RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (Full Version)

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cloudboy -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:16:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have always wondered how much of this stems from, abuse, neglect, mental illness and/or unreconciled or untreated traumas from one's past.

Seems an incredibly prevalent theme.


This theme became a heavy one world-wide around 5/2/2006.



Frankseas -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:18:43 AM)

Slave is a state of mind. If the thought doesnt bother you about being one and controlled by another then chances are you will make a decent slave. If there are doubts then try being a sub first, just a suggestion of course for you to think about!

"Slave or Slave Not" young Jedi[;)]



Lorenzo19 -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:19:33 AM)

quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:31:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have always wondered how much of this stems from, abuse, neglect, mental illness and/or unreconciled or untreated traumas from one's past.

Seems an incredibly prevalent theme.


i have dealt with abuse, neglect in the past. Have been through treatment to deal with my past, mostly dealt with. NO mental illness. But thanks for asking.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:34:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating.


Companionship is wonderful, loneliness is a state of mind. If you can only do well when you have a partner, you can't flourish without one so you have a choice of languishing or settling. Frankly, I find both of those concepts objectionable and not something I want to be saddled with. Besides, on a purely practical point, if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise. Considering my history, that possibility is rather enticing!



Dominasola -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:37:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true. [:)]



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:38:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating.


Companionship is wonderful, loneliness is a state of mind. If you can only do well when you have a partner, you can't flourish without one so you have a choice of languishing or settling. Frankly, I find both of those concepts objectionable and not something I want to be saddled with. Besides, on a purely practical point, if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise. Considering my history, that possibility is rather enticing!



Some bolding added by me.

That is the point of this whole thread for me. To make myself as whole as possible as an individual so that i am a even better partner when i am in a relationship. This whole thread is about facing some issues that i see in myself that are still unresolved.

Thank you all again for your comments.

heartfelt



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:40:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true. [:)]



Wanted to second these comments, by NZ. i agree with them whole heartedly.

heartfelt



Dominasola -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 9:59:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

by NZ



Not NZ. [;)] 

But thanks! [:D]



Icarys -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:00:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true. [:)]



Wanted to second these comments, by NZ. i agree with them whole heartedly.

heartfelt

I'll take a shot at third-ing it.

~TheSniper



NihilusZero -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:02:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

by NZ



Not NZ. [;)] 

But thanks! [:D]


It's okay, Kitten.

I'll take credit for the praise.

*pet*

[:D]



SimplyMichael -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:11:22 AM)

Heartfelt,

This has been one of the better and more enlightening discussions I have read in ages and reminds me why I enjoyed CM so much.



NihilusZero -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:11:30 AM)

Just to add a bit of my own:

The concept of "needing" requires a greater vulnerability, so the potential for greater danger and damage is obviously coupled to it. However, there are all kinds of things in life that we "need". When it comes to using that term with other humans, however, we're perhaps prone to be a bit more critical because of how ephemeral most relationships are.

In the end, though, unless we are a biological exception to the rule, the human animal is a creature whose life is directed by the seeking of partnership and synergy. It is perhaps not a universal "need", but it's pretty close. The trick, of course, is to find the best way to acquire what you need without undue harm...but, then again, people usually don't step into things they think will end harmfully. Which means the situation gets reduced to understanding reality and understanding yourself and adopting realistic expectations to the decisions you make.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:20:27 AM)

Sorry i realized that after i sent it. Thank you Dominasola, i whole heartedly agree with your sentiment.

heartfelt



SimplyMichael -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:26:55 AM)

There is a huge difference between doing the internal work to be fully functional on your own and being co-dependant so that you NEED someone to be fully functional.

Or to put it in "relationship math" one is:

1/2 + 1 = 1.5

and the other is

1 + 1 = 3



Smutmonger -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:38:01 AM)

The biggest key to success in this is realizing the actual motivations and intent you both have before going in. And cutting through the bullshit you use to justify it.

Which is why I just shake my head at the romantical fantasy aspects so often expoused by "The true D/s relationship" crowd.

