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RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 6:45:11 AM

masmiss

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
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How do you know she will be "scared" by your obsessions? IMO you are looking for validation for your actions here on the boards so you can feel better about your actions. Judging from the bevy of beauties you have listed as friends on your profile one can come to the conclusion that you have been doing this for awhile and need relief from your guilt.

Give your wife the respect she deserves and sit down and talk to her. Personally, I would be hurt and insulted if my partner just assumed I would be unable to handle whatever he wanted to share with me.

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Post #: 21

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 8:03:48 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
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Ya'know...just once...just once...I would like to see the married guy come fucking back to the topic and say "Hey, you guys gave me a lot to think about." or "What you say is true, I need to make some changes." or even "I took your advice and she and I talked last night."

They always just disappear and rarely post again. Too much truth to confront I suppose. That little guilty voice in their conscious gets them to come here and post a question like that, they don't quite understand where they are when the big mirror comes up and shows them the truth and the ugliness of what they are engaged in...

And so they flee, not man enough to face the truth of their betrayal of someone they supposedly love and have given a vow, to selfish to change things to stop it. Selfish...

BAH I say...

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 2/10/2010 8:04:54 AM >

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Post #: 22

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 8:36:23 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
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I noticed the OP has been back viewing this thread. I have a feeling he's waiting for someone to give the right answer....one that will justify his reasons perhaps?

Sometimes, no response is the most telling response of all.

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Post #: 23

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:02:23 AM

SternFather

Posts: 32
Joined: 4/21/2006
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quote:

It is not just about "action" - it is about "intent". This is a dating site where you would meet people other than your wife...for what? You are not after model railroading here, you are looking for, hoping for, Intimate Contact.

Wait, this is a dating site?

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Post #: 24

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:03:46 AM

pot

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Ya'know...just once...just once...I would like to see the married guy come fucking back to the topic and say "Hey, you guys gave me a lot to think about." or "What you say is true, I need to make some changes." or even "I took your advice and she and I talked last night."

They always just disappear and rarely post again. Too much truth to confront I suppose. That little guilty voice in their conscious gets them to come here and post a question like that, they don't quite understand where they are when the big mirror comes up and shows them the truth and the ugliness of what they are engaged in...

And so they flee, not man enough to face the truth of their betrayal of someone they supposedly love and have given a vow, to selfish to change things to stop it. Selfish...

BAH I say...

and I will come back - and yes the answers give me much to think about.... are you happy now.... this isnt an easy subject and I am not here to offend you all - this isnt my final but I have to digest all the answers... patience please

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 25

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:04:54 AM

MissBeautiful2U

Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline

Best way to answer that is to ask yourself how would your wife answer this question?

There are some who are ok with their spouse seeking porn outlets... fewer who are ok with online chat... but if she would be ok with it, then no, not cheating. If it would cause a major riff between the two of you if your activities were found out, then yes, cheating. Honestly to me, it is not the sexual nature of an affair that seems to hurt the innocent spouse the most, it is the deception that went into it. Sure the sexual intimacies may be upsetting and may never be something they would agree to, but what really haunts someone is knowing that there was a betrayal of trust.

(in reply to pot)

Post #: 26

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:12:29 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pot

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Ya'know...just once...just once...I would like to see the married guy come fucking back to the topic and say "Hey, you guys gave me a lot to think about." or "What you say is true, I need to make some changes." or even "I took your advice and she and I talked last night."

They always just disappear and rarely post again. Too much truth to confront I suppose. That little guilty voice in their conscious gets them to come here and post a question like that, they don't quite understand where they are when the big mirror comes up and shows them the truth and the ugliness of what they are engaged in...

And so they flee, not man enough to face the truth of their betrayal of someone they supposedly love and have given a vow, to selfish to change things to stop it. Selfish...

BAH I say...

and I will come back - and yes the answers give me much to think about.... are you happy now.... this isnt an easy subject and I am not here to offend you all - this isnt my final but I have to digest all the answers... patience please

How hard is it to 'digest' several people telling you the same thing? Not a single person who replied on this thread thought you were acting in a faithful or honest manner.

Truthfully, you already knew this. It wasn't something you had to ask. Perhaps, you were just hoping that kinky people didn't have the same ethical standards as others.

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Post #: 27

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:40:29 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact.
Perhaps, you were just hoping that kinky people didn't have the same ethical standards as others.

