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RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 7:42:49 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I wonder if submissive personalities are more likely to deny they have needs, not because they don't need them to be met.. but because they don't want to admit a hint of selfishness? Most subs I know have their needs met and that is why they go out of their way to make sure their mates are content.

Well I don't have a submissive "personality". And I dont' exactly deny my needs, it's just that somewhere near the very top of the list is my need to see him happy and fulfilled. That tends to overshadow any needs further down the list which are more about me.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 101

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:21:40 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Aileen,

I am glad you added that latest bit about compatibility as it gives a more nuanced picture, other than "he orders, I obey" which I think gives anyone new or confused reading this thread a deeper understanding of what you mean.

Actually...it is as simple as he orders, I obey. My saving grace was that I was intelligent enough to not pick a fucktard. I connected with someone that has a lifetime track record of making, not only responsible personal decisions, but someone that makes great decisions for those around him. He is successful on all levels of his life.

quote:

You also don't have to worry about bills being unpaid

I don't quite know what you're implying here, but if you are hinting that he financially carries me then you are most mistaken. I am a single mother and am most proud of the fact that I pay my bills on my own. As does he. We both work extremely hard for everything we have in life.

quote:

whether or not he is going to do things that cause you to doubt him

He is not Godlike (contrary to popular belief) but he makes the best decisions that he can which is the most anyone can ask of anyone.

quote:

and in short he is a dream catch

Well, yes. I can't contradict this one.

quote:

not the first guy who simply was "uber" enough to bark orders without concern for your welfare.

He's actually quite hot when he tells me to "shaddup"

quote:

You were single for many many years because your standards of what you wanted in a man were quite high.

Actually...quite wrong. I was married for 18 years. My standards for men has always been quite high.

Shore and I work well because of so many factors. I do what he says. That makes him happy. It makes me happy. Especially since one of his direct orders for me is to be the absolute best woman, lover, mother, businesswoman, photographer and friend I can be. He has improved my life and has improved me.
As a result, I've improved his life too. He wants someone who is capable of being by his side in any kind of situation. I am an extension of him.
And...I do what he says with a smile on my face.

_____________________________

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 102

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 8:28:28 PM

Aynne88

Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline

Loves this^^^^^^

.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 103

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 9:03:23 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I see that as a couple thing. It is a relationship that thrives on making each other happy. BOTH people get something from it. And when I read all these people saying stuff like "making him happy is my joy" ect ect.. to me that presents an idea that is unfair to new people coming into this.
I don't know many people who would do that for someone who gave nothing back. And if I were a newbie reading about how serving someone is what brings them satisfaction I shudder. It is never about one persons needs. It is about meeting the needs of both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I wonder if submissive personalities are more likely to deny they have needs, not because they don't need them to be met.. but because they don't want to admit a hint of selfishness? Most subs I know have their needs met and that is why they go out of their way to make sure their mates are content.

Well I don't have a submissive "personality". And I dont' exactly deny my needs, it's just that somewhere near the very top of the list is my need to see him happy and fulfilled. That tends to overshadow any needs further down the list which are more about me.

The best example I have found on the forums by new guys who do think it is all about them was answered by this one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ishtarr

*sigh*

I just posted this on a different topic, but seeing that it applies here too...:

Well, I've read through the profile and like so many other profiles on here, it just left me shaking my head.

So... you want a slave girl... good... nearly every male Dom on this site wants the same, join the club.

The thing that leaves me wondering on if you're going to find her though is this: why?

Why would a girl want to be your slave?
What do you have to offer her?
What makes you different than every other male Dom looking for the same thing as you are?

Why YOU and not the next guy?

You give no information whatsoever on what SHE is getting out of this, other than that she'll have the privilege of being your slave.

Hoorah!

If that's all a girl needed to beg a collar from a man then ANY man would do...
Seriously, it's not because you're looking for a slave that suddenly it becomes ALL about you.
Really... it doesn't become ALL about you until AFTER you've got that collar around her neck.

Prior to that, you are still courting a... WOMAN.
Not a slave, but a woman.

You are still trying to convince HER that you are the right guy for her.
That you're better than the next guy.
That you're different than the next guy.
That's YOU are going to make HER feel special.

If you can't do that, then sorry dude, she IS going to move on to the next guy who CAN make her feel special...

Might wanna think about that a little and make some adjustments to your profile...

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/4/2010 9:07:20 PM >

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 104

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 9:15:52 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

For Ishtarrs tender age, the girl makes a hell of alot of sense.

I often tell men....

I need a man to take care of me so i am free to take care of all his needs.

