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Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 9:46:39 AM

pot

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/23/2010
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Hi

Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now).

Let me have your honest oppinion - thanks
//pot

Post #: 1

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 9:49:59 AM

RCdc

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If she doesn't know and consent to you having another partner, even for one off play, then yes it is cheating.

the.dark.

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 9:50:16 AM

LillyoftheVally

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Joined: 7/22/2009
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If you are feeling guilty it probably is, acting on it is in my eyes, depends on your view. I always think that if d/s is that important to you then you should tell your partner, if you cant then you should make a choice between the two, aint that hard

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 9:50:39 AM

LadyPact

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Standard rule.

If what you are doing is something you are hiding from your spouse, they probably think it's cheating, and that's what matters.

Man up. Either tell your wife that you have the account or deactivate it.

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 10:32:49 AM

OttersSwim

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It is not just about "action" - it is about "intent". This is a dating site where you would meet people other than your wife...for what? You are not after model railroading here, you are looking for, hoping for, Intimate Contact.

In thought, in heart, or in deed, it is cheating if the person to whom you have honored with a vow does not know about it. It will almost certainly be viewed as a betrayal.

Time for some frank talk between you and your wife.

If you cannot talk to, cannot share this part of yourself, with this person to whom you have pledged to spend your life with...then there is consideration in that too.

Good luck to you.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 2/9/2010 10:33:25 AM >

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 10:44:55 AM

CarrieO

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I wonder, if the shoe were on the other foot, how would the OP feel if his wife decided to create a profile on a website to cyber with a man? Would he consider it cheating if she developed an attachment to her online beau...it's not like they actually met and had "real" sex...only cyber, maybe a bit of webcam play and chatting about themselves. Would he consider it cheating if she did all this and chose to keep it from him...private...in secret...because he really couldn't handle her desires.

I wonder.......

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 10:45:16 AM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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Yes, this is cheating by some definitions, lying by others.

At the very least it is refusing to trust your wife with yourself fully.

I just don't grok why anyone would marry someone who they couldn't trust themselves fully with.

We aren't perfect people, we are unlikely to have perfect matches but the least we can do is to be honest so we find a good match for ourselves where we don't have to hide parts of ourselves away in dark little closets.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pot

Hi

Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now).

Let me have your honest oppinion - thanks
//pot

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Post #: 7

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 11:09:31 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

Posts: 1269
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From: Portland Metro, Oregon
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pot

Snip...- I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. Snip...

How do you know she is only into vanilla stuff if the two of you have not discussed this? This statement of fact always annoys me. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out that she too enjoys this type of thing and has been worried that you might not understand.

But to answer your question, yes. If you are doing this behind her back, without her consent, it is in essence cheating. She will likely feel cheated upon. So to her, your wife, it would likely be considered cheating. Why not ask her if she thinks it's cheating? It is ultimately her opinion that matters.

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Post #: 8

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 11:19:03 AM

AquaticSub

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~Fast Reply~

Easy way to find out. Go ask your wife.

Otherwise, as stated, if you have to deceive her, it probably is. You should at least make an honest effort to resolve this *before* you go behind her back. There are tons of threads on the board with great advice on how to talk to a partner about this, I'd suggest doing some reading on them.

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Post #: 9

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 12:52:36 PM

slavekal

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This question comes up all the time...and boy, do the debates get heated. My opinion is that yes, it is cheating. If you can't tell your wife, if she would feel betrayed, and if you have to ask, then you are cheating.

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 1:16:41 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

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Ask her. That's the only answer that counts. If you can't ask her, it's because you already know the answer.

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Post #: 11

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 3:19:36 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

My opinion has always been that if you can't be honest with your wife about something (other than what you're buying her for her birthday or Christmas) then it's cheating. I can't even fathom being married to someone I couldn't be honest about my sexual desires. Of course, I also can't imagine being married to anyone who is not Shania Twain, which I'd reveal to her if she'd ever have that damn restraining order removed.....

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Post #: 12

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 3:33:14 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Yep, cheating. More importantly, you're feeling guilty, so there's some hope. Remember, Tiger Woods' 'apology' and 'rehab' mean nothing, because he's apologising that he got caught and he wants his endorsement$$ back; otherwise, he'd still be acting as the lying cheating ho he truly is.
So far, you're no Tiger Woods, which is a compliment. Talking to a spouse about things you want before you physically commit adultery or continue your fantasy life on here should make a difference.
Remember, you never know what a person enjoys sexually until you ask and/or they've experienced it.
If you're truly not sexually compatible, ask yourself why: did you marry cute but dumb or pretty but frigid [common on here]? Otherwise you're doomed to make the same mistake again.
Good luck to both of you. Now turn off the damned computer.

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Post #: 13

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 3:38:55 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pot

Hi

Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now).

