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ElanSubdued -> RE: Anal: How do i change a turn-off to a turn-on?? (7/12/2010 1:30:30 PM)
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Mariasgoneagain,
My last post was mostly about play technique. This is another, longish post that I hope gives insight about mindset. (i.e. how can you change anal play from a turn-off to a turn-on).
quote:
ranja:
Anal sex IS dirty... i mean how perverted do you have to be to actually take a dick up your poopshoot? Imagine playing with your asshole and actually getting turned on by it... how ridiculously gross and humiliating and slutty is that???
there is of course a number of things you can do (as advised by many posters) to ease you into ass play... but the most important thing is to appreciate the dirtiness of it, it is totally filthy, perverted and kinky... aren't you? don't you want to be? why?
This mindset may work for some, however, for many, myself included, this would not work. There is no right or wrong mindset, although I do tend to think doing something you don't want to, that will create resentment in you if you're not doing it willingly, is the *wrong* way to go about approaching a new activity. Trepidation, uncertainty, embarrassment, and just plain fear are things we all sometimes feel when approaching something new. But, doing something you loath or that you feel forced to do and the "forcing" isn't the kind you eroticize won't make you enjoy an activity. On the contrary. This kind of approach will make you fear and dislike an activity even more.
I'll give a personal example. I don't get begging. Begging is not a turn-on for me. I feel silly, inauthentic, disrespectful, and disrespected when I beg so being told to beg for something puts me in a negative headspace. For the "never say never" folks, yes, on occasion, in the right circumstance, I've been told to beg and this has worked in enhancing my sexual arousal, but this is the exception rather than the norm for me. Certain partners have, none-the-less, made me beg because they knew this throws off my equilibrium. This has worked only when there is enough trust built up. Even though I don't derive any pleasure from the begging itself, I've done what my dominant asked, because she asked. Just being obedient and hearing my dominant's encouragement ("you can do it; please, just for me; oh, good boy, I'm so proud of you!") is a huge turn-on.
Knowing your partner well enough and having enough trust in them such that you know they won't put you in harms way can help you with anal play. Eroticizing your partner's reactions (which I noted in my previous post) and/or going through something simply because you're devoted to making your Master happy and he has asked this of you are ways to turn yourself on. Mindset examples: "I'll do anything for my Master including offering my ass" and "I'm being a good little slut by offering all my holes for Master's enjoyment".
The fact you're researching anal sex, asking questions, and asking for help already shows your devotion. This is a great way to introduce yourself to something you are feeling uncertain about. Perhaps, if you feel comfortable with this, you could involve your Master in your research. It's fine to tell him "this frightens me and I'm worried it will be painful and messy, but I'm trying my best to learn about it". Show him this thread and look up books and teaching/training resources together. If you approach this together and your Master is lovingly supportive, this can help reduce your fears.
It's important to recognize that you can research *without committing to doing*. Perhaps what you need right now is to simply ponder different kinds of anal play. This is something to communicate, respectfully, to your Master - that you'd like to research first, before committing to trying. I think it's important that you underline you'll do your best to get to a point where you're willing to try, but that you cannot guarantee this. Myself, this is how I started with a number of kinks. I can think of one thing in particular that is now one of my favourites, however, when a domme first asked this of me, I was utterly terrified and told her so. The process of reading, asking questions, pondering further, trying the activity in question, gaining more experience with the activity, and, finally, coming to a place where I not only started to like the activity but to actually ask for it was about a two to three year turnaround.
The best way I know to eroticize anal play is to find aspects of it that give you pleasure: the feel of your cheeks against your partner's skin; the slutty emotions of offering *all your holes* for your partner's enjoyment; the increased strength of orgasms and finding new ways to orgasm; the sensation of being opened, stretched, and filled in a new way; the sense of accomplishment when you go from letting your Master touch your opening, to accepting finger(s) inside you, to taking a small plug, taking a larger plug, to attempting to accept your Master's cock, to not only accepting your Master's cock successfully, but also feeling pleasure with him inside you; the slutty feeling that yes, you actually are enjoying your ass in a way you never thought possible; the sound of your Master's voice when he says "good girl" and when he rewards you with treats for your efforts; the feelings of warmth when your Master orgasms inside your ass and he tells you you're the sexiest, most gorgeous woman on the planet, pulling you closer to him and kissing you hard. You may not be able to find pleasure in all these things, but some of them will likely help you along.