People are shifting individuals-some made up set of codes and rituals are not going to save you from making decent choices.

Only intelligence,a degree of compassion and a rock solid foundation in reality is going to give you those needful coping skills.



NihilusZero -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:43:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

There is a huge difference between doing the internal work to be fully functional on your own and being co-dependant so that you NEED someone to be fully functional.

Yes and no.

There is a night-and-day difference for those who have not yet found a situation that is likely to be constant.

There is no discernible difference if the two people are already in such a situation.

We're measuring the danger of "need" proportionally to the threat of the needed thing disappearing. Yet, at the same time, we fully empathize and support the idea of furthering the depth of emotional bonds between people in relationships.

For a couple who has been together for decades, to have one of the partners suddenly fall ill and die...what person would be "fully functional" in any real sense after suffering that (since I presume you're including the emotional facet in "fully")?

What are we exactly saying by "fully functional" anyway? We are all just big sound-boards with knobs and switches set at different positions. We all have varying needs. To be alive is, to one degree or another, to be dependent.

The only solid concern I can drum up is whether someone becomes so psychologically crippled by the loss of a need that suicide becomes a recurring prevalent mindset. Otherwise, it's just a matter of one person needing a wider support center than the next.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Or to put it in "relationship math" one is:

1/2 + 1 = 1.5

and the other is

1 + 1 = 3

There are no "half people"; there are people who we each might think would be a detractor to us in a relationship. For instance, my relationships would be severely compromised with someone who "needed" a heavy concept of theism in their daily lives. It might certainly affect the yield of our relationship (in quality and time), but it doesn't make them any different really.

I suppose a decent analogy (perhaps catering to my geeky side) is that, rather than integers, we are all dice. In some situations we roll higher than others and contribute more to the sum of the coupling, but we are each still 1 die.

(Alright, the analogy was kinda iffy, but I can't muster a better one at the moment...)



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:46:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Just to add a bit of my own:

The concept of "needing" requires a greater vulnerability, so the potential for greater danger and damage is obviously coupled to it. However, there are all kinds of things in life that we "need". When it comes to using that term with other humans, however, we're perhaps prone to be a bit more critical because of how ephemeral most relationships are.

In the end, though, unless we are a biological exception to the rule, the human animal is a creature whose life is directed by the seeking of partnership and synergy. It is perhaps not a universal "need", but it's pretty close. The trick, of course, is to find the best way to acquire what you need without undue harm...but, then again, people usually don't step into things they think will end harmfully. Which means the situation gets reduced to understanding reality and understanding yourself and adopting realistic expectations to the decisions you make.


Exactly. While most people won't enter a relationship that they think will add badly, in my opinion, a smart person, which i hope to be and hope i am, deals with internal issues that might cause a relationship to end. Which in my case is the emotional distancing and hiding that i have done in the past that as i said in the OP wouldn't be allowed if i am ever a slave.

Thanks for the reply.

heartfelt



heartfeltsub -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:51:58 AM)

Yes there have been some wonderful replies, thank you all for each one.

heartfelt



NihilusZero -> RE: Afraid To Be A Slave (3/2/2010 10:52:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Exactly. While most people won't enter a relationship that they think will add badly, in my opinion, a smart person, which i hope to be and hope i am, deals with internal issues that might cause a relationship to end. Which in my case is the emotional distancing and hiding that i have done in the past that as i said in the OP wouldn't be allowed if i am ever a slave.

Thanks for the reply.

heartfelt

That is certainly a functional method of dealing with it, yes. And, if it fits you comfortably, you should definitely be using it.

I'd only be concerned that it seems similar to the sort of mindset of someone who has just come out of a bad breakup saying: "I don't want to get hurt again so I'm never again getting into any sort of serious relationship."

Or, perhaps you'll just find yourself finding in a situation, like many do, that slowly grinds away your armor with consistency until you wake up one day and think to yourself: "Holy crap! I am a slave (in terms of boundaries, anymore)!" and realize that you're just fine with it because you've developed that comfortable a bond with your partner.



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