RE: his secret..

RE: his secret.. (Full Version)

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VideoAdminZeta -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 4:07:20 PM)
~ fast reply to several posters on this thread ~ Please trim your quotes. Many posts on this thread are hard to read because of lengthy, untrimmed quotes. A volunteer was kind enough to write a quote-trimming tutorial here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3100552/tm.htm Thank you.

LadyPact -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 4:11:24 PM)
I was actually thinking about that before I hit the OK button. LOL.

divi -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 4:13:03 PM)
A Dom I'm talking with told me a secret... he lives with his mom still hahaha

Thadius -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 5:00:02 PM)
Evening LP, In the interest of keeping this short and sweet (sans all of the quotes) I am simply replying. The quote you provided read to me as though the op meant to be clearer in her writing, and as she replied to you on page one with the answer about it being an ethical question and not to step on anybody toes, I would give that some credibility. It is obvious that the OP is not overly eloquent with her writing, but again I didn't see anything that suggested she felt like "Fuck the world, I am doing what I want.." She answered the question of why she was talking to a sub, and listed a whole bunch of groups of folks that she speaks to. It was you that originally hit her with the assumptions that their talks were about sex and such, which she clearly refuted in a response. It also was and has been implied that she is a predator and that is what her motivations were in talking to somebody on and off for 6 months. I could see how if she did get a bit defensive it was warranted. I didn't see the original text, but looking at time stamps I am guessing that many folks didn't see it as the edit is within 2 minutes of the OP, and I might before any responses were posted. As you know I am contacted by a great many folks on both sides of the kneel and some that are wishing to change sides of it. Further, you know that a Gorean slave is not going to do anything for very long without their owner(s) knowing about it. Have there been owned girls that I have had conversations with for extended periods, yes, have their owners known about it I can only assume that they informed them (some of the old grumpy bastards don't do the internet thing). In fact if a conversation hits one of my boundaries I point them back to their owner, post haste. To be fair and honest, I included that remark to get some attention and to highlight how it would feel to have numerous familiar names coming down on a newer person with accusations and attacks on character. However, as we have both seen around here (I am guilty of it as well) the pack feeding frenzy for those trolls that deserve such. This however is not the case for the OP. More on that in a minute. I speak my mind, and do not mince my words, and definitely am not interested in who is or isn't offended by them. Although I do try to be civil. I think I answered your other questions above, but just in case. I take control of my property and responsibility for its actions, therefore it would not go unnoticed for much more than a day, if at all. I know not everybody has the same feelings about their collared subs or slaves, and I do not expect folks outside my circle to keep the same standards for their property, I hope for it but do not expect it. One final note, I am actually surprised the question hasn't been asked. Why would Thadius come into this section and jump into a strange argument? The answer is simple, I can personally vouche for Spitfire, I have known her personally for quite awhile, and know a bit more about her character than comes across in this thread. She is not a poacher and was honestly looking for advice from folks in this community that she had come to admire. She is in fact a very close personal friend. I sometimes wonder if the years of reading and responding to the ramblings of trolls haven't blinded us to the way we treat newer members of our community. As always I wish you well, Thadius

Thadius -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 5:01:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I was actually thinking about that before I hit the OK button. LOL. Hehe, I had to go back and edit out the quotes while typing, then accidently deleted my response... For the record, editing around your colored text is a pain.[;)]

