RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (Full Version)

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RCdc -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:41:42 AM)

This.*see above*

the.dark.
(.whowouldhavejustwaffled.)



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:45:29 AM)

Hi TapedxCookie

Just an alternative possible perspective here - sort of playing devils advocate.  I'm not implyiing you did anything wrong, or that anything is your fault!  I just wanted to say that first!

Now, here goes.  You state in your profile that you are willful, and like to be punished and will push someone just to be punished.  Is it at all a possiblity that he was doing what he 'thought' you wanted?  That perhaps it wasn't that he didn't believe you, but that he misintrepreted the situation? 

Here's the thing.  I've no way of knowing.  For some, it isn't unreasonable to expect their slave/submissive to kneel in a position that they demand.  I wouldn't want to tell someone this is irrevocably WRONG - because well, for some it isn't!

Granted, an hour iin any position is a bitch, especially considering you'd never done it before.  I couldn't do it, no matter how eager I was to try.  So, I do understand the angst and resentment. 

Either way, I wish you the best and hope for you all you dream of, whether it is with this guy or some other (Darksteven perhaps?) lucky dominant.

WinD
Devil by Proxy



UniqueRaven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 10:18:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

Thank you all for your care and concern. I realized today that I am very resentful towards him for what he put me through last night.
I had been working on a suprise for him (making him a flogger for V-day) and now I dont even know if I want to give it to him (after typing that out, i know it sounds bratty and immature, but how can i want to give something that I put so much care and consideration into if he cant put that much care and consideration into me?)


I am going to have a talk with him at the earliest opportunity.
Does asking him if we can just talk without the dynamic of Dom/sub(slave now) sound unreasonable? I think that might alleviate some of my fears of talking to him, becuase, now, i AM scared to tell him really how I feel, im afraid he'll do what he did last night.


i was thinking about the flogger you said you were making him - didn't want to ask. i'm glad to hear you're being thoughtful about things.

There is nothing wrong with asking to talk outside the dynamic. i do most of my talking with a prospective Owner outside the dynamic, before that decision is made. It's a good way to discuss individual needs as you both are setting up the functional foundation of the power exchange dynamic.

And to be clear, you can talk within the dynamic too - you should always be able to! The dynamic is about being respectful, open, honest, and clear, whether as sub or slave. It isn't about withholding information that he needs, or serving him and feeling horrible about it just because you're "supposed to" - unless that is something that you've consciously agreed to, which doesn't sound like you have.

If you are to be a slave, property is valuable to an Owner/Master. If he's treating you in a way that harms that property, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, he's doing neither of you a favor, nor is he setting you up for any sort of success.




OsideGirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 10:53:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Now, here goes.  You state in your profile that you are willful, and like to be punished and will push someone just to be punished.  Is it at all a possiblity that he was doing what he 'thought' you wanted?  That perhaps it wasn't that he didn't believe you, but that he misintrepreted the situation? 
Yeah, but even if that were the case it wouldn't explain the "Vendetta", calling her a liar or the random decision to change the dynamic without her consent.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 11:12:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Now, here goes.  You state in your profile that you are willful, and like to be punished and will push someone just to be punished.  Is it at all a possiblity that he was doing what he 'thought' you wanted?  That perhaps it wasn't that he didn't believe you, but that he misintrepreted the situation? 
Yeah, but even if that were the case it wouldn't explain the "Vendetta", calling her a liar or the random decision to change the dynamic without her consent.


All good points and evidence I didn't do my homework (i.e. reading all the responses).  Perhaps I'll get lucky and be spanked [:D]

Esoupsing vendettas, keeping score, maligining ones integrity, inconsistent behavior - and online domination, pretty much sums up  loser to me.  But, I'm a picky bitch like that.  Still, as odd as it sounds, I know people who seem happy in seemingly worse situtations.

WinD



LafayetteLady -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 11:14:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

now, i AM scared to tell him really how I feel, im afraid he'll do what he did last night.


