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SirPumpy -> RE: What is the subbie mafia? (6/3/2010 3:02:33 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CountrySong
Correction - Several recent posts have mentioned the use of horseheads. However, extensive research has lead me to the conclusion that this is a ploy designed to misdirect those who might get on the wrong side of the subbie Mafia.
This research has also led to the discovery of the real cause for fear - HORSERADISH!!!
Warning - If you recieve a jar of horseradish by mail or have one suddenly appear on your porch or in your car then you have very little time left to correct your ways (Though I was unable to uncover any information on it, if you are delivered the dreaded horseradish you may wish to contact SirPumpy about the cookie defense.) However, if you find a root of horseradish in your bed it is too late - you have little time to prepare your affairs to leave the "Dominant Lifestyle" behind and prepare to enter the world of submission!
In an exclusive interview with a member of the subbie Mafia (who shall remain unnamed) this reporter was privileged to hear of some of the wonderful experiences that await those who recieve the horseradish of death!
Due to the sensitiveness of many in our audience I will not go into the gruesome details however I will mention a few of the horrors that await those who have been gifted the horseradish of death: anal horseradish figging plugs, penile horseradish sounds, baths of ground horseradish to soak in after a flogging, horseradish and dishsoap to wash out foul mouths; horseradish and vinager enemas; horseradish lube; etc.
It should also be noted that contrary to popular belief; todays super hot varieties of horseradish and japanese horseradish(wasabi) where not developed by the farming and food industry. They were infact developed by members of the subbie Mafia both as instruments of torture and as marketable products to help fund various subbie Mafia endeavors.
Note - since horseradish is most potent when fresh, looking for horseradish plants in a subbie's garden or a garden of one of that subbie's friend may indicat membership in the subbie Mafia.
Love your work CountrySong and this explains the crate of creamed horseradish I received Fedex'd yesterday.
As it happens I had a lovely Roast Beef last night for dinner and the Horseradish was well received by all. (4 Lb Topside roast take A LOT of horseradish)
The cookie defence only works with home made cookies containing Chocolate chips, fudge, fudge and choc chips with wheat products being optional.
The more feral subs will turn their snouts up at milk or cooking chocolate and this is why it is wise to use quality ingredients and to vary the types of chocolate.
Ive found that Dwarf Battle Cookies also work well provided they have a mixture of dark chocolate and dark chocolate coated roasted coffee beans in them with a 9:1 ratio of chocolate to actual biscuit.
When approached one should gently rustle the bag (Unbleached brown paper only) containing the goodies to grab their attention away from the your groinal area.
Once diverted you should again gently rustle the bag to fix their attention and to get the saliva glands working, only speak to them in gentle tones and DONT make any sudden moves whilst still in possession of the bag which the sub will now consider theirs.
Squat down keeping your eyes on the sub but making sure not to stare and slowly open the top of the bag and gently remove a cookie and hold it up so the sub can see the cookie.
At this stage you should check for excess drool usually indicated by tennis shoe lace strings of drool and if this is present you should place the cookie down, back slowly away and then place the bag open on the ground, back away about 10 feet and then walk away quickly to a place of safety.
IF you have no cookies handy some members of the sub Mafia are susceptible to cries of "Look! something shiny!" as a misdirect and by pointing behind them, the misdirect is intensified by flinging jewellery and other shiny objects over their heads such as nickel plated semi auto hand guns (.22 cal and above although a wide grip .38 super seems to work best) or at a pinch foil wrapped chocolate has been known to work.
THE MOMENT their gaze is averted you must make your escape quickly however once their concentration is broken it may take some time to refocus on their original target.
sM come in a few different types too and it is worth taking note of the pelt they sport on their heads.
The least dangerous is the Sandy sub, easily distracted and friendly by nature although they will pee when startled but generally make good pets.
Then there is the bejewelled rainbow sub, also friendly by nature but somewhat unpredictable at certain phases of the moon, will generally not pee when startled unless asked nicely. Mid level danger and easily subdued when shown Tofu and natural unbleached fibre clothing. Prefers unbleached wholemeal flour cookies with natural honey and oatmeal.
The Raven pelt sub is fairly high risk, usually identified by the midnight pelt and pale skin. generally found muttering to themselves about the Sandy subs shortcommings the Raven pelt sub is a warrior sub and with correct training can be dispatched as a cloaked assasin or Emo sub. There is no hard data on the best use of cookie bribes however any large calibre nickel handgun will excite them to near insensability for short while.
The Ranga sub is the most dangerous of the sM species and proudly sports a bright orange pelt, cannot be bribed even with diamond jewellery and is quite innovative in their hunting and capture methods.
Should you be confronted with a Ranga sub the best defence is to lay on your back and pee on yourself to make you less palatable and in disgust they will usually wander away growling under their breath.
Their preferred diet is fake dominants and social workers although social worker give them gas and indigestion.
I hope you find this helpful.
SP
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