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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:14:21 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

At risk of boring everyone with what looks like it's become a mantra: for me, a dominant dominates because she wants to; a submissive submits because he wants to. I can't see (in my admittedly as yet pretty inexperienced position) why anything else matters.


I agree with this Peon except for new Dommes, the image of what a Domme is supposed to be from the porn industry is misleading.

How many times do I see young Dommes (I don't mean young by age but young in terms of years doing this) come here all bitchy, in your face and full of attitude pretending they are all that. They have no manners and a huge sense of entitlement. Really unbecoming.

Just look at the profiles on the other side of desperate girls trying to play the Domme to make money because they think men are desperate and gullible and will make them rich.

They think this is the way they are supposed to act. They think dominance is about aggression. It's not. It's about control.

There is no one true way to be a Domme. But self respect and self control are at the heart of every Domme. Any woman can call herself a Domme, true. Doesn't mean all self-identified Dommes are equal in my books.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 4/30/2010 1:15:07 PM >

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:31:44 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I do respect the standards you set for yourself - they're admirable. But - insofar as you're suggesting that femdoms aspire to the same standards (and I know you don't want to foist them on everyone) - aren't you in danger of just swapping one bunch of pressures and joy-killers for another? I don't, and have never, seen it as necessary that a femdom fit herself to the stereotype cooked up by the porn industry. But, I wouldn't want her to feel some great pressure to be strong, confident, masterful, etc, etc, either.


I respect how other people choose to live their lives, and making choices different from mine doesn't mean they are wrong.  I just have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that because you have a va-jay-jay, it lowers the bar of what dominance means.  Unless of course it's not about dominance at all, or about what the woman wants at all, even if it's disguised that way.

In the real world, any amount of leadership and power over others also comes with a degree of responsibility for them.  That also means there are reasonable standards of strength and competence for this position of responsibility.  But in a bad-porno-stereotyped-femdom world, being "dominant" doesn't actually mean any of that stuff.  It just means you are supposed to dress like a hooker, be eye candy for the male consumer, and maybe give good anal, usually with a fake cock.  Also, the epitome of a guy being submissive is that he is supposed to dress like a woman, because everyone knows women are lower class citizens and it is totally degrading to a Real Man to be treated like a - gasp - female.  And not just any female, but a slut - a female who likes penetrative sex, and is therefore the lowest of the low, because to be penetrated with a cock is to lose and to do the penetrating is to win.  How is this likely to lead to happy fun times for women who are both dominant and have healthy sexual appetites?  How is it anything other than insulting and a giant turn-off to a dominant woman if her supposedly submissive partner is actually getting off on misogyny? 

And the ickiness goes both ways.  Rather than being beautifully sexy, attractively male (or genderbending in a sexy and non-misogynistic way) and authentically vulnerable, a romantic picture of sexy, noble, heroic suffering, a hot guy who is desirable for beating and fucking, the "submissive" is supposed to get off on how much he doesn't get his partner off.  He's ugly, pathetic, worthless, a wimp, etc.  Uh, no, sorry, but that honestly doesn't get me hot.  It's not fun for me.  If you want me to cater to it because it's fun for you, then you're paying for it.  Is it a big surprise given this kind of entry standard that there are not a lot of dominant women in the scene who aren't being paid to be there? 

Ya know, this is some seriously fucked up shit.  I'm not saying that everyone should meet my standards or they can't be a Real Twue Dom.   I don't own the Big Leather Book Of One True Answers For Everybody, nor can I sell you one for $49.95.  I do think that there needs to be some awareness of the underlying paradigms and assumptions often made in the scene about what a female dominant is or isn't. 



quote:

At risk of boring everyone with what looks like it's become a mantra: for me, a dominant dominates because she wants to; a submissive submits because he wants to. I can't see (in my admittedly as yet pretty inexperienced position) why anything else matters.


You're absolutely right.  And within those boundaries, a healthy relationship can be anything you want it to be. 

< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 4/30/2010 2:13:59 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:32:10 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

How many times do I see young Dommes (I don't mean young by age but young in terms of years doing this) come here all bitchy, in your face and full of attitude pretending they are all that. They have no manners and a huge sense of entitlement. Really unbecoming.

Just look at the profiles on the other side of desperate girls trying to play the Domme to make money because they think men are desperate and gullible and will make them rich.