Perhaps not 'kinky' people but 'internet' people-in his defence, some things are different on the net. Just not this.

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Post #: 28

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:41:38 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Ya'know...just once...just once...I would like to see the married guy come fucking back to the topic and say "Hey, you guys gave me a lot to think about." or "What you say is true, I need to make some changes." or even "I took your advice and she and I talked last night."

Actually... I've seen it a few times.

I think it's more common for them to come back and bitch about how evil we are, how we aren't real, and how we don't understand than to not say anything though.

And, despite the OP's one post, I'm wondering the same thing. If they are just waiting for the "right" answer so that they can swoop in, call the rest of us idiots and leave.

OP - I don't know if you'll give this a shot or not but I frequently suggest reading the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" and giving it to your wife at the right time. It can be a fanastic resource and then you at least know you tried. Because, frankly, the worst that can happen is that she leaves you.

And if she leaves you because you are kinky and you want to be honest with her, what do you think she would do when she discovers you've been going behind her back with kinky stuff?

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Post #: 29

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 10:04:33 AM

BoiJen

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Joined: 3/7/2007
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Despite my own personal protest to Valentine's day I'm gonna put a little heart around Otter's name for a while for typing what I been thinkin.

LadyPact (hello!), I think you're right though. There's an assumption that because like to cause one another pain that, of course, our morals and the community ethics must be more loose. How else can you explain our perversions? Except that in each and every one of us we've just chosen to be honest with ourselves and our inner hedonists...AND we were/are honest with our partners about it. So, the same goes for trying to explain to the Christian right-wingers why being gay isn't morally compromising. Here's how:

We're open and honest with our partners...we don't just fuck around with anybody who come along (though sometimes that's fun)
We commit to ourselves first before committing to others (funny how honesty starts from within and all)
Every single act we commit is one of consent (no one is being lied to or forced into anything...despite some of our roleplay situations)...which includes, if we're poly or non-monogamous in another way...OUR PARTNER'S CONSENT TO WHAT WE DO WITH OTHERS (funny that)

I just don't think that observers focused on the kinky acts rather than the people committing those acts understand that most of us uphold some sense of integrity behind our actions. Or at least most of us try to.

Now, OP, if you're willing to engage in this conversation, you need to understand that once every two weeks someone posts "is this cheating on my wife?" threads and several times daily FemDommes here are approached by married men who wish to use these women as a means to cheat on their wives. They have no real sense of desire to serve anything or anyone other than themselves and they LOVE to dress it all up and call themselves "submissives". I have news for OP, the responses you've gotten here are pretty much the same response ANYONE coming to this board and asking this questions is going to get, no matter their role or gender. If you're having to come to terms with the idea that you're cheating on your wife and this is simply confirmation of that, then you're not going to get much sympathy from anyone here and may even get some hate mail for it. It's kinda of offensive to those where who participate in consensually kinky acts and authority dynamic relationships when someone comes to their circle of influence and asks if they can use kinky desires as a reason to cheat on their partners.

You do however have one chance and one chance only to make this a positive conversation. You can choose to ask how to bring up your kinky desire to your partner in a non-offensive way and in a way that most women here might be able to accept if they were to be in a similar situation as your wife. Like this, "Ladies, I'm attempting to cope with my newly found and personally accepted kinky desires. I don't know how to bring this up to my wife in a way that won't freak her out and I don't want to scare her. My relationship with my wife is important so could you please give me some advice into how to bring this subject up in a way that is sensitive to her feelings and our relationship without discounting my own needs?" Try saying that out loud just a couple of times and compare that to your original question. Try putting yourself in these women's heels and seeing how it might be to read each of these manners of approach. Then just guess which one gets the better and more helpful response.

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Post #: 30

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 11:04:25 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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<3 right back at you BoiJen.

OP...as Boi pointed out, you are not by any means the first to come here and ask this question. You are the latest in an endless stream of males who seemingly find themselves in a state of compromise of their integrity.

I have a friend who works at a prison. His outlook on humanity is very dim. He drinks from the fire hose, experiencing and interacting with those who are compromised in their integrity for a different reason and are paying the price.

It is a bit similar for us here. Taking this forum as a slice of "the male" of the species, it is wondrous to me that any female who frequents these forums desires to have -anything- to do with a male period.

Whatever your situation, you are not the first, you will not be the last. What is important is that you recognize this moment for what it is - a reflection of you in this moment of time. That reflection shows that you are compromised in your integrity to your wife - and thus, you are at a crossroads.

