RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant?

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/23/2010 11:07:45 PM

wittynamehere

Posts: 759
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadeiraDarling
I'm scared of the bedroom I use as a closet at night.

You use a bedroom as a closet at night? That's a mighty large bedroom. And why do you only use it as a closet at night? What's in there in the daytime?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadeiraDarling
enlighten me on how to better cope, and whether these little things make me less dominant in the eyes of subs?

If your dominance is only an appearance, then you have bigger things to worry about, imo.

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Post #: 21

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 8:01:24 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I think she is say is is afraid of the room at night... its always a closet...

but I think you knew that...

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Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

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Post #: 22

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 8:28:12 AM

Tantriqu

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Don't listen to the claptrap about 'negative spirits'. There are no ghosts, only imagination, fear, drafty insulation and guilty consciences.

So I'll tell you the same thing I tell my nieces: there's nothing there in the dark that wasn't there in the light.

First ask yourself why you feel this way and why you're wasting your life and energy on this, but congratulations on realising that you are: it's a good first step. If anything bad happened to you in dark enclosed spaces, see a registered psychologist and start dealing with it. Especially since you hint at 'a few other' irrational fears, you may need to see a psychiatrist about your anxieties.

If not, just clean out the closet, paint it your favourite colour of blue with white trim, put some nice things in it, take out the low-wattage lights and install a 120-watt or two in it, preferably that you can turn on while still outside of it, and buy a plastic Hallowe'en battle axe. So every night, turn on the lights, don your miner's helmet light, wield your Batlif of Power or Sword of Dommely Righteousness and whack the hell out of it while screaming, 'Take THAT! and THAT! I am Queen of the Night! Begone, foul fiends!' Feel free to write your own script.

I promise you it'll make you feel better.
And if you do nothing, it's gonna get worse.

Edited to add: Good luck, and let us know how you do.

< Message edited by Tantriqu -- 4/24/2010 8:30:03 AM >

(in reply to MadeiraDarling)

Post #: 23

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 8:32:50 AM

perfectflaw00

Posts: 96
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good advice....sans the plastic battle axe

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Post #: 24

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 9:05:13 AM

LadyCimarron

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Joined: 12/29/2009
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I used to be deathly afraid of bugs. Sometimes you can convert a fear by changing the circumstances surrounding it. For me it was gardening. I discovered that I loved gardening, of course I had an irrational fear of insects. Turns out my love of gardening was bigger than my fear of insects. While I still don't particularly like bugs. I handle them quite well now. Removing them from areas instead of killing them. Even planting things that attract "good bugs."

Maybe you can convert the room from a closet to a space for yourself. A Queen's room maybe. Fill it up with your favorite things, decorate it and use it as nothing but a room of pleasure and leisure for you. Maybe you won't feel soo phobic about it if you turn it into a room you love to be in.

(in reply to perfectflaw00)

Post #: 25

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 9:06:17 AM

ReginaMirus

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Joined: 3/7/2010
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It'd be nice if the OP would come back to her post and answer the questions posed here...

While the "ghosts and spirits" proposition might be poo-pooed, there might be a very real explanation in that there maybe some faulty wiring or excessive electromagnetic energy running loose in that particular room. High energy fields can cause feelings of dread, anxiety or irrational phobia around people sensitive to it. But I'm not even certain if that's the case here, as the OP hasn't bothered to return back to her own thread to answer that question.

If it's just a bedroom phobia in general, then perhaps a few sessions with a good psychotherapist might be in order to help her with her self-confidence on that particular topic.

(in reply to perfectflaw00)

Post #: 26

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 9:37:00 AM

Sanguinarian

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OP:
Do you have any idea what you might think is 'lurking' in that room?

Also, do you happen to have a cat and does the cat refuse to go into the room, randomly hisses at it, etc? ( You could perhaps borrow a cat to check this one. )

I like doing feng shui --or however that is spelled-- type cleansing rituals, salt, sage, crystals to form my own metaphysical protections. Feel free to message me and I can tell you what I myself do. Perhaps it will help.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 27

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 10:41:40 AM

Tantriqu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: perfectflaw00

good advice....sans the plastic battle axe

Ain't gonna advise someone I don't know to buy a real one.

(in reply to perfectflaw00)

Post #: 28

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/24/2010 10:46:21 AM

Marini

Posts: 3629
Joined: 2/14/2010
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Oh hell.
Does being a strong Dominant woman, now mean I can't be scared of things?

