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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 6:33:32 AM   
Aileen1968


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Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Aileen, but you do get your needs met, by Shore's being in total control? Sounds like a win-win thang!



I absolutely do get my needs met.
It's ironic that this relationship would most likely not work if I was given choices.
We both need him to be in total control. It doesn't mean he's selfish or doesn't take me and my likes and dislikes into consideration.
In fact, a lot of the things he decides to do are based on things that I like.
"Do me" does not always mean being oblivious to the other person.


I'm not sure there's a common definition. Rest assured what I know of Shore he wouldn't fit in the one that I'm thinking of. He may be in control but everything he has posted here indicates he is very cognizant of your needs.


I think there has to be a tremendous amount of compatibility for a one sided "do me" relationship to work.
If he always picked things to do that I completely hated, then it would crash and burn eventually.
We are lucky that the things he likes to do match with the things that I like to do...for the most part.
It makes it much easier to give up that control to him.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 6:51:48 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
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quote:

I think there has to be a tremendous amount of compatibility for a one sided "do me" relationship to work.
If he always picked things to do that I completely hated, then it would crash and burn eventually.
We are lucky that the things he likes to do match with the things that I like to do...for the most part.
It makes it much easier to give up that control to him.


Aileen I look at what you and Shore have and think "THAT! That's what I want....errrr only not with Shore. From what the two of you have posted you have a relationship that is perfectly in sync. Bravo!

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:03:23 AM   
Level


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Status: offline 		And she has crabs!

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:04:25 AM   
SimplyMichael


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Status: offline 		Aileen,

I am glad you added that latest bit about compatibility as it gives a more nuanced picture, other than "he orders, I obey" which I think gives anyone new or confused reading this thread a deeper understanding of what you mean. You also don't have to worry about bills being unpaid, whether or not he is going to things that cause you to doubt him, and in short he is a dream catch, not the first guy who simply was "uber" enough to bark orders without concern for your welfare.

You were single for many many years because your standards of what you wanted in a man were quite high.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:09:50 AM   
NorthernGent


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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Our own lovely lally made a comment on the do-me sub thread, asking about "do-me dominants". Is there such a thing? And the one thing that popped into my head was, is being a dominant, by its nature, something that leans towards "do-me-ism"?? Obey me? Make me happy? My way or the highway?



For any relationship to work......you have to bring something to it that the other partner values....it certainly can't be all one way traffic. Plus....presumably a happy woman is more preferable to one who is being stifled...and that demands that she has her needs tended to....whatever they may be.

Obey me or you're out? Depends upon context. But I'd hazard a guess that relationships based solely on one person giving nothing back....will fail.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:17:33 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i agree, i want to 'do' my Dom in all ways he wishes - and make him happy, and im not looking for accolade or a return favour at all - but i do have my own needs too that arent entirely tied up in making someone else happy -

if its ALL about them then its going to go out of balance.  somewhere in there, probably from the very start we would have said - this is my wish list, this is what i need - and youre Dominant then has the option to take that wish list on board and even if its only occassionally to ensure you get a damn good O or youre favourite ice cream for a moment it isnt ALL about them being done, its also about them doing you.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/4/2010 7:19:40 AM >

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:19:07 AM   
Level


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Status: offline 		I agree about context, NG. "Eat the excrement of this homeless guy" is wildly different from "wear this dress tonight", and in most sane people, will elicit different responses.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:06:19 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		OP, there are many phrases within the lifestyle that have different meaning to different people. Having been a Domme I got very familiar with do-me subs. Now that I am a slave I've had a chance to reflect on things like whether there are do-me Dominants.

To me (and this is just my opinion) a do-me Dominant is one who has his wish list and cares almost exclusively about that and very little about the sub's fulfillment. It is not uncommon in the lifestyle to here the phrase "use you". Many subs delight at being used, whether physically, mentally, or in any other way. The rub comes in when there are periods of time (some short, some long), when the relationship seems ONLY about the Dominant's pleasure. If it is only for a short period of time it can be easily gotten over by most, though I've seen subs who can't handle it even for a day or two. The problem is when that seems to take place over the majority of the relationship.

