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Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/8/2010 11:58:16 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		This is something that's been swimming around in my head for a few years.

Whenever a thread comes up regarding stating preferences in regard to orders, punishments, decorating the house, what to cook, etc, there are usually replies along the lines of "I would just obey".

Now, this isn't to insult/demean/belittle/dismiss those responses but I'm curious about this. For me and mine, I'm allowed all the preferences I want. He can't exactly take them away - even if he orders me to never to state them they still exist in my head!

So, for us, it's no big deal to state them. That doesn't mean things are going to happen the way I prefer them but it does give him more knowledge about what I like, how I like things done, how I can do things more efficently, what stresses me and what I can roll with, etc.

For others, is stating preferences (and for the sake of the post please assume they are stated respectfully, however you define it) allowed, even if said preference is contrary or not exactly in line with the order? Such as being ordered to paint the bedroom dark blue and you mention that it's your humble subbly opinion that a light blue would suit better. Or whatever pops into your head as examples.

(Hopefully that didn't piss anyone off... can't get into too many 'net fights in one night... )

Edited cause I made a silly typo. I'm blaming the flying monkies.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/9/2010 12:38:29 AM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:12:21 AM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		For me personally Aqua, any 'small ticket' items (somebody won't like that term) such as day to day issues that did not directly the dynamics of the relationship, are open to some negotiation.  Doesn't mean I would sign off on any changes, but I would listen to the pros and cons.
 
I think there's a hot shift between conducting some of the relationship on mutual terms and then laying down some nasty law at the right time.
 
Besides, how perfect is it to say, 'Yes, you can have a blue bedroom, because I'm going to be turning your ass that color later anyway".

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:18:30 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Although not currently in a relationship, that's one of the things that's actually one of the key factors in my search. I need to be able to have my input into things that affect us. Whether my opinion changes the opinion of the Domly one is pretty much irrelevant - I just need to know that my opinion matters to him.

And Aqua's point about it helping the Dom/me learn how the sub ticks through these exchanges is spot on. If anyone isn't interested in finding out what matters to me, then maybe we're not a good match.

but then again, YMMV

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:20:20 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		I actually like to know preferences of the people I associate with, whether they be friends or s types.

Knowing a submissive's preference allows me to provide them with nice surprises when it suits me. It doesn't mean that I will always yield to their preference, but sometimes other people have really good ideas and I'd be a fool not to hear them.

Jeez I cannot type - would someone PLEASE come over and type what I want to say?? I got cookies!

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 2/9/2010 12:21:44 AM >

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:39:29 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

And Aqua's point about it helping the Dom/me learn how the sub ticks through these exchanges is spot on. If anyone isn't interested in finding out what matters to me, then maybe we're not a good match.

Good thread, Aqua, and well said, Myo!
Personally, I wouldn't do well in a "shut up and do as you're told" type of relationship. To clarify- most of us have times when we are expected to just shut up and do as we're told, but if that is the default for the relationship, it would be a bad match for me. While the dom has the final word in my relationships, I want to be able to respectfully give my input. If that were not allowed, I would feel as if I had nothing productive to contribute.

Cookies? I can type, Domin8ting... just sayin


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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:54:21 AM   
jujubeeMB


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

(Hopefully that didn't piss anyone off... can't get into too many 'net fights in one night... )



No way - no one ever gets pissed off around here...

Personally, I have tons and tons of preferences, and I have one life to enjoy them. I think EW had the right idea that sometimes it can be extremely hot (and mean) to turn it into something that you're losing control over while you simultaneously get something you want, but there is no Dom on earth who could keep me from watching my favorite TV shows and eating my favorite food

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:56:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

For others, is stating preferences (and for the sake of the post please assume they are stated respectfully, however you define it) allowed, even if said preference is contrary or not exactly in line with the order? Such as being ordered to paint the bedroom dark blue and you mention that it's your humble subbly opinion that a light blue would suit better. Or whatever pops into your head as examples


For us it depends on the motivation.  Using your example above, if I thought that a light blue would look better, it is understood that I am obeying him by offering my opinion.  If I wanted a lighter blue and knew he wanted darker, it is understood that I not to lie and I am to tell him this, and not manipulate him by just suggesting the lighter blue would look better.  Does that make sense?

the.dark.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:03:48 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Makes complete sense. Athough now you've put the seed of another thread in my thread regarding not stating preferences/opinions and lies of omission. I'll let that marinate in my head another month or so.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:05:26 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Does that make sense?

Took me a minute, but yes. Us yanks are a bit slow at this time of day


_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:08:01 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Cookies? I can type, Domin8ting... just sayin



Thanks.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:09:19 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Makes complete sense. Athough now you've put the seed of another thread in my thread regarding not stating preferences/opinions and lies of omission. I'll let that marinate in my head another month or so.


Yeah well, you always do a good thread and to have too many running at once might send people on overload...
I will await in eager anticipation...

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:14:04 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

Does that make sense?

Took me a minute, but yes. Us yanks are a bit slow at this time of day



Well, I am on overdrive this morning in the UK(my daughters friend disappeared last night and everyones frantic with no ability to do anything - police tell us all to stay at home and by our phones so we all feel useless)... and not sure if I was making much sense.(Sorry Aqua - didn't mean to blurt out drama on your thread - just explaining why I wasnt sure if I was making much sense).

the.dark.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:17:46 AM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline 		I hope all that works out for the best.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:26:40 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyWood

I hope all that works out for the best.


Echoing those sentiments, EbonyWood.  Thank you.

the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:27:32 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Don't worry about it hon! If I were you, I wouldn't be thinking well either. I hope everything is resolved soon and happily!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to RCdc)
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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:34:20 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Don't worry about it hon! If I were you, I wouldn't be thinking well either. I hope everything is resolved soon and happily!


Urgh, now I really feel like I hijacked your thread!  I don't like to not responding to people who have taken the time to respond to me, that's why - to me it's polite to speak back.
But this is the last I will say - I think I am just sitting here on the board because it gives me something to occupy my mind with while we sit and wait.  There is only so much housework you can do!

the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 1:47:50 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thread drift and hijacks happen. If people like the topic I put out there, they'll keep posting in response to it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:02:28 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I tell him my opinion on just about anything and everything. I tell him my reasons for thinking or preferring what it is that I do.
In the end, it's his final decision based on whatever he feels is right. Sometimes he's already made up his mind and sometimes he takes my input into account.
He has a good track record for making good decisions. It's one of the reasons that I've been able to hand over control of my life to him.
I am better at picking room colors though...

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:05:05 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		I thought this thread was going to be about those times when your D tells you to pick his weapon.

"Which do you want me to spank you with, the flogger or the electrified chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire?"
"erm... (mental breakdown trying to figure out what the right answer is) ... flogger?"
"That's nice" *picks up the chainsaw*

=not obeying, running for the hills.


But yeah, on the everyday things I like being allowed to have my opinion, doesn't mean he has to go along with it. My opinions are awesome, everyone should want to know them.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:44:45 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I always think that good Ds happens when its all about the line. When I can state my opinion, take the piss, have a laugh, be silly, have an argument whatever but know when to stop. Knowing that the final decision is the other persons, and also knowing that that person uses that with sensibility, it is why finding a partner that works is hard because for me they have to be someone who isn't offended by being challenged on an idea and someone who accepts when it is wrong while maintaining dominance, its a bit of a balance I guess.

P.S I hope it all turns out ok the.darkness

< Message edited by LillyoftheVally -- 2/9/2010 3:45:20 AM >

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