They think this is the way they are supposed to act. They think dominance is about aggression. It's not. It's about control.

There is no one true way to be a Domme. But self respect and self control are at the heart of every Domme. Any woman can call herself a Domme, true. Doesn't mean all self-identified Dommes are equal in my books.

- LA[/font]


I wouldn't bother to contrast the porn-stereotype 'femdom' with the genuine article. For me, the former just needs to be dumped. What concerns me is that a femdom now has the special demand on her - beyond and above that which is demanded of her vanilla counterpart (and perhaps of subs) - to have self-respect and self-control.

But is this what's really being proposed? I'm not clear . . . .

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 1:38:43 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I wouldn't bother to contrast the porn-stereotype 'femdom' with the genuine article. For me, the former just needs to be dumped. What concerns me is that a femdom now has the special demand on her - beyond and above that which is demanded of her vanilla counterpart (and perhaps of subs) - to have self-respect and self-control.

But is this what's really being proposed? I'm not clear . . . .


Your understanding is correct.  I do personally feel that a dominant should hold herself to higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership, self respect and self control.  Actually, that's a damn good idea for submissives as well, but I feel it is of keystone importance to dominants.  With dominance over someone comes a degree of responsibility for them, and ethically I feel that is something very important to strive to live up to and be worthy of.

I'm not really "proposing" anything to anyone else, other than an awareness that this is one valid point of view.  It's okay if other people run their relationships differently.  I am not the Grand High Poohbah of Dominance, and what defines a healthy and functional D/s relationship for other consenting adults is not mine to decide. 


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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 2:05:56 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

How many times do I see young Dommes (I don't mean young by age but young in terms of years doing this) come here all bitchy, in your face and full of attitude pretending they are all that. They have no manners and a huge sense of entitlement. Really unbecoming.

Just look at the profiles on the other side of desperate girls trying to play the Domme to make money because they think men are desperate and gullible and will make them rich.

They think this is the way they are supposed to act. They think dominance is about aggression. It's not. It's about control.

There is no one true way to be a Domme. But self respect and self control are at the heart of every Domme. Any woman can call herself a Domme, true. Doesn't mean all self-identified Dommes are equal in my books.

- LA


I wouldn't bother to contrast the porn-stereotype 'femdom' with the genuine article. For me, the former just needs to be dumped.


Well you can't say that any woman who wants to be a domme is a domme and then say that a porn-stereotype 'femdom' is not the genuine article. That is a contradiction. Many porn-stereotype femdoms consider themselves dommes. See what I'm saying?

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
What concerns me is that a femdom now has the special demand on her - beyond and above that which is demanded of her vanilla counterpart (and perhaps of subs) - to have self-respect and self-control.

Well we can't as a group, but you can have that expectation as in a domme, and somewhere, I think you probably do.


quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
But is this what's really being proposed? I'm not clear . . . .


LNT pretty much sums up what I think. And like LNT, I don't impose my standards on anyone else. But I have these standards for myself and for the people that I let into my inner circle.

- LA

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 3:23:43 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

I wouldn't bother to contrast the porn-stereotype 'femdom' with the genuine article. For me, the former just needs to be dumped. What concerns me is that a femdom now has the special demand on her - beyond and above that which is demanded of her vanilla counterpart (and perhaps of subs) - to have self-respect and self-control.

But is this what's really being proposed? I'm not clear . . . .



quote:

Your understanding is correct.  I do personally feel that a dominant should hold herself to higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership, self respect and self control.  Actually, that's a damn good idea for submissives as well, but I feel it is of keystone importance to dominants.  With dominance over someone comes a degree of responsibility for them, and ethically I feel that is something very important to strive to live up to and be worthy of.


I think that one level, the logic of that is faultless. Who could argue against the idea that a person who wants to control another person's life, to whatever degree, must also take the concomitant responsibility for that life? Taking that responsibility probably also implies a sense of courage, competence, nobility - and so on - too.

Yet, a lot depends on who's reading the words. If it's those sort of feckless 'desperate girls trying to play the Domme to make money because they think men are desperate and gullible and will make them rich' (as you put it) - then, they do indeed need to absorb them and swallow the logic. Likewise, but in an entirely different way, an experienced dominant who is well in touch with her dominant/sadistic desires - but doesn't know where to stop and who beats beyond the call of a safe word. I know these exist, though hopefully not in large numbers . . . .

