Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. Page: <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 1:51:10 AM   
BentUnit


Posts: 897
Status: offline 		For me, and for me only.....

My limits are an indication and an outworking of trust.
Limits and boundaries are called at the beginning of the relationship.
As far as the other party is concerned he (or she) better view my limits as hard limits.
Riding me about them, bringing them up in every conversation and trying to assure me they have my best interests a heart annoys the absolute living fuck out of me and makes me balky and hard headed.
At very best you'll get a very terse, grit teeth No Thanks..at worst you'll be told to commit an unnatural act upon your person and I'll create a breeze as the door won't be hitting me in the arse on my way out.

My limits are mine to decide.
I decide when their boundaries are movable according to MY comfort levels and trust that the dominate has engendered in me.

Relationship and Trust.

Two keys that are critical to over coming self prescribed limits and boundaries for me personally.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 4:42:22 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2


quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB



The final sticking point for me is that you say you respect people's limits by agreeing to let them go at first, and be discussed later, but you've also made it clear that if, after discussion etc, the sub doesn't waver on her limit (re: my cutting example) then you and she will be incompatible and you will end the relationship. Why not just trust the person up front to tell you their hard limits (what they believe to be hard limits, not you, since you don't believe in hard limits) and if they list something that you absolutely need, end it then? Why the waiting game, if you're just going to find you're still incompatible down the road?



The thing is that sometimes people evolve in the relationship (on both sides) and the desires can become more "extreme".

I get what you're saying about hard limits being absolute. I feel the same way about a couple of things. Getting into a cage or other small space is not something I would ever do, it's a phobia and the sheer thought of it alone is enough to make me implode, therefore it's not something I have any desire to conquer. But putting aside the semantics of "hard limit" for a minute, I can say from my own experiences that there were things I once thought were hard limits, things that I swore I could never do, yet I ended up doing them when I reached a particular frame of mind. This is pretty common actually.

Some submissives want to conquer some of these "limits", some want to be pushed out of their comfort zone, and they want to put that decision-making process into the hands of their dominant. With trust and communication, they want to let the dominant navigate this process. It's not the same as stealing something from a person. If the sub and dom want the arrangement that way, and they are agreeing to it, then what's the problem.



I agree with marie. Many things I thought were hard limits once aren't now. Some things I consider very difficult are achievable with a partner I trust.

I don't agree that someone that pushes at limits is necessarily some evil asshat. Look at this the other way. It is my goal to be as open and available to him as I can in any way I can. If he can help me examine and explore the ways that I am not, I appreciate that in him, rather than resenting it. For me, it doesn't mean he doesn't respect that I have limitations, it means that we have the same goal for the limitations I have remaining.

That having been said, if you've found a partner that says refusing to do an activity that you've identified as being very difficult or harmful to you is really a deal breaker, you've found an idiot.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/12/2010 5:17:23 AM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 5:57:28 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i really dont have many limits that would impinge too heavily on a guy that ive made sure, through reading his profile and getting to know him, sit pretty much in the same ball park as my own.  those that i do have therefore tend to be pretty hard and fast.

the fact that i make it clear im not a heavy masso and that ill be a slutty ho for him but noone else (so no gang bangs), plus the usual scat, kids etc., ive never actually had a conversation with anyone about hard limits.

frankly i have no desire to be in a relationship where im denying someone something that is important to them - id rather pass right along than feel im impinging on their pleasure, so if in a conversation and they mention that they want me to be fucked by other men, ill just say no, sorry, we're not a match.

so basically my hard limits are un-pushable.  theres plenty im not that keen on, but theyre not hard limits, i can handle them by getting my pleasure from surrendering to him and there are things that ive never tried and seem a bit daunting, but that to me is no reason to hard limit them.   like others have said, sometimes you discover that something scary or formidable isnt in the end, if its done well and carefully.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:12:50 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

If they bite the pillow hard enough, you don't have to listen to em complain.


I hope this helps.


STOMP. .


