Ligeia72
Posts: 126
Joined: 6/29/2010 Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan <Sighs> And just when people were starting to like me. Aftercare in most cases is crock of shit. No not the giving of it, but the idea that it is one sided. See after a scene, the only kind that I know, I need to step away. My Head is in a very different place. It is in a Sadistic place, usually my arm hurts or is sore, My focus is still locked on their mental capasity but not the one that needs aftercare, the one to make sure she is still there, the controling place where as a Sadist my intention is not to coddle her but to deliver the pain that meets both of our needs. That being said I find the notion that aftercare is necessary, but only to the submissive is completely crap. Now everyone who likes to speak for me listen up. Aftercare in my relationship is discussed prior to play and it is explained I Give aftercare in the form of making sure that she is okay, that she is back mentally, and that whatever shaking from dopemine drop has started to subside, a Blanket, and some water. Then I go TAKE CARE OF ME! I don't expect anyone to do that, I get myself back. Most of it is an internal dialog. Most of it is just removing myself from the stimuli and getting myself back to a natural head space. Now if she feels the need to be held for hours, to have her hair brushed, to be told a hundred times that she is a good girl then I am just not the person to give it to her. I woud be the Wrong TOP for her. To be honest I tend to dislike being with Masochists that get lathargic and cry for release after a scene, I cannot relate, I don't get it, I just don't. To tell someone that they should leave because their TOP isn't willing to submit himself to her irrational mental state is beyond me, and in my opinion very bad advice. The suggestion that aftercare is something that she should earn I think is stupid either he gives it or he doesn't but playing a game with it is retarded. To the OP, ask yourself a serious question. Do you want aftercare because you are lost from what he did? Or in that state do you tell yourself things and need his verbal or physical reinforcement to counter those things? Is this something HE caused or something YOU do all on your own? I know this is NOT the popular view, but it has been accepted by every partner I have had for over a decade. QSM I may very well not express this as succinctly as I would like, but I do agree with many of your points. For me, aftercare as a top isn't just a one way thing either. Yes I tend to be fairly easy going/fluid with what I actually need in a scene or afterwards (to a point), but at the same time that doesn't mean I completely ignore my own needs or that the bottoms needs are somehow greater than my own when I might also need that aftercare space to reconnect after topping. For me it's a two way street, ensuring that both parties have enjoyed themselves without necessarily putting one person's needs ahead of the other. Like I said, for me personally as well, I am flexible with stuff like aftercare, I don't necessarily have any hard and fast rules on how much or how little, except to say I do prefer not to play with someone who needs or desires absolutely zero aftercare. So obviously then that goes down to negotiation, and picking play partners that I'm compatible with. Having said the above, if; however, the requirement of aftercare becomes an issue of safety, then I will either provide the level of aftercare the bottom needs in order to be safe, and if I can't then I don't play with them. Just my 2cents worth of course.
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