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Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 10:41:08 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This is a revisit of a concept brought up just a little under a year ago by slavekal. The original thread that he started can be found here: http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2768468&key=sub%2Cmales%2Creally%2Ctrying

I was at a munch this past Saturday. The munch that I attend is followed by a play party at another location. During the dinner portion of the evening, the custom is to go around the room and introduce yourself. Your name, how you identify (top, bottom, switch, Master, sub, whatever), and how long you've been attending. This particular month, we had about forty people in attendance, with four of those attending for the first time.

At the end of this, one of the very long term members wanted to poll the room to ask how many Dominant women at dinner that night were seeking others. She did this because she often spoke with folks via the internet and the communications that she had with them that they felt that there weren't many Dommes available. For the curious, the answer was six.

Later, at the play party, one of the other Dominant women was talking with the group about how fed up she was with submissive males who don't show at events. How they are all promises during electronic communications, but they just don't seem to have the follow through. We all know that story.

The point of this, as well as some conversations that have been held on various threads this week, is that I want to revisit the question posed some time back:

Sub males, what are you actively doing to meet a Dominant woman? Is your profile filled out? Do you attempt to make contacts? Do you go to your local munch or attend events? Are you being pro-active in your goal of meeting a Dominant woman?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 11:14:30 AM

curiouskitten8

Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline

I've met alot of single Dommes at munches and what not as well. Seems odd.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 11:22:12 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Sub males, what are you actively doing to meet a Dominant woman? Is your profile filled out? Do you attempt to make contacts? Do you go to your local munch or attend events? Are you being pro-active in your goal of meeting a Dominant woman?

YES!

I'm being 'Bratty'! Hoping that some strong female will come and 'inspire' me to submit, who will appreciate the strength I have as a submissive man and 'tame' me to serve them - and only them - in the manner and style of true dominance. I am dominant in all other aspects of my life - a strong man managing many in my work environment. I'm waiting for that one special woman who I can come too after a long day of dominance and melt into their arms.

I am a BRAT! I refuse to be a doormat letting submitting to everyone at all times. I am a strong willed, opinionated man. If these so called 'Dommes' can't deal with my nature it is their loss. I am being considered by a number of on-line Dommes and have had at least 20 deep, long term relationships over the past 6 months proving that if you don't compromise and submit to just anyone, there are confident secure woman in the world who love me and can deal with a strong willed submissive.

I have no need of the weaklings who see me as intimidating and threatening to their 'Domly-ness'; just because they are not woman enough to tame me. I am NOT inspired by them so I am actively mocking them out along with any man willing to serve them in that manner.

I know what I want and will only submit to a woman prepared to provide it for me!

No wait a minute...that wasn't me.....just a male representation of what is acceptable reasonable behavior for females that was the last thread I read.....guess the mirror only casts a negative reflection on a similar reflection if a penis is involved.

Sorry about that!

See you Saturday LP!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 11:33:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It actually doesn't have anything to do with that, Merc. What I will say is this. There are a heck of a lot more threads started out there by submissive males who claim that they can't find a Dominant woman, rather than by female submissives saying they can't find what they are looking for. I'm interested in what efforts they are really making.

Being as someone who had a policy of trying to meet within a certain amount of time before you met beth, I would have to think that you see My logic on this.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 4

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:09:52 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

My spring was busy yet unproductive. My local scene being quite small, I thought I'd take full advantage of a full month I spent this spring in San Francisco.

I must say, I can't say it was a positive experience overall. One man I met was very sweet, but very, very new and quite unsure of what he was seeking. The other was the first criminally violent person I've met in the scene, and I'm just glad I made it away as intact as I am. Then there were dozens of guys who seemed so very interested in me when I was far away, some of whom I'd known on a casual basis online for months and even years, yet who made themselves scarce indeed once I'm actually there in their city and ready and willing to meet for coffee.

Since I've come home I've scaled back my search some, as issues elsewhere in my life take precedence for now. My search just now is limited to getting to know dominant men online, and ideally if there's some level of compatibility, arranging to meet. If I read a profile I like, I'll write and let a man know my appreciation and interest. In general I'll answer most messages more detailed than "Wanna cyber!?"

So, I'll freely admit I'm not putting my all into my search just now, but I can't say things have been much more productive when I treated it like a full-time job, either.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:11:00 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

PS: I realize I don't count as seeking a domme, but I thought I'd answer as it's a male sub's perspective none the less. :)

(in reply to WestBaySlave)

Post #: 6

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:13:00 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Being as someone who had a policy of trying to meet within a certain amount of time before you met beth, I would have to think that you see My logic on this.

I see your logic. I don't find fault in it taken in totality. The fault is applying it to the pool of potential partners which would require facts not in evidence and contrary to the results experienced. Based upon your OP, I'd say the fallacy is confirmed.

What fallacy?

The fallacy that everyone representing themselves (male or female) as submissive IS submissive.

That reality dovetails into to setting a very limited time period from contact to meeting. The investment of time, emotions, and energy is not a good idea when, as you say, with access and in a direct contact those representing themselves 'submissive' stay in the shadows if they show up at all.

