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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/14/2010 10:30:32 AM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I've had "the talk". I've been in that position. I'm no stranger to what it feels like to be afraid of what will happen when I spilled My guts, wanting to come back to this life. Was it easy? Fuck no. I did it anyway. Yes, I was scared. Yes, there could have been many possible outcomes. Yes, I still stood up, opened My mouth, and had the courage to talk to My other half. I can promise you that, in that moment, I was scared as hell.

That's my thing right there, LadyPact. I have done all those things too. I have put myself all the way out there on the line with my spouse. I did the hard thing. I did it before I took so much as one toe into anything at all. I cannot even describe how excruciating it was to sit there and tell him all the awful truth of the details of what I was craving. Frankly, I wasn't very okay with it all myself, so it was horrible and humiliating and scary as hell. Then for someone to come to me and be taking the easy way out? After all I have put myself through? No. It's just not going to work.

This might come off as self righteous and I really don't care. Honesty and working through things really is the tough, but right, way. I cannot bear it when people don't want to put forth equivalent effort. I further cannot respect or trust someone who isn't showing me they can dig down deep and show integrity and character. I know I am taking a very hard line on this, but unfortunately I've been there. All other things being equal, he was actually a phenomenal human being. In the end though, I just couldn't stomach the fact that he cheated, lied to, and snuck around the very person that had commited to be in his life for the long haul. Theirs wasn't a good marriage and never was. I can only imagine his behavior wasn't making matters any better. That wasn't the point. What if the marriage failed? What if we decided to go into a long term, commited relationship? What happened when I was not meeting his needs? It was reasonable to assume he would do the same to me that he had with her. It wouldn't matter that he could come to me and we could have maybe met that need together. He couldn't face her and he couldn't face me either. That's what his behavior told me.

I'm very sorry. Relationships of any kind have to have as core elements some kind of baseline respect and trust. The foundation is already compromised when one in the relationship is handling their affairs this way. It may stand for awhile. One day it will all be crashing down. I don't plan to be inside the walls when it does.

lovingpet

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 2/14/2010 10:32:30 AM >

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/14/2010 1:37:20 PM

SweetDommes

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Amen, loving pet.

We've been cheated on, and we were unknowingly the "other women" for a short while (we had been talking to him for a few weeks and met with the guy once, nothing else - then we talked to his wife, that we had no clue about).

No one deserves to be put in either position. If there is to be any relationship, there must be trust. Without communication, there cannot be trust.

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/15/2010 11:47:15 AM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyPact
I've had "the talk". I've been in that position. I'm no stranger to what it feels like to be afraid of what will happen when I spilled My guts, wanting to come back to this life. Was it easy? Fuck no. I did it anyway. Yes, I was scared. Yes, there could have been many possible outcomes. Yes, I still stood up, opened My mouth, and had the courage to talk to My other half. I can promise you that, in that moment, I was scared as hell.

quote : ORIGINAL lovingpet:

That's my thing right there, LadyPact. I have done all those things too. I have put myself all the way out there on the line with my spouse. I did the hard thing. I did it before I took so much as one toe into anything at all. I cannot even describe how excruciating it was to sit there and tell him all the awful truth of the details of what I was craving. Frankly, I wasn't very okay with it all myself, so it was horrible and humiliating and scary as hell. Then for someone to come to me and be taking the easy way out? After all I have put myself through? No. It's just not going to work.

end QUOTE

LP and loving pet - YES, EXACTLY! After my own similar experiences (which I didn't necessarily handle in the best form) I did a lot of self evaluation and self evolution. I didn't want to get that far off the path again (due to the combination of my new found desires -not bad- plus my poor choices in handling the situation-VERY BAD).

That path SUCKED. I hurt people I loved. There was a change in my life that needed to happen, and by not being transparent, open and honest, I got too far down the path to reach easily back. By the time I felt comfortable enough (read, by the time I realized it was something essential to my happiness), I had already alienated my spouse by exclusion, and committed acts and indiscretions, that irrevocably damaged my marital relationship.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a better person because of the lessons I learned, but in hindsight, I wish I would have done things very differently. When I advocate being open and transparent, its because I want to save others the pain of going the other path.

But I am not attached to what they do, because there are some of us that need to learn lessons the hard way.

Because of knowing how both paths work, I now choose to follow the open and transparent path. It very quickly cuts down on incompatibilities in the beginning. I've also found that I have more choices in partners, because I have a definite aura of self confidence that I am where I am supposed to be, a 'grounding' if you will, which is an attractive quality.

WIIWD involves dancing on the edge. I want to know that my partner has the inner core strength to go there too. This is means both sides of the kneel, because trust and respect goes both ways. Living with integrity, means I can demand it in my partners. I did it, and so now it's one of my requirements if you want to interact with me on anything other than an online forum.

I understand that there are stretches on some peoples' paths where they choose to act differently, so I do not judge them. However, I do choose to limit my exposure and their influence in my life because the outcome is not an 'if' but a 'when'.

(I started writing this thread on Saturday afternoon, and just now getting back to the computer Monday afternoon - so I apologize if the thread has gotten significantly past this point.)

Happy Mardi Gras!

< Message edited by SthrnCom4t -- 2/15/2010 11:49:01 AM >

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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/15/2010 3:56:05 PM

hereyesruponyou

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Ugh! I am so tired of hearing "I love her to death but..." "She's my best friend, but..." "Our marriage is perfect except for this" etc... These comments are then either followed by some specific sexual desire or someone claiming that it's not even about sex, it's the actual submission/dominance outside of sex. I just want to say REALLY? Honestly, if there is anything in your relationship with someone that makes you hide a part of who you are, how can you really feel you are in a good relationship. It's obvious to me that there is more than just some sexual act or role play need missing from this relationship. There is a distinct lack of connection between the people involved. My experience then says that either both people are aware of this and willing to accept what they have even if it is flawed, or more often what I have seen is that one person is dissatisfied but plays like everything is fine making the other partner think everything IS fine, but in reality they are then going behind their back and having relationships with others. It doesn't matter if there is sex involved, any more than it matters if there is golf involved. Both are just activities to me. What matters is the relationship you are looking to have and the part of you that you are going to share with someone other than your supposed "soul mate".

I was told by my ex that even seeing pictures of people tied up made him sick. At that point I had to decide how important bdsm was to me. Turns out at that point it was fairly important and that added to many other "little things" led me to walk away from someone who is still a very good friend. My fiance now is someone who is in the lifestyle and through trial and error we discovered that while we both enjoy experiencing playing with others, our relationship does best when we do it together for the most part. I have kept a primarily online pet in chastity for some time, but my mate knew about it, condoned it, and even participated at times in the dynamic. It's the only way it feels right to me.

Certainly not an angel....

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