However, I'm not thinking of either of those types. I'm thinking of women who might like to be dominant, have the urge to be, but lack the confidence to carry it forward. Such a woman might read even LA's shorter statement about the essentials of a domme's character - that a domme have, above all, 'self-respect' and 'self-control' entirely differently. At worst (God help us, but I bet they're still around) believe that these words always imply a submissive way of acting with her male partner - both within the bedroom and out of it. But I suspect - actually, 'worry' puts it better - that there may be women who might well have the urge to break out of their vanilla shell but read phrases like 'self-control', and forget that D/s is, after all, meant to be fun, and that her s-type partner may want her to let go of an awful lot of said self-control.

As for your own standards for your own dominance, involving LA's as well as 'higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership' - I do wonder how many women might read that and think, "Oh hell no. I'll just stick to fantasising. Me, at my height, my age, all my insecurities and lack of confidence, being a leader to my partner? I'm just a young girl who he won't take seriously / an older woman with too much grey hair. I could never, most of all, be 'noble'"!'

I guess, to put that worry more succinctly, I'd say, 'Woah. Ditch the porn-leather-booties stereotype, but be careful lest you replace it with a Queen Boudicca image instead'. Most women's arms would never be strong enough to give a sword a decent swing, for a start. And I do wonder if she had much of a sense of humour, frankly . . . .

quote:

I am not the Grand High Poohbah of Dominance


Good. The headwear would look silly on you.



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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 6:41:43 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I suspect - actually, 'worry' puts it better - that there may be women who might well have the urge to break out of their vanilla shell but read phrases like 'self-control', and forget that D/s is, after all, meant to be fun, and that her s-type partner may want her to let go of an awful lot of said self-control.


I think you may be confusing adherence to social niceties and outwardly imposed inhibitions with actual self control.  That isn't self control at all, it's being submissive and/or conformist. 


quote:

As for your own standards for your own dominance, involving LA's as well as 'higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership' - I do wonder how many women might read that and think, "Oh hell no. I'll just stick to fantasising. Me, at my height, my age, all my insecurities and lack of confidence, being a leader to my partner? I'm just a young girl who he won't take seriously / an older woman with too much grey hair. I could never, most of all, be 'noble'"!'


The opportunity to be noble exists for all of us in everyday life.  Do we extend a courteous helping hand to our neighbors when they need one, or do we selfishly hurry onward and pretend we do not see?  Do we return to the store and pay when we notice that we were undercharged by an amount that will probably come out of the clerk's salary otherwise?  Do we lie for personal gain, or tell the truth even when it is not to our best advantage?  Do we speak with courtesy to strangers, whatever their rank or station in life? Whether one is young or old doesn't matter.  Nobility is always within our reach. 


quote:

I guess, to put that worry more succinctly, I'd say, 'Woah. Ditch the porn-leather-booties stereotype, but be careful lest you replace it with a Queen Boudicca image instead'. Most women's arms would never be strong enough to give a sword a decent swing, for a start. And I do wonder if she had much of a sense of humour, frankly . . . .


I do place strength and fitness pretty high on my own list of aspirations, but there are noble leaders and good dominants who are physically weak or even disabled.  I think that it's important to strive to be all that you can be, but that doesn't mean everybody has to be an Amazon warrior.  The ability to defend yourself and your property certainly does help, and it is part of my personal definition of being a good dominant.  But if you're a dominant woman who owns a strong man, and you have that dynamic, that's another of the things he's good for. 

I have a pretty darn good sense of humor, sometimes subtle and dry and caustic, sometimes bawdy and crude.  So do most of the other fighting women I know who do live steel demos and/or the SCA.  Given that all we know historically of Boadicea is that she was a Celtic warrior queen who was flogged and raped by the Romans along with her young daughter, I find it quite interesting that you assume she had no sense of humor.  If you mean it probably wasn't very funny to her that she and her daughter were beaten and raped, I would have to concur.  But since we know literally nothing of her personal life, it is interesting and perhaps telling that you would assume she had no sense of humor simply because she was female and a warrior.  That's the stereotype of any fighting woman, certainly, but can you explain *why* it is the stereotype?  Or more importantly, why you choose to believe it?