LP - I've found in the most part it's the 'IDEA' of being submissive (or dominant) that attracts people. That was, by far, the biggest group of people from my days of search. The next biggest batch, were those who wanted to experience the sensation side of the 'submissive' or 'dominant' activities. Not representing those experiences as 'bad' or 'good'; in fact without exception most were a lot of FUN! However, deliberately or as a consequence of experiencing the 'sensations' the nuances along with the emotional/mental 'non-sensation' aspects of D/s weren't for them.

The meeting process and the resulting discussions and disclosures established the relationship criteria; pure S&M physical play, friendship, 'fuck-buddy', whatever.

quote:

There are a heck of a lot more threads started out there by submissive males who claim that they can't find a Dominant woman, rather than by female submissives saying they can't find what they are looking for.

I don't think there is a male/female difference except as it exists in every other male/female physical encounter - acceptance and access. I've not been part of any 'bar scene' for a long time, but I'd hazard to guess if an equal number of horny men and woman went into a bar the men would have to put a lot more energy and market themselves a hell of lot more than any woman would to accomplish the same goal. I see no difference or exemption of that result when 'submission' is involved.

There is no pragmatic gender equality of access to a partner willing to 'scratch' your particular itch. Perhaps as another thread represents, female 'Pros' may be barely making a living equivalent to waitressing; however as a career path for men a heterosexual male 'Pro' would make more money turning bottles into cash versus turning tricks on corner.

The reason for more men posting isn't that there are more men in that situation. It a reflection that there are more men in that situation who can't find a partner - at least a non-'Pro'. Woman, even if they have similarly poor results, are usually not so much into the humiliation factor a similar public exposure would convey.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 7

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:30:33 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

I don't know...maybe this is an incredibly ignorant thing to say...but the difference I see is:

Male Dominant to female submissive - "What can I do to you?"

Female Dominant to male submissive - "What can you do for me?"

I see the difference between the F/m relationships that I know of from the M/f relationships as pretty vast in their character.

But...I am still relatively new in the scene being in it just under two years...even though I am quite active in it...

Thus, I see LadyP's question as very very valid. There is a component of "active participation and seeking" that male subs do that I don't see female subs doing quite as much. They seem to be more sought out. And so the question is quite valid - what are unattached male subs doing to attract that Lady that they seek?

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 8

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:41:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Re Merc's comment that it's the idea of being submissive, I think most people are confused between bottoming and submitting. And as far as I can tell by reading profiles, most self identified male subs are actually seeking to bottom.

Hell most newbies, no matter gender or which side of the slash, are a lot more interested in play then they are in d/s. I'm not saying that's wrong, it's how I started and I think it was appropriate. But it is a lot harder for a male bottom to find a female top who is willing to top him in just the way he wants to be topped. It's easier for a female bottom because most male tops are willing to tailor their play to the bottom's interests. Might not be the play scene of his fantasies but beats watching the Mets lose on tv.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 9

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 12:46:27 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

WestBaySlave, thank you for taking the time to answer. Your reply is exactly what I'm asking. It doesn't matter to Me if the Dominant that you are looking for is female or not. I appreciate you taking the time to post.

Merc, I'm not going to quote the whole reply. I just want to use this one little part:

quote:

I've not been part of any 'bar scene' for a long time, but I'd hazard to guess if an equal number of horny men and woman went into a bar the men would have to put a lot more energy and market themselves a hell of lot more than any woman would to accomplish the same goal.

What I'm asking here is the equivalent of how many people are getting up and going to the bar? Is anybody even getting directions to the bar or looking where the bar might be in the phonebook?

Otters, since you have found what you are looking for here, it would be great to hear the approach you used.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 10

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 1:14:46 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Otters, since you have found what you are looking for here, it would be great to hear the approach you used.

You know, I am one of the fortunate ones - my Lady found me...

But I did take an initial step - I put up a profile on a site called PolyMatchMaker. I stated in that profile a lot about me - my personal tastes and interest, that I was (at the time) married and that my wife was consenting, that I was in to "gender play", and that "I kinked a little".

Two days later up pops this email from my Lady saying "Howdy neighbor, I see you are kinda new, let me know if I can help or answer any questions..."

And so I had lots of questions...and we started corresponding for about 3 weeks back and forth. She directed me here and to Fetlife to view her profile - so I sort of knew who she was and what she was about.

It did not scare me away...I stayed after her, contacting her back with polite and courteous emails and fairly frequent chats.

Eventually it came time to meet. I requested a meeting several times and when we finally hit the right time, I showed up...with my wife in tow...and the three of us had a great meal and a great time. When it came time to go, she touched my chest as we parted and the look in her eye...it was like I had been hit by lightning...

We went home and I immediately sent her a thank you email and very frankly and openly saying that I wanted to see her again. She replied and we chatted for two hours that night. The rest is history that most know from my being here...

