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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 4:43:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm always going to prefer pink to green, it's a fact of life. I don't think he would force me to paint every room green knowing I would hate living here. He wants me to be happy too.

Sometimes he'll say "no, don't make the chicken pot pie, I feel like grilling" so I get him some burgers from the freezer and put the pot pie fixing back in the fridge for the next day. But thankfully we don't really collide that much, he doesn't love everything I hate and vice versa. I think these kinds of things are as important in compatibility as are the big ticket items. After all, the small stuff comes up several times a day. Life is just easier when you have the same tastes.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 6:14:44 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		He wants to know my thoughts, opinions, feelings, preferences, everything about me, because he wants to own everything about me.

So i pretty much have free rein to express whatever is going on in my head - as long as it's: 1) said respectfully (as you pointed out); 2) said openly and honestly and in a non-manipulative way ("i like pink" vs. "dont you think pink would look better?"); and 3) understood that while he may listen, he will make whatever decision he wants to make, whether it is line with my preferences or not.

And it's very nice, because i just get to be who i am, his happy girl, and not worry so much about things - i feel safe sharing everything about myself with him. He takes the information i give him, he makes decisions, and we move on, happy together.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 2/9/2010 6:16:20 AM >

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 6:24:59 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I would never be involved with someone who did not want to know my opinion on everything. I did that once and never again.

I like to know what he thinks so quid pro quo is important. I am a strong woman and need someone who appreciates that but who can also take the reigns.

I think that the big stuff decisions are obvious, but the small decisions also contribute to calmness in the relationships.

If you end up fighting over everything from whether the room is painted blue to having kids or where to live, then what good is it.

I will compromise on alot, but never compromise on what I feel strongly about. If someone feels they have to try and control every single thing, every moment of the day, that is not the type of Dom I am seeking.

And the biggest thing I will not compromise on these days, is being listened to AND heard.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 6:29:35 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Sir expects me to give my preferences towards anything that is important to me. In no way does he feel by me doing so is disobeying his authority or me trying to take away from it.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 6:42:47 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I want her input.  Then I decide.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 6:55:35 AM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I want her input.  Then I decide.


That's how it works in our house. 90% of the time He has no problem with my preference. The other 10% of the time He either thought of something I didn't, or is being a meanie.

For example, I was comfy on the couch with blankets and pillows.  I asked Him to hand me the fluffy kitty, to cuddle. My preference was to stay cuddly, and have the kitty. He said no, if I wanted the kitty, I could get up and get him myself.  Such a meanie. 


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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:15:51 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Opinions? Preferences? Somehow this equates to not obeying in a D/s relationship? I think it's a bit of a disconnect.

I respect my partner. she's smarter than me. It would not be smart of me to omit asking her opinion on decisions. beth's preferences are always factored into any decision I make for us. her opinions and preferences aren't always determining of the end result, but she's not only allowed to give them, she's required to give them. On some matters her preferences take priority. A trip to Tahiti may be my preference but realizing pragmatically if I chose that over her preference for a trip to an Irish castle I'd spend my days beach combing alone or at night to be with her since she can't be in the sun. I not only consider her preferences, they are a major factor in my decision. We go to Ireland because it serves my life's #1 preference - being with her.

You can point to specific preferences but it comes down to a decision concerning one - the preference to be with your partner or not.

People will assume that that attitude points to compromise. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's uncompromising commitment and dedication to something you should, in my opinion, consider more than yourself. Now, if you don't consider your relationship more important than your preferences you'll make decisions to placate your preferences and sooner or later, your relationship is over.

You are not obeying a person when you are in a relationship. You are not abandoning your preferences to obey the structure of your dynamic, you are prioritizing them. You 'obey' even when you represent the dominant side of the flogger; or you are alone. What's your preference?

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 2/9/2010 7:19:27 AM >

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:24:06 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Everyone knows I have better taste than he does...

It isn't exactly that he has bad taste when it comes to home decor necessarily, it is just that mine is better


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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:31:10 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Master has always said that blind obedience is over rated. He prefers a partner that is pro-active and actively particpates. If I think something isn't a good idea, he wants to hear about it. I'm the "logic" person in our relationship. Solving puzzles using logic is my strong point, so why not utilize it?