I wish you wisdom in choosing your path forward...

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Post #: 31

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 11:09:31 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
Taking this forum as a slice of "the male" of the species, it is wondrous to me that any female who frequents these forums desires to have -anything- to do with a male period.

Seriously? I call you, Peon, Pyro, Rochsub, Politesub, the cute dude who posted about settings and scenery the other day...

I'm convinced I have missed at least one person out but I haven't eaten in twenty-four hours so whoever they are they are escaping me.

This place is full of awsum fellas, and that's coming from a lesbian! So it must be true...

edited because I sort of forgot that Doms are blokes too-lots of them are lovely as well :-P

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 2/10/2010 11:10:50 AM >

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Post #: 32

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 4:10:29 PM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
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I don't think this guy is honest on any level. He does not list himself as married in his profile. When looking at his so called blog all I see is him gratifying himself. I myself only see a married man who is lieing to the one person on earth he should cherish and be truthful to. Having been an imperfect creature all my life I hate to pass judgment on anyone but my opinion of this one is pretty low.

Hope he does not struggle to much trying to digest my opinion but I suspect he will trying to find an angle that makes me wrong and him right.

(in reply to pot)

Post #: 33

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 5:18:25 PM

herpet1313

Posts: 68
Joined: 9/18/2005
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I wouldn't consider simply visiting this site a marital infraction, but if you are trying to hook up with somebody, via the site, yes, that's wrong.
If you are in need of heavy duty BDSM action, then I agree with those who have stated that you made a wrong initial choice for a mate, but ...
I met my wife with little knowledge of my own inner submissive desires. It took some time but I showed her my interest to submit was sincere by my "actions". I do the laundry, grocery shopping, 95% of the housework and treat her as the goddess she is. I would not call my wife a Dominatrix, but she has reciprocated in so many ways and I am very happy!
There are all types of D/s relationships.

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Post #: 34

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 9:48:44 PM

SthrnCom4t

Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
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I've read through this thread, made my own reply on the first page. I can appreciate that most of us here have traveled the path and have been out the other side. Some never had to deal with spouses that weren't interested, and some of you had a spouse that said no, and you just stayed away for many years.

However, don't you think it's better to lead by example, give an honest answer back, and then give the guy some time? Boijen - great post/reply. Yours is one of the few that doesn't SCREAM judgment. LP, I have a great amount of respect for you, but the guy isn't on anyone's time schedule but his own. How long he chooses to take is his. We can think it's a simple process, but really, if you aren't used to living in that fashion (and we know a lot of people who aren't) it can take some time.

And Otter, I'm going to say this publicly, get off your judgmental high horse. A person can come and ask a question and get some answers, then go away and think. He doesn't HAVE TO come back and give any further feedback. (sure, it's nice, but its not a requirement) Again, he's not on anyone's time table and your post went down the negative, judgmental route condemning him on the 'sins' of other previous posters.

This person hasn't come back defensively. He's not getting irate that we didn't give him the answer he wanted.

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Post #: 35

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/10/2010 10:21:46 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I understand your position, Sthrn, but I have to say that I don't quite agree with it. I would be all there with you if the OP happened to be single and not involved with anyone else. The thing is, he's not. He's got another living, breathing human being in his life. One that doesn't deserve to be deceived, or at the very minimum not be having the person that she's living with be honest with her. What did she do to deserve that? She was/is <gasp> vanilla. What does she get? A husband who is searching for another woman on the internet.

Entirely too often, we're ready to jump on the side of the person in a marriage who has discovered they have a kinky side. We don't show the compassion for that non kinky partner. While we sing the chorus of 'be the kinky person that you are', we so quickly forget that there's another person in the picture who is being who they are, or hasn't even been given the option yet of sharing this path with their partner, because they never talked to them about it. We talk so much about consent, but we forget that the option of consent is being removed from that spouse at home. The very things that we would say would not be acceptable in a dynamic; dishonesty, non-consent, potential harm, etc shouldn't be acceptable in a marriage. The fact that we're talking about a non kinky person in the equation doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be treated just as honorably as we would a submissive.

Rather than making an account on a BDSM site, what happened to options such as honestly talking with the spouse? What about reading some articles, rather than trying to involve another living person (the Dominant he's searching for)? In the grand scheme of things, wouldn't spending $19.95 for a copy of "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" be a much better method than the deception that's trying to be played out?

