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Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:01:16 AM

hankyspanky2

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Joined: 5/21/2010
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I'm a little new so please be gentle with me. I've only met two Dom men and have only had play type situations with them. On my first play date with the 2nd guy, I went and stayed at his house for a couple of days-there was a long communication on both our parts beforehand, and safe call information given. I felt comfortable with him and trusted him. We spent time talking, we cooked together, went to the cinema together, shopping etc. It was on the 2nd day of our first date/play session that we had sex, it felt right (I did wonder if this was too soon), but naturally I enjoyed it as much as him.

So my question is this:

Men are supposedly (according to internet articles/magazines and even addmissions themselves) to like/enjoy a challenge or the chase, and that ultimately if a woman has sex with him too soon-then his desire for you diminishes, you've given him the goods, there's nothing left to wonder about.

But then as a submissive woman, when your deep felt desire is to please him, how can you and why should you even withhold this? Would you want her more and pursue her more if she withheld from sex? or does it not matter, or bare any relevance to the D/s way of sexual life?

Just interested in hearing some male dom thoughts on this.

Thanks x

< Message edited by hankyspanky2 -- 6/27/2010 10:03:34 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:09:40 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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It pretty much varies. If she makes me wait too long, I lose interest. But if she comes on to me before I get to know her and at least whether she's sane, I run.

That said, I don't make a play for her until I'm ready for it to work.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 2

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:13:21 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
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im not a Dom but i do think that it completely depends on the guy. from what ive experienced, the guys who actually want a sub or slave in the Ds or Ms way and enjoy youre company and youre early attempts at submission to them are far more likely to stick around than the guys who are just out for some kinky sex.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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Post #: 3

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:19:24 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
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I have made the guys (both of them!) I've met on here and on bondage jump through hoops, and prove to me who they are before we met. By the time we finally meet, I know them so well, and they know me so well, it seems a shame to wait. *lol*
Think, four hour calls every night, and iming off and on all day plus day time phone calls...long letters, and lots of getting to know you.
It didn't hurt either that with the first guy it had been two and half long years of celibacy!
I actually really meant to take it slow, usually I do, but...both times it felt *right*. I didn't (and still don't) have any regrets. But yes, every situation is different.

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RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:24:28 AM

sexyred1

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Joined: 8/9/2007
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I am fairly sure it depends on the situation and the people involved. I tend to think these days, waiting a bit is better simply because the older I get the more in tune I want to be with a man and that takes a bit of time.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 5

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:29:42 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

i think it varies with the man, and his desires for the relationship, honestly.

i am not casual at all about sex - as a matter of fact it would be very rare for me to consider having sex with someone before he actually owned me. Some men are fine with this, others are not - they want to "try the goods" to speak before making any sort of commitment. For me, i see that as a sign that we're just incompatible. *shrugs*

i will say that in general, when i tell men that i am not casual with sex or play, and my reasons for it, they tend to really respect it - and actually see me as higher "value" as a result - because i value myself, and my body, and what i have to offer to a future Owner.

Is that making him "work for it" or "giving him a challenge?" Eh, i don't know. i don't play such games. What i do is what works for me, and what MY needs are as an unowned slave meeting men for potential Ownership - and that's all that really matters.

If you're having fun, and true to yourself and your needs, and honest with others about them, that's all you really need to do, in my book.

edited to add: Yes, i'm not a male Dom, but was hoping to help.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 6/27/2010 10:31:05 AM >

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(in reply to hankyspanky2)

Post #: 6

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:33:26 AM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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Sex too early or too late is.

I'm not interested in one-night stands, and some guys, sub or not, are as reticent/shy/scared as stereotypical woman about having sex let alone giving up their virginity.
I need some vanilla dates before having sex with them to ensure we're compatible. There's no absolute number of vanilla dates, since it varies with each man. I've had two dates before Taking a veteran sub, and four months with a vanilla near-virgin, and both were wonderful, each in their own ways.
But generally, if we've discussed my clear expectations and they're not ready by date six or ten, I figure they'll just make more excuses, since consciously or unconsciously they're not ready.

