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Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Doormats (2/25/2010 12:23:02 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ownedbyPF
quote:
ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4
I would expect any sub/slave to be able to adhere to a set of boundaries that their Dominant partner establishes. (i.e. No Drinking without permission) and to not be a doormat when interacting with other people and be assertive about it. (i.e. No thank you I'm not drinking tonight, or let me make a phone call first). This would require Discipline.
A sub/slave lacking Discipline, just might give in to the pressure of social influence of friends, family, neighbors or whoever and end up breaking boundaries because of her Doormatted Submissive Nature.
All of which has nothing to do with the concept of being a Doormat that lends itself to abuse. Because she is letting other people walk all over her and the boundaries set forth by her Dom/Master/Owner.
Intially I was not looking at Doormat being applied in this context, but rather with regards to abuse.
Except that having Masters orders to focus on is what enabled me to become less of a doormat to the rest of the world. Before I was with him I sucked at boundaries, self discipline and all the rest. I could muster up assertiveness if I reallly really had to, but otherwise not at all. Ever since my Master has put all of these boundaries and rules into place for me, and my primary objective in life is to please him, it's easy for me to say no to someone else... hmmm being focussed on his pleasure and his rules gives me the backbone to not be a doormat to the world... a doormat only to him ;)
Having said that though I must add on that anytime someone wants something from me that doesn't conflict with my obedience to my Master..... I'm right back to doormat. In other words he is my guide. If someone says "can you..." or "will you..." My immediate thought goes to what my Master would want me to do. If I know the answer is no, then I have no problem saying no, now. If i'm not sure then I have to ask Mr.Man because otherwise I will slide right into some dumb comittment I never should have made and want to kick myself in the ass for, but can't bear to go back on! Essentially it's like I need him to tell me it's okay to say no.
I am definitely a doormat and I'm entirely okay with that. In fact, I would go one step futher and say one of the reasons I am so grateful for the way my life is, is because with my Master i can be me... I can be a doormat, I can be less than brilliant, I can struggle with assertiveness... and it's all okay with him, he doesn't make me feel bad or ashamed of any of it. So now I can say I'm a doormat and honestly not care what anyone else thinks of it... not prideful, not ashamed... just matter of fact... doormat.
~s
editted for a lil clarity:)
Truely enjoyed this post. Priceless. :-) I believe NZ commented it falling upon the character of the Dominant. In order for the Dominant to be in control, this requires some form of Discipline and mental bondage. The mental bondage aspects would affect the motivators (motivation). afkarr in post# 120 brought up the topic regarding motivation. There would have to be some form of motivation for a Doormat to make adjustments. So considering the Mental bond of the D/s relationship, the Dominant instilling into the sub/slave a framework that guides behavior that the sub is bound to. Mental Bondage affects the Discipline and Behavior of the submissive. Boundaries are set and the sub asserts those boundaries.
tazzygirls posting on the thread, made me stop back and look at doormats are just not a doormat in a relationship, but doormats to all kinds of other people. (friends, family, neighbors, and etc...). After reading the article she shared (somebody else share link to another excellent article) it was painfully clear that steps needed to break free from being a doormat required certain actions/steps to take place. Clear a matter of one taking charge and control of thier own behaviors, which is a matter of Discipline. Many people tend to think of Discipline in regards to punishment. Anyways, if one is not in a D/s relationship clearly this matter is that of self-Discipline. In a D/s relationship it would be a combination of D/s Discipline and self Discipline.
I would think any Dominant in their right mind, would address this issue with a submissive partner that was, well basically submitting to the whole damn world. Enter the world of training, shaping and molding. (fuck all the people that are so against shaping and molding, because it has it's place and purpose). Anyways, there would have to be some adjustments made, so the submissive would be less of a doormat to the whole wide world. Structure.
On a personal level, I would be working at trying to instill the concepts or similar concepts in that the articles tazzygirl and afkarr shared in their posts.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5265493_not-doormat-people.html
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/01/people-pleasers-and-doormats-care-what-people-think-about-them.html
Because I would (my preference) want the sub/slave to be able to function independently in accordence to the framework laid out and understood. Else, I would have to be engaged in a higher level of so called "Micro management" of her doormattedness. This would result in only taxing me personally with a higher work load (pass on that, thank you). However, I would engage in using "Micro Management" in this case for a period of time for training, or otherwise to make an effort to affect the required behavior modification as required. Mind you I would be using information such as that contained in the links shared above, as a guideline along with incorperating whatever personal Prime Directives (Sorry for Star Trek Joke) lol... rules that i wanted to frame at this time. i.e. Motivational stuff. This way they would have a clear understanding of the positive/negative consequences for thier own actions. Gotta have accountability along with responsibility. (at least this is my thing).
Now personally, I've never had to deal with somebody who was this much of a Doormat, ever in my life. However, I'm simply applying the processes here that I'm used to. Everybody has their own styles when it comes to D/s. I've always tried to tackle things as realistically as possible. Because in many regards when it comes to making changes, both the Dominant and sub have to dedicate some time, engergy and work to it. After awhile, things should be able to work on auto-pilot without a lot of effort.
What's Ironic, is that my methods come from the Vanilla world. I don't try to stand over somebody with a fucking whip and expecting Pain to be the motivator for change. Bad fucking Slave, Wack Wack Wack...
I've taken heat before in the topic of Shaping & Molding and even Micro Management as a training tool. I tend to engage in these practices without casting a label upon it. I don't sit down and tell somebody Today, we are going to engage in Training. Now sit down at your desk and take out a pen, turn to chapter 10 of your books. Pfffft.. Seriously, I never tell somebody I'm training you. Instead I've presented them with information and talked about issues and engaged in discusssion regarding what needs to be done. I actually let them have an active voice in establishing the game plan too. But that's a topic for another time.
Anyways, yeah... gonna post this now.
Be Well
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