LafayetteLady -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 5:51:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessSpitfire here are some points you should think about: 1. Yes not everyone is out to be more than friends. Friends are friends whether they are Dom/Domme, sub, male or female, vanilla etc. 2. I was asking for some advice from a friend stand point. 3. I never said anything about diseases so what others said is irrelevant (about diseases that is) 4. you like drama and it shows in your posts clearly because you are telling me how I am when you dont know me. 5. Thanks for your opinions but I disagree with them. Its my right to have my opinions just as well as you do. 1. If you had paid attention, I didn't imply you had any ulterior motives. I stated that this guy had them with you, whether you wanted them, whether you admitted them or not. I also pointed out that he is NOT your friend. He is some stranger on the internet that you speak with on occasion. 2. See above. You can't ask something from a "friend" standpoint when someone is not your friend. You and he are virtual aquaintences, nothing more. 3. Actually the points that others made about diseases is very relevant. We live in a world where STDs are a very real concern and one partner cheating on the other unsuspecting parter without protection puts that unsuspecting partner at risk. THAT is something that everyone should be concerned about. I merely pointed out that if he was doing nothing more than "emotionally cheating" diseases would not be an issue. I would further point out though that the information he shares with you qualifies as emotional cheating as well. 4. I have never said that I don't enjoy the drama the people bring to these boards. Posts like yours are like a car wreck that people love to turn around and watch, me included. So while your attempt to turn the tables was an admirable try, it fell far short of the mark. Your post has nothing to do with who you are, nor did I ever say anything other than you seem to want to place yourself in the drama of someone else's life and come here looking to be applauded for it. I am not having private conversations with someone behind their partner's back, you are. I am not wondering what I should do about the information they are telling me, you are. I am telling you what I see based on the information you provided. If you would like to continue to dispute that it isn't who you are, I would suggest that you review things and see your own part in this drama. You are right that I don't know you. Based on the behavior you have admitted to in this post, I wouldn't want to, regardless of the defense that Thadius puts up for you. I see you as someone who although an adult is still behaving as though they are in high school and should grow up. 5. It's clear you disagree with me, along with everyone else on this board who has told you to stay out of it. Trying to play like you have a superior moral ethic by wanting to tell a complete stranger what HER partner is telling you behind her back really doesn't place you high on the moral superiority scale and there are several pages of agreements with that. But please feel free to continue to do what you are doing and see how well it is received when you talk to this woman who is a complete stranger to you and tell her that during the six months you have been talking with HER sub, he has told you how he has cheated on her and how he is displeased with her skills as his dominant. I'm betting she will be so grateful she will fall to her knees and kiss your feet after she kicks him out the door. If that is what you believe, then go for it. But please, when it backfires on you the way that more than half a dozen people have told you it would, don't come back here wondering to the boards why. Go cry to Thadius. After all, he knows you and is all too happy to vouch for your superior "character."

VaguelyCurious -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 5:56:56 PM)
Trying to trim stuff down so the mods don't get cross with me :-) quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact On top of that, if the male still felt the need to have intimate discussions with Me, I would absolutely encourage him to talk to the person who is really the only person who can work with him in the relationship. That is the significant other. So you're completely discounting the notion that talking with an outside observer could help? Not everyone is eloquent, LP. Not everyone is good at expressing their emotions, or opening up. Sometimes they need help working out what to say, or how to say it, or even working out exactly what it is that's bothering them-and it might be good to do that before they talk to their partner, no? quote: That's actually My process, too. However, I don't think conditions x,y,z were in place at all. What we have here is an OP who openly says that she isn't good with boundaries and obviously the person she was dealing with used that to his complete advantage. LaT is often known to have a saying that is very good for this situation. "Water rises to it's own level." It seems to Me that's exactly what we have here. I'm still not seeing that boundaries have been crossed, here. He's told her that he's unhappy in his relationship and his dynamic. He's told her that he's cheated. He hasn't necessarily included any gory details-in fact the OP is adamant that he hasn't. And I really don't think that we're in a position to know whether conditions x, y, z were in place-we just don't have enough information about the Domme and sub in question. quote: I can only speak for Myself. For Me, yes, taking My problems about My sex life to someone of the opposite gender is inappropriate, if the person I'm involved with doesn't know I'm having the discussion. Where I come from, we call that 'airing your dirty laundry in public'. Maybe it's because I come from a sexually fluid background, but it's never even occcurred to me that the gender of the person I was talking to would make a difference! My male friends definitely know more about my sex life than my female friends (mostly because they can be trusted not to blab...) Where I come from, 'airing your dirty laundry in public' is shouting it out in front of a room full of people-not confiding in someone, as the sub in this situation has done. quote: I'm also of the mind that, whoever you (generic you) are involved with, should be the person that you're able to talk to and bring your issues up. If it isn't, you're in the wrong relationship. I completely agree with this. But it's very easy to say that someone is in the wrong relationship-actually fixing the problems, or extricating (generic) yourself from the situation is much much harder and more complicated. quote: We're three pages in now. If this OP had made that suggestion, I think she would have mentioned it by this point. Are you absolutely sure of that? Thadius said it himself-she's not the most eloquent of people. OP? Care to comment? Did you advise the sub to discuss his feelings with his Domme? quote: Does the male in this scenario strike you as a very honest type of individual? It doesn't come across to Me that way. Oh, come on, LP-all we've got to judge him on is the OP's assertions, and the knowledge that he cheated once in an unhappy relationship he doesn't know how to fix. Not much to go on. quote: Not once in any of the follow ups has she said that she would have respected such boundaries had they been in place. She hasn't said that she wouldn't, either. Nobody has asked her the question. OP? Care to comment again? If you knew for a fact that the Domme in question didn't want her sub talking to other Dommes, would you continue the conversation? quote: Instead, she's come back several times to say that she'll talk to whomever it darn well pleases her. She comes across as disrespectful at best and a poacher at worst and I'm not the first person on this thread to hold that opinion. I think we read what she said in different ways. I thought she meant that she has friends of all orientations-so they are friends foremost and subs second. If that's what she meant (and I honestly think it was-OP?) then I totally agree with her-my inbox is a rainbow. Or at least it would be, if a rainbow only had red, pink, and two shades of blue in it... And I haven't seen any indication of poaching at all-she's repeatedly stated that she is not interested in the sub in a romantic way. I'm going to be honest and say that I think you guys are seeing bad in her because you're looking for it. I'm not normally the nauseatingly optimistic 'look for the good in every person' type (excuse me while I go puke in my handbag), and the fact that I'm reading her so differently to you makes me wonder which of us is right-either I'm being naive or you're being cynical, or the truth is somewhere in the middle.