And THAT is your answer, isn't it? You should never be afraid to talk with someone you are in a relationship with about a problem. If he responds as he did last night, the solution is simple, you say "NO."



lovingpet -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:08:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Try searching for a Daddy Dom type that wants to pamper a little princesses and fits in that type of relationship.



~FR~

I will look at everything else after broaching the quote above.  Please be careful about this too.  Many, many, many Daddy Doms are not even remotely cute and cuddly with their partners.  Some of the nastiest sadists I have run across identify as daddy types.  My experience isn't nearly as vast as RS, but it is definitely from firsthand knowledge.  There are a some that are a bit softer than the average dom, but there is a significant population within such a dynamic that rival those hardcore masters in every aspect.

Anyway, I don't know where the situation stands now because I didn't finish reading the thread, but I do have some thoughts here.  This man never clarified whether or not an offense had actually been commited, why if it had been, or anything else.  He cut off basic communication.  He decided what the story all on his own and apparently was dead wrong on it.  Granted it could have been just a sadistic bent he was on that night, but in that case he didn't need to take the punishment route.  He's the dominant and he can do what he wishes...sort of.  Health, safety, and well being are important considerations even within a punishment senario.  He could have whetted his sadistic appetite without doing something that was going to push the body into a physical reaction that was dangerous to occur without having someone to help you after.  If someone is going to hit the buttons that cause those reactions, then there is responsibility there.

I don't know what to make of the exact situation.  I don't know what normal people can take when it comes to kneeling and holding positions.  I have severe fibromyalgia and what you just described would have placed me bedfast and crippled for quite some time.  I am guessing from others' responses that it was too long to be demanded when you had never had to hold the position longer than 10 minutes and that was difficult.

As for demanding you make time in your schedule to see him this week, it sounds off to me.  Personally, I rarely have a week when I'm NOT available to see my partner if we are able to work it out.  When it isn't possible it is for very important family or health reasons.  He would not even begin to demand that I put him ahead of my health or obligations that keep me in a safe and stable environment.  As much as he'd like to be the one orchestrating those things for me, it is not possible at this time, so we both deal with any inconveniences that arise from our current living situations.

All in all, I just don't see any reason to not approach him on this matter.  I'd do it carefully and respectfully and really listen to what he is saying to you.  I don't have to work harder to be what my partner needs.  I am what he needs as is.  Sometimes I need to do better at being and doing things, but that's not the same thing.  I am accepted the way I am.  I have areas to work on, but those are for my well being.  What is your partner doing to further your well being OP?  That is not being a princess or needy or any other such thing.  It is being a living, breathing, human being. 

lovingpet



UniqueRaven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:23:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
Try searching for a Daddy Dom type that wants to pamper a little princesses and fits in that type of relationship.

I will look at everything else after broaching the quote above.  Please be careful about this too.  Many, many, many Daddy Doms are not even remotely cute and cuddly with their partners.  Some of the nastiest sadists I have run across identify as daddy types. 


An absolute yes to this sidebar. Thanks LP for pointing this out, i missed it.

Most of the Owners i talk with are like this. They are Daddy types who want their sweet little girl all to themselves, and then they want to love her and control her and use her and hurt her in every which way they desire. It is an intense and powerful sadistic desire to Own and control - for both love and cruelty. For me it is uber-yummy (and what i need), but it is very intense - others might find themselves very, very overwhelmed.

You've got to watch out for those sadistic Daddys. [;)] i would say she should look more for a "boyfriend Dom" if she wants to be pampered and spoiled without the sadism.



TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:38:40 PM)

its not that i want to be pampered and spoiled... i just want my needs listened to, and to not be accused of lying... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)



lovingpet -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:46:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
Try searching for a Daddy Dom type that wants to pamper a little princesses and fits in that type of relationship.

