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stella41b -> RE: Raising children? (4/18/2010 6:01:09 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
Stella, I understand what you are saying but the glaring facts remain.......some people should never be parents. Unfortunately a large number of them do not realize it and the children pay the price for their stupidity.
On the flip side, I have friends that recognised they should never be parents and did not/will not.
Yes I know this. My parents should never have had kids, and I don't think I'm alone or even a rare case among people who think this way perhaps about their parents.
The thing is there's no such thing as a normal family, nor do I feel that any of us should be holding anyone who is a parent up to some sort of a standard, because until you have that baby and it's been born you have no way of knowing for sure what you are going to be like as a parent.
Babies don't come with instruction manuals, and you have no way of knowing who that baby is going to turn into or how your relationship is going to develop. You don't even know if you're going to get on with that child who grows out of your baby. And all around you've got people with different expectations of how you are supposed to be as a parent, other family members, health visitors, doctors, social workers if you are unlucky, the people around you, teachers, other parents, and also your children.
Starting any sort of relationship is a risk, often it's a crap shoot, and it isn't any different when you have a baby, but unlike other relationships you just can't walk away (unless of course you're the father) without experiencing stigma or problems from other people. The baby is born, it's going to grow up and whether you like it or not, you're always going to be its parent.
People don't always exercise common sense when they enter relationships and it's no different when they have kids either. While we all like to think we came into this world wanted, expected and planned, I'm sure there's a sizeable minority of us who came into this world through a mistake or bad planning, whether it be someone forgetting the condoms and just taking a risk on 'the time of the month', someone forgetting to take a contraceptive pill, getting drunk, or even having a one night stand.
We can take that statement 'some people shouldn't be parents'. I ask again, like who for example? Are there any of you out there prepared to give me a concrete example of someone they feel shouldn't be a parent? Just one example?
Perhaps like someone in the Third World? You can take any African country, even one which is troubled by plagues, famine, drought, civil war and yes, out of all the children that are born many of them die from starvation, they die from disease, they die from being killed, they die from not getting access to adequate medical facilities. Many more are enslaved, sold off, given away, abused. But many more actually survive and grow up to become adults.
Again like who? A parent who is abusive? Neglectful? Yes again, there are parents who abuse their kids, sexually, they beat them, starve them, neglect them, rape them, confine them in rooms for days on end, pour boiling hot scalding water on them, bruise them, injure them, and we read about some of the worst cases in the newspapers and media every day. Some of these kids don't make it. If they aren't killed in the process some grow up with serious problems, damaged permanently, and many of these do go on to abuse their own children.
But you know children, even little children are not quite the little, sweet, helpless bundles of innocence, light, love and joy we all like to think they are. Most children are actually quite tough, quite strong, quite resilient, they learn quicker than most adults, and many actually turn out to be much tougher and stronger than their parents.
I was an unwanted child. Had it not been for my mother backing out at the last minute I would have been adopted in Glasgow by my godmother and taken with her and her husband to Toronto. That didn't happen and without going into details I went through hell in childhood.
But you know I could have also thought 'some people shouldn't be parents' but if I did I would have remained a victim of my childhood. But I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor and on balance looking back I'm quite appreciative of the fact that my parents did bring me into this world. In fact I've been lucky to manage to internalize what I went through and feel I am a stronger, tougher and better person as a result.
My beginnings were humble, the massive Drumchapel estate in Glasgow, living in a big red brick tenement block among other kids born to other families often in extreme poverty just like any other rundown slum area in any major city, full of people who would be likely candidates for those 'who shouldn't become parents', who you can probably find in other areas such as Hackney in East London, parts of the Scotland Road in Liverpool, South Central LA and anywhere else you can think of. Maybe not as bad as kids born in famine stricken Eritrea or the Sudan, under the harsh regimes in places such as Iran, the Gaza Strip, etc.
But I like to think that I'm one of the majority,and I'm sure there are other posters reading this who also feel that they are part of that majority of kids who had far less than ideal childhoods but they got through.
And it's the plain and simple fact that we are the majority of adults who got through difficult, horrible childhoods that renders the statement 'some people shouldn't become parents' moot.
ETA: As an afterthought, also bear in mind that while the media report on the worst cases of child abuse and rightly so, the vast majority of stories such as mine and many others who did get through their difficult childhoods never really make headlines unless we ourselves make headlines.
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