_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:21:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I don't agree that someone that pushes at limits is necessarily some evil asshat. Look at this the other way. It is my goal to be as open and available to him as I can in any way I can. If he can help me examine and explore the ways that I am not, I appreciate that in him, rather than resenting it. For me, it doesn't mean he doesn't respect that I have limitations, it means that we have the same goal for the limitations I have remaining.


In my mind when someone "pushes" me into something, they are "forcing" me, or coercing me into something that I do not want to do. I do not see that verb as "helping" me. Perhaps I am being too literal, but "pushing" to me is someone threatening me with the relationship, or badgering me about something. It isn't asking me why I feel a certain way, or aiding me in questioning my own fears... I see a big difference between someone helping me explore my fears and pushing me to. I have had someone who helped me question my fears, and to readjust how I thought about things, but no pushing was involved....

I do not think a person is "evil" for being into pushing someone they are in a relationship with... I just hope the "pushee" knows what they are getting into. Some of the methods of pushing I have read on this thread would be extremely disturbing to me, and I would have to end any association with a man that used them.... for example telling me they would find someone else if I wouldn't engage in a particular kink that I found emotionally hard to engage in or had moral inhibitions about. I understand why a dominant might do that, and if it worked for them, fine, but it just wouldn't work for me....



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:28:37 AM   
WestBaySlave


Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline 		 My limits aren't pushable:

Snuff
Non-Monogamy

I find these is pretty much all the limits I need, as they cover all the actions I see as real limits, rather than just stuff I'm not comfortable with or don't like. Snuff is an obvious one, and non-monogamy covers others like women, children, animals, and other guys. The rest is all down to trust and mutual understanding.



(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:29:47 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
I agree with marie. Many things I thought were hard limits once aren't now. Some things I consider very difficult are achievable with a partner I trust.


Laurell, I agree with her too. I just don't personally believe that anything you find "very difficult" is a hard limit, because that implies that somewhere in your head you can comprehend doing it, and it's "very difficult" for you. My hard limits are, like I've mentioned, set in stone and will remain so till the cows come home. They're not changeable with time because they're things I consider morally incompatible, physically impossible (for me) or severely psychologically damaging. There is no way under any circumstances with any Dom on earth I would ever eat feces. I'll bet that no one sees a problem with me saying that definitively, and I'll bet that everyone else has similar-caliber hard limits, because otherwise we'd all be dead

I don't think anyone is evil for wanting to expand someone's horizons, as I already said. But if those horizons are expandable in a way that's healthy for both parties, then it's not a limit.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:35:11 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
I agree with marie. Many things I thought were hard limits once aren't now. Some things I consider very difficult are achievable with a partner I trust.


Laurell, I agree with her too. I just don't personally believe that anything you find "very difficult" is a hard limit, because that implies that somewhere in your head you can comprehend doing it, and it's "very difficult" for you. My hard limits are, like I've mentioned, set in stone and will remain so till the cows come home. They're not changeable with time because they're things I consider morally incompatible, physically impossible (for me) or severely psychologically damaging. There is no way under any circumstances with any Dom on earth I would ever eat feces. I'll bet that no one sees a problem with me saying that definitively, and I'll bet that everyone else has similar-caliber hard limits, because otherwise we'd all be dead

I don't think anyone is evil for wanting to expand someone's horizons, as I already said. But if those horizons are expandable in a way that's healthy for both parties, then it's not a limit.



You'd think that was true huh? I know that for me that's not been the case. There are still definitely things I will NEVER do, but there have certainly been things I saw as "hard limits" that aren't now. Those things are the "very difficult" things now. I have found that semantics are nearly as important at who your partner is and how much you trust them. Perceptions and fears can change.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/12/2010 7:55:05 AM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:37:04 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


There is no way under any circumstances with any Dom on earth I would ever eat feces.



Oh hell no. That and forcing me to watch wrestling, forget it. :)

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:54:30 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
There is no way under any circumstances with any Dom on earth I would ever eat feces.

Oh hell no. That and forcing me to watch wrestling, forget it. :)


See, football was once a limit for me, but I got tied to a chair once and pushed past it. It was horrible

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:56:57 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		haha sports aren't a hard limit for me, actually feigning interest and not looking at him and saying "I'm sorry are you speaking english?" when he goes on about them is!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 7:57:02 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
There is no way under any circumstances with any Dom on earth I would ever eat feces.