LadyPact -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 6:49:55 PM)
Thadius, I actually never knew that the colored text was difficult for the quoting feature. While the comment made Me laugh, I'm probably not going to change it. While I wish it weren't an inconvenience, I've gotten rather to the point of using it to distinguish My posts from others. Lazy, perhaps, but I'm an old broad and I'm set in My ways. LOL. I think we got two completely different vibes from the OP. This could very well be the case since you know her in person and I certainly don't. The other difference that we have is that I actually did read the OP prior to the edit. I'm pretty sure that between the two is why we have the two different opinions. There's also the unclear use of the term "cheated on" that has to be addressed. In My definition of the term, "cheated on" without a qualifier (the 'emotional' part only came up later) means having sexual relations with someone other than a person's SO when they are in a monogamous relationship. While the OP certainly isn't eloquent in her writing, she should at least know the primary definition of a term when using it. Or, should I put her in the same boat as Bill Clinton? (Sorry, I couldn't pass that one up. [:D]) You very specifically state in your reply to Me that if conversations between you and others that if In fact if a conversation hits one of my boundaries I point them back to their owner, post haste. I really don't think that happened here. If it had, the OP would have never gotten to this point with her problem. She failed at doing that, if not from right out of the gate, then at least at some point during the six month time frame. I'm glad we agree on our positions on posting on these boards. (I think we might also agree that this is something of a pain in the ass without the multiple quotes. LOL) While I can say that I have respect for you, Thadius, I can't say that I have a ton for the OP. What we have here is someone with poor communication skills and poor definitions of boundaries. I'm not going to think much of any 'dominant' who supposedly lacks both. Perhaps, since she is a friend of yours, you may be able to teach her a bit in these areas. Where we absolutely don't agree is over this bull about how I sometimes wonder if the years of reading and responding to the ramblings of trolls haven't blinded us to the way we treat newer members of our community. She's not 'new' to the community. She is exactly one day short of being a member here for a year. In addition, she's obviously, having met you, out in the meatlife community to some extent. Which leads Me to conclude that she is very well aware of the fact that, guess what? Some people involved in wiitwd, (leather, gorean, whatever) do have higher protocols. Truthfully, I still don't think this is a kink issue. Take the word sub out of this and replace it with the term married man. How many wives approve of their husbands having conversations for months with some woman that they don't know? See how well that goes over. If the OP honestly doesn't have the common sense to know that at least some women wouldn't want that business going on at all, she really doesn't have a clue. (And, I'll bet some of the married and cheating types that frequent these boards would be thrilled to hear it.) I'm also going to comment on this bit. quote: One final note, I am actually surprised the question hasn't been asked. Why would Thadius come into this section and jump into a strange argument? Does that part really surprise you? Believe it or not, some of us here will welcome those who want to join in the conversation. We don't require that only those who identify as we do, be here. It's an open forum and a good number of the regulars here treat it that way. My best to you and your girl. Visit any time.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 7:07:55 PM)
~FR~ No time to read this whole thread, and Thadius was in on it!! Dagnabbit!! Hi, Thadius!!! As a person who knows Thadius and Spitfire by reputation as Local Folks, I can say that they are both fine straight-up people who I would certainly trust, so I can say that there is No Poachin happenin. IMO, when a person I am just yapping with on the internet drops the "I am cheating" bomb, I tell them good luck and move on. I don't know what his motivation may be, perhaps he is looking to expand his cheating horizons, but whatever, I want no part of it. If I find that a friend's sub is cheating--another story. My little circle and I are tight, and we are all friendly with each other, even if we are not friends in my tight definition of friendship. In that case, I would approach the CHEATER and tell them to straighten up. I am not a believer in the Magical Network of Dominants where all doms are right and high and all subs are lowly and do not have privacy. Interfering in someone else's relationship is NOT GOOD unless abuse or illegal shit is happening. Be a friend, be supportive, and stay out of it until invited.