I think a key part of changing anal play from turn-off to turn-on is getting past the idea that your bum is just an "out" door and that it is "dirty" back there. Finding things that give you pleasure from anal play addresses part of this, but the whole "dirty" thing is something you can address too. I already mentioned one precursor to play: make sure you've not eaten for a few hours and have also had a full bowel movement. Something else you can do is to bathe and shower, paying special attention to your bum and to your anal opening. After this, sit back in a luxurious bath and when you get out of the tub, bask in how clean you feel *everywhere*. It helps a lot when you know your entire body is clean and smells good. If possible, try to engage in anal play soon after you've done both these things (bowel movement and bath) because this can minimize the worry that you're dirty.
I made a mistake in my other post in that penetrative, anal play isn't the only place you can start. Another place is a warm oil massage that includes your bum and anal opening. This can be a lovely feeling and no penetration is involved. Your Master can rub, pamper, and kiss you, and do other things that turn you on while teasing and playing with your bum too. This can help you feel good about sensations down there. You are already concerned about why someone would want to play with your bum so an anal message with no penetration may feel uncomfortable and weird at first. This is okay. Your feelings are your feelings. It's just fine to take things at your own pace. I suspect though, if you give yourself a bath as a described above, submit to a full body massage that includes your anus, and your partner pampers you in other ways, you'll find your bum starts to trigger some good feelings for you.
What you and your Master are doing is reprogramming your sexual response to include your bum and anal play as a trigger. I can certainly guarantee one thing... once you've experienced an earth-shattering orgasm from playing with your pussy while your ass is filled at the same time (you can do this solo with a butt plug inserted or your master can use a dildoe/butt plug in your ass while he licks, fucks, and plays with your pussy), it's hard to go back. The anal orgasm is a great salesperson. :-)
I've picked up the idea from your posts and from others that perhaps your Master isn't the most experienced at anal play. Should he also have things to learn, the two of you can learn together. The worst way to approach anal play is with force (mental or physical). The result is going to be painful no matter what you do. If you start something and your mind and/or body feels unwanted stress, fear, or pain, that's a good time to slow down, to stop (if need be), and to re-evaluate. While it's hot for a dominant (or anyone) to fantasize "I'll just fuck my slut in the ass", the reality is far from this. You can't just fuck anyone in the ass, even for those receivers who love this and who have lots of experience. Headspace, the amount of preparation, warm-up, and stretching you've done (yes, I mean gently stretching the anal opening), the way your body is feeling at the time, and many other factors effect the ability to enjoy anal play at a given moment.
Myself, I enjoy many kinds of anal play (receiving, and, if my partner enjoys it, giving too). I've got lots of experience with this and even still there are days when my body is tense or my mind isn't in the right place and it's just not going to happen... at least not in an enjoyable, pain-free way. This is something your partner needs to learn about if he doesn't know this already. I encourage you to find a constructive, loving ways to support your Master in this regard. One way is to share the materials you're learning from. This way, you don't have to directly comment on your Master's skills and instead simply share information he can learn from too. In a very real way, you'll both be learning together and this, in itself, can be very rewarding and can strengthen a relationship.
Side note: Skip the Analeze pseudo-anesthetic product someone suggested. There are two reasons for this. First, you need all your feelings and pain receptors working because these are your body's indicators that something is or is not working. Second, part of the learning process is to feel (and ultimately enjoy) the sensations in your anus. You can't do this if your senses are numbed. If you've decided to try penetration of some sort, find a sex shop that features dildoes and plugs for anal penetration. They'll have lubes that are ideal for anal play. Tell them you're new to this kind of play and ask them to recommend something (or, as I already suggested, you can't go too far wrong with Astroglide or Liquid Silk).
Elan.
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