WyldHrt
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Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:
Raven,
You should also add 'impossible'. Long term, people don't change their nature. They change their identity, however it's commonly done to serve an agenda which aligns with their nature. Issues come up when people don't accept their 'natural' self or try to deny it. Ideally in a relationship you have a partner who not only is compatible with you; but is self aware, confident, and interacting within the relationship in a way that doesn't conflict with their nature and personality. You shouldn't try or want to change a person. You should want to enhance who they are and have them secure in going deeper to fulfill themselves with you as their partner.
beth had no hope in changing me; she had to "get used" to me. I personify; "you only hurt the one you love", and sometimes, as beth would say; "not in a "good way." Living the first 46 years of your life in or around NYC develops a sense of humor with a sarcastic tinge to it which requires a bit of time to appreciate. Add in a sadistic streak and when we first starting going out together, I used to make beth cry as often from one of my 'humorously intended' comments as I did from any of the 'toys' I used on her. Now it rarely happens. Did I change? No - if anything I've gotten worse; but she knows my nature now and laughs with me. Giving me the opportunity to use; I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? I've been a bad influence. Over time, she has developed her own Santa Maria style of sarcasm; and uses it with me and others, much to their surprise. I'm very proud of her!
Then there are "those days", or those occurrences; when you or your partner, for reasons out of their control, or in their nature, that you have to be prepared for and be prepared to handle one way or another.
For instance - I KNOW I'm going to be an 'asshole' when...
I'm checking in at an airport, especially when dealing with the Mensa members working for the TSA.
Checkout a grocery stores.
Paying at any retail chain.
Waiting in any line.
Dealing with phone 'help centers'.
Adding any program to my computer.
Among others...
Knowing this is my 'nature'; beth does her best to do those things for me. she also knows that when she can't do them for me; as is the case with airport security, she tries to defuse the situation. I appreciate her effort. No less should be expected from me. I don't see that as changing her, or her trying to change me. I see it as knowing she's not herself (VERY rare occurrence BTW compared to me!) and pointing it out to her.
It's not one sided, or reactionary. It's a naked partnership where each partner, not only should but, must remind the other, subtilly or with a 2x4, to be true to their nature, and point out when they aren't. Hell, I go even further. After a bad day at work, a bad conversation with another family member, or just waking up 'locked & loaded in the pissed off position'; I announce to beth that my mood isn't about her. Relieved, it usually takes her one or two of her patended breast flashes to get me out of it.
The process is stabilizing. The foundation that was there when the relationship was formed is still be there, perhaps buried under a pile of 'bullshit'. At least one of the partners has to be willing to remove it. There is no risk involved if, as the dominant, you 'submit' to removing it. There is no dominance involved if you, as a submissive, take charge in removing it. At least there isn't if both partners keep in mind, and work from the perspective that you are both 'slaves' serving the relationship which is fulfilling and enjoyable to each of you.
I haven't lost my identity being partnered with beth - I confirmed it; if anything, I enhanced it. I'm confident she would represent the same.
This... all of it. Oh, and I can confirm that beth has learned some seriously "bad" habits from Merc. Her "Santa Maria style of sarcasm" is awesome, and one of the things I love about her... another is her "style of Santa Maria BBQ", but that's another thread!
I can only speak for myself, but those who know me will most likely confirm that I am a dyed in the wool, inveterate smartass (shup, Merc ). I love puns, wordplay, and verbal humour in general. A dom who wanted to snuff out that part of me simply wouldn't be a match, because the frustration involved in trying to supress something so integral to who I am would poison the relationship sooner or later. Call me a "bad sub" if you like, but making myself miserable in order to make him happy just wouldn't work. I've taken that road and stayed on it for far too long. It ended.... badly.
That said, I can and do control my mouth when it is called for. I'm fairly sensitive, and can tell when I'm hitting someone's limits or pushing their buttons. In the case of a dom, I'm pretty well versed in recognizing "the Look", and pulling myself up before I get in too much trouble, lol. As Roch noted, some Dom/mes will appreciate a biting sense of humour, as long as it isn't directed at them. Others will take your puns/ jokes/ wordplay and turn it back on you instead of getting butthurt (these are the Ds that interest me). It really depends on the person.
Were I in your position, Pots, I would ask for clarification. If he wants you to be more mindful of what you say and how it is being received, he may well have a point. If he's stomping the domly dom boot and demanding that you bury who you are to become something that is much less.... not so much.
< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 3/26/2010 12:29:03 AM >
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RE: What would you do............. - 
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i really appreciate your thoughts about how both parties "serve" the relationship, and it is very much in line with what i was trying to say, only better. 
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