Thadius -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 7:16:59 PM)
LP, No worries, I am very set in many of my ways as well. [;)] It only becomes an issue when trying to snip down a bunch of nested quotes, more of a wierd thing of having to make sure to include the closing commands. When the conversation hit her boundaries she came to ask for advice. I can understand that. If after talking to somebody on and off for 6 months the boundary suddenly gets hit, one would weigh their next move and possibly seek advice, especially in terms of what was being said. It definitely could have been worded better, but that is my personal understanding of the situation. As she stated in one of her posts she was purely seeking advice concerning the ethical nature of the situation, from those she thought may have had a similar experience. The comment I made about trolls, was more about how jaded many of us have become over the years of reading the drama loving, attention seeking threads, and now whenever we see a thread that looks like it is headed in that direction we automaticly set the phazers to kill. Know what I mean? Heck, even VC an impartial reader saw it in a different light. She is fairly new to posting around here. In the spirit of your last hypothetical. How many spouses go to work and discuss things with their coworkers of the opposite sex and don't even think about it being something their spouse may or may not approve of. How many of those same folks tell their spouses about what they were sharing with their coworkers? Further, what should the coworker do once their personal boundaries are crossed or they hear that confession that they didn't want to know anything about in the first place? Do you not think it would be normal for a coworker to weigh whether or not to tell the spouse of something like this? I believe you to be fair minded and pretty open, and that is why I am even spending the time over here discussing such with you. Perhaps, her writing rubbed you the wrong way, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am simply stating that which I know of the woman, her character, and what I know of the situation via talking face to face with her. As always, Thadius