There are users in the vanilla world (been there, was married to that) and it makes perfect sense that someone come into BDSM thinking mainly about how their own needs will be met and either fooling themselves into thinking that the other party is obviously fulfilled or simply not caring. I've seen this especially with new Doms; they see that the sub craves to serve but think that she gets total fulfillment just from that. I sometimes help to train new Doms and I make sure to let them know how very important it is to just share a "thank you" or a "good girl" once in a while - that those two simple words can make the difference between a task being difficult and tiring and having it be a thing of joy. There are few who can give endlessly with no positives in return, no matter how submissive they are.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:12:34 AM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		imo, i think there are 2 types of the "do-me" dominant. there is the type that is most often metioned in this thread, where it is very clear who is in charge, but they meet your needs as well. then....there is the one more commonly referred to as the uber-dominant. they work for some people( those who want something quick with no emotional ties, porn victims) but typically not for those who want a fulfilling relationship. i see them this way- if a guy is having sex with a girl and he doesn't engage in forplay, or even make an attempt to do so, only worries about his pleasure and not the woman, who he is just jacking off inside of. different circumstances in bdsm, but the same concept.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:21:15 AM   
MadameMarque


Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
Status: offline 		My Goodness, what a wonderful title for a thread! The dominant IS the unabashed Do-Me person, by the role's nature, yes!

Of course, it's hard to ignore the fact that also, by its nature, the dominant role being the "active" role, as in, acting upon the submissive, there's generally plenty of the dominant 'doing' the submissive, in one sense or another.

Still, to quote the dominant half of a couple whom I quite love, "Really, it's all about me!" B., I love ya!



Selfish love
Love me, cause I love you
This is my way of love.

Cheers to this egoistic night.
...
I will for me, you will for me
And I'll be me, and you be you.

Cheers to egoistic us.

- from Selfish Love, Miyavi
Note: Lyric written as "you will for you," but sung as "you will for me" :)

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:21:45 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Five Languages of Love has the concept of a love bank. If you take from your partner and don't give back in the way they need, then the day will come when there is nothing left for you to take.

The uber dominant, ignore the sub's needs, type will be left wondering what happened because they don't understand that they caused the relationship to crash and burn.

It helps if you start with compatibility, start with love, and both of you sufficiently self aware to identify your needs and capable of communicating them to your partner. Mind reading doesn't work. Ever.


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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:27:42 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		This. Yes, there are do-me-dominants out there. I know more than few. I can relate to the idea that many of us get our jollies because our mate takes and demands but USUALLY we are getting something more out of it than just satisfying our partner. When I was part of a couple, I was having orgasms, I was being stimulated, I was being teased and taken. When the guy just says "get down on your knees and suck my cock, and never thinks of whether or not you have any feelings or needs to orgasm too, THAT is a do-me-dominant. It takes me a while to come to the realisation when that occurs, but I do get there eventually.


quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

Level,

It's odd that Doms don't get the same negative common labeling that subs and others do.

I would think a "do-me" Dom isn't about whether sex is casual or not, someone that is completely oblivious or uncaring of the other person's needs. I've met a few. They're fun for about a week then their utter lack of substance and connection becomes boring.


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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:28:53 AM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Five Languages of Love has the concept of a love bank. If you take from your partner and don't give back in the way they need, then the day will come when there is nothing left for you to take.

The uber dominant, ignore the sub's needs, type will be left wondering what happened because they don't understand that they caused the relationship to crash and burn.


This is so common online AND in real life. I even see supposed leaders of the community that go through partners constantly, tossing them aside the moment they move past the hotness of the fantasy. I was talking with someone here about this and I am seriously thinking about putting a damn class together on this concept because I know I had trouble with it when I was new. How to use someone hard without using them up, which doesn't seem catchy enough but still might work. How to balance out "do me" with whatever that sub/slave needs to feel fullfilled. It isn't a one sided equation, it just LOOKS one sided.