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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 7:48:43 PM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I suspect - actually, 'worry' puts it better - that there may be women who might well have the urge to break out of their vanilla shell but read phrases like 'self-control', and forget that D/s is, after all, meant to be fun, and that her s-type partner may want her to let go of an awful lot of said self-control.


I think you may be confusing adherence to social niceties and outwardly imposed inhibitions with actual self control.  That isn't self control at all, it's being submissive and/or conformist. 



I agree. But, then, I'm a good few stages on, now, to the way I was in my early twenties. Back then, I *did* associate the phrase 'self-control' with being conformist. Too conformist to be submissive, in fact. I only became that, fully-fledged, when I learned how to take the sort of self-control you're talking about. And developed the guts, of course.

I've never before seen you use 'submissive' in that way. In the past, you've associated it with strength, not weakness. (And a great deal of strength, at that.) I think this is another example of why we have to be careful about not creating (or rather, in this case, reinforcing) a stereotype that's restrictive.


quote:

The opportunity to be noble exists for all of us in everyday life.  Do we extend a courteous helping hand to our neighbors when they need one, or do we selfishly hurry onward and pretend we do not see?  Do we return to the store and pay when we notice that we were undercharged by an amount that will probably come out of the clerk's salary otherwise?  Do we lie for personal gain, or tell the truth even when it is not to our best advantage?  Do we speak with courtesy to strangers, whatever their rank or station in life? Whether one is young or old doesn't matter.  Nobility is always within our reach. '



quote:


I do place strength and fitness pretty high on my own list of aspirations, but there are noble leaders and good dominants who are physically weak or even disabled.  I think that it's important to strive to be all that you can be, but that doesn't mean everybody has to be an Amazon warrior.  The ability to defend yourself and your property certainly does help, and it is part of my personal definition of being a good dominant.  But if you're a dominant woman who owns a strong man, and you have that dynamic, that's another of the things he's good for. 


No argument. That's a fine definition of 'noble'. The emboldened bit clinches it. ;-)


quote:

I have a pretty darn good sense of humor, sometimes subtle and dry and caustic, sometimes bawdy and crude.  So do most of the other fighting women I know who do live steel demos and/or the SCA.  Given that all we know historically of Boadicea is that she was a Celtic warrior queen who was flogged and raped by the Romans along with her young daughter, I find it quite interesting that you assume she had no sense of humor.  If you mean it probably wasn't very funny to her that she and her daughter were beaten and raped, I would have to concur.  But since we know literally nothing of her personal life, it is interesting and perhaps telling that you would assume she had no sense of humor simply because she was female and a warrior.  That's the stereotype of any fighting woman, certainly, but can you explain *why* it is the stereotype?  Or more importantly, why you choose to believe it?


I'm sure you have a fine sense of humour because I've seen examples of it. For me, that's good - because I would, in all seriousness (heh!) put it up there in any list of essential qualities for a dominant. The one thing a dominant can never be, I think, is stiff and unbending. That had to get dumped along with the vanilla shell. Humour's a good antidote to that. I guess it goes without saying that I believe the same to be true for subs.

You're right, we know practically zilch about Boudicca's life. I don't know why there's a stereotype of a fighting woman being humourless and I'd stop a long way short of saying that I believe such a woman is bound to be humourless. She was a pretty cold fish in a recent BBC production about her life, but I can just about grasp that that doesn't qualify as strong evidence!

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 9:47:18 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I've never before seen you use 'submissive' in that way. In the past, you've associated it with strength, not weakness. (And a great deal of strength, at that.) I think this is another example of why we have to be careful about not creating (or rather, in this case, reinforcing) a stereotype that's restrictive.


Wanting to be good, to please others, to conform to what is expected of you, to follow another's lead, is the hallmark of a submissive.  In fact it can be the hallmark of a very good submissive.  It is not necessarily weak.  You can be emotionally invested in "being good" and in conforming, and also be a very strong submissive.  What you probably aren't with those traits is an independent, innovative leader or a trend setter.  But that does not equate to weakness. 




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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 10:21:46 PM   
sirrandpolyfam


Posts: 138
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline 		Fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real

The only thing you can do with fear is stamp it out! Fear is USELESS! It only holds you back.

Use these mantras or make your own. I shall not fear. I need not fear.

Stamp out fear at the first sign of "what if"!

Don't try to argue or reason with it.