Most men take that the wrong way. Those were the one's i quickly weeded out.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 105

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/4/2010 11:02:58 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

nevermind, it's not worth the effort

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/4/2010 11:11:50 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 106

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 12:31:24 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

But....

I need to breathe. The need is being met, but it is still there.

if you were in the cake shop with Kalisto and you needed that choccy fudge brownie on a visceral level, had all the sprinklies and eat it all up would you need more choccy fudge brownie on a visceral level still - and dont say yes, cos thats just greedy

- as the others have said, if a need is met it stops being something you really need and want and miss. like for me, i need a certain amount of gentleness during sex sometimes and with one guy i missed that so much, it wasnt a massive thing, but after we broke up and later when we thought about getting back to gether that was one of the things that stopped me.

.... and thanks for the really lovely intro earlier, made me feel all nice and stuff

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/5/2010 12:42:31 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 107

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 12:55:28 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I wonder if submissive personalities are more likely to deny they have needs, not because they don't need them to be met.. but because they don't want to admit a hint of selfishness? Most subs I know have their needs met and that is why they go out of their way to make sure their mates are content.

i do squick at any idea of forcing myself or my needs forward - i dont equate anything that i want or need as selfish just that if i start pushing myself ahead of what he wants and needs then it feels wrong and im uncomfortable doing it.

that doesnt stop me sometimes

but ill just do it in a way that isnt expectant - im really quite bad at asking for something that i want and karmickly (

) ive started a relationship with a guy who wants me to ask for things as part of my surrender to Him - so learning curve coming up!

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/5/2010 12:57:16 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 108

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 1:55:24 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see that as a couple thing. It is a relationship that thrives on making each other happy. BOTH people get something from it. And when I read all these people saying stuff like "making him happy is my joy" ect ect.. to me that presents an idea that is unfair to new people coming into this.
I don't know many people who would do that for someone who gave nothing back. And if I were a newbie reading about how serving someone is what brings them satisfaction I shudder. It is never about one persons needs. It is about meeting the needs of both.

I have to agree with this. When I read from a sub who says 'My life is all about making him happy' I can't help but think theres some long and ongoing hedonistic game going on. New Doms looking in will get the impression that being a selfish bastard actually works and new submissives looking in will probably get off on his hot selfish fantasy but put that into reality and all you really have is a game based on fantasy.
There have been some good posts and good points made on this topic and I think the most important ones are those that clearly state that their needs are and have been met and that is why they can now devote their life to making their man happy.
Even I can relate to this and I'm not a submissive! I meet my partners needs every moment of every day and I do so because he inspires me, stands by me, is proud of me and takes care of me. Its the easiest thing in the world to meet all his needs but to get to this wonderful place, he had to also meet mine. There is no selfishness in our relationship. Theres a huge amount of order/structure, consistency, drive. After that, everything flows beautifully. If my partner tells me I can't do something, I never think he's being selfish. I know that he is saying no because he has the ability to think, judge and make a decision based on my welfare and how could I not respect that?

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 109

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 2:59:27 AM

PrimalConsonance

Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Our own lovely lally made a comment on the do-me sub thread, asking about "do-me dominants". Is there such a thing? And the one thing that popped into my head was, is being a dominant, by its nature, something that leans towards "do-me-ism"?? Obey me? Make me happy? My way or the highway?

(Just catching up on the thread...) We all know that there are people out in the community that 'believe' that they are submissive or dominant, but are actually more "vanilla-with-kink". These people use (or abuse) the lifestyle as a means of obtaining sexual favors in the name of BDSM. But it doesn't really go very far into BDSM, and for most; it's "first you blow me, and maybe I'll spank you...or better yet let's just have sex..." Some would say that's light BDSM, others might say differently. But it comes down to "Do-me" behavior, plain and simple in my book. It's the intent and end-game that is more important than promoting BDSM.

_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 110

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 5:50:03 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
I see that as a couple thing. It is a relationship that thrives on making each other happy. BOTH people get something from it. And when I read all these people saying stuff like "making him happy is my joy" ect ect.. to me that presents an idea that is unfair to new people coming into this.
I don't know many people who would do that for someone who gave nothing back. And if I were a newbie reading about how serving someone is what brings them satisfaction I shudder. It is never about one persons needs. It is about meeting the needs of both.

Miss,

Yeah I wish I thought it made sense to change how I am or how I express myself to make you and "newbies" feel safe or to meet some random criteria of "fairness". Wait...no, no I don't. *Looks up at the webaddress* Yep! We're still on CM.

My needs are met. I don't stay in relationships that are unhappy for either of us. I'm not foolish enough to stay in any relationship where my submission is taken advantage of and he doesn't address my needs. However, I find it odd to be criticized for voicing the feeling that expresses being submissive here.

