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RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:36:52 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

Another aspect of your post that concerns me is how do you actuallyshow firmness? Or your dominant nature? How does it manefest in day to day conversation without feeling forced or nagging?


Confidence and consistency is the key. Understanding the difference from brute force and compelling leadership is what separates boys from men. Know yourself and know your subject. Be able to determine how she responds to varying forms of stimuli. Balance positive reinforcement with correction when necessary. But always acknowledge effort; even when the results are less than you'd hoped for. You'll get it back in spades.

Show up everyday and be accountable. If you set the standard make sure you're maintaining it on your end. It's pretty fruitless to put something in place and become lackadaisical about its enforcement. Have fun. It's a journey. The metamorphosis isn't done. Best of luck.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:37:11 PM   
rickt42uk


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Maybe you didn't entirely understand my post. Maybe I didn't express it well.

You say one thing that encourages me. That is the implication that a Dom is allowed to have frailties.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:41:38 PM   
rickt42uk


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'd like to thank everyone who is posting, and hope that more people will chip in. I would like to explain that as posts come, I am looking at specific qualites and ideas that are mentioned and seeing how they fit with who I already am. It turns out that much of it does, though obviously certainly not all of it. It's reaffirming. Although I guess seeking reassurance is by nature not a dominant quality. One for me to work on!

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:45:12 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

Another aspect of your post that concerns me is how do you actuallyshow firmness? Or your dominant nature? How does it manefest in day to day conversation without feeling forced or nagging?
your post = WHOSE post?

How do *I* actually show firmness?  Reminds me that I forgot "tone of voice."  Some military training in my background taught me how to be firm (in lots of decible ranges. LOL!) and without hurting my voice.  So, there's a clue - in the military, one gets authority and responsiblity hand-in-hand.  I need not go into what happens when you get one without the other.  Has probably happened to all of us at work at least once.  (Focus, folks.... I've been group-Mod-slapped enuf in the past two day, thank you....)

Olay, so the s-type gives you authority over her.  It is matched by equal responsiblity on your part.  AND there's some trust built.  HOw you express your responsibilty and authority is where we get so many varities of D-types from.



_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:46:48 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

You say one thing that encourages me. That is the implication that a Dom is allowed to have frailties.



As we're being pedantic today Rick.......

'Most certainly does'....should usurp 'allowed'.

And perhaps it's a pertinent point for you......and will help to ensure your standards are achievable and you're comfortable with yourself (as opposed to a dilemma based on a pre-conceived notion that dominants are above weakness).

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 2:51:17 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

I'd like to thank everyone who is posting, and hope that more people will chip in. I would like to explain that as posts come, I am looking at specific qualites and ideas that are mentioned and seeing how they fit with who I already am. It turns out that much of it does, though obviously certainly not all of it. It's reaffirming. Although I guess seeking reassurance is by nature not a dominant quality. One for me to work on!

 
the alternative would be to arrogantly assume that everything you feel, think and do is uber-domly -

i think that what youre doing is comparing youreself against the dominant specimen as dictated by the manual written by UberLordAlmighty - found to be largely over inflated nonsense

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 3:17:35 PM   
rickt42uk


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

the alternative would be to arrogantly assume that everything you feel, think and do is uber-domly -

i think that what youre doing is comparing youreself against the dominant specimen as dictated by the manual written by UberLordAlmighty - found to be largely over inflated nonsense


I don't think it's nonsense to get different ideas of what people think and see how much and what I see in myself. I couldn't feel less domly much of the time, but having read that people have said...

• it's ok to have frailties
• it's important to be confident, polite, conduct yourself with dignity...
• it's important to be in tune with yourself
• that you really don't have to be a total dick
• that people agree with my original statement that dominance is love and caring

I should try to clarify my original point too. I'm my head until yesterday... Love, romance and compassion did not fit with dominance because to me, dominance fitted so intrinsically with kink, sex and fetish. To me, kink and fetish may benefit from a loving groundwork, but are not altogether linked to romance and a caring relationship. My new way of thinking is to entirely factor kink, sex and fetish out of the equation and to focus on the fact that dominance and love are actually the same thing. I'm not denying that the fact that a D/s relationship opens the possibility for kink, and let's face it, kink is a factor that is something we all enjoy within a D/s relationship. But it has many negative connotations largely down to the dicks who care only about their own gratification.

I feel as though I am growing today. It feels like an effort to keep this feeling inside my head, one of peace, contentment and self assurance. I hope it will feel more natural in time and that if I do end up on a relationship, these feelings will enable my sub to feel wholly safe, secure and able to appreciate everything I have.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 7:19:39 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I am not speaking about what is true or right but about how I tend to see dominants evolve in the scene.