1) Accept fear is not needed.
2) Learn to recognize your fear at the earliest stage possible.
3) Learn Reflex. Any fear-killing mantra will do. Killing fear is like stamping out a fire.
4) NEVER under any circumstances think first. Shoot first. Stamp it out. Then Think. If you must.

If your interested in learning more Das Energi is a great book.




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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 4/30/2010 10:42:06 PM   
Venatrix


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

I do personally feel that a dominant should hold herself to higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership, self respect and self control. 



Damn. And here I am, aspiring only to crack open a beer with my dinner. Sigh.

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 3:37:55 AM   
PeonForHer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
Wanting to be good, to please others, to conform to what is expected of you, to follow another's lead, is the hallmark of a submissive.  In fact it can be the hallmark of a very good submissive.  It is not necessarily weak.  You can be emotionally invested in "being good" and in conforming, and also be a very strong submissive.  What you probably aren't with those traits is an independent, innovative leader or a trend setter.  But that does not equate to weakness. 


Being a sexual dominant might have very little to do with being a social dominant (or so I've been told); the same runs true for a sexual submissive. Personally, I've always been too much of a loner to feel that I fit into either 'leader' or 'follower' category.

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 1:53:12 PM   
Wheldrake


Posts: 477
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

Your understanding is correct.  I do personally feel that a dominant should hold herself to higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership, self respect and self control.  Actually, that's a damn good idea for submissives as well, but I feel it is of keystone importance to dominants.  With dominance over someone comes a degree of responsibility for them, and ethically I feel that is something very important to strive to live up to and be worthy of.

Have to say this really struck a chord with me. Like you, I don't consider it my business to dictate standards to others, but I wouldn't want to submit to a dominant who was not serious about cultivating most of the qualities you mentioned. If nothing else, I wouldn't feel safe in the hands of someone who was fundamentally irresponsible, or simply a bad leader.

I also agree that the same character traits that are essential for dominants are at least praiseworthy in submissives (and in vanilla types, for that matter), even if dominants need them more. Submissives perhaps need to be strong in different ways: if a dominant needs to have the confidence and wisdom to make decisions, a submissive needs to have the courage and endurance to accept those decisions even if they take him far outside of his comfort zone. I think we s-types need to work on ourselves just as much, as well as encouraging our dominants to be tough-minded, capable leaders who are worthy of our submission.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

You're right, we know practically zilch about Boudicca's life. I don't know why there's a stereotype of a fighting woman being humourless and I'd stop a long way short of saying that I believe such a woman is bound to be humourless. She was a pretty cold fish in a recent BBC production about her life, but I can just about grasp that that doesn't qualify as strong evidence!


For the record, I like to imagine Boudicca with a broad smile and a deep, frequently deployed belly laugh. But who am I to argue with the Beeb?

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 3:40:18 PM   
Venatrix


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wheldrake

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

Your understanding is correct.  I do personally feel that a dominant should hold herself to higher standards of strength, courage, competence, nobility, leadership, self respect and self control.  Actually, that's a damn good idea for submissives as well, but I feel it is of keystone importance to dominants.  With dominance over someone comes a degree of responsibility for them, and ethically I feel that is something very important to strive to live up to and be worthy of.

Have to say this really struck a chord with me. Like you, I don't consider it my business to dictate standards to others, but I wouldn't want to submit to a dominant who was not serious about cultivating most of the qualities you mentioned. If nothing else, I wouldn't feel safe in the hands of someone who was fundamentally irresponsible, or simply a bad leader.



Well, this is where we differ. LNT's whole description there sounded to me of dominants taking themselves waaaay too seriously; it doesn't mean that dominants shouldn't be serious about some issues, but this whole "I am domina, hear me roar" thing I find laughable. Getting back to the OP's query, I see nothing wrong with being a dominant and a human being, which means having silly frightened moments, rather than a caricature.

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 4:11:45 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
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Status: offline 		Venatrix, I can see how you took it that way. I took it another way. It is about not being just a barbie doll with a whip but having integrity and having strength. She did say these were good principles for a submissive as well. I'd extend it and say that they are good principles for all humans.

