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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:41:52 PM   
pyroaquatic


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Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

This is something that's been swimming around in my head for a few years.

Whenever a thread comes up regarding stating preferences in regard to orders, punishments, decorating the house, what to cook, etc, there are usually replies along the lines of "I would just obey".

Now, this isn't to insult/demean/belittle/dismiss those responses but I'm curious about this. For me and mine, I'm allowed all the preferences I want. He can't exactly take them away - even if he orders me to never to state them they still exist in my head!

So, for us, it's no big deal to state them. That doesn't mean things are going to happen the way I prefer them but it does give him more knowledge about what I like, how I like things done, how I can do things more efficently, what stresses me and what I can roll with, etc.

For others, is stating preferences (and for the sake of the post please assume they are stated respectfully, however you define it) allowed, even if said preference is contrary or not exactly in line with the order? Such as being ordered to paint the bedroom dark blue and you mention that it's your humble subbly opinion that a light blue would suit better. Or whatever pops into your head as examples.

(Hopefully that didn't piss anyone off... can't get into too many 'net fights in one night... )

Edited cause I made a silly typo. I'm blaming the flying monkies.



Swim little memefishies darting in aquatic minds.

I prefer to have many different things: Food, Water, Shelter, Embrace, Communication, frogs, lenses, dc motors, fun, writing, internet, electricity.

I've had at one time all or none of these.

Having preferences makes each submissive/dominant/middle/switch different. Difference merits the attraction of taste. To be able tell Chocolate from Pepper and to enjoy each flavor on its own difference is how important difference is.

Each partner is going to have to be flexible. Each partner (i hope i am right on this) will stay in it for any length of time because they enjoy being flexible for the other.

-----

Can I massage your brain now?






_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:49:34 PM   
afterforever


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quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic


Swim little memefishies darting in aquatic minds.




This is why I love pyro posts.


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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:53:21 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afterforever


quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic


Swim little memefishies darting in aquatic minds.






This is why I love pyro posts.



:|
I said many other things as well. The other stuff made sense too, right?


_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:54:45 PM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
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From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		It all made perfect sense, I was just appreciating your choice of words.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:56:15 PM   
agirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I also am not sure where that clashes with obeying.




I really don't get it either. But I've seen "I would just obey" as an answer to questions about preferences so many times that I'm curious where the connection is and how it works.


I usually just obey......lol

I think the thing is , if he wants something in particular, I know he's already taken my preferences into account. He already knows what I'm likely to think or feel.

I mean , * Off you go, get me a coffee* doesn't really need me to state that I'd actually rather HE get out of the warm bed and get ME a tea. We already both know that I won't *wanna*. Best just get up and do it. Stating my preference at those times has him reaching down for something swipy that makes me move even faster.

agirl




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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:00:31 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I also am not sure where that clashes with obeying.




I really don't get it either. But I've seen "I would just obey" as an answer to questions about preferences so many times that I'm curious where the connection is and how it works.


I usually just obey......lol

I think the thing is , if he wants something in particular, I know he's already taken my preferences into account. He already knows what I'm likely to think or feel.

I mean , * Off you go, get me a coffee* doesn't really need me to state that I'd actually rather HE get out of the warm bed and get ME a tea. We already both know that I won't *wanna*. Best just get up and do it. Stating my preference at those times has him reaching down for something swipy that makes me move even faster.

agirl






That's the thing. I don't see how stating the preference is in conflict with obeying, ie. Just obeying vs. stating instead of "I just don't state a preference". If he asks me to do something and I'd rather not, I'll state that I'd rather not. If, in the half-second following, he dismisses the command I stay where I am. If he doesn't, I obey.

If I don't have a preference, then I don't say anything unless he asks.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/9/2010 3:03:26 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:17:05 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I also am not sure where that clashes with obeying.




I really don't get it either. But I've seen "I would just obey" as an answer to questions about preferences so many times that I'm curious where the connection is and how it works.


I usually just obey......lol

I think the thing is , if he wants something in particular, I know he's already taken my preferences into account. He already knows what I'm likely to think or feel.