LadyPact -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 7:37:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious Trying to trim stuff down so the mods don't get cross with me :-) Same here. Expect Me to fail miserably. I just can't do another open letter kind of response. I don't have it in Me. [:D] quote: So you're completely discounting the notion that talking with an outside observer could help? Not everyone is eloquent, LP. Not everyone is good at expressing their emotions, or opening up. Sometimes they need help working out what to say, or how to say it, or even working out exactly what it is that's bothering them-and it might be good to do that before they talk to their partner, no? No, I'm not discounting it. What I'm saying here is that I'm not subscribing to 'the only friend in the world' theory. I'm suggesting that whoever the male is in the story probably has either male friends or someone that he knows in real life or somebody that he's known on a better basis than someone he's talked with for six months on the internet. quote: I'm still not seeing that boundaries have been crossed, here. He's told her that he's unhappy in his relationship and his dynamic. He's told her that he's cheated. He hasn't necessarily included any gory details-in fact the OP is adamant that he hasn't. And I really don't think that we're in a position to know whether conditions x, y, z were in place-we just don't have enough information about the Domme and sub in question. Here's the funny thing about that. Neither does the OP. I don't think that the OP ever talked to the Domme at all. She doesn't know anything except what the male has told her. She doesn't know them in real life to verify anything. quote: Maybe it's because I come from a sexually fluid background, but it's never even occcurred to me that the gender of the person I was talking to would make a difference! My male friends definitely know more about my sex life than my female friends (mostly because they can be trusted not to blab...) To some non gender fluid people, I can promise you that it makes a difference. At the risk of repeating Myself, that's not just a kink thing. I've known a number of non kinky women over the years that you go through them to speak to the husband. quote: Where I come from, 'airing your dirty laundry in public' is shouting it out in front of a room full of people-not confiding in someone, as the sub in this situation has done. It's taking your laundry (relationship) anywhere it shouldn't be. quote: I completely agree with this. But it's very easy to say that someone is in the wrong relationship-actually fixing the problems, or extricating (generic) yourself from the situation is much much harder and more complicated. In this case, it's not. How often do we say that block and delete are your friends? quote: Are you absolutely sure of that? Thadius said it himself-she's not the most eloquent of people. OP? Care to comment? Did you advise the sub to discuss his feelings with his Domme? I'm leaving that one for the OP. quote: Oh, come on, LP-all we've got to judge him on is the OP's assertions, and the knowledge that he cheated once in an unhappy relationship he doesn't know how to fix. Not much to go on. There's even less than that, since the OP changed the 'cheated on' to some other version/definition of cheating. I don't even want to know how that determination was made. quote: She hasn't said that she wouldn't, either. Nobody has asked her the question. OP? Care to comment again? If you knew for a fact that the Domme in question didn't want her sub talking to other Dommes, would you continue the conversation? I'm leaving that one alone, too, though I'm inclined to think that the OP may have a new policy in these situations. I think she learned from the mistake and may have a new way of dealing with it should a new, similar situation come up. quote: I think we read what she said in different ways. I thought she meant that she has friends of all orientations-so they are friends foremost and subs second. If that's what she meant (and I honestly think it was-OP?) then I totally agree with her-my inbox is a rainbow. Or at least it would be, if a rainbow only had red, pink, and two shades of blue in it... And you wonder why people call you cute? LOL. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. While I consider all of My friends to be friends, too, I can absolutely tell you which ones of them are married or not. Sometimes, if there's a new relationship that comes up, they do literally have to tell Me. (I've missed it on more than one occasion.) But that does move them to the 'involved' pile. quote: And I haven't seen any indication of poaching at all-she's repeatedly stated that she is not interested in the sub in a romantic way. I'm going to be honest and say that I think you guys are seeing bad in her because you're looking for it. I'm not normally the nauseatingly optimistic 'look for the good in every person' type (excuse me while I go puke in my handbag), and the fact that I'm reading her so differently to you makes me wonder which of us is right-either I'm being naive or you're being cynical, or the truth is somewhere in the middle. I'm voting for the middle. The piece we're missing (and maybe the OP is as well) is the motivation of the male. We won't ever know the straight story on that one.

Andalusite -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 7:49:54 PM)
My Master doesn't have any interest in screening my conversations with people of any D/s orientation, here, or in person at events we attend. I frequently mention threads I post or participate in here, and I got his permission ahead of time to talk with anyone I wish. [:D] If anyone hits on me, or sends me random "Hi, I want to be your friend" e-mails without well talking, I am suspicious and delete. I pretty much only talk with people here about forum threads, or follow up with people I've developed a friendship with (almost all of them are women, most of them are in relationships, some are Domme, some are switch, some are submissive, and I'm not interested in any of them in a romantic or D/s kind of way). I also talked with people back around Folsom, trying to connect with the meetups which were taking place. My Master, my submissive playpartner and I got to hang out with a few people from the forum for a bit there. [:D] If a man tried to get into sexual conversation with me, about his sex life or mine, I would tell him right away that I felt uncomfortable and that he was being inappropriate. If he didn't immediately stop, I would block/delete. I think there'd be a little more leeway in talking with another woman, but if she were trying to get me to describe a lot of details of my sex life, I'd be very leery of her. One woman (or at least someone who claimed to be) said a couple of things that I felt were out of line, though not directly sexual, on the 4th or 5th e-mail, so I discontinued contact with her. My Master trusts my judgement, and really doesn't want to be bothered with the details unless it's something specifically interesting, or that brings up something I want to talk with him about. It does sound like the OP may have crossed the boundary, or may have been taken by surprise when things went there. It's hard to tell from the OP, but I would tend to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially since Hib knows her and says she's a good person, . [:D]