She also said that she wasn't trying to prescribe a one true way but rather talk about her own personal standards. I get that. My personal standards are pretty similar.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/1/2010 4:12:07 PM >

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RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 4:27:03 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I understood that it was 'her way', not 'the way'. But one can still have integrity, strength, self-control, etc., be dominant, yet not sound so humourless. It just all smacks of 'trying too hard' to me. If you're a genuine person, you shouldn't have to try to be anything more than who you are. But perhaps that's the Brit in me: we think taking ourselves too seriously to be a cardinal sin.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 4:51:40 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think she's trying to be anything. From her posts, I think that is who LNT genuinely is.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 10:46:12 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix
Well, this is where we differ. LNT's whole description there sounded to me of dominants taking themselves waaaay too seriously; it doesn't mean that dominants shouldn't be serious about some issues, but this whole "I am domina, hear me roar" thing I find laughable. Getting back to the OP's query, I see nothing wrong with being a dominant and a human being, which means having silly frightened moments, rather than a caricature.


I do personally aspire to certain ideals in my life, and I take those aspirations seriously.  I do not always succeed perfectly in living up to my own ideals, but they are important enough to me to keep trying.  What I don't expect is for anyone else to take my personal ideals seriously.  Mine aren't necessarily better than yours, nor are yours better than mine.  I know what makes me a better and stronger human being, and I strive towards that.  That's all, really.  I don't claim to have actually gotten there.  It is the day to day striving to be better that defines me.  Arrogantly claiming that I have achieved all my goals and become something worthy of roaring about would be not only false, but counterproductive.

I believe that if you are taking another human being's life into your hands to any degree and duration, you have an ethical responsibility to their physical and emotional safety, health and welfare.  The more responsible you are, the more in control you are, the higher the bar is raised.  This does not mean you're not allowed to be human, and scared sometimes, and unsure, or even weak.  That's not realistic.  Perfection is not required, and not really even possible.  Doing your best to live up to that responsibility is possible, and I do think it is important. 

Maybe what you most enjoy doing does not involve actually taking responsibility for another person.  In many kinds of good and healthy BDSM relationships, both partners have equal responsibilities to each other.  There's nothing wrong with that, and there is no Kinkier Than Thou medal of honor you can win by being more totally domly or 24/7 or what have you.  If this is what you are doing, you can safely assume that I'm not talking about you and ignore everything I'm saying about what I personally feel a dominant's ethical responsibilities are, since they don't really apply. 


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Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/1/2010 11:25:46 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix
Yes, I understood that it was 'her way', not 'the way'. But one can still have integrity, strength, self-control, etc., be dominant, yet not sound so humourless.


Guilty as charged.  I spent too much of my life in academia learning to talk this way, which is also how I got physically lazy, desk bound, and fat in addition to mostly forgetting how to communicate in words of fewer than four syllables.  I fixed the fat thing by deciding to get serious about fitness and weight lifting, but I'm afraid I'm still a nerd. 


quote:

It just all smacks of 'trying too hard' to me. If you're a genuine person, you shouldn't have to try to be anything more than who you are.


Thing is, it's the trying hard part that I feel defines me the best.  I try hard to live up to my own personal ideals.  If I stopped trying so hard, I don't think I'd like myself or respect myself quite as much. 


quote:

But perhaps that's the Brit in me: we think taking ourselves too seriously to be a cardinal sin.


What I tend to find annoying is when people take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same, because their actions are primarily directed at impressing others with how much of a muchness they are.  If you've taken away that impression from my writing, then clearly I need to work on improving my communication skills. 

If what you actually mean is that you think no one should aspire to outdated ideals like strength, courage, discipline, bravery and honor because it's terribly annoying when people take such things seriously, then I will simply agree to disagree and leave you to that opinion. 


_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Silly Frightened Moments... how to stay dominant? - 5/2/2010 9:53:00 AM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadeiraDarling

I'm an adult woman, I'm normally also a fairly sensible sort of woman who doesn't randomly get worked up about tiny things, however here I'm going to admit something, I'm scared of the bedroom I use as a closet at night. I acknowledge this fear is completely unreasonable, but any time I have to walk past the damn thing at night I can't shake the feeling something terrible is lurking there to get me, despite the fact that obviously nothing is. I have a few other little things like this, and again I know it's silly. Now I'm sure I'm not the only dom/me who has a silly fear, and I was hoping that others would perhaps enlighten me on how to better cope with them, and whether these little things make me less dominant in the eyes of subs?


I wouldn't focus on what the subs think so much, as that I'd be more concerned that there really IS something terrible lurking in there.

Frankly, I'd move.

(in reply to MadeiraDarling)
Profile   Post #: 60
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