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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 10:27:34 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

I was just outside thinking about this a bit more, and I'm surprised that no one mentioned this idea yet.  Perhaps the other person is thinking the exact same things.

It's widely known that we are our own harshest critics, and every fault we see in ourselves is magnified exponentially, simply because we are constantly seeing it because it is us.  But to the other person, we're just as 'flawless' and 'the perfect person for them', and they're asking "What can this person see in me."



Or maybe we don't go through this at all. I know some people do, but really, it isn't a universal thing.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 10:28:31 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Well, with friends, I'm fine with discussing a variety of topics with different people. I can discuss string theory and black holes with an astrophysicist and animals with a toddler, and enjoy both conversations. I don't dumb myself down, but I do try to use vocabulary that the specific person I'm talking to will understand.

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 10:29:21 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JhonDean

quote:

How I deal with it? I thank her every day for loving me. I do my best to be worthy of her and I trust in her love to make up the difference between what I can deliver and what she deserves.


I find your comment incredibly insightful and grounded.
Throughout all of life, we walk a many crossroads path and rarely allow others access to the corridors of our mind. However, you openly share a truth that I believe escapes dominants, especally, the female dominant.



You are generalizing JhonDean. This might be your experience, but it isn't mine nor is it what I've witnessed.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 10:52:26 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir
It's widely known that we are our own harshest critics, and every fault we see in ourselves is magnified exponentially, simply because we are constantly seeing it because it is us.  But to the other person, we're just as 'flawless' and 'the perfect person for them', and they're asking "What can this person see in me."
bingo. Kind of. yes there is a perspective issue that needs to be understood but much more importantly there's a question about negativity. Yup, as I said, Carol has a whole raft of faults and I'm pretty acutely aware of each and every one of them. I do to. Honestly, we don't spend a lot of time thinking about how flawed we are. We think about how happy the other person makes us and even more importantly, how rewarding it is to make the other person happy. I'm routinely grateful that I can put a smile on Carol's face every day because I think she deserves one. She thinks putting a smile on my face is rewarding enough to justify becoming my property.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 11:07:48 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm better in some areas than he is, in others he's better. When I feel, or he does 'intimidated' (although this isn't really the right word) it's because I'm so used to my areas of expertize that I don't feel they're special while I do feel his areas are special. And vice versa.

How to deal with it? Talk about it and make sure to compliment them frequently on what they do well while they do the same in re what you do well. Realize that to them, you're pretty special also. But you need that feedback from them to see yourself in that positive light.


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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 11:13:43 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
How to deal with it? Talk about it and make sure to compliment them frequently on what they do well while they do the same in re what you do well. Realize that to them, you're pretty special also. But you need that feedback from them to see yourself in that positive light.


How amazing that the simplest solutions seem to be the most elusive ones, no?  But I couldn't agree more with this sentiment here. :)


And leadership527, I am absolutely loving the input you have on this thread here.  Sounds like someone has, as they say, 'been there, done that'.   Not that it's a bad thing.  I firmly believe that no experience is inherently 'bad' as long as one learns and grows from it. :)


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 3:56:18 PM   
VaguelyCurious


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Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

One of those, "I know people do it, but, how can they let themselves do that?" kind of things.
Because they are people-they want attention, interaction, information, validation, entertainment, whatever-that's how people communicate.

It's just that sometimes they miss that the other person doesn't want to interact, inform, validate or entertain right this second...


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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 4:17:25 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I'm seeing the cross over and integration between the word Awe (awesome, stand in awe etc), and intimidate. The problems arises I believe, because of the break down in education. Oft people don't write with a dictionary handy (if they even own one) and if we don't understand the meaning of a word, it becomes hard to use it or even understand it correctly.

I stand in awe of quite a few folks here.. Mercnbeth and Lady Angelika to name just two of the many. At times we are on opposing benches and at others we are in accord, this is good and healthy, but I am never intimidated by them. The Gods only know how many slaves I am in  awe of (mind you they are also the ones I want to collar even though they are owned). Been in real fear of my safety or my life by people but the only person who intimidated me was my late Father and him I loved and respected as I have none other.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 4:49:14 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		A good point I.B., one which I was wanting to address as well.  As far as being in awe of a person, including a wonderful s-type, that I certainly understand, as well as the term intimidate.  Very different indeed, but both very valid and even understandable in a way.