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:32:24 AM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		i wish more subs that are in relationships would speak up on their needs. i often hear that because its all about what their dominant wants, they dont have a right to speak up. its still a relationship in which you are investing your time and energy in, why shouldn't you have a say in what happens?

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:36:03 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		And this is different from vanilla relationships, how? Ironic to make a point. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. Doesn't matter what flavor it is. Either you're both happy or neither one is.

The balance needs to be built in, you can't just think "Oh it's Saturday, guess it's time to do something for them, how boring". If you don't enjoy doing things that make the other person happy, it won't work. They'll feel it and won't be happy being thrown a bone.

The problem is that most people aren't self aware enough to know what they need under the kink stuff. Nor are they able to express themselves clearly. And even less are able to truly listen. Most of us listen to someone else while preparing internal rebuttals. And that's a set up for failure.

But I don't think too many people at a kink event would sign up for active listening workshops. Or would they?


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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:40:47 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Our own lovely lally made a comment on the do-me sub thread, asking about "do-me dominants". Is there such a thing? And the one thing that popped into my head was, is being a dominant, by its nature, something that leans towards "do-me-ism"?? Obey me? Make me happy? My way or the highway?


I believe that just as there is Do-me subs there are Do-me Doms. Personally.... I don't have much use for either. I am more for the US of a relationship and less of the Me. But, unfortunately, there are many who enter a relationship not for what they can bring to it but what they can get out of it. My NEEDS, MY WANTS..... get them satisfied or else!!! A relationship to me is more like OUR needs and wants. If there is anything that can point point why our relationship with Alandra, Kyra and I have been so successful is because ofa our individual focus to the US and not the ME. A side note.... compatiability is not perfect... it never is in my view. But.. at our core we are compatiable... and one of the core things being we are here for us not me

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:52:30 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Our own lovely lally made a comment on the do-me sub thread, asking about "do-me dominants". Is there such a thing? And the one thing that popped into my head was, is being a dominant, by its nature, something that leans towards "do-me-ism"?? Obey me? Make me happy? My way or the highway?


I liked what elisabella said... someone who makes dominating all about the kink instead of the relationship....

katylied said something on the other thread that resonated with me, she said something about vanilla working for her because it was about mutual satisfaction and getting needs met instead of one person having control. I suppose this is where I do not feel very submissive these days, if a relationship is primarily feeding someone's need to control me, then I would feel like someone just satisfying a kink need. The relationship has to transcend control and be more important to both of us than D/s, or I don't want it. I couldn't respect a man that made that the primary thing of importance in a relationship, and just feeling like that would ruin it for me.

In this life changes and challenges are presented to us (boy howdy how I know this can impact a relationship), and just because one person or another is going through a trying time and the D/s may have to be put on the back burner, I wouldn't want the relationship to end. I just want it to be a natural thing, and anyone that would be very militant about keeping control at all times, well that person is kinda a do-me in my mind....and I have no use for it

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:59:54 AM   
BeingChewsie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I fucking hope so....
The basis of our relationship is that I do what he wants when he wants it. And he does what he wants when he wants it.
It makes it all very easy. And it's a complete turn on for me. My brain is wired to be with a man who requires that.
For him...it's not an option to be in a relationship where he doesn't have complete control over all things.



That is exactly how it works here and it is the ideal fit for us. It is the thing that lights my rockets for certain.

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~Ron and Hup

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 9:00:36 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Ladies hold the aces while my lovers call it passion
The men call it pleasure but to me it's old fashioned
Times they're a-changin' nothing ever stands still
If I don't stop changin' I'll be writin' my will
It's the same old story never get a second chance
For a dance to the top of the hill

Babe I'm a dreamer
Found my horse and carriage

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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 9:01:56 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Are there do-me Doms out there?  Yep.

The key in this is absolutely where Aileen nailed it and that really is the compatibility factor.  It isn't completely empty for the other side.  There is fulfillment in it.  If that was lacking, the situation wouldn't work.


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