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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

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I do legitimately have a very strong NEED to see him happy.

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It isn't about getting nothing back. It's about pleasing the other person as being the thing you get back. It really isn't that novel a concept, the thing I hated doing before becomes a thing that I love because it makes him happy. His needs can become my own and vice versa.

thank you for clearing that up, laurel. i wasnt sure at first where you were coming from. but the above makes total sense to me. i too have a strong desire to please, and to be found pleasing. so strong, in fact, that i have to be careful to watch over it like that desire is a little girl about to be gobbled up by the big bad wolf. it can take me under, keep me deep, and refuse to ever want to see the light of reason.

so, yeah, i know exactly what you mean.

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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I have to agree with this. When I read from a sub who says 'My life is all about making him happy' I can't help but think theres some long and ongoing hedonistic game going on. New Doms looking in will get the impression that being a selfish bastard actually works and new submissives looking in will probably get off on his hot selfish fantasy but put that into reality and all you really have is a game based on fantasy.
There have been some good posts and good points made on this topic and I think the most important ones are those that clearly state that their needs are and have been met and that is why they can now devote their life to making their man happy.

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I have to agree with this. When I read from a sub who says 'My life is all about making him happy' I can't help but think theres some long and ongoing hedonistic game going on. New Doms looking in will get the impression that being a selfish bastard actually works and new submissives looking in will probably get off on his hot selfish fantasy but put that into reality and all you really have is a game based on fantasy.
There have been some good posts and good points made on this topic and I think the most important ones are those that clearly state that their needs are and have been met and that is why they can now devote their life to making their man happy.

this is a point i wanted to make but couldnt find the right way of putting it - its a really important point.

its another one of those parrallel understandings again:  yes subs put their Dominants needs first because we love to and in many ways its our part of the whole Ds and Ms thing and how it works - if we werent wired that way it wouldnt work because ostensibly that is the premis of submission.  its easy to see how 'do me' Dominants evolve if they dont keep a balanced perspective on what their sub needs in order to submit.

eg, the bj guy.  he lost the balance and ultimately lost the sub.

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

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Most of us do not go around only living to please our dominant (or nilla mate) just because they are in our lives.

Yet you would be surprised by the number of D-types who think that an s-type's fulfillment should come strictly from living to please.  It is ridiculous to give give give and receive nothing in return.  In my experience this sort of dynamic is the norm in a D/s relationship, whereas in a vanilla relationship a partner is much more willing to attempt something more mutually-fulfilling.

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now that is one thing I do not think one would see on a vanilla site...lol

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One must be inspired to please before one can live to please.

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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

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Most of us do not go around only living to please our dominant (or nilla mate) just because they are in our lives.

Yet you would be surprised by the number of D-types who think that an s-type's fulfillment should come strictly from living to please.  It is ridiculous to give give give and receive nothing in return.  In my experience this sort of dynamic is the norm in a D/s relationship, whereas in a vanilla relationship a partner is much more willing to attempt something more mutually-fulfilling.

Thank you Katy because that is what I was saying. One must be inspired to please before one can live to please. It doesn't just happen because I guy came along with 'DOM' written on his brow (well in some cases it does )
When I see a single dominants profile stating 'you will obey me in every way' it cries of game playing. Talking the talk does not make one a dominant, in fact I would go as far as to say, it cries of desperation.
Two people meet, they clue up, work each other out and either stop right there or go on to inspire one another. If he can successfully lead her then of course she will do things to please him. She's not doing it selflessly because if she was, she would do it for any dominant, but because this is what she wanted, what she was looking for.
DoMe Doms are a pain in the ass. They want everything for nothing and more.

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ORIGINAL: laurell3

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ORIGINAL: lally2

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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I have to agree with this. When I read from a sub who says 'My life is all about making him happy' I can't help but think theres some long and ongoing hedonistic game going on. New Doms looking in will get the impression that being a selfish bastard actually works and new submissives looking in will probably get off on his hot selfish fantasy but put that into reality and all you really have is a game based on fantasy.
There have been some good posts and good points made on this topic and I think the most important ones are those that clearly state that their needs are and have been met and that is why they can now devote their life to making their man happy.

this is a point i wanted to make but couldnt find the right way of putting it - its a really important point.

its another one of those parrallel understandings again:  yes subs put their Dominants needs first because we love to and in many ways its our part of the whole Ds and Ms thing and how it works - if we werent wired that way it wouldnt work because ostensibly that is the premis of submission.  its easy to see how 'do me' Dominants evolve if they dont keep a balanced perspective on what their sub needs in order to submit.

eg, the bj guy.  he lost the balance and ultimately lost the sub.

Exactly lally. But my needs are met because of HIM, not me.

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That I agree with absolutely. But once in that dynamic with the person you know that you can trust, there's nothing wrong with living to please. This is my frustration with the statements made.

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You broke him?

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

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That I agree with absolutely. But once in that dynamic with the person you know that you can trust, there's nothing wrong with living to please. This is my frustration with the statements made.

There is for me.  My entire life is not wrapped up in a man or being submissive, there are a lot of other things going on.  My wants and needs are paramount to the how I view the success of a relationship.  I can not selflessly give with nothing in return.  I also could not be with someone who had that expectation of me.

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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Much of it does depend on compatibility, I don't think any of us would purposely set out to build a relationship only to find out that we could not bridge the important stuff, we would probably write those potentials off early in the game. I can be close to selfless with the right person. Yet I understand that if my needs and some of my wants are not being met, I do become resentful and things get difficult.

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Yes well living to please were someone else's words I was parrotting Katy probably because I don't seem to be able to get this point across without someone agreeing but changing it to something else repeatedly