I would say that while the chance of our contact was due to her, I definitely put pretty intense effort into pursuit of her - always polite and courteous, but I did not hide my interest at all...and I showed up in her chat log, in her email box, and in person every time. I was totally open, honest, and as chivalrous and romantic towards her as I knew how to be.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 1:26:18 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Re Merc's comment that it's the idea of being submissive, I think most people are confused between bottoming and submitting. And as far as I can tell by reading profiles, most self identified male subs are actually seeking to bottom.

Hell most newbies, no matter gender or which side of the slash, are a lot more interested in play then they are in d/s. I'm not saying that's wrong, it's how I started and I think it was appropriate. But it is a lot harder for a male bottom to find a female top who is willing to top him in just the way he wants to be topped. It's easier for a female bottom because most male tops are willing to tailor their play to the bottom's interests. Might not be the play scene of his fantasies but beats watching the Mets lose on tv.

I'm really hoping not to bog down the discussion between the terms of submissive and bottom. It really holds no consequence to the concept.

What I am asking here is, if you are male and not a Top/Dominant/Master, in other words, anything on the other side of the kneel, what are you actively doing in your search?

It's a very basic question: Males, what are you actively DOING?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 1:27:34 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
I would say that while the chance of our contact was due to her, I definitely put pretty intense effort into pursuit of her - always polite and courteous, but I did not hide my interest at all...and I showed up in her chat log, in her email box, and in person every time. I was totally open, honest, and as chivalrous and romantic towards her as I knew how to be.

This is exactly what I'm looking for. Thank you for taking the time to reply. My best to your Lady.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 13

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 1:40:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I don't know if I've really got some lucky gene or what all those other fem doms are doing but in less than five years, I've managed to secure serious long term commitments with two sub males. I really don't understand all the complaining and whining about the lack of male subs.

Now, I can't refute that many of them are lost horny lambs lacking the first clue in how to get to know and impress someone. I can't refute that it's very difficult to be a sub male in the hetero scene today and that scares a lot of them off before they get going.

But there's plenty of great ones out there also, if you're willing to know what YOU are doing, take the time to cull the herd and listen to the background. I think most fem doms bring it on themselves.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 2:06:06 PM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
...
I can't refute that it's very difficult to be a sub male in the hetero scene today and that scares a lot of them off before they get going.
...

I don't want to take this discussion off-topic, but I have honestly found this to not be true at all. I am not only submissive, I am feminine! If anyone was going to have trouble in the "hetero scene" today you would have to think it would be me...and yet I have been met with respect and friendliness pretty much across the board from men and women alike on both sides of the kneel.

I finally felt like I found a place where I belonged and had a place...pretty freakin' marvelous actually.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 8:35:00 PM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline

Is my profile filled out:
Yes and has been the entire time I have been on Collarme. Though I am slightly disappointed on how few people read the profile. No, I do not expect Domme to just read it. I would hope that when I send a detailed email they would take the time to at least look my profile over. I would estimate that of the emails I send out, less than 50% read me profile.

Do you attempt to make contact:
Yes. Mostly through profile searching. I look for similar interests as me, how close they are too me. From there typically an introductory email is sent describing my interests and asking if the Domme has similar interests.

Do you go to you local munch or attend events:
I did go to the munches and events early on years ago. I will say I have met good friends this way. I yet to meet a Domme at a munch or event that has become my Domme. It could be I tend to by shy and do not open up until its more of a one on one. But I also think its more due to my particular fetishes I enjoy. I will not mention the fetishes here, I am not trying to advertise, but I have found there are fewer Dommes into these fetishes.

Am I pro-active in my goal of meeting a Dominat Woman:
I have to say yes but I am certainly not in a rush. Being in the lifestyle for a while now, I know what I want. I want a Domme who has similar wants and desires. I have had the honor of being a sub to 3 different Mistress. All 3 breakup were due to relocation of jobs or a lifestyle change. I am happy to say I am still good friends with 2 of the 3 and stay in touch.

I find it interesting when I look back at my past Mistresses. Two of the three were due to me writing a Domme and gettimg rejected but then her passing my name on to one of her friends who then contacted me. Interesting how life turns out :)

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 8:52:30 PM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

It's a little odd, but coming as an outsider to the hetero scene, I must say I've found the hetero scene a lot more accepting of alternate viewpoints and lifestyles than the gay scene. Any time spent on a gay D/s site of some kind and I get such a barrage of guys telling me what I'm doing is wrong, what I'm saying is wrong, and what I want out of a relationship is wrong, that if it weren't for a number of straight couples I know personally and ones I read here, I'd really think I was out of place entirely

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 17

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 8:56:57 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

This was really good and I appreciate you putting so much time into the matter. I hope folks will see what you wrote here and use it to help them.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 18

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/21/2010 9:12:55 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Maybe this thread is not reaching the desired audience on this board--since much of the problem is on the flip side.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: Sub Males..... What Are You Actively Doing? - 6/22/2010 7:10:17 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

LH,, I tend to think there are enough males who use the forums to get a sampling. Unfortunately, this is one of those cases where, even though the question is directed at sub males, I probably would have had a better result had I posted it on the Mistress board, where more of them seem to frequent.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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