Oh hell no. That and forcing me to watch wrestling, forget it. :)


See, football was once a limit for me, but I got tied to a chair once and pushed past it. It was horrible



I feel your pain. Every guy I have ever been with was a football fanatic and I am bored by it. I had to concentrate on the tight ends and felt much better though.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 8:08:19 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
haha sports aren't a hard limit for me, actually feigning interest and not looking at him and saying "I'm sorry are you speaking english?" when he goes on about them is!


It helps if you're gagged - then you can say whatever you want and he'll never know!


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I feel your pain. Every guy I have ever been with was a football fanatic and I am bored by it.


What is the appeal?? The actual playing time is about four seconds every five minutes! I don't understand!!

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 11:25:00 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

From another thread that I didn't want to derail.

How Pushable are your Limits.

I say this because just about every woman I ever been with had a Limit on Anal Sex..... and every one eventually allowed me to do it and every one ended up loving it and LIVING for it. (Well maybe not THAT excited but that's how I remember it)

The Idea is how offten do you Limit something that scares you but you don't really know all that much about?

What Limits have you set that later on you had to reset because you fond someone you LIKED doing that thing with?

Curious Minds want to know.

QSM


~FR from the Top side~

For me, the limits that I have are solid and not "pushable". I don't mess around with "hard" limits or "soft" limits -- I just have limits, and those are dyed-in-the-wool "I'm not going there" limits. It is for this reason that, if someone approaches me to serve in my household, and that individual has a desire on that "not going there" list, I won't consider them for long-term service with me, because that desire would not be met, and eventually, xhe would be disappointed and dis-satisfied.

OTOH, I -will- accept a bottom, for short-term casual activities who has interests that I don't share, as long as our session will not include any of the items on my "not in this lifetime" list.

If there is something that I don't do now, haven't tried, but am only mildly reluctant, neutral, or ambivalent about, I don't put it on any "list" -- if it comes up, I'll evaluate it at the time, and if I decide to give it a try, I'll decide down the road how I feel about it.

When I was in service, at the beginning of my experience in this way of life, I came in via the 'submission first' route. While not the -only- way to enter into authority-exchange relationships, it -was- the only way to do so with the people that I wanted to participate with. Because of that requirement, the only way that I could have restricted what my Keepers wanted me to do, or did to me, was to walk away. I made the choice with my eyes wide open, and, honestly, with a bit of fear, knowing what it would mean, when I accepted the position in the household. I didn't go in blind, and I believed that I knew the people involved well enough to know that it was highly unlikely that they would ask anything from me that I would find myself unable to comply with on an ethical level -- and I accepted that, on an aesthetic level, in choosing to enter -this- household, under its rules, my own aesthetic preferences were, essentially, useless baggage. I took a deep breath and let myself stretch, telling myself all the time when stuff came up that made me twitch that I would be able to suck up any tendencies to be -unwilling- to comply with things that were squicky for me, but which I had no real aversion to. I learned a -lot- because of that decision... not only what I liked, but what I disliked and wouldn't voluntarily repeat once I had the choice. I think that it was, at least in part, because of the breadth and depth of my experience that I am able to say now, without apology, that the few things I have left as limits are rock solid.

I think, too, that that depth and breadth of experience led me to a place where, when a bottom or potential servant says "this is a limit for me", I take that as being as solid as my own limits, and I won't push that limit once it's been stated -- which, actually, has caused some issue with some of our servants who came in with "limits" -expecting- that I would push those limits, when, to me, if a limit is in place, it makes it a "no-go zone".

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/12/2010 11:26:36 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 12:53:30 PM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		The limits I have are there for a reason.  Period.  I shouldn't have to explain my reasons for the limits I have set, nor should  have to defend them.  They are really just what I feel is either extreme or the "EWWWWWWW, GROSS" factor is there for me.  Vomiting on someone is NOT a good way to sustain a mood!