I is a scurred of many things!

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"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. "
Nelson Mandela
Life-long Democrat, not happy at all with Democratic Party.
NOT a Republican/Moderate and free agent

(in reply to MadeiraDarling)

Post #: 29

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/25/2010 3:56:39 PM

madderrose

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Joined: 10/2/2009
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Others say I have an irrational fear of heights. I'll walk a mile rather than take the easy 1 minute walk over the bridge thank you very muchly.

I say I have a highly developed sense of self-preservations. lol.

If the OP does return, I'll join in the idea to change the negative feelings into something positive. I don't think for a second that there is actual bad energy as in ghosts, but our minds can play tricks on us. I do not like the dark much, nor spiders nor snakes, but since I know that there is nothing dangerous in the dark where I live, and that the spiders and snakes are not dangerous chanting "X is not bad for me, X cannot harm me" silently does help. Cognitive behaviour therapy at it's simplest. Try it. Wave a wand, or a plastic axe, but it does work. But facing your fears (within reason, and bridges are not within reason) will only help you in the long run :) Good luck!

(in reply to Marini)

Post #: 30

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/26/2010 12:49:11 PM

Wheldrake

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Many people, perhaps even most people, have irrational fears, aversions or sensitivities. I'm not terrific with heights myself, though I'm certainly not paralysed by them, and I sometimes get a little spooked when walking down dark streets late at night. I don't think these little "phobias" (in the mildest, broadest, totally non-clinical sense of the term) detract from dominance unless they start to threaten self-control or seriously interfere with everyday activities. I suppose you could say that I expect adults, including dominants, to be able to control their fears rather than being controlled by them.

(in reply to madderrose)

Post #: 31

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/26/2010 3:47:04 PM

PeonForHer

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If all other remedies fail, read The Whistling Room, by William Hope Hodgson. Your room will then be about as frightening as a dead hamster by comparison.

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Post #: 32

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/28/2010 6:23:08 AM

madderrose

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Joined: 10/2/2009
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Perhaps the jovial tone I intended with my post was lost in translation.

There is quite a large difference between a "slight" phobia and a full-blown, actual phobia, and it has nothing to do with being dominant or an adult.

The reason they are called "irrational" fears is that they are irrational, and the person who has such a phobia is Quite Aware of that. However, that doesn't mean I can just suck it up and immediately overcome my fear. It is an intense physical and mental response to a specific situation that can only be controlled with time and preparation. Being controlled by them is not a sign of weakness, but it could imply that you are not aware of the fear or that you need more time to prepare for it. Anyone saying that it is simply a matter of chucking it up, either lacks empathy or an understanding of what fear is and I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them.

I'll use this as an example: Let's say a sub said crating was a hard limit. I'd ask why. I might suspect the person has a problem with being confined. Either way, I'd respect the limit and bring it up in discussion later, perhaps to see if this is something the sub might sometime consider doing, or if it simply will never, ever happen. I would not insist on putting the sub in the crate immediately. If I did, I'd be not only reckless, but putting the sub in actual, physical and mental danger. Similarly, no one who knows me would drag me onto a bridge without giving me a moment to gather the mental defenses I have against the pending anxiety attack, because I do have them.

As with the hypothetical sub and the crate, there are mental hurdles to cross and everyone with a phobia (I don't really care if someone is just spooked by riding an elevator, that's not a phobia) has to be given time to gather them and overcome them.

Fear is a human response. Being a Domme doesn't mean I can't ever being afraid of anything, but it does mean I have to be aware of my own and other people's fears (imo) and facing them, and planning ahead. Planning ahead means time to prepare myself and make sure that the sub or anyone else I need to look out for and after has had time to prepare as well. Since the OP came here to ask for advice, it tells me she is aware that her fear is becoming irrational. This is good, since it means she can work out strategies against her fears, instead of pretending they do not exist and putting herself into a false sense of security - which can be downright dangerous.

It is not a matter of avoiding things, but taking appropriate steps so that disaster is avoided. I like avoiding disasters. Makes less of a mess, and fewer stains to scrub from the upholstery...

< Message edited by madderrose -- 4/28/2010 7:05:52 AM >

(in reply to Wheldrake)

Post #: 33

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/28/2010 6:56:24 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron

I used to be deathly afraid of bugs. Sometimes you can convert a fear by changing the circumstances surrounding it. For me it was gardening. I discovered that I loved gardening, of course I had an irrational fear of insects. Turns out my love of gardening was bigger than my fear of insects. While I still don't particularly like bugs. I handle them quite well now. Removing them from areas instead of killing them. Even planting things that attract "good bugs."

