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ORIGINAL: jbcurious

So while I don't do the actual pursuing...it's very much a choice for me.

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ORIGINAL: domiguy

Missy you are not alone....Read these replies closely. Not one of these women are the pursuer.

They seem to be resigned to accept only those men that show an interest not to pursue those that they have an interest in.

They talk a nice game but the end result is not so different then what you have personally experienced.


Take care.

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ORIGINAL: reynardfox

You don't know if you are fish or fowl do you?
Give yourself a sabbatical until you are a little less bewildered you poor thing.

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

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ORIGINAL: Missokyst
I can't speak for others but I know there were definite fears of rejection that I've overcome. It's actually very empowering to be the captain of my own ship so to speak.

(in reply to porcelaine)

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ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I never actually pursue... but I will do things to me more noticable to someone I'm attracted to whether it's the simple act of flirting or my grand scheme in high school, which involved finding out all of his classes, getting out of mine a few minutes early, dashing across campus so we could "accidently" bump into each other, but I still need them to make the actual moves to start something.

On the other hand...I can't be talked into something simply because a man has decided he wants me and doesn't take no for an answer, I have to feel a pretty strong attraction...

I've done this in the past and it's never worked out in the long run and I'm left thinking that I should have gone with my initial instincts.

So while I don't do the actual pursuing...it's very much a choice for me.

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ORIGINAL: laurell3

If you were online looking only, maybe that would really limit your choices as the most active mailers tend to be people that may not be overly genuine. However, you're out there and actually meeting people in person. Whether you are actively striking up the conversation or just looking around and getting to know people, you are going to put off cues of interest whether you realize it or not.

I'm happy that you are getting out there and overcoming those fears and you have realized that you are ready for it. Kudos to you for taking that step, I know it's not an easy one. Do what is comfortable for you.

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ORIGINAL: lally2
- in other words, unless the decision is made for me ill just potter along in my own little way.

once the decision has been made, like with the relationship im in now, where we'd spent months and months just communicating occasionally because i was in and out of relationships like i was caught in a revolving door and once that i wasnt he stepped up and said 'right, lets do something with this already!' - up until then i was quite happy being foot loose and yapping to him whenever he blew through - and would have carried on that way indefinitely.

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ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Hmmm .......   so  the OP's modus operandi is to run until the strongest most persistant dragon in the sky can catch her. Well, if that works for her, good. Hopefully she enjoys the men that she ends up with, BUT......  if she doesn't then she needs to change the way she does things.  And that isn't easy.

Sounds to me OP- that the way you have decided to make your choice of men is (sort of) working for you.   I don't think this is a conscious decision by any manner of means- but you are missing out on a world of men who aren't as persistant/pushy/assertive/thick skinned/confident/desperate/insertadjectiveofchoicehere . Sometimes, when you step out of your comfort zone, you find the most amazing people, people you would never have found otherwise, as i did with my Sir.
He was not someone that i would have ever chosen out of a line-up, but we have had the most amazing life together. And even though it is coming to a close, i would not change a minute of it.

So, if you want to change the way you choose your men, think about why you need to be hunted down and conquered , why it is the strongest in the sky that is the only one that can have you.

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ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron

Its both. I love being pursued and I have 100% choice over who I allow to catch me. I think when women allow men to pursue we are separating the ones who really want us from the players. And notice I did say "allow" them to pursue. Because we can put on the brakes anytime we get ready to.

So if I am absolutely NOT interested in a guy I give him a firm NO. But if I AM interested I will say something like "I don't know if your my type" which is code for "I kinda like you but you need to convince me you are not an axe murderer."  If a guy gives up after an "I don't know" I don't think he really wanted me anyway.

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ORIGINAL: IronBear
What I'm reading through this thread is the question; Do you chase or wait to be chased (probably after berlying the waters to get the target's attention. Now I'm really a shy sort of chap, who from an early age had issues dealing with rejection ergo don't put yourself in the position of being rejected (better to be the ejector than the ejectee). Once I had figured the female hunting game was to attract a male's attention from across the room, and then ignore him so he would be biologically driven to make the moves (chase), I chose to reverse this process and turn the tables on women I was attracted to (or lusted after). I discovered that a women often can not stand being ignored which is what I would do after the eye catching and smiling across a crowded room thing. I'd be sitting drink in hand obviously alone and waiting for my prey to approach.. VWEG  Well bugger me dead but it jolly well worked for years it worked consistently. I made a decision and chose to invite the lady to decide if she wanted to choose me.

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ORIGINAL: heartcream

I have done both. I have had a guy show interest and then shown it back, or not. And I have basically thrown myself at men too.

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ORIGINAL: graceadieu

Having a Dom try to "claim" me or pursue me really aggressively sounds like a hot fantasy, but in RL that approach is a big turn-off for me.

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ORIGINAL: ranja

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ORIGINAL: heartcream

I have done both. I have had a guy show interest and then shown it back, or not. And I have basically thrown myself at men too.

ah... yes, unfortunately i vaguely remember i have thrown myself at a few men too... in my case i can hardly sell that as being in pursuit though... looking back i seemed more than desperate and quite mad really (or totaly drunk)

also SB: i have said 'no' and meant it... unfortunately the guy thought he knew better... and it turned out a nasty memory... for both of us i am sure
i suppose there are nicer situations in which 'no' means 'yes please', but i think it is very very dodgy to take liberties like this before you properly know your partner.

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ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I've never actively sought a relationship, other than for a specific play experience. It's always been something that evolved organically over time and then a recognition of what it was.

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ORIGINAL: LadyCimarron
Its both. I love being pursued and I have 100% choice over who I allow to catch me. I think when women allow men to pursue we are separating the ones who really want us from the players.