They tend to be two sorts, the uber dom and the two nice dom.

Some never seem to change, neither tends to have really long relationships.

They tend to evolve a duality, adding in whatever other "half" they didn't start with and finding a place where they are comfortable with both. These are the ones who tend to create longer and more stable relationships.

(please note all the equivocations, meaning there are exceptions)

I am not a poster child for perfection but I have my good days. There are days I don't "do" anything dominant, I might spoil them with breakfast in bed, I might solicit their desires and fulfil them. Then some days I don't ask. Some days I pleasure them, other days I make them sob with tears. There are times everything is light and fluffy, other times it isn't.

When you are new, its hard to tell the difference between inconsistency and simply "living" it. I don't want to live a scripted life, if I feel like having them kneel they kneel, if I feel like holding hands and skipping down the street and being goofy, guess who is skipping down the street with me? Its one of those things that without seeing all of us together, the subtle interchanges, its hard to judge.



(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/6/2010 10:31:20 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Mastery is first of one's self.
Master both control and surrender within yourself.
Honor and respect is not gained by what you do to another person, but by who you ARE as a person.

Rather than dissociating your characteristics, work on integrating them into the whole of your being.
All aspects are within every person, it is a matter of degree, priority, and timing. Change is okay, since it is the nature of energy.

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 1:33:16 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		what i dont get and have never got is why people just cant be relaxed with who they are - whats with  *i should be more this and less that* - be you and find someone who likes you.

i can understand the whole business of getting to grips with youreself, ive done that ad nauseum and in there has been a learning curve with regard to learning to relinquish control, trust and all the rest of it - but you the person, whats with that - you are who you are, who you have evolved to be.

some people seem to put on this mantle and try to live up to some idea of what a dominant should be - im not sure about subs, ive never tried to have a relationship with a sub.  but all too often i have met up with a guy who creates this barrier against intimacy and naturalness in favour of some stiff, caricature of what they think a dominant should be - and ricki, thats what i meant about nonsense, i didnt mean that what youre doing is nonsense if you remember i commended you on this thread and the work youre putting in, trying to understand where you fit. 

just be youreself - if youre orientation is to be dominant then be youreself

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 3:40:06 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		rickt42uk,

You need to be reasonably in control of yourself to be in control of somebody else and be in control of a relationship. I express reasonably in control, because you have to keep in mind that you are a human being and you ain't perfect.

You need to be in touch with yourself, it's okay to surrender yourself to whatever feelings you are experiencing, however you need to maintain reasonable control over yourself. Again, I'm back to using the word "reasonable control" because you will fall short of perfection if you set yourself up on a pedalstal of expectations.

In regards to self control, people tend to couple that with Life choices as well. Such as smoking, diet and etc. Some people have a thang for spacing the clothes they hang in their closest exactly one finger width apart.

What's important is to figure out exactly what the hell you are trying or wanting to control in your life and yourself, besides just being the Dominant on the D side of the coin.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 4:30:54 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Rick,
Thank you for starting this thread. It is a refreshing read.
Good luck in your journey. By the way, please keep us posted. This is actually quite fascinating (for me) on this side of things.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 4:34:13 AM   
riptorian


Posts: 18
Joined: 12/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

Hi

This is a serious and important question and I need to be clear that I am separating all elements of kink and fetish from the essential way of being that is dominance.

I have been on CM for over 10 years, but have always struggled with my dominance, beleiving that there were two separate parts of me going on... a loving, caring and romantic vanilla element, and a dominant kinky part to me. I've suddeny had an epiphany that I've drawn the lines in completely the wrong way and that the two parts of me are actually, a highly compassionate and loving dominant, separate from my particular interests, kinks and sex drive.

Since realising this, it feels that I have a new inner strength, a new observant way of seeing the world and sensing things in a sharper focus. It feels like all the things within me have come together to produce a new person who makes so much more sense. It even feels that I have an invisible perception around me that was Always dulled before.

It's so incongruous to the insecurities that I've had. For years my idea of what a dominant is was clouded by the seemingly inextricable link with fetish and lifestyle, and the way that many twattish Doms treat women.

I now realise I don't know how to be a Dom, I don't know what that essential thing is within a Dom that makes someone comfortable to submit to them. It's not entirely confidence or attitude, but something I am struggling to define. It certainly doesn't mean treating a sub in some sort of bossy or underhand way. It's more about instilling confidence and trust. I don't know if it even affects how I should speak, but I know it has something to do with how I carry myself and see the world.