So, the take-home message is: talk about it. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. If you really want to submit but don't feel it's time, say so, and any good person will stop to talk. I personally put the pursuit on hold when they say, 'Not yet'; I treat them like a beautiful but frightened woodland creature, I wait until they cautiously approach, THEN I feel free to pounce. Putting my expectations on 'pause' is a bit of a turn-off, and history says it's 50-50 whether they will be met, but I take no pleasure in dominating someone who doesn't want to be.
There's a world of difference between, 'I don't want to', 'I want to . . . but not yet,' and 'I'm kinda scared and don't know exactly what to do, but I trust you and I want to do this with you': red, amber and flashing green. The last is a huge turn-on, whether they say ' . . . but not yet' or ' . . . right now!'.

But 'withholding' sex (your word) or faking excuses is manipulation and topping from the bottom, which are major breaches.

Good luck, and make sure they get tested for STD's before you even think of letting them touch you.

(in reply to hankyspanky2)

Post #: 7

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:51:52 AM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

But then as a submissive woman, when your deep felt desire is to please him, how can you and why should you even withhold this?

This is the sentence that stands out for me. The desire to submit or dominate can be strong and we may in some way need to do either, but not at the expense of living true to who we are as a whole. Now I know we say that we are dominant or submissive and that is who we are, but we are more than that and how we submit or dominate are a large part of who we are. There are some that I have felt very dominant towards and that growl just starts bubbling up within and wants to reach out and do what I do. Yet, I won't let that happen and it isn't a game, test or manipulation. It is simply that I value myself and want to start a relationship with a solid foundation. I am not giving the goods so to speak so that I can get him to feel or do something. I am giving the goods whenever and however I decide I am comfortable giving them. It isn't my role as dominant or woman to make him chase me or play some dominant game, it is my being true to Lockit to do what seems good and true for me and then whoever they are.

If I look at it as... this is my role in life and this is what I should do because it is true to my role, works or is effective; I am not who I am as a person. There are no shoulds and shouldn'ts other than what I decide there should be. If I want to dominate half the guys that contact me, okay fine... I am sure that might impress somebody... but I am not trying to impress anyone but the one who will value me as Lockit on a whole rather than the role some could envision. Every person, submissive or dominant or both needs to be true to themselves, not their so called position in a relationship, until there actually is a relationship of whatever sort. We aren't here to prove our submissive or dominant nature... but who we are.

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Post #: 8

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 10:52:44 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
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Personally MY Interest in someone has little to do with how soon they have sex with me and much more with how comfortable they are in their own skin and how comfortable they are with their sexuality.

Just because we have has sex does not mean we have connected on a mental and emotional level, only a physical one.

Many women (And Internet BullShit Studies) Believe that men don't care for the Mental and Emotional Connection only the Physical Connection, I would disagree, I think men are looking for a Mental and Emotional Connection, but the Big Elephant in the living room for many couples is the big SEX question.

Most of my sexual partners and I had sex on the first date or within a week of meeting or discovering that a romantic relationship was desired. This means that some friends I had for years and one day we both decided to make it physical.

That being said it is the Mental and Emotional connection that is so much harder to make. Personally I am attracted to Most women, I find just about all women attractive and someone I am aroused by. The Mental Connection, how we Think is usually the most difficult, certain social behaviors bother the hell out of me and I choose to connect with people who agree in those things.

So sex might be great, but if when they get around a large group of women they go retarded they just aren't the person for me.

QSM

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Post #: 9

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 11:40:30 AM

Nineveh

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Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

Pretty much every long standing relationship I have had has started with sex. That doesn't mean I expect it, it's just how it has happened so far. In only one case was this someone I didn't already know pretty well however. I think I am a bit unusual though in that I have never really been much for dates. I have friends, if things turn romantic it will sometimes turn into a romantic relationship but it doesn't really pass through a period of dating and then becoming something serious.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 10

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 11:41:41 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 11

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 11:57:52 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

So I want to ask, does this mean that Sex is a cookie you use to lure a man into jumping thorugh hoops?