LadyPact -> RE: his secret.. (3/24/2010 8:25:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Thadius LP, No worries, I am very set in many of my ways as well. [;)] It only becomes an issue when trying to snip down a bunch of nested quotes, more of a wierd thing of having to make sure to include the closing commands. Thadius, yes, I'm starting to wonder which is the best approach as well. (The trimming part.) I don't want to only select part of what's being said because I don't wish to take anything out of context. quote: When the conversation hit her boundaries she came to ask for advice. I can understand that. If after talking to somebody on and off for 6 months the boundary suddenly gets hit, one would weigh their next move and possibly seek advice, especially in terms of what was being said. It definitely could have been worded better, but that is my personal understanding of the situation. As she stated in one of her posts she was purely seeking advice concerning the ethical nature of the situation, from those she thought may have had a similar experience. We agree on the worded better part. Being a good writer yourself, you may be able to help her with that part. One thing I will say in favor of many folks who identify as Gorean. Most that I encounter tend to have a fantastic vocabulary and many are excellent in expressing themselves. (That is supposed to be a compliment, so I hope you'll take it as one.) quote: The comment I made about trolls, was more about how jaded many of us have become over the years of reading the drama loving, attention seeking threads, and now whenever we see a thread that looks like it is headed in that direction we automaticly set the phazers to kill. Know what I mean? Heck, even VC an impartial reader saw it in a different light. She is fairly new to posting around here. I won't discount the possibility. quote: In the spirit of your last hypothetical. How many spouses go to work and discuss things with their coworkers of the opposite sex and don't even think about it being something their spouse may or may not approve of. How many of those same folks tell their spouses about what they were sharing with their coworkers? Further, what should the coworker do once their personal boundaries are crossed or they hear that confession that they didn't want to know anything about in the first place? Do you not think it would be normal for a coworker to weigh whether or not to tell the spouse of something like this? Two points on this. The first is, never ask anyone who's ever worked in an HR related field these kinds of things. LOL. We'll tell you very long, boring stories about how the two most evil words that ever cross our desks in the workplace are sexual harrassment AND some of the stupidest shit (sorry, but the term fits) that people can come up with related to it. The second is, and I say this on many occasions, I can't account for the behaviors of others. As a married woman with a very open policy with My husband, I do tell him such things. However, I know that not everyone has the kind of marriage that we do. quote: I believe you to be fair minded and pretty open, and that is why I am even spending the time over here discussing such with you. Perhaps, her writing rubbed you the wrong way, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am simply stating that which I know of the woman, her character, and what I know of the situation via talking face to face with her. As always, Thadius I appreciate that. I know there's been a lot of time (and trimming [;)]) that's gone into this thread. While I wouldn't want to discourage folks from starting threads here, I do wonder a bit, since the OP has a resource for people with vastly more experience than she does, why she didn't turn to you or LadyH (quick side note to her - hi, is it April 15th yet?) or another member/group of the community. I'm sure after all of this, that is one area of My curiosity that can be left alone. Best wishes to you, Thadius, and to your house. LP

Vendaval -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 12:04:26 AM)
I think that the pros and cons are about 50/50 here. The most important concern being the possible STI transmission. What are your instincts telling you about the situation?