One thing...mind fucks are fine, but using a hard limit as the mind fuck is also a no-go with me.  One dominant tried, and found he no longer had a sub.  Even now, I feel the sense of betrayal he caused, and this was well over 2 years ago that it occurred.  Once the line has been crossed, it's just impossible to trust someone again after a stunt like that.

_____________________________

I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?"...people are starting to take it as a challenge!

*Not a fuck was given.*

(in reply to DaddysInkedSlut)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 1:54:29 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3




quote:


Some submissives want to conquer some of these "limits", some want to be pushed out of their comfort zone, and they want to put that decision-making process into the hands of their dominant. With trust and communication, they want to let the dominant navigate this process. It's not the same as stealing something from a person. If the sub and dom want the arrangement that way, and they are agreeing to it, then what's the problem.






I don't know about anyone else but the problem I have is that all too often the submissives aren't agreeing to it. The dominant decides unilaterally that the sub can be pushed without bothering to ask. And then they kick the sub out when they find out that she really meant what she said.

The communication ought to come first. Yes, maybe this sub would have eventually changed her mind five years down the road. But the dominants who get upset aren't willing to wait five years and then discover that she still isn't willing to do it.

They're in it for the activity and not for the relationship. Generally speaking, life is easier if you believe people when they say that they aren't ever going to do whatever. Doing otherwise is a little too close to that old belief of men that women say no when they mean yes and therefore date rape isn't really rape.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 2:11:13 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		I have 'hard limits' and 'soft limits' and only one 'you gotta be really special limit'.

My hard limits will not be pushed, and anyone who tries will see my back as I walk away.

My soft limits vary with my comfort level, and depend soley on who I'm involved with, and if I'm switching from dom to sub mindframe. If I'm dom, they're usually things like 'no I won't do you with my strap on until you prove you aren't a waste of time.' If I'm sub, they're usually 'I don't want you to kill me, so we're going to take this reeeeal slow.'

My 'you gotta be really special' limit is reserved for all the men who attempt to put me in a sub mindframe. If I don't want to, then there's no pushing.


_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 2:22:33 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3




quote:


Some submissives want to conquer some of these "limits", some want to be pushed out of their comfort zone, and they want to put that decision-making process into the hands of their dominant. With trust and communication, they want to let the dominant navigate this process. It's not the same as stealing something from a person. If the sub and dom want the arrangement that way, and they are agreeing to it, then what's the problem.






I don't know about anyone else but the problem I have is that all too often the submissives aren't agreeing to it. The dominant decides unilaterally that the sub can be pushed without bothering to ask. And then they kick the sub out when they find out that she really meant what she said.

The communication ought to come first. Yes, maybe this sub would have eventually changed her mind five years down the road. But the dominants who get upset aren't willing to wait five years and then discover that she still isn't willing to do it.

They're in it for the activity and not for the relationship. Generally speaking, life is easier if you believe people when they say that they aren't ever going to do whatever. Doing otherwise is a little too close to that old belief of men that women say no when they mean yes and therefore date rape isn't really rape.



I think you have the quotes messed up Des, but I don't think consentual play and limits are remotely close to or in any way related to actual rape.

I also think that saying we change our limits doesn't really have much to do with idiots and/or people that don't listen or give ultimatums. I don't do idiots. I have had limits change. Many of us have. That's reality and it isn't going to change because there are idiots and rapists in the world.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 7/12/2010 2:24:00 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 2:43:17 PM   
KatSub12


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/1/2010
Status: offline 		I can discuss thing amicably, but don't push me.

< Message edited by KatSub12 -- 7/12/2010 2:44:04 PM >

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 7/12/2010 2:50:47 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
I also think that saying we change our limits doesn't really have much to do with idiots and/or people that don't listen or give ultimatums. I don't do idiots.


So would you agree that threatening to end the relationship when someone won't change a limit that you have always been aware of is an ultimatum?

*edited to say what I meant to say instead of what my hands apparently wanted to say

< Message edited by jujubeeMB -- 7/12/2010 2:51:58 PM >

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 120
Page:   <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. Page: <<   < prev  4 5 [6] 7 8   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109