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I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 1:43:51 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I'm posting this here rather then "off topic" because I'm hoping some of the D/M's might be able to give me a little insight... although all comments from others are welcome.

My problem is that I've been attracting men who seem to want nothing more then the fantasy of a D/s relationship rather then the reality...the main problem being... they're not letting me in on this tidbit of information.

First, the men I respond to when approached on Cmail are articulate, polite, well educated and start from a vanilla position in conversation.

Since I don't have internet at home any chat or cam is done from a cafe so all we're doing is getting to know each other and playing isn't going to be an option.

From this point it goes to phone calls and text messages...while dynamics and sex are discussed it's more in the manner we would discuss things here on the boards then it is phone sex or text sex...in other words they're not getting much in the way of wank material...

I'm pretty much out of range of anyone's calling plan and took a little comfort from the fact that if they were willing to spend that much money on phone calls...they must be serious, wrong.

Three times now it's gotten to the stage where they were making plans to come over and meet after spending 3 to 4 weeks talking... and they vanish. You would think they'd at least pop over for a bit of fun first.

First, Is there something in my profile that's attracting these fantasists?

Second, What are they getting out of it? Wouldn't their time be better spent on someone who would give them a little wank material?

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 6/4/2010 1:52:14 PM >

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

Post #: 1

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:03:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Probably the process and your initial filtering could use some tweaking. For a lot of people the onling play game IS all they have, it's all they understand and it's all they ever will do.

It sounds like you aren't in a very stable and fruitful place in your life right now, perhaps wait until you can have your privacy and comfort before attempting to go further with someone.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 2

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:14:33 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I'm not sure what you're saying in the second paragraph... What was it thst leads you to believe my life isn't fruitfull or stable? If you're referring to the fact I don't have internet in my home... it has nothing to do with finances or stability... The box for my apartment complex has no room for an additional line so I have to wait until someone gives up a line or the phone Co. installs a new box...if you lived in Spain...you'd understand...

Regarding screening... any specific questions I should be asking?

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 6/4/2010 2:18:53 PM >

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:17:08 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I LOVE your profile. It's really perfect, I think.

What you need now is to relax. The right guy is out there. Take your time, make friends, and he will come along. In the meantime, have fun in the forums!!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 4

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:21:26 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

It's not you hon. You are a fantastic, intelligent, funny, beautiful, insightful and wonderful woman I am proud to call friend. Unfortunately, the internet gives them the ability to be anonymous and say anything. Yes, your radar will get better, but ANY of us could get taken for a ride and not know it. Anyone that tells you differently is just full of shit. It's not you. Hang in there, you will find someone, it just takes time.

I adore you, if it's any consolation!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 5

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:22:09 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I do enjoy the forums and have made some great friends here... it just seems like a pattern is forming that I would like to nip in the bud.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 6

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:23:12 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I think LA has hit the nail on the head there. As to the whys of you getting enquiries, you are a beautiful mature woman which for me and many, makes you mysterious, enchanting and definitely desirable. History is filled with such women inflaming the lust of men, men who have fought wars to gain the woman they desire. More power to you lass.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 7

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:24:12 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I'm not sure what you're saying in the second paragraph...if you're referring to the fact I don't have internet in my home... it has nothing to do with finances or stability... The box for my apartment complex has no room for an additional line so I have to wait until someone gives up a line or the phone Co. installs a new box...if you lived in Spain...you'd understand...

Regarding screening... any specific questions I should be asking?

The same questions you'd ask a vanilla potential:

What they are looking for...a bit about their past relationships, how they picture their perfect relationship.

Honestly, it's not so much about what questions you ask, as the fact that they should answer the same question with basically the same answer today, tomorrow and five months from now. (given room for expansion of the mind and change of ideas)

The most important thing is to get to know him as a person. That means eventually getting to know his friends and family. That means not even giving guys who are unavailable every night from 6 pm to 7 am a chance...

It's a lonnng slow process. It took me about two years. I didn't even consider meeting anyone at all for the first six months. I needed to learn, to let my newness wear off, and to make sure I wasn't in some sort of sub frenzy. Just relax.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 8

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:27:42 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Ok I perved you, besides the tremendous disappointment over the lack of gash pics, your profile is literate and well thought out.

As I used to tell my daughter...." all men are scum....except your daddy".

Jb, you seem thoughtful and rather smart. If it was easy, this place might not exist.
Just pretend it is regular dating, it's hard to go wrong. If it feels wrong, it is wrong..