I will look at everything else after broaching the quote above.  Please be careful about this too.  Many, many, many Daddy Doms are not even remotely cute and cuddly with their partners.  Some of the nastiest sadists I have run across identify as daddy types. 


An absolute yes to this sidebar. Thanks LP for pointing this out, i missed it.

Most of the Owners i talk with are like this. They are Daddy types who want their sweet little girl all to themselves, and then they want to love her and control her and use her and hurt her in every which way they desire. It is an intense and powerful sadistic desire to Own and control - for both love and cruelty. For me it is uber-yummy (and what i need), but it is very intense - others might find themselves very, very overwhelmed.

You've got to watch out for those sadistic Daddys. [;)] i would say she should look more for a "boyfriend Dom" if she wants to be pampered and spoiled without the sadism.


Hehe!!!  Gots to watch out for them there Daddies!  And oh yeah, it is very very yummy and wholly intense.

I am not so sure that this girl actually doesn't want some degree of sadism.  I think things went waaaay too far in this instance and was made worse by the dominant not being present to help her through the aftermath.  There are lots of degrees, levels, and types of sadism and few of us are completely enamoured with all of them.  Like you mentioned in your post, I have a strong suspicion she cannot handle or doesn't respond well to emotional sadism.  She said she had what appears on the surface at least to be a fairly decent pain play session in person with him and enjoyed it very much.  There is also the aspect that, as soon as something is considered punishment, it drains all the good vibes out of something and, where she may have gotten some sick, twisted thrills out of this as play, it was just awful and excruciating as punishment.  There are a lot of factors, so I don't think it is quite fair to say she needs to seek a partner that is not into sadism at all, though it may be something she needs to consider.  People who know me real time would laugh, but for the most part I DON'T like pain.  Sometimes I do and other times I don't.  Regardless though, I enjoy enduring it for my partner.  He loves the mix, but to say that in my less giddy moments that I need to seek someone who isn't sadistic would be incorrect.  I think she needs to find the right balance and the person that delivers it in a way that makes it work for her.

lovingpet



lovingpet -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:48:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

its not that i want to be pampered and spoiled... i just want my needs listened to, and to not be accused of lying... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)


Those are not unreasonable needs.  I wouldn't say, from what you've posted anyway, that you are interested in being handled with kid gloves.  I think being handled with great care and being pampered and spoiled are two very different things, however.

lovingpet



UniqueRaven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:51:09 PM)

Yes, i went sideways into my universe there for a moment and jumped the rail - whoopsie! [;)] Apologies TapedxCookie. It is about finding the right person for you, not trying to say who i think that is at all.

Going back to my original post - i hope talking with him helps you figure things out, in one way or another.

[:)]



Phoenixpower -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 12:56:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)


TapedxCookie here you say yourself that you did not feel safe last night...for me that sounds like your gut feeling and out of personal experience I can only advice you to listen to your gut feeling... I met once a bloke despite having on a few occations the strange feeling that I should drop it... but did not... and regretted it at the end as some of the regulars know.

So take your gut feeling serious...after all...we have it for a reason (IMO).



lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:15:57 PM)

i hate to be a scaredy cat here, but you might want to understand this new 'vendetta' thing he's got going before you go to his place.

he was careful with you on youre first visit to him, thats to be expected and hoped for frankly.
he was not careful with you the other night and said he was in a 'vendetta' mood and that the dynamic has changed.

you state in youre profile (apparently, i havent read it) that you like to be punished, presumably he likes to punish and maybe that was part of his reason for contacting you 3 months ago.

from what i can see 'punishment' to him does not mean he needs to provide any after care. i have experienced that (once) and it isnt very nice. you need a cuddle and a blanket and for the 'mood' to move on.

im just seeing a couple of red flags here, and i usually try to avoid writing that, and maybe im being a scaredy cat.

whatever else, you do need to talk to him about this and you do need to understand what he means by 'vendetta' and have youre concerns allayed.

one question. has he said that youre safe word is good during punishment, usually it isnt and clearly youre pleading didnt help the other night. i guess it depends how much of a masso you are and how much you enjoy punishment - which is an oxymoron to be honest, since punishment isnt to be enjoyed. which makes me wonder how much of this is punishment and how far he is preparing to take this 'vendetta'.

not wishing to spook you, im sure you know what youre doing.



agirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 3:15:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

its not that i want to be pampered and spoiled... i just want my needs listened to, and to not be accused of lying... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)


You've both only known each other a few weeks and I read your profile and noticed the part Winsome mentioned.