I mean , * Off you go, get me a coffee* doesn't really need me to state that I'd actually rather HE get out of the warm bed and get ME a tea. We already both know that I won't *wanna*. Best just get up and do it. Stating my preference at those times has him reaching down for something swipy that makes me move even faster.

agirl






That's the thing. I don't see how stating the preference is in conflict with obeying, ie. Just obeying vs. stating instead of "I just don't state a preference". If he asks me to do something and I'd rather not, I'll state that I'd rather not. If, in the half-second following, he dismisses the command I stay where I am. If he doesn't, I obey.

If I don't have a preference, then I don't say anything unless he asks.


It's not in conflict with obeying.

It's just a waste of time when I KNOW that the fact he asked means that HE wants ME to go. He doesn't want some argy-bargy over everything. That'd be annoying. If  broke my leg on the way to the door, he might reconsider........lol

agirl

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 3:26:26 PM   
AquaticSub


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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

It's not in conflict with obeying.

It's just a waste of time when I KNOW that the fact he asked means that HE wants ME to go. He doesn't want some argy-bargy over everything. That'd be annoying. If  broke my leg on the way to the door, he might reconsider........lol

agirl



I don't see it as argy-bargy in the slightest. If there isn't a preference to stay, as there often isn't since my preference is often to obey, I don't say anything. But if there is, I don't see a problem with stating it respectfully and then obeying anyway. For us, it's only a problem if I continue after stating it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 5:05:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I can state all the preferences I like. Sometimes he allows me to. Other times he just really doesn't care. That's his choice of course.

And just because I state them doesn't mean he still cares what they are. Could mean he finds them amusing. Other times he may take my preferences into consideration.


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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:01:39 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I think there are so many variables about what you are stating your preference about that makes a difference. For "big ticket" things, like how to decorate a house.....if you both live there, it should, on some level, reflect both of you. I don't live with my partner, but his taste is furniture is not horrible, so we wouldn't really argue. My bedroom right now is very flowery and feminine, and no matter how much I like that, if we were living together and sharing a bedroom, that wouldn't reflect both of us. When I cook for us, I just cook what he likes. He really isn't a picky eater, just doesn't like spicy food. My "preference" is that I love spicy food. It really doesn't agree with him, so why cook it for him? Now if he were to try to "order" me to eat sardines or mushrooms, it isn't going to happen. But again, that is a "small" thing, why even go there? He is a mechanic by trade (and Mr. McGyver by nature), so when I go to buy a car, there isn't much discussion, I do what he says. When it comes to sexual matters, I state my preference all the time. He completely ignores me, but I state my preference, lol.

I think a lot depends on the type of relationship two people have, but if you are in an intimate "romantic" relationship that incorporates a power dynamic, there are a lot of things where both opinions matter. There can be all kinds of talk about how the "D" makes the decision ultimately, but in the end if the "s" opinion/preference or whatever you choose to call it doesn't matter to the "D," what kind of relationship do you really have? I think Merc's example is the best. A trip to Tahiti was something he would really enjoy, but a trip to an Irish Castle (beth's assumed preference) "wins" out because the purpose of the trip is to be together.

At the end of the day, is everything about who is in charge, or how to best make a relationship that all parties involved want, work?

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:21:26 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Thank goodness my preferences are important! I've been in situations where they weren't, and I became invisible. That just messed with my head in very bad ways. It nearly destroyed my self esteem!

Now he wants to know everything I like, everything that makes me happy, everything that is the opposite too! He often says that if I'm not happy, I will not take good care of him. He therefore wants me to be happy. It's kind of self-serving on his part (hooray! ).

Maybe there is way more to your question, Aqua, that I'm just not understanding, but there is a distinct difference between having / expressing preferences and disobeying. I do often get a little silly when I want something, and he loves that about me. If it is something serious, I am very much opinionated. If it is something little - like ... I want soup for dinner... I might get kind of sweet and cutesy, and ask, but if he says no, then well... what I'm gonna stomp my foot?

