quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk


I should try to clarify my original point too. I'm my head until yesterday... Love, romance and compassion did not fit with dominance because to me, dominance fitted so intrinsically with kink, sex and fetish. To me, kink and fetish may benefit from a loving groundwork, but are not altogether linked to romance and a caring relationship. My new way of thinking is to entirely factor kink, sex and fetish out of the equation and to focus on the fact that dominance and love are actually the same thing. I'm not denying that the fact that a D/s relationship opens the possibility for kink, and let's face it, kink is a factor that is something we all enjoy within a D/s relationship. But it has many negative connotations largely down to the dicks who care only about their own gratification.

I feel as though I am growing today. It feels like an effort to keep this feeling inside my head, one of peace, contentment and self assurance. I hope it will feel more natural in time and that if I do end up on a relationship, these feelings will enable my sub to feel wholly safe, secure and able to appreciate everything I have.

quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

Another aspect of your post that concerns me is how do you actuallyshow firmness? Or your dominant nature? How does it manefest in day to day conversation without feeling forced or nagging?

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

nah lally there's just as many clueless with experience. I think we often take for granted on the forums that people here are intelligent, rational and reasonable in general. That's not necessarily true of life.

I don't get any feel that this OP means ill will at all. I think he's just looking for someone to tell him what and who to be and of course, that's silly, he should be who he is, as should we all.

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ORIGINAL: Jeffff

You forgot leather pants. You can't be a real Dom without leather pants.

And before you ask. no, chaps do not count!

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk

Another aspect of your post that concerns me is how do you actuallyshow firmness? Or your dominant nature? How does it manefest in day to day conversation without feeling forced or nagging?

This interests me.
I have been in a real time 24/7 relationship for five years, and it is the first such relationship i have ever had, so my perspective is a bit skewed (ok, caveat over). For me and my Sir, there was never any question that when he said something, that was the way it would be. If he wanted his coffee on a tray, the tray was the way to go.

And part of the reason that this is so, is because i wanted the relationship so badly. To be really honest it didn't occur to me that arguing was a possibility. What he wanted was a priority, pleasing him was what i wanted.  And what little inconvience it caused me was make up by what i got from the relationship - love , acceptance, joy, physical release, and the mental release from knowing i didn't have to worry about trying to please him because i knew what pleased him - he told me. I didn't have to try and avoid landmines that were invisible.

One thing that Sir did was when we first met he told me that i would have input into major decisions, but he would have last word, and that worked for me. There was never anything so important to me that i couldn't accept what he decided - and i always got to pick where we ate - lol

Admittedly, i'm 52, and have been through a bad marriage, so there are few things worth fighting about, for me.

We both felt that we were getting more out of the relationship than the other, and what a great way to find out if the relationship is good. I really felt that i was getting the best end of the deal and so did he.

One of the first things he told me was that what he said, went. And if i had a problem with that , then we had a problem. He also said he would never ask or do anything that would embarrass me in public or with my family, so really , all bases were covered. He also said he didn't like fighting and discord - and that suited me as well, since fighting makes me physically ill.

I think the laying down the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship established the way the relationship went, so, for me, i see that you need to know what sort of structure you want in your relationship, and be willing to consistently enforce it.  Checking in periodically is also important. The first time Sir asked me if i was still happy, i was a bit paniced - i thought he wasn't, but once i realised he was genuinely interested in what i had to say, i relaxed, and appreciated the heck out of the fact that our relationship was so important to him that he wanted to make sure it was good with me.

And in the end, unless your sub is a brat or your rules are unworkable, it comes down to the interaction between the two of you - how much she is willing to do to please you and how well you take care of her needs.

good luck on your journey -  and for the record, you sound like the sort of person who would interest me in a domly way - thoughtful, introspective, in a good way, and willing to learn what is needed. Any fool can swing a cane, but it takes a real man to examine the inside of his head lol.

quote:

ORIGINAL: rickt42uk
I want to know what makes a Dom, in the sense that he can walk into a room with a sub, and she can tell him for what he is and feel the ability to submit to him, even with no actual acts taking place between them.

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ORIGINAL: divi

please dont wear that lol

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ORIGINAL: Kana

She's my slave. I love her, but I'll hurt her. I'll push and pull and take her farther than she would willingly go of her own volition, and that's cool, because inside, deep down where her core is, she craves that and she needs to serve as much as I need to rule. I can be kind, I can be loving, I can also be cruel, selfish, cutting, but I'm not a dick, which makes all the difference in the world.