Yep me too. I have always been terrified of wasps and spiders but I don't kill them, I generally run away from them screaming

Like you, I love doing the garden but the insects ruled my haven and wouldn't let me in till late autumn.
I eventually got myself some therapy with a specialist who knew all about phobias. Before long I was able to sit next to a spider (in a tank) I was giving these friendly little critters a names and chatting to them!
Then I met Simon. Simon was a wasp that really didn't like the smell of my perfume. He buzzed around me a while whilst I bravely told him not to get so upset. I'm not sure if it was the tone of my voice but I can't think of another reason why the little bastard stung me.
I ended up on the deck and the next thing I remember is a paramedic shoving something down my airway before being lifted into a vehicle with blue lights and a deafening siren.
How am I with little critters now? terrified.

I went from an unreasonable fear to a celebration of not fearing them to a perfectly reasonable fear.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 4/28/2010 6:58:32 AM >

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Post #: 34

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/28/2010 11:57:26 AM

Wheldrake

Posts: 477
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: madderrose
The reason they are called "irrational" fears is that they are irrational, and the person who has such a phobia is Quite Aware of that. However, that doesn't mean I can just suck it up and immediately overcome my fear. It is an intense physical and mental response to a specific situation that can only be controlled with time and preparation. Being controlled by them is not a sign of weakness, but it could imply that you are not aware of the fear or that you need more time to prepare for it. Anyone saying that it is simply a matter of chucking it up, either lacks empathy or an understanding of what fear is and I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them.

If this is a response to what I wrote about controlling fears instead of being controlled by them, I should hasten to clarify that I wasn't actually replying specifically to your post - when you use Fast Reply on these forums, the post is automatically labelled as a reply to the one immediately above. I was just tossing out thoughts on the general topic of the thread.

With that said, I agree with most of what you've been writing. To be clear, my idea of "controlling" one's fears is not limited to just ignoring them. I would also include trying to gradually overcome them and, where necessary, figuring out how to work around them. And I realise that with clinical phobias the last option may be the only practical one. All I'm saying is that people with irrational fears need to find sensible ways of coping with them.

(in reply to madderrose)

Post #: 35

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/28/2010 2:27:16 PM

madderrose

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/2/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake

If this is a response to what I wrote about controlling fears instead of being controlled by them, I should hasten to clarify that I wasn't actually replying specifically to your post - when you use Fast Reply on these forums, the post is automatically labelled as a reply to the one immediately above. I was just tossing out thoughts on the general topic of the thread.

With that said, I agree with most of what you've been writing. To be clear, my idea of "controlling" one's fears is not limited to just ignoring them. I would also include trying to gradually overcome them and, where necessary, figuring out how to work around them. And I realise that with clinical phobias the last option may be the only practical one. All I'm saying is that people with irrational fears need to find sensible ways of coping with them.

Ah, I see your point better now, thank you, and I agree with you as well. Thing is though, unless people do face up to the fact that they have an irrational fear it could go from a situation like the one the OP descibed into something much worse, without any reason at all.

I hope I wasn't too snappish in my reply. I usually come across as quite aggressive in just about every situation I get involved in for some reason.... ;)

(in reply to Wheldrake)

Post #: 36

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 11:44:43 AM

ChampagneMojito

Posts: 77
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: UK
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I would say it doesn't make you in the least bit less Dominant.

I watched 'Paranormal Activity' with my slave a fortnight ago, and was scared witless. Since then, I've been interpreting all kinds of run-of-the-mill household noises as evidence of household demonic possession. My boy laughs at me, but not when he's bent over our bed with my fingers buried deep in his pert little bottom...

My point is, there are all kinds of ways to reassert control if your toy gets ideas above his station, so to speak. In my humble opinion, the most successful long-lasting D/s relationships are the ones that manage to incorporate laughter, human weakness and a healthy dose of equisite humiliation for uppitty slaves.....

E

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(in reply to madderrose)

Post #: 37

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 12:48:31 PM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChampagneMojito
I watched 'Paranormal Activity' with my slave a fortnight ago, and was scared witless. Since then, I've been interpreting all kinds of run-of-the-mill household noises as evidence of household demonic possession. My boy laughs at me, but not when he's bent over our bed with my fingers buried deep in his pert little bottom...