There is a difference also (on the other side of things) between deciding it is best to not give someone what they want and not hearing / not caring what they want.

Sometimes it is enough to know that what I want is heard even if it isn't going to happen. *If I was getting what I wanted, I'd be in Italy right now *wink.

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 8:04:04 PM   
NuevaVida


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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Everyone knows I have better taste than he does...

It isn't exactly that he has bad taste when it comes to home decor necessarily, it is just that mine is better



This.  Except he doesn't see that...yet. 

Then again we still live in different homes.  He can decorate his home however he pleases.  But he asks for my input.  And, so far, he incorporates most of it (although I'm not offended or slighted if he doesn't).  He once said he liked having my input in the decorating of his home - that it made him feel my presence there, even when I'm not actually there.

I can't help but to share my opinion.  It's part of who I am.  I would not succeed with someone who did not want this. And since he wants my opinions/input, I would not be fulfilling his wishes if I did not share them.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 9:04:43 PM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Everyone knows I have better taste than he does...

It isn't exactly that he has bad taste when it comes to home decor necessarily, it is just that mine is better



This.  Except he doesn't see that...yet. 

Then again we still live in different homes.  He can decorate his home however he pleases.  But he asks for my input.  And, so far, he incorporates most of it (although I'm not offended or slighted if he doesn't).  He once said he liked having my input in the decorating of his home - that it made him feel my presence there, even when I'm not actually there.

I can't help but to share my opinion.  It's part of who I am.  I would not succeed with someone who did not want this. And since he wants my opinions/input, I would not be fulfilling his wishes if I did not share them.



Yes... it is better if he just accepts that my opinion is his will


Of course I am completely kidding about that...lol

He said to me tonight.... he only likes dominating me because I like not controlling him... I am one of the least controlling people there are... except when it comes to home decor... then I get all dominant on his ass....in a very sweet way of course... like I keep until he gets it!


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 9:55:45 PM   
NuevaVida


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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Yes... it is better if he just accepts that my opinion is his will




LMAO I am so gonna use that!!

I'm remembering one *cough cough* picture he wanted to put up.  Horrendous thing that it is.  He asked, "Where would this look best?"

I said "Oh you SO do not want me to answer that.  I honestly can not advise you on that one because it would look best if we couldn't actually SEE it."


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 9:56:29 PM   
catize


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quote:

Whenever a thread comes up regarding stating preferences in regard to orders, punishments, decorating the house, what to cook, etc, there are usually replies along the lines of "I would just obey


Some people confuse preference with final choice. I believe there is quite a difference!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 9:59:48 PM   
GreedyTop


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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Edited cause I made a silly typo. I'm blaming the flying monkies.


HEY!!!!  What'd *I* do??

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 10:03:21 PM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Edited cause I made a silly typo. I'm blaming the flying monkies.


HEY!!!!  What'd *I* do??


I was wondering how long it would take you to notice that...

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:23:00 PM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Yes... it is better if he just accepts that my opinion is his will




LMAO I am so gonna use that!!

I'm remembering one *cough cough* picture he wanted to put up.  Horrendous thing that it is.  He asked, "Where would this look best?"

I said "Oh you SO do not want me to answer that.  I honestly can not advise you on that one because it would look best if we couldn't actually SEE it."



There are a few things that he is "allowed" that are tacky... such as his ren and stimpy cell that is framed and the south park finger bang boy band still in the box (guilty secret... I picked out the south park figures... hee hee).

I am so going to email this thread to him...


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:29:33 PM   
NuevaVida


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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

There are a few things that he is "allowed" that are tacky... such as his ren and stimpy cell that is framed and the south park finger bang boy band still in the box (guilty secret... I picked out the south park figures... hee hee).



But does he have "Dogs at the Pool Table?"  Cos I'm dead serious about that one.  There was no place inside the house I could recommend for the billiard dogs.  Seriously.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:31:39 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Heaven forbid Val start getting domly about the decorating. The She-Ra and Disney stuff would be the first things to go.

(Yes I put Disney up next to Spider-Man in my house. It doesn't have to make sense damn it... )

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 60
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