Andalusite
Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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AQSM, I think I get where you and Jujubee are running into conflict. If I understand correctly, you try to date people only if their non-negotiable limits aren't areas you aren't interested in. If it's a negotiable limit that they are open to exploring with you, but not right away, then that's fine, and some things you're ok with doing with other people rather than her, but won't refrain from completely. She didn't say you're doing anything wrong, just that she wouldn't be compatible with anyone who had your approach to limits. If I knew upfront that someone liked pushing limits, and he wanted something, I wouldn't date him unless I was darned sure going into it that I could do that with him. Most likely, I just would turn him down, just as he'd have the right to turn me down for not wanting it. Realistically, though, going into a relationship, a lot of things are subject to change, or don't happen to come up in conversation. I try to discuss things and get as much of a sense of their needs and desires as possible, but I don't want to feel like, "Oh, gotta add that one to my limits list" all the time. If someone seems like they're going to nag or guilt me or uses ultimatums to get their way, I don't want to date him, even our limits, chemistry, an everything else is a good match. It's not a "fair" way of fighting/conflict resolution.
Jujubee, I think you're saying that your limits are pretty set in stone, for medical or other serious reasons. If someone has incompatibilities with your limits, you won't date him unless he agrees not to bring it up. You might change your mind later, but if you tell him that something is a hard limit, you don't want any further discussion on it.
I've dated a couple of people before who nagged about a boundary I had (not necessarily set in stone, but at least a "not right now"), and it really destroys trust. The first couple of times I ran into it, I assumed there was a miscommunication, but it became clear that they just didn't respect my boundaries. So, I had to dump them.
There's nothing wrong with refusing to date someone for any reason, including incompatible limits. If someone says, "Ok, you don't have to do x, but we might check back in at some point," then nags, guilt trips, or threatens to dump the person for not doing x, then they are a dishonorable person. If x is that important to them, they shouldn't have gotten involved with someone who had any qualms whatsoever about doing x. Unfortunately, some people get so blinded by "hey, I want him/her" that they don't really focus on compatibility, or don't realize how important x is to them until they have to do without.
< Message edited by Andalusite -- 7/12/2010 6:33:33 PM >
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RE: How "Pushable" are your Limits. - 
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I try to date people long enough before making a commitment to build trust, and I've rarely had to defend myself from someone pushing or nagging. I've had a couple of bad experiences before I learned better how to judge, but I was mostly able to head things off before it got too bad. Some guys are really jerks about doing that sort of thing, so it's not surprising that some people misunderstood and thought you were saying, "If she won't do 'x,' I'll keep bugging her until she gives in."
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