I ask because you seem to think that men see sex as a challange. The men I associate with would say that if getting anything in a relationship from any point is a challange than it isn't a relationship worth having.

I can have sex with whomever I like. Some men this is all they are interested in, and they are not difficult to spot.

I have been married for 3 years and together for 4 and it all started with sex.

Then after the sex was out of the way, we were less interested in playing that cat and mouse game you talk about and were able to just get to know each other.

So yes my Mileage does Vary.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 12:11:45 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

So I want to ask, does this mean that Sex is a cookie you use to lure a man into jumping thorugh hoops?

I ask because you seem to think that men see sex as a challange. The men I associate with would say that if getting anything in a relationship from any point is a challange than it isn't a relationship worth having.

I can have sex with whomever I like. Some men this is all they are interested in, and they are not difficult to spot.

I have been married for 3 years and together for 4 and it all started with sex.

Then after the sex was out of the way, we were less interested in playing that cat and mouse game you talk about and were able to just get to know each other.

So yes my Mileage does Vary.

QSM

I both agree and disagree with you. I don't think sex should be some sort of treat held out to motivate a guy to jump through hoops. If someone did that to me I'd be much more likely to be done with her after the sex than if she gave it up early. I might hang on until I'd won her, for the challenge, but she'd be making sex the whole point of it.

On the other hand all relationships include challenges. That doesn't mean jumping through hoops, but being with another person in a commited and caring way is going to include a lot of challenges for a lot of different reasons. Doing what it takes to get her comfortable with having sex with you can be one of those and that is different than her using the possibility of sex as a sort of donkey's carrot.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 13

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 12:15:33 PM

AQuietSimpleMan

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Joined: 11/15/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

On the other hand all relationships include challenges. That doesn't mean jumping through hoops, but being with another person in a commited and caring way is going to include a lot of challenges for a lot of different reasons. Doing what it takes to get her comfortable with having sex with you can be one of those and that is different than her using the possibility of sex as a sort of donkey's carrot.

My point would be if it feels like a challange then there is something wrong.

Sure my wife and I have had issues but the only challange was the thought of ending it. Everything else came together quite easily.

QSM

_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 14

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 12:42:05 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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Let's see... ten guys, hoping to evolve into something else and that game or one guy who knows what he wants and can see that I might have what he wants? It isn't rocket science which would be more appealing to me.

If he can't see my worth without the enticements of sex and I have to convince him to like me better because of sex... no deal.

Because evolving works with some and I have seen the proof of this, doesn't mean I want to play the game in hopes that it might work. Chances are... it won't. lol Ask those nine guys I once tried that with, if they ever intended anything more to come from a nice booty call. lol

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RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 1:13:26 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

My own personal experience has always been that when I've had sex with a man right from the get go then they had zero interest in forming a relationship or even anything else other than a one night stand. The challenge was over. They caught the mouse and now it was time to move on to the next prey.

Like I said that was always my experience with having sex too early. YMMV.

So I want to ask, does this mean that Sex is a cookie you use to lure a man into jumping thorugh hoops?

I ask because you seem to think that men see sex as a challange. The men I associate with would say that if getting anything in a relationship from any point is a challange than it isn't a relationship worth having.

I can have sex with whomever I like. Some men this is all they are interested in, and they are not difficult to spot.

I have been married for 3 years and together for 4 and it all started with sex.

Then after the sex was out of the way, we were less interested in playing that cat and mouse game you talk about and were able to just get to know each other.

So yes my Mileage does Vary.