There's a saying that a good manager doesn't know how to do every job in his/her business. They just know how to delegate to those that do.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 7:59:35 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

There's a saying that a good manager doesn't know how to do every job in his/her business. They just know how to delegate to those that do.


Exactly

I am an organizer... I know how to organize... I also have learned a lot about  antiques and I am currently learning architectural styles.. this is not something he is intently interested in. We do not live together anymore, but he still asks for my input on his current residence because I have good ideas.. he can't be expected to know-it-all... he is good with tools though, and not just the BDSM kind


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 9:56:38 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Master always takes my preferences into condiseration. If he acts on them or not is of course his choice. Even if they are not acted upon he still wants to know what they are. There are some thngs he knows i love because i stated my preference for them. Sometimes he will surprise me and do those things. If he did not know what i perfer how could e surprise me. So he want's me to voice my prefrernces.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 10:49:32 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

We go to Ireland because it serves my life's #1 preference - being with her.



That is so sweet Merc and thanks for responding. I've learned so much from you and beth in my time here.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:04:04 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Normally the issue I have is trying to drag specific preferences out when she is otherwise completely intent on being pleasing (irrelevant of preferences).

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:09:18 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Normally the issue I have is trying to drag specific preferences out when she is otherwise completely intent on being pleasing (irrelevant of preferences).


yeah I am a bit like that at times, "no hunny what do you want" kinda thing.

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RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:10:31 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Normally the issue I have is trying to drag specific preferences out when she is otherwise completely intent on being pleasing (irrelevant of preferences).


Yes. It took me a bit to realize that the reply of "whatever you want" when asked a my preference isn't serving. And it isn't being obedient either.



< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 2/9/2010 11:11:21 AM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 11:41:40 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, I am quite free with my prefences and opinions. It's hard to ignore what they are when you've known someone for years and years..lol

I don't have to actually state mine much , he either knows them or asks and I'm rarely backward in coming forward with them. We BOTH like getting what we want and it's not often that either of can't have it.

I also am not sure where that clashes with obeying. If he particularly wants something a certain way , then it's going to be that way. It's not as if he does it to piss me off or make me miz......but if I AM,  he can easily live with that.

agirl





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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 12:31:42 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I also am not sure where that clashes with obeying.




I really don't get it either. But I've seen "I would just obey" as an answer to questions about preferences so many times that I'm curious where the connection is and how it works.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:21:41 PM   
kushiels


Posts: 55
Joined: 11/1/2009
Status: offline 		I definitely give my preferences. I also, like I think LilyoftheValley indicated, need to be able to joke, tease a bit, and even get a bit smart-assy, within limits.

To me, a Dom who forbids his/her sub-type to ever express any preferences just appears weak.  I see it as a sign of strength and inherent authority in Mine that she is not at all threatened by my preferences.  They do not impede her authority, but rather give her all the information needed to make a decision.  Her decision, which barely counts as a decision if she doesn't have all the info. 

And Merc, I was glad you posted, too.  Very sweet, and as always, food for thought.

Great topic Aquatic!


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:30:30 PM   
Futuresocks


Posts: 112
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline 		I guess it's being a guy, but so many of the general input issues are of no significance to me. I have served a woman who virtually shut me down and never allowed for input or preferences. Didn't really bother me. The only dealbreaker is when I'm told I can't communicate a need...i.e. a physical limitation, or in the case of a task, I suck as a painter and my domme needs to know that I'd fuck up the bedroom if I tried, so I have to tell her that. I must say that it seems rather rare that a number of d/s relationships would possess the dynamic of no communication on such things. As stated, knowing what a sub/slave wants is a super-duper tool for a dom/domme.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Having preferences = not obeying? - 2/9/2010 2:36:27 PM   
EbonyWood


Posts: 2044
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afterforever

But yeah, on the everyday things I like being allowed to have my opinion, doesn't mean he has to go along with it. My opinions are awesome, everyone should want to know them.



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Profile   Post #: 40
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