I'm wondering if the issue comes from a different type of 'intimidation' and it being confused with the more traditional idea of such a feeling.  Let's take what I gave as an example in the beginning, such a person being in my life perchance.  Of course I would be in awe of that person.  To my way of thinking, that's only natural.  Like being in awe, standing and watching the glory and splendor of the northern lights, being amazed by the sheer brilliance and beauty.  One can't really help it.  But at the same time, let's say that I'm also intimidated by this person.  Not because they're 'strong' or 'powerful' either in stature or personality, but because of the same reasons I'm in awe of them.  Intimidated by an idea really.  Intimidated by the idea that they're just so much better, so stunning that they could do nothing but hurt you in the end because something deep inside is saying 'you don't deserve someone so wonderful'.  Sort of a moth to the flame syndrome, if that makes sense.

I guess that would boil back down to being a bit of a self confidence thing in the end, but that's not really the point of where I'm going with this particular thought at the moment. :)

Essentially, what I'm getting at there is that 'awe' and 'intimidation' are two very different things, and both stand on their own with great power, they don't necessarily need to be mutually exclusive either.


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 4:58:15 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Agreed. This is why I was in awe of my Father and his Father both as men and as (at separate time frames) as Mages and Grand Masters of my Lodge together with my Father's business abilities and his absolute ruthlessness in getting things done which others said was impossible and yet was intimidated by him by that ruthlessness and logic. It can make a young person feel he will never be able to stand as an equal with such persons and feel the need to keep proving himself using such a person as a role model . . 

< Message edited by IronBear -- 6/13/2010 5:00:48 PM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to BKSir)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:11:26 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I do understand what you are saying BK, but you do deserve it and only you would know why you felt that way (if you even do..the thread says it's not about you, but the opinions you are expressing show you are feeling the described feeling. No offense if I am misreading).

I can honestly tell you that I personally have an irrational fear of abandonment that has nothing to do with self-esteem and everything to do with history that I have to counter and recognize and move past. That feeling may not necessarily be linked to the usual concept of self-esteem or focusing on negatives at all. That presumption is ungodly common here.

I think I would use the word appreciation instead of intimidation personally. Do I have moments where I absolutely am moved and appreciate having somone in my life and think how did I get so lucky? Absolutely. Do I have worries that I may not be as fulfilling and to them as they are to me at times? Yes, absolutely. I am human. We all are and I'm not really sure having a healthy does of self-critical thinking is as detrimental as many want to say. The fall back position seems to always be "ah...low self-esteem", everyone has things they struggle with, EVERYONE and the mantra is dismissive of the reality of humanity in many instances in my opinion.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:20:48 PM   
BentUnit


Posts: 897
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

I do understand what you are saying BK, but you do deserve it and only you would know why you felt that way (if you even do..the thread says it's not about you, but the opinions you are expressing show you are feeling the described feeling. No offense if I am misreading).

I can honestly tell you that I personally have an irrational fear of abandonment that has nothing to do with self-esteem and everything to do with history that I have to counter and recognize and move past. That feeling may not necessarily be linked to the usual concept of self-esteem or focusing on negatives at all. That presumption is ungodly common here.

I think I would use the word appreciation instead of intimidation personally. Do I have moments where I absolutely am moved and appreciate having somone in my life and think how did I get so lucky? Absolutely. Do I have worries that I may not be as fulfilling and to them as they are to me at times? Yes, absolutely. I am human. We all are and I'm not really sure having a healthy does of self-critical thinking is as detrimental as many want to say. The fall back position seems to always be "ah...low self-esteem", everyone has things they struggle with, EVERYONE and the mantra is dismissive of the reality of humanity in many instances in my opinion.


I think I'm developing a Lady Crush on you Sweetheart!