I don't even have a specific question about this to ask, but I know that I am becoming a better person for it, but I need to know more about what it truly means to love someone in a Dominant way. I don't think it involves being a cold and hard person, or even putting aside your issues or insecurities, but I know it has a lot to do with strength.

I need some sort of guidance from anyone who can understand what I'm talking about, though as I say, I am coming to many realisations on my own, and while I am welcoming the changes that are coming naturally to myself, cannot force any change to my behaviour or philosophy. I just think that knowing more about what t truly means to be dominant, I will fond more that resonates with who I already am and allow me to accept that part of myself completely, moving forward.


Just want to clarify I am rather new! As seen also by my post count :)

Thank you for this post. I can see a lot of myself in it. I came to the same realization as you did. Either you could control a sub by fear, lust etc. or you could do it by love and care, make her want to. After some thought I realized the control in having her do it, because she wanted to is a lot stronger. You can make ANYONE do anything, given enough fear and pressure. But it is a lot harder to get someone to do something because you help them realize they want to.(hard to explain properly, hope you catch my drift)

Regarding making being dominant. This to me at least is a tricky thing. I believe you can be dominant in many ways. I think it is a matter of finding a way to influence, guide and make your sub trust you. You choose the way you find most rewarding and beneficial for the situation. I find those 3 things very dominant characteristics in them self. Combined... well :) And as said I believe there are tons of way of doing this, I bet every dom got their own way. I agree with most here that being a dick is not the way to go.

As said again, it could all be a loud of bollocks, as I am not super experienced, so keep that in mind. :)


(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:21:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If what you're asking is what to do most submissive female see as attractive qualities in a dominant male, then the most common answer is a quiet confidence.

Beyond that, I myself define a worthwhile dominant as someone who wants the responsibilities as much as, if not more than, he/she wants the rights. And one who makes smart decisions almost all of the time. Because no smart person is going to allow someone with a bad track record to have power over them. So if you want to handle all the money in the relationship, you better demonstrate that you do keep on budget and don't spend all your money on toys. And so on.

Some are stern, some are not. That's personality, not dominance per se. If you're saying that in addition to your self identifying as a dominant, you also self identify as a sadist, those are separate traits. Saying you can't be a loving dominant because you also like giving out pain during sexually charged play situations is like saying you can't be a loving dominant because you like to play golf on the weekend. The two really are not mutually exclusive. Just as you don't practice long shots through the kitchen window, you also don't practice casual cruelties on your partner when they're in need of support.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:21:47 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk


I should try to clarify my original point too. I'm my head until yesterday... Love, romance and compassion did not fit with dominance because to me, dominance fitted so intrinsically with kink, sex and fetish. To me, kink and fetish may benefit from a loving groundwork, but are not altogether linked to romance and a caring relationship. My new way of thinking is to entirely factor kink, sex and fetish out of the equation and to focus on the fact that dominance and love are actually the same thing. I'm not denying that the fact that a D/s relationship opens the possibility for kink, and let's face it, kink is a factor that is something we all enjoy within a D/s relationship. But it has many negative connotations largely down to the dicks who care only about their own gratification.



Why would you think you can't have both? I mean if it's your thing to not want kink, it is, go for it. But to imply that kink is negative is a bit far-fetched. If it's the case that you are struggling with that side of you, I get that, many of us did. However, many of us have love-filled, kink-filled relationships and it's not remotely negative. You don't have to pick one or the other, you do have to pick a partner that has those same needs.

I think you might be focusing on the stereotype of what the internet garbage puts out about the fantasy Dom. That's not kink, it's crap. You will always be a human being that makes mistakes and has faults just like any other. Be you and find someone that likes you and has similar interests. It's really not all that special or different from regular relationships and wearing a Dom hat will never change who you are.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to rickt42uk)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:36:28 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		You forgot leather pants. You can't be a real Dom without leather pants.

And before you ask. no, chaps do not count!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:37:46 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

I almost always notice that I have drawn attention to my quiet dignity, my gravitas. (you can google it.)

Gotta go. Hope that helps.  Regards, Lance





So , Lance, your gravitas is so impressive it's googleable   -  i am impressed!

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:38:10 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		oh hush, you're just a dick all about your own gratification

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:39:10 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

oh hush, you're just a dick all about your own gratification


Well yeah...... what's your point?

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: The essence of a Dom - 6/7/2010 6:59:04 AM   
divi


Posts: 11109
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		I think one of the Dom's on CM should create a Dom Fragrance lol ...

seriously the threads on here just get more and more insane

_____________________________

( imho )

I really could use a wish right now

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Profile   Post #: 40
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