quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
What I'm reading through this thread is the question; Do you chase or wait to be chased (probably after berlying the waters to get the target's attention. Now I'm really a shy sort of chap, who from an early age had issues dealing with rejection ergo don't put yourself in the position of being rejected (better to be the ejector than the ejectee). Once I had figured the female hunting game was to attract a male's attention from across the room, and then ignore him so he would be biologically driven to make the moves (chase), I chose to reverse this process and turn the tables on women I was attracted to (or lusted after). I discovered that a women often can not stand being ignored which is what I would do after the eye catching and smiling across a crowded room thing. I'd be sitting drink in hand obviously alone and waiting for my prey to approach.. VWEG  Well bugger me dead but it jolly well worked for years it worked consistently. I made a decision and chose to invite the lady to decide if she wanted to choose me.

I don't pretend to know how other people's minds work, so I suppose it's possible that you're right about how some women "can not stand" being ignored because their expectations are for male pursuit.  For me, the moves you describe making are the only ones that can get my interest, but it's not because I can't stand being ignored and not pursued, it's because I am only attracted to men who are shy and who prefer to be pursued.  A man who shows his interest and then turns shy and invites me to do the pursuing, willingly becoming my prey and my prize, is one that does catch my interest.  I'll have that dance with him, and decline to dance with men who approach me, because they're flagging the wrong colors.

Though it's interesting that you're a dominant.  Most of the men I've seen do these kinds of behaviors are submissive.  Presumably chase or be chased is one more dynamic that is not necessarily tied strictly to one side of the kneel.

quote:

Porcelaine said:
I'm generally drawn to the one that knocks me off kilter who refuses to play the game. Someone who's character and presence don't necessitate such antics. He knows himself and challenges me to do the same. We don't hide behind roles or pretenses, but relate openly instead.

quote:

IronBear Said:
but my one failing in this sence is I still never believe i am attractive to women.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

As am I. Strength, honesty, honor, integrity, courage... those are the things I need in a partner. How predictable that you and I would see this in similar terms. There's a reason we like each other *chuckles*.

quote:

What I saw was a woman able to be honest with herself and with me. A person who was courageous enough to be vulnerable. Those 4 words of hers were what lit her up on my radar as someone who might be a life partner for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear


I've heard this before too. It has surprised some women who were dominant in nature (not kinky though). Perhaps part of my shyness, stemed from as a child I was surrounded by powerful, dominant people who were over achievers and just believed I could never stand as their equal. It may even have been the reason I chose professions with high physical risk trying to prove my worth. Along the way, I learned to overcome low self esteem and deal with the sundry elements attached to it. I would say though my 5 years in 'Nam helped me develop and grow up much faster and more efficiently that possibly I would have normally. I'll hold my own socially and in most other areas of life but my one failing in this sence is I still never believe i am attractive to women and fail completely to read the signs indication they are interested in me (or I fall into the trap of dithering with the question" Am I seeing what is there or what I want to be there?) When I decide to explore usually it has been too late and the windor of oportunity gone. Similarly, I'm an empath and so many people who know me can not understand how I survived the years in combat zones with the pain and suffering and stayed sane. My comment has been "Who said I was sane to start with?"

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

When a man approaches you, how much is your choice, and how much is his decision (aka pursual).

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Missy you are not alone....Read these replies closely. Not one of these women are the pursuer.

They seem to be resigned to accept only those men that show an interest not to pursue those that they have an interest in.

They talk a nice game but the end result is not so different then what you have personally experienced.


Take care.

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

Every time you let someone make a choice/decision for you, you have made a choice/decision

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

It's one strategy, completely valid and workable for you.  Nothing wrong with it.

Personally I can't stand being pursued aggressively.  A guy tries that kind of move with me and he's out of my life.  It's an instant no-chemistry turnoff for me, almost like he's the wrong gender.  Guys go totally off my radar when they act like that; from then on maybe we can be friends if he backs off, but there's never going to be any romantic interest for me.  If they don't respect that and stop pursuing, then there's not going to be any relationship at all because then they've crossed into "total asshole" or even "stalker" territory. 

Now if a man can make himself available and authentically vulnerable, clearly interested in being pursued but just a bit shy, he can get my ears perking right up.  That's yummy to me, and it wakes up the primal predator in my nature.  So he's likely to get pounced if he's sent enough clear signals of consent.  It can be a delicate dance, but the guys who can do it and not step over the line are very desirable to me.

Ultimately a relationship or even a hookup has to be both people's choice, or it's called rape (or at the least, coercion) and it's not consensual.  I need to be the pursuer in order to get interested, but I also need him to make his own interest and consent reasonably clear in subtle ways.  If he doesn't, I won't keep pushing, because I don't want to be the asshole. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

Every time you let someone make a choice/decision for you, you have made a choice/decision

What's the old song line, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Yep and even involuntary actions are the result of a decision/choice such as peeing or having a crap ~~~ You decider to pee and choose where to pee. You decide it's time to crap and choose where to or on whom you will crap.  

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

To use LA's terminology, I think that the concepts of "choice" and "consent" work out really well for people who are dom/sub by relationship orientation. I think they are less applicable for those who are dom/sub by personality. I think when the personality spread becomes large enough, then those concepts become misleading at best and dangerous at worst.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
Okay, this is a personal one for you and I. Do you recall the question you presented last week? Why? Surely you know that my current status isn't due to lack or an inability to find what I seek. Not exactly. It's a choice. Now we can spin this thing a million ways but in the end the truth is what it is.