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RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:22:25 PM

HisSweetElysium

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Joined: 11/12/2009
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Astute observations Orpheus, you may be right about the getting out there. I don't suggest she start dating again, but I do think it's important to connect socially with others. With the prospect of her moving again out on the table, I would think if she felt she had a social network, perhaps that might be less appealing. I don't want her to uproot her or her life again, or her kid if it can be helped. She was taking those steps before all this happened, she joined a triathalon training group, goes to the gym, things like that, and has attended kink events in our city by herself, or with me.

I will consider it strongly though, you are right to say if this proves to be the demise of this relationship, she would be very vulnerable for another predatory person to come along.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)

Post #: 21

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:35:30 PM

domiguy

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There are two sides to every story.

Let's recap what we really know for sure. She hastily uprooted her family to pursue some dude. It didn't work out. Not her fault.

She crashed her car. Again, probably not her fault.

She got evicted from her place. Not her fault.

The new Dom might be incredibly fortunate not to be around someone so unlucky. Or maybe he is a better judge of character than people are giving him credit for.

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Post #: 22

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:38:29 PM

HisSweetElysium

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meanie. :P

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“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

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Post #: 23

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:41:59 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
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The wind up and the Pitch,

domi swings, makes contact and it's heading down the base line. Foul? Will it be a Foul?

No It's Good Home run for domi.

I hate it when what you say makes sense because man most of the time I just laugh and think you're being an ass.

Then you say something like this and well you have to look at certain things in a different light and there is really no reason NOT to believe that the guy thinks he may have taken on a lemon.

My original post still stands I have not changed my mind but seriously what domi said should not be waved off as easily as the ass pounding gash stretching over bravado of an man who questions his sexuality more than he would like to admit but still listen to the domidom.

QSM

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Post #: 24

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:43:44 PM

sweetboundesire

Posts: 285
Joined: 10/29/2009
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thunderclouds are forming in the sky...

what you write & the weather bring to mind the song...

thunder only happens when it's raining
players only love you when their playing

It's a tough lesson. I think distance between people creates a disconnect. Women especially can fill in the blanks all to well with a good imagination. When reality become real...damn, that is one hard lesson. Everyone makes mistakes. This one was sure a whopper. Being a friend is all you can do. Good girlfriends are gods gift to women. Be a friend in need, she will not forget.

_____________________________

and every broken line seems to have a particular design~
and the universe can only expand.
gotta pocket full of dreams and cash in my hand.
and i know, money ain't real...

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Post #: 25

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:47:15 PM

OrpheusAgonistes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

There are two sides to every story.

Let's recap what we really know for sure. She hastily uprooted her family to pursue some dude. It didn't work out. Not her fault.

She crashed her car. Again, probably not her fault.

She got evicted from her place. Not her fault.

The new Dom might be incredibly fortunate not to be around someone so unlucky. Or maybe he is a better judge of character than people are giving him credit for.

Possible. My instinctive reading is more of a schlemiel/schlamazel dynamic where she's like "Hey should I get really wasted and go drive on icy roads?" and he's like "Sounds good! But only if you take my brand new car that I haven't gotten around to insuring yet!" I don't really care who is morally culpable, I'm willing to stipulate that, like Dusty Baker and talented young pitching staffs, it's in both their interests to stay a long fucking way from each other.

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What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

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Post #: 26

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 5:55:18 PM

domiguy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

My original post still stands I have not changed my mind but seriously what domi said should not be waved off as easily as the ass pounding gash stretching over bravado of an man who questions his sexuality more than he would like to admit but still listen to the domidom.

QSM[/font]

if only there was a way to incorporate some ass pounding gash stretching rhetoric into my post, my Monday would have been truly complete.

Alas, sometimes on that rare occasion less is truly more.

But then again, it is only 7:55 pm and there is a ton of women in the Chi that just might be up for a romantic evening chocked full of some scrumptious ass and gash pounding and stretching.

hollah!!!

< Message edited by domiguy -- 4/5/2010 6:18:41 PM >

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Post #: 27

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 6:49:37 PM

Andalusite

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From your OP, it sounds like she's still trying to get back together with him, even though he's made it clear he doesn't care how she feels, and doesn't want a relationship with her anymore. If she's determined to chase after him, there's nothing you can do for her, and yelling at him certainly won't turn him into a mature or responsible or honest man.

So, there's a lot going on with her. Since she got her own place and has separate finances, I assume she already got a job in your area. Did the accident hurt her enough that she can't work, or is that still stable? I don't understand how they would get evicted several months down the road but be told now, or is she locked into a lease, but has been told that they will not renew it? Is moving back to her former location an option? If her son is really out of control, can he move back in with his dad until she has a more stable living environment for him? If she still has a job, and is still locked into the lease, then I think that staying until she finds housing and a job elsewhere is in her best interest.

Certainly making more local friends is good, and the gym and other things you've mentioned sound like a good start. I don't think parties are a great idea right now, especially if her ex will be there, until she gets things sorted out a bit emotionally. If you and your Master and maybe some other vanilla friends can hang out together and go do things that include her son while he's there, that would probably be a real help to her.