At the risk of expressing what may be an unpopular opinion, I don't believe that sexual control or sexual attractiveness is or should be a substitute for dominance, or the basis of dominance. And yes, I do absolutely believe a dominant should hold herself to a high standard of self discipline, self control, strength, courage, competence and leadership. That means coping with scary shit sometimes, even if it is scary shit.

The popular stereotype is that when a man is dominant, it's because he has strength and courage, is a natural leader, is competent at taking control, and can protect those who give him their obedience and loyalty. He may be a guide or a teacher to his submissives, and someone worthy of respect in the real world. The converse stereotype about dominant women, which seems to be based in bad porn and male fantasy, is that she dresses like a hooker and teases men sexually. Her sexiness is the only power she has. What's wrong with this picture?

A lot. A fuck of a lot, actually. Femdom stereotypes are actually remarkably insulting and demeaning to women if you stop to think about them. And to a great extent, they are No Fun for women, which is one of the reasons there tends to be an imbalance between the number of submissive men and the number of dominant women actively involved in the scene. This link, and the links in that article, are a good starting point for understanding why a lot of us are not really thrilled with the stereotypes of how we are "supposed" to be as femdoms. Cause a lot of it isn't actually sexy to us, or dominant either.

I do respect that individuals can have all different kinds of relationships, including a sexual-only bedroom dominance play if that's what works for them. And no, I am absolutely not saying to the person I'm replying to that this is their situation; I'm just commenting on the issue of kinky sexual play being the same as dominance. It's fun as hell, but it's not the same. Dominance in the real world does mean self-control and self-discipline and generally having your shit together enough that someone else might think it's a good idea to turn over the driver's seat to you.

I don't mean some silly thing like in order to be REAL and TWUE, dominance has to be 24/7 and involve your whole life. It doesn't. But for me personally, to meet my criteria of actually being dominant, there does need to be a standard of strength, ethics, leadership and general shit-together life competence to which the dominant holds him or herself. Otherwise it's not dominance to me, it's just kinky bedroom play. It can't all be about looking sexy in a latex dress or giving good anal. My standards may not be your standards, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with kinky bedroom play in a relationship that has a solid vanilla foundation. It doesn't make you better than or worse than anyone else if you handle your relationships this way. YMMV.

ChampagneMojito also made an excellent point about human weaknesses. We all have them. Dominants too, both male and female. Submissives who can't cope with their dominants being human are also probably living in a bad porno stereotype, and that doesn't tend to work so well in actual human relationships.

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 4/30/2010 12:51:44 PM >

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Post #: 38

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:07:05 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

The popular stereotype is that when a man is dominant, it's because he has strength and courage, is a natural leader, is competent at taking control, and can protect those who give him their obedience and loyalty. He may be a guide or a teacher to his submissives, and someone worthy of respect in the real world. The converse stereotype about dominant women, which seems to be based in bad porn and male fantasy, is that she dresses like a hooker and teases men sexually. Her sexiness is the only power she has. What's wrong with this picture?

A lot. A fuck of a lot, actually. Femdom stereotypes are actually remarkably insulting and demeaning to women if you stop to think about them. And to a great extent, they are No Fun for women, which is one of the reasons there tends to be an imbalance between the number of submissive men and the number of dominant women actively involved in the scene.

This actually explains why:

1) 10 years ago, I had a hard time coming to terms with being a dominant woman: I do not identify with the stereotype
2) I don't go to any scene related events: I do not identify with most Dommes I meet there
3) I took a 5 year break from this place, and when I came back, I addressed this very topic

- LA

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Post #: 39

RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:07:22 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

Oh lordy, Lady N.

I do respect the standards you set for yourself - they're admirable. But - insofar as you're suggesting that femdoms aspire to the same standards (and I know you don't want to foist them on everyone) - aren't you in danger of just swapping one bunch of pressures and joy-killers for another? I don't, and have never, seen it as necessary that a femdom fit herself to the stereotype cooked up by the porn industry. But, I wouldn't want her to feel some great pressure to be strong, confident, masterful, etc, etc, either.

At risk of boring everyone with what looks like it's become a mantra: for me, a dominant dominates because she wants to; a submissive submits because he wants to. I can't see (in my admittedly as yet pretty inexperienced position) why anything else matters.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 4/30/2010 1:09:39 PM >

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Post #: 40

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