RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (Full Version)

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lovingpet -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 8:38:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Some of the things he said in the heat of the moment sound absolutely awful.  I would like to see him develop a better handle on himself.  He damaged your trust, OP.  That's never a good thing.  Does he plan to work on this aspect of himself?  I would definitely want him to have better self management if he had control over my body and well being.  I don't mean to be nasty, but I have been down the road of folks with a lacking in this area too many times in my life.


What he said in the heat of the moment concerns me, but also that even though he admits he might have behaved badly, he still is placing a great deal of the fault on her, claiming she was pushing his buttons. Maybe she was, I don't know. What I do know though is that that is a major trait of an abuser, to tell the one they abuse that they "made them do it."



Believe me, I see that loud and clear too.  The part that is hard is she hasn't really stated exactly how she was pushing his buttons and if it was intentional.  If she was intentionally, I could see what he said as a warning and in way of reminding her what his hot buttons are.  If he can't clarify what is appropriate or inappropriate within the relationship, then it is doomed.  Then again, if what she was doing was unintentional and she can't specifically state what buttons she was pushing of his or how, then I'd be very concerned that this is a classic abuser blame shift.  I've seen them and experienced them often enough.  The main name of the game here is abundance of caution.  He has a lot of ground to make up and she has a lot to figure out.

lovingpet 



TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/3/2010 12:05:06 AM)

Just a quick update before I go to sleep....

We had a VERY good conversation tonight in which we reconnected and I feel good about moving forward with him.
He did recognize the fact that things went too far, and he apologized for not caring for me after the fact. That was totally out of character for him not to provide the care and to make sure we had a chance to reconnect immediatly following the punishment. He promised me that my safety and care will be of high importance to him.

Tonight's conversation was full of laughter and fun. And I may be going to visit him Friday night :)

I am VERY happy right now [:D]

ETA- funny story... when I visited him last, I had refused to admit that I do like him (me being stubborn) and he thought it was funny and was teasing me. He'd walk around taunting "you liiiikkkkeeee meeeee!" and in the morning, he was making me coffee (which was AMAZING) and he was singing this song... I asked him the name of it and who sang it and he told me, so i've been listening to it... i even bought it on Itunes!

Dusty Springfield - The Look of Love

The Look Of Love lyrics

The look of love is in your eyes
A look your smile can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard, well it takes my breath away

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you

You've got the
Look of love, it's on your face
A look that time can't erase
Be mine tonight, let this be just the start of so many nights like this
Let's take a lover's vow and then seal it with a kiss

I can hardly wait to hold you, feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you, now that I have found you
Don't ever go
Don't ever go




lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/3/2010 1:43:48 AM)

i really wish you all the best. sometimes things do go a bit awry and the main thing here is that he has taken responsibility for getting it wrong and he has appologised.

what you have shown him is that youre not someone who can be pushed along too fast and yet when he did you stuck with it and hung on in there and that was absolutely to youre credit.

maybe he was testing youre resolve and seriousness, not nice to be tested, but it happens and i think maybe youd been testing him a bit too, and maybe when you pushed his buttons you put him in a corner where he clearly wants this relationship with you and he was doing his darndest to get some control over youre button pushing. how he handled it wasnt good, but he's admitted that, which really helps. nothing worse than having big concerns and worries that arent listened to or worked through.

anyway, sounds like youve moved on. all the very best and take care. xx



OsideGirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/3/2010 7:32:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie


We had a VERY good conversation tonight in which we reconnected and I feel good about moving forward with him.
A reminder: actions speak louder than words. So, if things don't move forward in the manner in which he has said they will, it will be time to re-visit this.

quote:

He did recognize the fact that things went too far
 Sometimes things get out of control. But, if it happens again, he may have an issue maintaining personal control.

quote:

That was totally out of character for him not to provide the care
Is this your experience or him telling you?

quote:

He promised me that my safety and care will be of high importance to him.
Remember this and hold him to it.




UniqueRaven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/3/2010 9:07:57 AM)

i'm happy to hear you two are working on things together, and that you're happy and looking forward to being together again. [:)]

And yes, that's an awesome song - an oldie but goodie (NOT going to age myself, hee hee!) [;)]

julie



TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/3/2010 9:25:11 AM)

Julie- Everytime I hear that song I cant stop smiling [:D] its definatly not something I would have chosen to listen to on my own though... but now I absolutly love it, because of the connection it has with Him.



amaidiamond -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/5/2010 5:25:22 PM)

Good Luck and it is good tyou are communicating :)



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