And add some gash pics!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 9

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:30:43 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

You mentioned that you spend about 3-4 weeks of talking before getting to set a meeting and then they vanish. One thing I found useful in more than one way was trying to meet sooner than that. Maybe a week or two. That way if they weren't going to ever show they'd out themselves much quicker and you'd not waste as much time in the process of getting to know them. Another thing is that for me, I get more attached the longer I know someone - I've spent more time and effort in the process. So it was useful for me to tweak my process to include quicker real time meetings.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 10

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:35:37 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi JB,

So, these guys that vanish.... where are they from? Far, far away? Are you in Spain? And they're not? Could that be the difficulty? Maybe the distance and expense is making them uneasy? Maybe you need to find local? Localish?

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 11

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:37:56 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

*Hugz* of course it is. It's not so much about finding the right partner...I know that could take some time but I'd like to stop this pattern. I thought by avoiding the sexual aspects I would avoid the online players, thst doesn't seem to be the case.

I've actually found that the Doms I have chosen only for the play factor have been much more honest then the ones I have chosen as potential RL partners.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 12

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:38:04 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I'm posting this here rather then "off topic" because I'm hoping some of the D/M's might be able to give me a little insight... although all comments from others are welcome.

My problem is that I've been attracting men who seem to want nothing more then the fantasy of a D/s relationship rather then the reality...the main problem being... they're not letting me in on this tidbit of information.

First, the men I respond to when approached on Cmail are articulate, polite, well educated and start from a vanilla position in conversation.

Since I don't have internet at home any chat or cam is done from a cafe so all we're doing is getting to know each other and playing isn't going to be an option.

From this point it goes to phone calls and text messages...while dynamics and sex are discussed it's more in the manner we would discuss things here on the boards then it is phone sex or text sex...in other words they're not getting much in the way of wank material...

I'm pretty much out of range of anyone's calling plan and took a little comfort from the fact that if they were willing to spend that much money on phone calls...they must be serious, wrong.

Three times now it's gotten to the stage where they were making plans to come over and meet after spending 3 to 4 weeks talking... and they vanish. You would think they'd at least pop over for a bit of fun first.

First, Is there something in my profile that's attracting these fantasists?

Second, What are they getting out of it? Wouldn't their time be better spent on someone who would give them a little wank material?

Maybe they just weren't that into you and changed their minds..

The fact that they just up and vanished could mean the same thing although to me it's not very domly and downright rude. Should have the guts to tell someone "I don't think it will work out. On more thought, I'm not sure we're compatible.".

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 13

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:41:14 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

in the end its pragmatism that gets in the way. it isnt you and it isnt youre profile, both are great!!

i think this is how it goes,..., you start chatting and having a good time, you share and talk about all of the things that Ds and BDSM does for you and they are enjoying you, youre company and the fun of it all but then reality kicks in and suddenly things like geography, time off work, reality of actually being able to get together enough, and an LDR relationship that would have to be mainly conducted by phone or on-line puts all the fun into perspective.

so then theyre in this situation where theyve had a great time with you, knowing all along that all of these things would be a factor only at first they didnt really think it through, so to then say 'but look, this is impossible long term' would just make them look a bit silly. so they add it all up and drop off the map - its unkind and a bit stupid of them, but i do think thats whats happening.

so, if this were me id start the whole thing off by saying from the begining - you realise im in spain and that geography might get in the way to start with, are you sure this is something youre willing to take all the way up to a meet - that will face them with the reality of the situation right from the get go.

its amazing how easy it is to flirt away and enjoy each others company before you suddenly realise that they live miles and miles away and in youre case at least an airoplane journey away.

it isnt you at all - just its the whirl of fun forgetting pragmatics for a bit.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 14

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:43:25 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

Good points.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 15

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:43:41 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I don't think I've ever received such an eloquent compliment... Thank you. *blush*

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 16

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:45:25 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

I said you completed me earlier and asked nicely for some cake...Maybe it's cause your rude!

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 17

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:47:44 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

As odd as this concept may seem to you Icarys, it ain't about you.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 18

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:48:05 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

What, and lose my "mystery"?

Thanks Jeff

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 19

RE: I'm so confused... - 6/4/2010 2:50:14 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

lizi, it would be wonderful to be able to meet for a simple coffee...but a man has to get on a plane to meet me...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 20

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