QSM

Nope I never used it as a "cookie" or an enticement. If I wanted to have sex I had sex. If they saw me as a challenge or decided I wasn't worth their time afterwards then so be it. I moved on just as quickly as they did. I'm just stating that from my experience that once I slept with a guy they no longer had any interest in me for anything else whatsoever.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 16

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 1:14:36 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

ive been out with a few guys since dating Doms specifically and there was only one guy i had sex with on the first meet. and in the end im pretty sure he wasnt a Dom and more youre kinky sex type of guy.

ive played with all of them first before sex ever entered into it (so to speak

) and apart from the kinky sex guy theres always been follow up meetings and a relationship pending.

i totally agree with lockit on all that she says there - as much as we want to be sub and in a way prove ourselves by not taking a stance on things, when it comes to sex i personally dont see anything unsubby in saying no until you feel ready to say yes.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 17

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 1:22:27 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~fast reply~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
quote:

Just because we have has sex does not mean we have connected on a mental and emotional level, only a physical one.

I agree with this. Between 17-22, when I was young I didn't know this. I thought that sex would tell me if the relationship was worth developing. Instead, it stunted the growth of everything. I fell into years' long relationships that began and ended in the bedroom and missed out on all the lovely aspects of courtship, including finding out if we were compatible before the sex made us not care if we were or not. I was an idiot.
.....................................................................................................

quote:

But then as a submissive woman, when your deep felt desire is to please him, how can you and why should you even withhold this? Would you want her more and pursue her more if she withheld from sex? or does it not matter, or bare any relevance to the D/s way of sexual life?

If women didn't have to decide when to withhold sex, we'd be having it from hello with every male who wanted it. There would also have to be some national welfare program for women, as there would be no time for working because of all the exhaustion from sex.

I can see where withholding sex could be seen as manipulation...especially by men who expect it after the first hamburger; whenever his date puts on makeup and looks extra pretty (she must be a tease if she doesn't, right?); or if *G* forbid, she actually enjoys kissing and some petting but won't have sex without love or committment. (What a terrible thing to do, to provoke erections and not see them safely back to their flaccidity...quick, everyone, dress ugly and wear a bag over yer face, and get rid of that tempting perfume!)

It's up to you, and depends on what you want more, hankyspanky2. Do you want the feelings of a D/s relationship without actually having established the relationship first, or do you want to have the security of being in a committed relationship before giving yourself to him all the way.

Be true to yourself. If you need to be pursued before being caught...then wait until the right man decides you're valuable enough to him to go through all that effort.

Some men might enjoy the hunt...and be skilled at making the prey so frenzied/crazed that she cannot possibly say no to anything when the time comes. Doesn't that sound...more exciting than just falling into a man's hand like an overripe peach?

<no insult meant to *peaches*>

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)

Post #: 18

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 1:27:54 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia

Some men might enjoy the hunt...and be skilled at making the prey so frenzied/crazed that she cannot possibly say no to anything when the time comes. Doesn't that sound...more exciting than just falling into a man's hand like an overripe peach?

See, this I agree with. And I am looking for a man who understands this concept.

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)

Post #: 19

RE: Is sex too soon a deal breaker.... - 6/27/2010 1:31:42 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hankyspanky2

Men are supposedly (according to internet articles/magazines and even admissions themselves) to like/enjoy a challenge or the chase, and that ultimately if a woman has sex with him too soon-then his desire for you diminishes, you've given him the goods, there's nothing left to wonder about.

I'd suggest that sage wisdom is true only for hopelessly conventional minds—which, granted, may cover a fairly broad demographic of men. The reason to prefer holding out a little has more to do with determining some semblance of compatibility and the wisdom of mitigating health risk, in my mind. Insisting on a time frame to peak "mysterious wonderment" or "the thrill of the chase" is cute in one's teens, but I assume a man would have grown out of that shortly after entering his twenties.

ETA: This article from Marie Claire is probably a good example of the popular wisdom you refer to. The resulting comments to the column were entertaining, at least.

< Message edited by MarcEsadrian -- 6/27/2010 2:16:23 PM >

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