Let me have your honest oppinion - thanks
//pot

If you have to ask.. you know damn well it is. Are you hiding this? Its cheating. Are you taking intimate time away from your relationship, then its cheating. Are you doing something you can't tell your spouse? yes, its cheating...

you knew the answer

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Post #: 14

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 4:52:32 PM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pot
Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now).

Let me have your honest opinion - thanks
//pot

I know this situation isn't nearly as cut and dry as some people make it out to be. I've been in your position, and am far enough out the other side to have some perspective.

Re: Your original question - I'll agree with previous posters saying that it's not our opinion that matters, but what your wife and you think about it that counts.

Now, that said, this is something that is speaking to you. You don't know as much as you want, but you're in a Catch 22 about how to learn more. Mainstream society (although becoming more and more accepting) still places a taboo on kinky activities. You don't want your wife to be scared, appalled, angry, grossed out, etc. Am I right?

The question you might be better off asking, and which may already be addressed in our new FAQ section, is, "How do I introduce my wife to my new interests?".

Sure, you 'know' her and we don't, but believe me, this is a VERY common situation. It doesn't matter if you are Dom, sub, male or female. Sometimes we're attracted for years, but didn't realize how strongly. Sometimes we know, and we've been in denial, and sometimes, its a part of yourself you didn't know existed, but you've evolved to a place where it appeals to you.

That's ok. A successful marriage should be about growing and evolving WITH your partner. This is a great opportunity to forge an even stronger bond by sharing the learning experience. If you go down the path, and don't give her the opportunity to join you, then you didn't give her a choice. That's disrespectful and dishonoring at the very least.

I can guarantee you, its not an easy road. Going down the path solo is the much easier (up front) exploration. But then, most people find something they can't live without, and then they gone too far to go back. They then get to explain how they know they like it so much, or come up with another, completely unrelated excuse.

This is about being honest with yourself, and honest with those around you. Its about having integrity and honor. This does pay off in the long run, though you might find that your life as you know it will change considerably. If you guide the ship with compassion for those fellow travelers, you'll always be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

Good luck,

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Post #: 15

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 5:29:54 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

pot, i took a look at your profile. Let's just leave kinky stuff out of this for the moment...your profile is filled with scores of beautiful young women as 'friends'. If i were your wife and I saw this profile I would be crushed. I would feel as though there were no way I could compete with what obviously seems to interest you which is young luscious women. Then if i found out you were interested in kinky activities I would be even more depressed because my husband has certain things/activities he desires and he couldn't come to me with his desires...instead he went to some strangers. Beautiful, young, strangers.

Everyone deserves to get what they need out of their relationships but you haven't told your wife what you need so she has no way of giving it to you. She deserves to know and to see if she can do this or not. There are ways for you to broach it to her gently, try praising her when she takes control or ask to do things for her. There are many old threads on this subject that can help you with that type of thing if you look for them.

Many people who hide their desires from their partners do so because they think they risk losing them. In the end they will lose them anyway because their need going unfulfilled will become resentment and most relationships cannot survive the resentment that builds up. So you have a choice, you risk losing her by letting her know where your interests lie, you tell her and the two of you work it out to strike some kind of balance, or you can lose the relationship over time because you hide things from her and are unfulfilled and the two of you grow apart.

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 5:36:34 PM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

You are emotionally cheating on your wife. You are also a liar because you are dishonest with her. Where will your rational stop? If you meet the right person for play will you rationalize it away as your wife not being able to handle the truth? Please, your just looking for someone to tell you this is all ok and it's not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pot

Hi

Being somehow confused with my acting - having a profile here - I am currious to know if this should be considered cheating - I am married and she is absolute only into vanilla stuff, and I could not scare her with my obsessions - and this domination thing is getting on to me. I could never do this in physics it just have to be a mindplay (as until now).

Let me have your honest oppinion - thanks
//pot

(in reply to pot)

Post #: 17

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 6:42:05 PM

GloriousMorning

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/18/2009
Status: offline

If you are doing something that you feel in your gut is lying, cheating, or being deceptive, you are cheating, even if it's just emotionally. If I found out my partner was secretly talking with another person sexually, I'd feel just as devastated as I would if they were actually fucking.

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Post #: 18

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 6:47:26 PM

kushiels

Posts: 55
Joined: 11/1/2009
Status: offline

Dude, you're doing something that is deceptive regarding sexual activities. In my mind, that's cheating.

But all I am is pixels - ask your wife.

Frankly, whatever label you want to put on it, you know that you aren't being honest, you know that what you are doing would hurt your wife if she knew. Since you asked, I'll say, have the decency to be honest about it. I know how hard that can be; I know how scary that can even be. It's still the right thing to do.

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Post #: 19

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/9/2010 9:17:18 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

Does the Mrs know you have a profile here? Are you being honest with her about looking for/having other partner(s)? If there is secrecy and lying involved, it is cheating. At least that's my take on the deal.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Post #: 20

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