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ownedbyPF -> RE: Doormats (2/25/2010 10:14:35 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
Truely enjoyed this post. Priceless. :-) I believe NZ commented it falling upon the character of the Dominant. In order for the Dominant to be in control, this requires some form of Discipline and mental bondage. The mental bondage aspects would affect the motivators (motivation). afkarr in post# 120 brought up the topic regarding motivation. There would have to be some form of motivation for a Doormat to make adjustments. So considering the Mental bond of the D/s relationship, the Dominant instilling into the sub/slave a framework that guides behavior that the sub is bound to. Mental Bondage affects the Discipline and Behavior of the submissive. Boundaries are set and the sub asserts those boundaries.
tazzygirls posting on the thread, made me stop back and look at doormats are just not a doormat in a relationship, but doormats to all kinds of other people. (friends, family, neighbors, and etc...). After reading the article she shared (somebody else share link to another excellent article) it was painfully clear that steps needed to break free from being a doormat required certain actions/steps to take place. Clear a matter of one taking charge and control of thier own behaviors, which is a matter of Discipline. Many people tend to think of Discipline in regards to punishment. Anyways, if one is not in a D/s relationship clearly this matter is that of self-Discipline. In a D/s relationship it would be a combination of D/s Discipline and self Discipline.
I would think any Dominant in their right mind, would address this issue with a submissive partner that was, well basically submitting to the whole damn world. Enter the world of training, shaping and molding. (fuck all the people that are so against shaping and molding, because it has it's place and purpose). Anyways, there would have to be some adjustments made, so the submissive would be less of a doormat to the whole wide world. Structure.
On a personal level, I would be working at trying to instill the concepts or similar concepts in that the articles tazzygirl and afkarr shared in their posts.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5265493_not-doormat-people.html
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/01/people-pleasers-and-doormats-care-what-people-think-about-them.html
Because I would (my preference) want the sub/slave to be able to function independently in accordence to the framework laid out and understood. Else, I would have to be engaged in a higher level of so called "Micro management" of her doormattedness. This would result in only taxing me personally with a higher work load (pass on that, thank you). However, I would engage in using "Micro Management" in this case for a period of time for training, or otherwise to make an effort to affect the required behavior modification as required. Mind you I would be using information such as that contained in the links shared above, as a guideline along with incorperating whatever personal Prime Directives (Sorry for Star Trek Joke) lol... rules that i wanted to frame at this time. i.e. Motivational stuff. This way they would have a clear understanding of the positive/negative consequences for thier own actions. Gotta have accountability along with responsibility. (at least this is my thing).
Now personally, I've never had to deal with somebody who was this much of a Doormat, ever in my life. However, I'm simply applying the processes here that I'm used to. Everybody has their own styles when it comes to D/s. I've always tried to tackle things as realistically as possible. Because in many regards when it comes to making changes, both the Dominant and sub have to dedicate some time, engergy and work to it. After awhile, things should be able to work on auto-pilot without a lot of effort.
What's Ironic, is that my methods come from the Vanilla world. I don't try to stand over somebody with a fucking whip and expecting Pain to be the motivator for change. Bad fucking Slave, Wack Wack Wack...
I've taken heat before in the topic of Shaping & Molding and even Micro Management as a training tool. I tend to engage in these practices without casting a label upon it. I don't sit down and tell somebody Today, we are going to engage in Training. Now sit down at your desk and take out a pen, turn to chapter 10 of your books. Pfffft.. Seriously, I never tell somebody I'm training you. Instead I've presented them with information and talked about issues and engaged in discusssion regarding what needs to be done. I actually let them have an active voice in establishing the game plan too. But that's a topic for another time.
Anyways, yeah... gonna post this now.
Be Well
I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate the thought that went into this reply. I wanted to comment on the parts about training and micromanaging, but needed to think on it a bit. I'm glad I waited because julia did a way better job!!
I know there's a fair bit of micromanaging in our relationship. There is also a fair bit of autopilot. It's been three years and so there was certainly the training in the beginning to learn exactly what he wanted, how he wanted it and so on. Now, for the most part, I just roll along because I know exactly what's expected of me pretty much every minute of ever day(hence the micromanaged part) On the other hand it's auto pilot because I do know and I do so. The key for us is that he still mixes it up sometimes, finds ways to keep me on my toes, and the most important thing of all is that I know he still pays attention to eeeverything. So I stlll get that same feeling of....... pressure, for lack of a better term.... and yet it isn't like he has to spend all of his time whipping me either :)
~s
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