I agree with the people who said that there's a huge difference between monogamous with room for play and poly. My Master and I have a playpartner, but if he unilaterally decided to go behind my back to find a girlfriend, and didn't tell me, that would be cheating, not poly, and not within our agreement.

Since she didn't move in with him or combine finances, I don't think 9 months plus however long she knew him beforehand is necessarily too short - some people move purely for job or other reasons, too. It can be difficult to start over in a new place, though.

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)

Post #: 28

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:01:19 PM

HisSweetElysium

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

From your OP, it sounds like she's still trying to get back together with him, even though he's made it clear he doesn't care how she feels, and doesn't want a relationship with her anymore. If she's determined to chase after him, there's nothing you can do for her, and yelling at him certainly won't turn him into a mature or responsible or honest man.

So, there's a lot going on with her. Since she got her own place and has separate finances, I assume she already got a job in your area. Did the accident hurt her enough that she can't work, or is that still stable? I don't understand how they would get evicted several months down the road but be told now, or is she locked into a lease, but has been told that they will not renew it? Is moving back to her former location an option? If her son is really out of control, can he move back in with his dad until she has a more stable living environment for him? If she still has a job, and is still locked into the lease, then I think that staying until she finds housing and a job elsewhere is in her best interest.

Certainly making more local friends is good, and the gym and other things you've mentioned sound like a good start. I don't think parties are a great idea right now, especially if her ex will be there, until she gets things sorted out a bit emotionally. If you and your Master and maybe some other vanilla friends can hang out together and go do things that include her son while he's there, that would probably be a real help to her.

I agree with the people who said that there's a huge difference between monogamous with room for play and poly. My Master and I have a playpartner, but if he unilaterally decided to go behind my back to find a girlfriend, and didn't tell me, that would be cheating, not poly, and not within our agreement.

Since she didn't move in with him or combine finances, I don't think 9 months plus however long she knew him beforehand is necessarily too short - some people move purely for job or other reasons, too. It can be difficult to start over in a new place, though.

Thanks for writing Andalusite, I always appreciate hearing from you. He's actually the one telling her not to close the door, and that they're not over, but for now, until the hurt is past (for him, I guess) they're just friends. Basically, my take is he's going to go do whatever the hell he wants, not deal with her at ALL, and then keep her waiting around until if/when he decides to start sleeping with her again. And as a friend, I'm going to do all I can to encourage her to see she deserves better than that, and he is a tool.

She is, luckily one of those enviable people with amazing credentials in a field she can find work in wherever she goes. She got a job within a month of moving here. Her lease was month to month, and due to some circumstances involving her son, the landlords, who live on the premises, opted not to renew. She was out of work for a week after the accident, and totalled her car. Incidentally, the accident happened in a rain storm on a highway in MA when she was rushing at this man's request to drive one of his girlfriends to the airport for him. The accident was not her fault, and insurance deemed that to be true.

I see her at least once a week, for anywhere from 4-6 hours, and talk to her via email or text every day. I have had her over to visit with my friends at dinner parties several times, and Master and I have taken her out to dinner as well. It's really all I can do, and even that takes a toll (hence I have to come on CM and vent, LOL) so I try to respect myself and my needs too. She is trying though, and I give her credit for that, many people would just give up, but she does make an effort, so I want to help her too.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 29

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:11:41 PM

kallisto

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Sounds to me like she has a great friend in you. If nothing else, you are there supporting her and sometimes that is the best thing a person can have .. support. And by her making an effort, with the support and guidance from friends such as you (in the right direction, I might add), she will get back on her feet. By the right direction I mean, taking care of her and her son. Becoming stronger in her mind of the life she wants. Sometimes no matter what we do, with the best intentions at heart, things still go awry.

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 30

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:11:49 PM

Andalusite

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In her position, we would *NOT* be friends. I wouldn't trust him, since he was lying and cheating and sneaking around. She didn't do anything wrong to hurt him, he just didn't want to deal with *her* having any actual feelings instead of being a blow-up doll.

I can really see that you're trying to be a good friend to her, and obviously, she's had a string of misfortunes - some she contributed to, some that were beyond her control. Some people can be very draining to be around even with *minor* problems, others can be very uplifting even when they need help. It sounds like you've set a good balance, but if she's still in love with him, still trying to make things work with him, there's nothing you can do to change her mind.

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 31

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:14:44 PM

HisSweetElysium

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it's true, trust me, I've had times when the universe was bashing me on the head forwards backwards and sideways to tell me I was on the wrong path.

All I can do is remind her she's a good person and her needs are real, no matter what he says.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 32

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:15:43 PM

HisSweetElysium

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frustrating, and extremely true, as I was just saying to Andalusite, sometimes life has a funny way of bashing you upside the head repeatedly until you realize you're messing up....