As I stated before, my hierarchy of what is important includes his needs and happiness. I do legitimately have a very strong NEED to see him happy. It may come before my own needs, depending on what those needs are. I'm really not sure why you and jaz are responding in the way you are. It's absolutely nonsensical to me to critize someone that identifies as submissive for stating that they have a need to please their partner that is a very strong need. It isn't about getting nothing back. It's about pleasing the other person as being the thing you get back. It really isn't that novel a concept, the thing I hated doing before becomes a thing that I love because it makes him happy. His needs can become my own and vice versa.

The reality is knowing my propensity to put him first, I am very careful with whom I choose as a partner. Whether it is "fair" or not, it is a common feeling expressed by many submissives, yourself included in prior posts. It is probably another reason why we see so many people posting here in trouble for not addressing their needs at all. I agree, that's foolish. We tend to shout out "sub frenzy" at the drop of a hat, I think there's probably also a very real factor of not tempering submission with reality and compatibility. I think it is also why choosing a partner with similar needs to mine, honest communication and compatibility issues become very important. But yes, making him happy is a joy and his needs become mine. I can't imagine it any other way.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/5/2010 5:58:57 AM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 111

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:17:19 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

It is not a criticism at all. It is actually my point. We do things (bdsm, nilla or what ever) because we have a need to please our partner because they are doing something for us. It does not spring from nowhere. Most of us do not go around only living to please our dominant (or nilla mate) just because they are in our lives. We do it because that is what keeps the relationship healthy. Dominants (or nillas) do it too. Why? Because each of us does something that gives to the other.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/5/2010 6:19:12 AM >

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 112

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:46:51 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

It is not a criticism at all. It is actually my point. We do things (bdsm, nilla or what ever) because we have a need to please our partner because they are doing something for us. It does not spring from nowhere. Most of us do not go around only living to please our dominant (or nilla mate) just because they are in our lives. We do it because that is what keeps the relationship healthy. Dominants (or nillas) do it too. Why? Because each of us does something that gives to the other.

I agree, especially about the 'nilla part. All too often I read on this board how submissive people put their dominant first, dominants tell them to obey and they do to make the dominant happy, and the discussion of vanilla relationships is as if they lack partners that put each other in any sort of priority...

This has not been my experience either. Healthy people take care of their needs and look out for each others...whether their needs are to find a mate that they can be in a D/s relationship, or in some other way

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 113

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:53:13 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Most of us do not go around only living to please our dominant (or nilla mate) just because they are in our lives.

Yet you would be surprised by the number of D-types who think that an s-type's fulfillment should come strictly from living to please. It is ridiculous to give give give and receive nothing in return. In my experience this sort of dynamic is the norm in a D/s relationship, whereas in a vanilla relationship a partner is much more willing to attempt something more mutually-fulfilling.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 114

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:56:04 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Yet you would be surprised by the number of D-types who think that an s-type's fulfillment should come strictly from living to please.

Yeah, these sorts email me, and I cannot relate to that...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 115

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:56:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I found it the opposite, Katy. Most vanilla men think less of you for giving, while at the same time being only too happy to take advantage of it. I think my marriage might have lasted if I had been more insistent on what I needed. Instead he used up everything until I finally just didn't care about him anymore.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 116

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:57:41 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

It is why I am on a vanilla dating site, I find those guys more compatible with my sort of thinking.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 117

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 6:59:42 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I made a profile on one of those site...

I just think perhaps it is best to look amongst those in the real world... I get asked out, I get dates... it is just like everyone else, finding someone special is hard and I do not think it matters what flavor you are....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 118

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 7:01:46 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Julia - I agree. People are people, with their quirks and outlooks, some will mesh, some not so much. I just find that D-types, in general, do not seem to appreciate what I bring to the table, so I am looking for other tables.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 119

RE: Do-me dominants? - 7/5/2010 7:08:26 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I do legitimately have a very strong NEED to see him happy.

quote:

It isn't about getting nothing back. It's about pleasing the other person as being the thing you get back. It really isn't that novel a concept, the thing I hated doing before becomes a thing that I love because it makes him happy. His needs can become my own and vice versa.

thank you for clearing that up, laurel. i wasnt sure at first where you were coming from. but the above makes total sense to me. i too have a strong desire to please, and to be found pleasing. so strong, in fact, that i have to be careful to watch over it like that desire is a little girl about to be gobbled up by the big bad wolf. it can take me under, keep me deep, and refuse to ever want to see the light of reason.

so, yeah, i know exactly what you mean.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 120

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