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Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 4:40:23 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline 		Clearly, I don't mean "afraid to close your eyes, constantly designing escape routes and devising crude ways to barricade yourself inside a room, sleeping with a gun under your pillow" levels of fear.  But does it tweak you to find that, every now and then, you're a little afraid of your partner?

This has always felt like one of those hot button issues that absolutely divides people into camps.  Some people literally can't conceive of the attraction and tend to think "God no.  That sounds dangerous and abusive and totally horrifying."  Others seem just as sold on the other side "Yeah.  That's a no-brainer.  If there's not a little bit of primal terror, where's the thrill?  Besides, if you're not a little afraid of someone, how can you feel like they're going to be able to protect you?"  So I'm always interested to see where people come down on this.

My own answer is probably predictable.  Fear is hot.  Uncertainty is sexy.  Once I like someone and trust them at a very basic level (about core values and whatnot) then the knowledge that they might, at any time, do something within the (fairly broad) limits of our relationship that might make me suffer through something I really don't want to suffer is exhilarating.


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What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein
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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:03:22 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Fear is hot. 


This is why mind fucks are hot.

It is funny as I was having this conversation with someone recently. He said I scared him and I laughed and said to him "Do I scare you in a thrilling way or really scare you" and he laughed and said "thrilling as in I have no idea what kind of evil thing you might be up to and I find it hot kind of way".

Great question. I look forward to reading the responses.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:04:43 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I get what you mean and I've always thought what's lacking is a suitable lifestyle word for "fear".

D/s is is control oriented with the sub deferring to the dom's will. This brings in such dynamics as punishment, discipline, rules, obedience and respect for authority etc. Which can be interpretted as "fear", absolutely....

When I'm actively dominating my girl; giving instruction etc, of course I want her focused, vulnerable and conscious of exactly who's boss around here. This is what's *hot* to me. This is why when I'm giving instruction, she'll often be standing butt naked with hands behind while I'm fully clothed.... But do I want her to be in genuine fear for her safety and well-being (a disciplinary nipple tweak or pube lift doesn't count) - absolutely NOT.

We need a better word....

Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:11:59 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i need to be a little bit afraid of my Owner. And yes, perhaps fear isn't the right word, but it's the closest one.

It isn't that i'm afraid of "mind fucks" - it's his power over me. i need to feel his power, and it's thrilling, and scary, and wonderful, all at the same time. A bit like a roller coaster, really.

So yes, put me in the "i need fear" group.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:24:41 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I prefer to think of it as a "healthy respect"

It's a bit like when I go diving...I don't fear sharks but I definitly have a healthy respect for them and love the adrenyline rush I get when they're in the vicinity...

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I have an explosive personality...


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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:31:45 PM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline 		Perhapse "Terror" fits. but I would agree that a /s would have to have some sort of terror of punishment to help encourage compliance.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:35:38 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Thrilling is the best word i can think of to describe it, actually - scary, and wonderful, at the same time.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:37:38 PM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline 		Definitely a difficult one to label.  Terror play or thrill play.. it is definitly a concept that needs a pigeon hole.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:37:39 PM   
femasoslave


Posts: 472
Joined: 5/24/2009
Status: offline 		I don't want to be afraid of my Master on any level, i can see where others may want to be frightened of things that their Master may do, but that is a different matter than actually being frightened of ones Master. 
Also, i don't think one can trust their Master explicitly if they are frightened of him or her at all and i think that trust is paramount over everything. 

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:41:07 PM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline 		I would agree. for someone to fear for their safety is not a good thing in anyones books, but there are those little fears that serve to heighten sensations and add an element to things be it through mind fucks or other methods.

The trust is there but a little uncertainty i can see being a powerfull stimulus.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 5:46:37 PM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		 Excitement, an adrenaline rush? Yes. Fear? No. Yet, fear is undoubtedly sexy to me, too. The problem is, the times I've genuinely feared a guy were times my gut instinct was telling me something my mind didn't want to hear yet - namely, that this man was bad news. All of the men I've feared but pursued a relationship anyway turned out to be abusive, and hurt me in ways that didn't have to do with consensual BDSM.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 6:01:52 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i think the word "fear" has so many negative connotations that it is tough to use. Do i want to be genuinely afraid of my Owner - as in i'm trying to find a way to escape him? No. i will trust him very deeply, and be attached to him very strongly.

i'm not sure how to describe this "fear" feeling, really - all i can say is it's his power over me.

It is knowing that if he wanted to, he could do anything to me - and i trust him to make the choices that are best for me, for him, and for us.

And that knowing of his power, and how he could choose to use it, is part of what keeps me in my place as a slave, and is very good for me - and bonds me to him as well.

Again, no good words for this feeling. "Thrilling" is the best i can come up with right now. Perhaps it is unique to me - if someone else can explain it better i'd love to hear it.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 6:06:40 PM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline 		Adrenalin play.  not exactly fear not exactly thrill  or terror but they all produce the same feeling.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 6:09:48 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i could go for "adrenaline" - it definitely is an adrenaline-ish feeling. But it isn't play, not something he plays with me (generally), just more something i have more or less constantly inside of myself, and is heightened at key moments.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 7:15:29 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		I don't ever want to be "afraid" of my Dom, but to have that little bit of fear ...yes.    I know afraid and fear are too close to call, but they do seem to have different meanings to me. 

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 7:33:56 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I don't want to be scared of my partner, but it can be hot when we do things that scare me, either because he wants me to, or he is supporting me in overcoming my fears. It *is* hot feeling vulnerable to him, kind of all emotionally raw, at times.

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 7:35:04 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline 		i don't think i could ever be with Someone i was genuinely afraid of, but i CAN see being afraid of what He might do in certain situations, say punishment or the like. But then, that's healthy fear. It keeps one from f*cking up when they might otherwise vacillate.....

~kitten~

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formerly sweetsub1957.

New beginnings...my first poly relationship.

Proudly Owned property of MasterDWC.


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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 7:37:26 PM   
femasoslave


Posts: 472
Joined: 5/24/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

I would agree. for someone to fear for their safety is not a good thing in anyones books, but there are those little fears that serve to heighten sensations and add an element to things be it through mind fucks or other methods.

The trust is there but a little uncertainty i can see being a powerfull stimulus.



*chuckle* i fully agree, that uncertainty can play havoc with my brain! Whereas fear is something i strongly fight against....

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 8:32:33 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Personally I think a smidgen of fear is a fine thing for a sub/slave to feel. I love that uncertain look in her eyes...grrrowwwwwwwl.

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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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RE: Do you want to be (a little) afraid of your partner? - 4/5/2010 8:37:15 PM   
AllLockedUp


Posts: 33
Joined: 3/8/2010
Status: offline 		A little fear will always keep you on your toes.

(in reply to femasoslave)
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