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“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

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Post #: 33

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 7:51:33 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Your friend had several red flags. The first was her being asked to move to him after such a short period of time. The second was buying into his "toys", as was noted here previously, not asking questions about the "toys" (which I find a rather debasing euphemism for "multiple play partners". Makes me wonder, if he had called them what they are, if she would have accepted the terms. Doesnt "Toy" sound so much less threatening than "multiple play partners"?) The third mistake - and the biggest red flag - was his rejection of her once she got here, and yes, that is what it was, what she or you says was not taking any emotional responsibility for her.

She ignored these red flags. I could wax psychological and point out that people who ignore red flags have early childhood training in ignoring danger, probably because they have to live with it, but the main point was that her focus seemed to be BDSM, and like many pointed out here, in one way or another, interest in BDSM alone does not make a relationship.

She should stop trying to make it work. It never worked. Continuing to try to make it work is to further ignore the red flags. Tell her gently to find a kink friendly therapist.

< Message edited by Firebirdseeking -- 4/5/2010 8:01:38 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 8:44:37 PM

HisSweetElysium

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oh and she definitely sees them now, for sure. I do think talking to someone other than me would be a good advice. Her two degrees are in psych, and I'm in grad school for the same, but we're both too invested in the situation to really be the objective person she needs. Excellent advice, thank you.

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

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Post #: 35

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/5/2010 10:37:19 PM

QuirkyAnne

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I have no advice, besides the best that I could give has already been offered by others. Instead, I'll throw in my two cents.

This guys is a complete DOUCHE WEASEL. He's not a Dom, hell, he's not even a swinger because responsible swingers are up front about their needs and desires and will explain them to a person clearly and, in my experience SEVERAL times, just so that they can be assured that the person they're about to get involved with in any way knows exactly what kind of person they're about to be with.

She needs to try to take a few months off, and STOP trying to make up with this guy. He's not the kind of man that she or any woman would or should WANT to make up with. After the heartbreak begins to subside, tell her to get back into the lifestyle slowly. Start going to munches, maybe attend a play party with you and your master as a friend so that she can start meeting good, responsible and caring Doms. You're obviously a very good friend to her and if she wants to pursue this lifestyle, being her 'wingman' when she's ready to start looking again will be much better than her getting out on the internet and searching on her own again.

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Post #: 36

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/6/2010 2:48:10 AM

DomImus

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People go to Vegas to win. I'll wager (pun intended) that few go there intending to lose. They know the odds. Vegas wouldn't exist if people won even most of the time.

There's really not much to say here. She took a risk and rolled the dice and it came up snake eyes. It's sad that she packed up her life and moved that far to lose. People lose every day in that manner right in their own back yard. Call it one of life's costly lessons.

"Personally I feel that at the heart of BDSM and human relationships is communication and trust."

No, communication and trust (and honor and integrity) are at the heart of good relationships, kinky or otherwise. Lots of not so good relationships lack these criteria as your friend found out. The guy saw an easy mark and took advantage of her.

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Post #: 37

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/6/2010 4:42:10 AM

DesFIP

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What did she expect would happen when a 16 year old boy was summarily pulled away from his father and his friends and support system in order to watch his mother chase after some asshole? Of course he made bad decisions. The boy ought to be allowed to return home to live with his father.

As far as her agreeing to risk her child being motherless by choosing to drive one of the 'toys' to the airport in bad weather? Another sign of her not thinking with her head, but with her clit.

She's made bad decisions from the beginning. No problem as long as it just involved her. But she's causing a child at a difficult age huge amounts of angst and that's unforgivable.

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Post #: 38

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/6/2010 5:36:50 AM

Firebirdseeking

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I wasn't going to say more but I felt sort of compelled. Yes, she made bad decisions. Excuse me, has anyone here NOT made bad decisions, and in relationships? Yes, she involved her son. In my work, I see this all the time. It's because people, in this case the OP's friend, was probably lonely and a bit desperate. She saw something, someone, and wanted to believe him, and wanted to believe it could work.

My point is that she ignored the red flags, and it sounded to me like she was still trying to make something work that was clearly wrong for her. That is a huge error, but haven't we all been there too?

Sometimes the condemnations on the boards really gets to me.

OP, I am a practicing therapist, 30 years of practice. Having a degree in Psych does not mean one is always capable of solving one's own problems, or having the ability to get free of a bad situation. In fact, I suspect there are a large number of us who arrived at our chosen field BECAUSE of inner issues that drive up to delve into the human mind and spirit, which is amazingly and beautifully resistant.

I think that sometimes being a friend means that you speak your mind. As I learned a long time ago from my first clinical supervisor, sometimes support goes something like this: "Why are you doing this to yourself? Its really hard for me to see you hurt yourself this way". There is nothing wrong, in my mind, of speaking honestly with a friend that you are concerned about a decision she is about to make.

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Post #: 39

RE: Being a good friend-Rant enclosed - 4/6/2010 5:41:03 AM

Elisabella

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quote:

Your friend had several red flags. The first was her being asked to move to him after such a short period of time.

For most people, a LDR doesn't work. You either move to be with each other, or you break up.

She waited 9 months. I waited less than 9 weeks to come to Australia to see if I could make things work with my now-husband. To me the bigger red flag would be if he had said "No, stay where you are, we can be fine from a distance."

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 40

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