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:28:42 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Carol's got a whole raft of faults and I've had 15 years to learn them all... oft-times being on the receiving end of them. And you know what? She STILL intimidates me. She is more than I deserve and more than I can ever hope to deserve. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that.

How I deal with it? I thank her every day for loving me. I do my best to be worthy of her and I trust in her love to make up the difference between what I can deliver and what she deserves.



Jeff?... after 15 years of marriage, you and Carol have a history.

It's not the same thing as having an interest in someone new.

You get to thank her for loving you. In the OP, they haven't gotten anywhere near that.

_____________________________

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:38:30 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Agreed. This is why I was in awe of my Father and his Father both as men and as (at separate time frames) as Mages and Grand Masters of my Lodge together with my Father's business abilities and his absolute ruthlessness in getting things done which others said was impossible and yet was intimidated by him by that ruthlessness and logic. It can make a young person feel he will never be able to stand as an equal with such persons and feel the need to keep proving himself using such a person as a role model . . 


Actually... that last part there.  I'm wondering if that might not be able to be brought into this whole thought.  An s as a role model to a d.  For all logical purposes, shouldn't that be all but impossible?  Isn't it kind of in the 'job description' that the d is the role model for the s?  How would that work, would you think, for the d to look up to his/her s in that manner, as a role model while at the same time being an effective d?  To play devil's advocate here, wouldn't that be considered somewhat of an oxymoron, perhaps even paradoxical?

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
I do understand what you are saying BK, but you do deserve it and only you would know why you felt that way (if you even do..the thread says it's not about you, but the opinions you are expressing show you are feeling the described feeling. No offense if I am misreading).


Close...  I would say I'm more on the 'awe' side, and not really 'intimidated' by this person, although very certainly 'impressed'.  It actually came about by that though, thinking about it some, that for one to be 'intimidated' in this situation could be very possible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff
Jeff?... after 15 years of marriage, you and Carol have a history.

It's not the same thing as having an interest in someone new.

You get to thank her for loving you. In the OP, they haven't gotten anywhere near that.


Yep.  good point there.  Going back to the example, this is definitely a 'now' kind of thought.  If using myself as a person in the example, I'm sure that no matter how wonderful they seem now, 15 years down the road there would definitely be a point (probably nearer to the first year-ish) that what faults may be there would become obvious.


< Message edited by BKSir -- 6/13/2010 5:41:54 PM >

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

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RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:42:34 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Do you really emotionally look at your relationship in terms of role?

I'm not suggesting it's bad if you do, mind you, but I don't and it's an interesting concept/question to me. I love because I love, not because of role.

Is the feeling of imbalance/intimidation/whatever because you see the roles askew?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to BKSir)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:46:39 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Oooh, interesting question there Laurell.  I agree with Jeffff, I like you. 

I personally don't, not solely at least.  With my Dear One, he was my pet, that's for sure, but, there was no doubt that I loved him beyond life itself, and neither had any bearing on the other, and in ways I did look up to him.  But I do know that there are relationships out there... here on this site and many not here, that are simple d/s dynamic, nothing more.


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:49:48 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		She might be "better" than me...:)

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:51:24 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

She might be "better" than me...:)


Aww, hell no.  You're an anteater.  I've heard tales of what you guys can do with tongues that long.


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:52:46 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

She might be "better" than me...:)


My appreciation for that statement is overwhelming. Thank you.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Intimidated by your s-type? - 6/13/2010 5:56:24 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Hell, one of My boys was exceptionally good looking, one of the smartest people that I've ever met, and I was darn near embarrassed by the differences in our education levels.  I wouldn't exactly say I was intimidated, but I sure wondered why in the world he chose to serve Me when he literally could have been the boy of any Domme in Atlanta.  Oh yeah.  That meant he traveled to Me on top of everything else.  One time, in the middle of the night in the pouring rain for the three hour trip because he was literally that type of devoted.

I wasn't intimidated, but I wondered why.  In the end, it didn't really matter.  If he hadn't wanted to be with Me, he wouldn't have.

You might want to think about that last sentence.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 60
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