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RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 9:29:25 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

A friend just sent an email saying his wife has started throwing knives at him during arguments. I want to be helpful, but I can't stop laughing.  What should he do?


Introduce her to a professional knife thrower who will help her improve her aim.
 
How can I train myself to get out of bed earlier in the morning?

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to feylin)
Profile   Post #: 241
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:01:18 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

How can I train myself to get out of bed earlier in the morning?


Hire a Death Metal band to come to your house and set up their equipment in your bedroom. Tell them what time you want to wake up and let them act as the alarm clock for a while.


I keep having nightmares of falling. Is there something hidden in the meanings and is there a way to stop this from happening?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 242
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:09:18 AM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Dreams involving falling mean that you like ferris wheels. In the Rem phase you get the feeling of falling in your dreams, because you are subconsciously on a ferris wheel in your dream and on the "coming down"  part of the ride.

How to stop this? Don't sleep more than 1/2 hour at a time. Set your alarm clock for 1/2 hours sleep, then get up for an hour, repeat this process until it is time to get up for the day.


Over in another thread I took a test that said I should have brown eyes, but mine are green. Is there something wrong with me? If so, how can I fix it?
                    mbmbn

< Message edited by maybemaybenot -- 4/16/2006 10:10:54 AM >

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 243
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:14:45 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		Yes, having green eyes instead of brown means you're a hippy and smoke too much pot.  That, or some joker snuck up on you in the middle of the night and replaced your eyes with his, as he wanted to avoid the pot smoking hippy stigma as well.

Just wander around the shelters until you find someone with brown eyes, knock them out, and switch eyes again.

My phone won't stop ringing, and it's taking away from my creativity.  What can I do?

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to maybemaybenot)
Profile   Post #: 244
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:29:10 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My phone won't stop ringing, and it's taking away from my creativity.  What can I do?


Strap pillows around your head, covering your ears. Get a large garbage bag and fill it with styrofoam packing peanuts. Place your head in the bag and duct tape the bottom of the bag shut around your neck. This should insulate the sound from being a bother.


I am running out of soap. Is there something else I can use instead?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 245
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:35:21 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		I always make my own soap!  It's actually quite easy. 
You need:
1 gallon gasoline
2 pounds flour
1 pound sugar

Take the gasoline, and gently warm it in the microwave.  To ensure even temperature, put a metal spoon in it.

Mix in the flour and sugar, put in a square dish and allow to set.

Cut into shapes of choice.  Ta da!  Soap!

I keep losing the page in my book.  How do I stop that?

Yours,

benji



_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 246
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:47:13 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I keep losing the page in my book.  How do I stop that?

Yours,

benji



I'd give up reading and watch TV instead.  Then you never have to worry about losing your page.

I have this free-loading relative who came to visit, now I can't get rid of him.  I have hinted politely, but he doesn't get it.  Any suggestions?

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 247
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 10:54:21 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		If he's sleeping on the couch, get rid of it.  If he has a guest room, turn it into your German folk music testing room.  No, you can't turn it off, otherwise the world will never know the long term effects of Oompapa music on dust bunnies.

My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)
Profile   Post #: 248
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 11:07:18 AM   
zebra


Posts: 64
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline 		My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?


Complain a lot...a wicked lot...to your ISP. Tell them their cruddy software isn't working and you're coming over there to cram a motherboard down their throats. They'll be so scared that they''ll push the button in the office that makes this problem go away. jUST DON'T THING IT WAS ANYTHING YOU DID WRONG!

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 249
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 11:19:38 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		How can we keep people jumping in without understanding the concept of the game?

Yours,


benji

PS:  The purpose of this thread is to give the previous poster REALLY HORRIBLE advice, then ask someone else for advice.  It's mostly geared to sadomasochists, who can take it and give it. 

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to zebra)
Profile   Post #: 250
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 11:45:35 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:



My CAPS LOCK KEEPS turning itself on.  How CAN i KEEP IT from happening?

Yours,


benji


You have a ghost in your machine. You must pay out thousands of dollars to an Exorcist and have it exorcised immediately. If you don't have thousands of dollars, run over the Home Depot and buy a cheap hammer. Take said hammer and strike the shift lock key with it repeatedly until the problem goes away.

My wedding ring gets scratched because of all the house work I do. I don't want to take it off just because I'm cleaning. What should I do?

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 251
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 1:26:59 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My wedding ring gets scratched because of all the house work I do. I don't want to take it off just because I'm cleaning. What should I do?


This is easy. Remove your hand before cleaning and after you are done, replace your hand.


The hinges squeek on my bedroom door and it bothers me. What can I use to stop that?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 252
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 2:52:11 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		Board up the door...what do you need a bedroom for anyway?

How can I keep the stairs from becoming a " catch-all"  for all the things that belong on the other floor of the house?

< Message edited by ChainedExistence -- 4/16/2006 2:53:09 PM >

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 253
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 2:57:30 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Weld the hinges together with an acetyline torch making sure to properly close the door 1st so both hinge plates are welded tightly together .

I have bad short term memory and my Mistress tells me i am low on RAM, what should i do? 

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 254
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 3:07:21 PM   
FullCircle


Posts: 5713
Joined: 11/24/2005
Status: offline 		Shove a DIMM up your nose.

I’m starting to run out of storage space for CD-RW’s what can I do?

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∞ ﮒuקּƹɼ ƾɛϰưϫԼ Ƨωιϯϲћ.

(in reply to twicehappy)
Profile   Post #: 255
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 4:35:24 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I’m starting to run out of storage space for CD-RW’s what can I do?


They make really good hot pads for the dinner table, and if company is coming always lay them with the printed side up, they'll be very impressed.

I'm having problems keeping the filters in my hot tub clean.. any ideas?

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to FullCircle)
Profile   Post #: 256
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 7:21:53 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm having problems keeping the filters in my hot tub clean.. any ideas?


Sure, remove them. Who needs silly filters anyway?


I really wonder if clipping coupons actually saves money. Does anyone know? What coupons should I take to the store?

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 257
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 7:27:38 PM   
feylin


Posts: 182
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		oops. <smacks head on desk>

< Message edited by feylin -- 4/16/2006 7:28:42 PM >

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 258
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 7:48:36 PM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		No.  Coupons are environmentally unfriendly.  You should take all of them to a city park and bury them about 2 feet apart, under Dutch Elms, so they can grow into trees again.

I want a drink, but have no liquor at home.  HELP!

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to feylin)
Profile   Post #: 259
RE: Really, Really Bad Advice - 4/16/2006 7:51:29 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		go to a local bar and hit on everyone, then drink THEIR drinks

i have too many books in the house. What should i do with them all?

< Message edited by MyCaptainsPet -- 4/16/2006 7:52:38 PM >

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 260
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