ownedbyPF
Posts: 126
Joined: 2/18/2010 Status: offline
|
Gosh, this is a good one! I know I was always open to letting go because I wanted to be able to, but the fear came, for me, in making certain I was letting go to a Man worthy of letting it go to. I wanted to be wide open, splayed, vulnerable, seen utterly and completely, but really, who do you trust that to? I don't think I put up walls. No, I did put up walls and make it harder on myself once upon a time. At some point though I realized that I couldn't want one thing and block it at the same time. So instead I broached it from being actively willing to let go, while evaluating who I let go to. I asked better questions. I evaluated answers, actions, and my responses. I tried to always be honest with that person and with myself. When I met my Master I was at a good place. I knew what I wanted and what I offerred. So we talked, and talked, and talked. I remained always open... open both to Him, as well as open to the possibility that He may not be all He was cracked up to be. I put things out there, guaged His response, felt safe and moved on to the next level/moment of vulnerability. Open, yet realistically braced :) It was a process. I kept taking the next step, making sure that the floor beneath my feet really was made of concrete, not a sheet of paper that would leave me in a free fall. He held my hand the whole way, kept reassuring me the floor wouldn't give way, and at some point I realized that the floor really was as solid as He claimed it to be. I stopped stepping cautiously and just kept moving. I have found there is a second part of letting go that would never have occurred to me. There are moments, even now, after a few years of living together and being all in, where I suddenly discover I've let go of something I didn't even realize I was holding onto. It's amazing. Suddenly I feel some layer slough off and I can stand there and think... wow, I didn't even know that was there. I couldn't see it until it was peeled off of me and left on the floor for me to look at in bewilderment. I can't recall a defining moment, but I do know that at some point I realized it was my responsibility to at least be brave enough to put my foot out and take the step. It was His responsibility to make sure I didn't regret that step. ~s
|