After reading that it seemed a bit of a quagmire in terms *who's doing what to whom*.

If you ..*test and push because you crave punishment*...*do whatever it takes to irritate you enough to punish me*.... someone, somewhere is going to take you seriously.  Maybe somewhere further down the line, someone might discern exactly what you mean by your profile description.....but if had that plastered on my profile, I'd be expecting a fair few * I'll lick 'er into shape* chaps to be all over it.

agirl









lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 3:22:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

its not that i want to be pampered and spoiled... i just want my needs listened to, and to not be accused of lying... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)


You've both only known each other a few weeks and I read your profile and noticed the part Winsome mentioned.

After reading that it seemed a bit of a quagmire in terms *who's doing what to whom*.

If you ..*test and push because you crave punishment*...*do whatever it takes to irritate you enough to punish me*.... someone, somewhere is going to take you seriously.  Maybe somewhere further down the line, someone might discern exactly what you mean by your profile description.....but if had that plastered on my profile, I'd be expecting a fair few * I'll lick 'er into shape* chaps to be all over it.

agirl










this is what i was thinking/feeling but didnt put it down as clearly -



kiwisub12 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 3:32:44 PM)

OP - I am in a going on 5 year relationship and have been punished exactly twice. What exactly are you being punished for? It seems sort of excessive for the short time the two of you have been playing to have been punished several times. If this (punishment) is not the dynamic you want, then perhaps you need to look further afield.



lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 3:34:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

OP - I am in a going on 5 year relationship and have been punished exactly twice. What exactly are you being punished for? It seems sort of excessive for the short time the two of you have been playing to have been punished several times. If this (punishment) is not the dynamic you want, then perhaps you need to look further afield.



thats the slightly confusing/worrying part to this, she does want the punishment dynamic, very much, according to her profile, its a high priority for her

but then again, he might just be taking her at her word and delivering what she wants from the dynamic, just it wasnt 'funishment' enough, it was real punishment and maybe, therefore, she maybe needs to reconsider her stance on punishment per se.

what she wants is 'funishment' - punishment she can enjoy, not punishment she hates. trouble is when you say that you want punishment as part of the dynamic and will do everything to earn that punishment, you then need a Dominant who understands that what she's actually talking about is 'funishment' - role play punishment that feels real but she can still use her safe word.



HisSub1213 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 4:11:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie

its not that i want to be pampered and spoiled... i just want my needs listened to, and to not be accused of lying... to feel safe(which i didnt last night)



I would have a real problem with someone, anyone, calling me a liar, just ask my ex. That's one of the fastest ways to get a rise out of me, and generally when that happens things turn ugly fast. LOL



TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 4:53:41 PM)

Point taken, I am going to reword my profile now to reflect more precisely what I mean by punishment...
I was reading our messages on here before we started using an outside IM source, and I did state to him what kinds of punishment I enjoy...
I said "While I do enjoy punishment, a stern look, the idea that I will be punished, and maybe a few swats on the ass is usually enough to send me to my knees with a meak "Yes Sir""

Either way, I will be rewording my profile. Thank you all for your advice.

ETA- How does this sound
"I enjoy a man with a strong mind, and caring heart. While I do enjoy a strong hand, it is crucial that that same hand can also provide comfort and offer protection. I am NOT the type of girl you can beat down (physically or emotionally) and put away. If your going to put me in distress, I need you to help me afterwards. "



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