Amanece -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 3:18:10 AM)
I think many people say things here which they wouldn`t any other way. I believe that one could share in a forum or with individual participants and not expect it to turn into an intrusion in their life. I had this happen to me twice,in one case, I was dubious about my relationship, and most people advised my special someone, letting him know, leading the breaking up and helped noone, still hurts. In the other case, my special someone, another one, played in an activity with someone there, I had not gone. Many of the web came to tell me and of course it brought its consequences but I still wonder how would he have acted if noone had told me, as we also lead our relationship in a code of honor..I think people solve their situations when it is time to, but sometimes they need to talk about it, give it time, go to extremes in their relating . I am for giving people their space for action, I might help if it is asked, with their decision and if the person is not to my standards for what he is saying to me then I dropped the chats but not interfere. For me it is a matter of honor, or I might tell the person,:" do not confide in me what could hurt a Mistress as I feel a loyalty to Ds and I might tell her. " But not after the fact. It also has to do with why people talk to each other, in itself a code of honor.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 3:28:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact No, I'm not discounting it. What I'm saying here is that I'm not subscribing to 'the only friend in the world' theory. I'm suggesting that whoever the male is in the story probably has either male friends or someone that he knows in real life or somebody that he's known on a better basis than someone he's talked with for six months on the internet. Maybe. But maybe the OP is a particularly good listener. Maybe she has experience relevant to his situation. Maybe all his friends are also friends of his wife and he wanted to talk to someone is confidence who wouldn't automatically go running to her. Hell, maybe he was typing under the influence one night and just blurted it out-stupid but not worth committing hara-kiri for, surely? I can think of a few valid-ish reasons, and I think that unless the OP comes back and wants to give us more information I don't feel like we can condemn him. quote: Here's the funny thing about that. Neither does the OP. I don't think that the OP ever talked to the Domme at all. She doesn't know anything except what the male has told her. She doesn't know them in real life to verify anything. Ok, so here's the thing. I haven't spoken to the owners of the majority of owned subs I chat to on here. Demanding to get permission from their Dom/me when they haven't said that I need it is akin to accusing them of lying by omission (or even lying outright, if they have told me they have permission to talk to whomever they want)-and I refuse to treat the majority of people like liars just because a minority lie. quote: To some non gender fluid people, I can promise you that it makes a difference. At the risk of repeating Myself, that's not just a kink thing. I've known a number of non kinky women over the years that you go through them to speak to the husband. But in a non-kinky setting, that sounds to me like insecurity-why would you have to go through the wife if she trusted the husband? Maybe I'm just less small-c conservative than you, which is why we're disagreeing. quote: It's taking your laundry (relationship) anywhere it shouldn't be. I don't want to get bogged down in cross-Atlantic idiom translation :-P quote: quote: But it's very easy to say that someone is in the wrong relationship-actually fixing the problems, or extricating (generic) yourself from the situation is much much harder and more complicated. In this case, it's not. How often do we say that block and delete are your friends? I was talking about the relationship between the Domme and the sub, not the sub and the OP-it's all very well to say he's in the wrong relationship if he feels he has to talk to the OP rather than his wife, but it may be much harder for him to actually fix the problem. quote: quote: Oh, come on, LP-all we've got to judge him on is the OP's assertions, and the knowledge that he cheated once in an unhappy relationship he doesn't know how to fix. Not much to go on. There's even less than that, since the OP changed the 'cheated on' to some other version/definition of cheating. I don't even want to know how that determination was made. So then maybe we need to stop casting aspersions on his motives? We've got nowhere near enough information. quote: ]I'm leaving that one alone, too, though I'm inclined to think that the OP may have a new policy in these situations. I think she learned from the mistake and may have a new way of dealing with it should a new, similar situation come up. Fingers crossed. quote: And you wonder why people call you cute? LOL. Don't you start! [8D][8D] quote: Different strokes for different folks, I guess. While I consider all of My friends to be friends, too, I can absolutely tell you which ones of them are married or not. Sometimes, if there's a new relationship that comes up, they do literally have to tell Me. (I've missed it on more than one occasion.) But that does move them to the 'involved' pile. I know exactly who is and isn't involved in my circle of friends. I can't say that my interaction with them changes all that much, whether they are single or taken-I naturally gently flirt with everybody (including any new partners), so nobody takes it personally, or sees me as a threat. So there's no 'involved' pile-they are just my friends, and they will continue to be my friends. quote: I'm voting for the middle. The piece we're missing (and maybe the OP is as well) is the motivation of the male. We won't ever know the straight story on that one. Agreed.

GraciousLady -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 5:31:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Vendaval I think that the pros and cons are about 50/50 here. The most important concern being the possible STI transmission. What are your instincts telling you about the situation? In this day with STD's being a vastly more dangerous affair than they were in the past I can see how this statement is true. But, considering the scenerio presented by the OP is totaly internet based, has no basis in rl or verifiable fact and has some other suspect facets to it I don't believe getting involved is a good idea. The relationship between the OP and the male sub is odd and I suspect he is not being 100% truthful with her for whatever reason. I have even considered he has no real Mistress and is just playing here.

cloudboy -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 8:33:59 AM)
quote: In which way ? My question was clear enough. Is chatting to someone else sub for six months, without her knowing ethical. If you have another agenda with me why not grow up and just say it. A while back in the "objectification of Dominant Women" you noted the irony of LA's avatar. That fine observation back then compared well with this one. Each was an example of the party being connected to the problem that upsets them.

GoddessSpitfire -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 8:41:48 AM)
OP? Care to comment? Did you advise the sub to discuss his feelings with his Domme? Of course I did, I cant fix their problems for them OP? Care to comment again? If you knew for a fact that the Domme in question didn't want her sub talking to other Dommes, would you continue the conversation? Hell no I wouldnt, like I said before I am not here to step on anyones toes just here to make friends.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: his secret.. (3/25/2010 8:45:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessSpitfire OP? Care to comment? Did you advise the sub to discuss his feelings with his Domme? Of course I did, I cant fix their problems for them OP? Care to comment again? If you knew for a fact that the Domme in question didn't want her sub talking to other Dommes, would you continue the conversation? Hell no I wouldnt, like I said before I am not here to step on anyones toes just here to make friends. That's what I thought ;-) Thanks for coming back. Edited 'cause I can't spell.

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