Instead, people 'discover' kink and lose their minds. They become very selfish about their wants, their desires, their growth, and their, their, their, their. In pursuing them, they chose to forget that they have other people in their lives that have just as much right to what they want as the person who wants to explore kink. That other human being, the non kinky one, has just as much value as the person who has found the kinky part of themselves. That non kinky person isn't here to speak up for themselves. I think some of us in this community should.

Edited because I got so caught up in the wants, I missed the fact that one of the words was "what".

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 2/10/2010 10:31:00 PM >

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 36

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/11/2010 1:06:46 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
One that doesn't deserve to be deceived, or at the very minimum not be having the person that she's living with be honest with her. What did she do to deserve that? She was/is <gasp> vanilla.

LadyPact,

I'm not sure this is entirely fair. My mum (who will have been married for 35 years and still going strong this August, so she must be doing something right) always says that if there is an atmosphere in a marriage where on partner feels like they can't be completely honest with the other, then both partners have to take at least some responsibility for having created that atmosphere.

We don't know the OP's wife. While her only 'crime' could be her vanilla-ness, she could also be unapproachable, or fragile, or prone to getting scarily angry...

I'm not excusing the OP. I'm just saying that it might not be as simple as 'OP is lying therefore everything is OP's fault'.

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Post #: 37

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/11/2010 1:45:02 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

In our case - our former boy knew that we were kinky, knew that we were open to various things, knew that he could do a vast number of things with us ... and still chose to go online behind our backs and tell someone else that she was the love of his life, made plans to go meet with her for a 3some (when he could have had that at any time here, at home ...) - so what did we do to make him feel that he couldn't come to us about wanting that? Please, tell me ... our former boy chose to not talk to us about it - his decision, his fuck-up. He made no attempt to discuss it with us. From what I see in the OP - he hasn't bothered to even try talking to his wife about his desires either. that makes him wrong.

If he did try and broach the subject, then I take back what I've said - but I see absolutely no indication that he has tried; just his statement that he doesn't want to scare her with it. Some people do flip out over stuff like that - but if he makes no attempt, then it is the OP's fault.

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Post #: 38

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/11/2010 3:53:09 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

In our case - our former boy knew that we were kinky, knew that we were open to various things, knew that he could do a vast number of things with us ... and still chose to go online behind our backs and tell someone else that she was the love of his life, made plans to go meet with her for a 3some (when he could have had that at any time here, at home ...) - so what did we do to make him feel that he couldn't come to us about wanting that? Please, tell me ... our former boy chose to not talk to us about it - his decision, his fuck-up. He made no attempt to discuss it with us. From what I see in the OP - he hasn't bothered to even try talking to his wife about his desires either. that makes him wrong.

If he did try and broach the subject, then I take back what I've said - but I see absolutely no indication that he has tried; just his statement that he doesn't want to scare her with it. Some people do flip out over stuff like that - but if he makes no attempt, then it is the OP's fault.

Ok, I don't know you or your former boy, so I'm not going to sit here and attempt to dissect your relationship. But do you think he would have behaved in that way if he felt entirely happy and fulfilled? (I'm not accusing you of anything; I'm asking a genuine question.)

And I just want to repeat again that we don't know the OP's wife. I'm not saying that if she was a difficult person it would make the OP's action any less objectionable. I was taking issue with Lady Pact's statement that all she did wrong was to be vanilla-I'm saying that we don't have enough information to decide whether or not that is true.

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Post #: 39

RE: Married - is this then cheating - 2/11/2010 4:03:57 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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Some people are never happy or fullfilled no matter what is going on in his/her life. That's why there are so many cheaters in this world (and I'm not just talking about people cheating on their SO's - I'm talking about all kinds of cheating). Obviously, he wasn't happy/fulfilled ... but HE CHOSE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO US. That was his problem, his fault, his fuckup ... not mine, not Holly's, not rob's. He was hiding his little affair - he was sneaking around behind our backs ... just like the OP is on his wife.

As I said, if he has tried to talk to her about it and she flipped out, then I take back at least part of what I've said against him - but he needs to make the decision to either deal with not having it, or split so that he can get it elsewhere. It can pretty much only go badly to cheat.

eta - caps was used for emphasis, not for "yelling" ... the point I'm making is that sneaking around is the problem here. Communication is key and the OP, like our ex, has chosen to toss that key out the window.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 2/11/2010 4:08:22 AM >

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Post #: 40

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