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ORIGINAL: lally2

.... have to admit my mind and body wanders off a bit too  - i think that to some extent or another we s'types are sometimes wired in such a way that we need to be pulled to heel from time to time.  i kinda liken myself to a balloon on a long string - He has the string wound around his finger and lets me bob along and pulls me in from time to time when my head hits the clouds or i look like im gonna get tangled up in something i shouldnt.

being ostensibly a free spirit that is a bit of an oxymoron when it comes to submission.  i need the confinement of Him to keep me focused but i need my freedom to float and flit too.  both are a freedom and submission actually gives me greater freedom to be me because i know He has me on the end of the string to stop me from floating away completely.

it is about wanting to be in the right place all of the time but we cant always be perfect ... lol

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ORIGINAL: ranja

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ORIGINAL: lally2

.... have to admit my mind and body wanders off a bit too  - i think that to some extent or another we s'types are sometimes wired in such a way that we need to be pulled to heel from time to time.  i kinda liken myself to a balloon on a long string - He has the string wound around his finger and lets me bob along and pulls me in from time to time when my head hits the clouds or i look like im gonna get tangled up in something i shouldnt.

being ostensibly a free spirit that is a bit of an oxymoron when it comes to submission.  i need the confinement of Him to keep me focused but i need my freedom to float and flit too.  both are a freedom and submission actually gives me greater freedom to be me because i know He has me on the end of the string to stop me from floating away completely.

it is about wanting to be in the right place all of the time but we cant always be perfect ... lol

so i thought on this for a while and i do not really get the idea... at first glance it might sound rather cute to be a floating balloon on a string, but i have to say i am no air head, i do not bob-along in the clouds much, i am too practical...
so what do you do when you have no dominant to reel you in? would you disappear into space? i don't think so... so why expect a new man in your life to keep you grounded? why not govern yourself? 
Also i find the picture of a dominant man walking along with a balloon on a string quite a ridiculous notion, it might be a laugh on occasion when his sub is drunk or something, but if this is a picture of your relationship on a daily basis i wonder if the man is going to be happy for long holding the string of this 'balloon' in his fist... it seems a bit boring and lonely for him really, but everybody to their own.

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ORIGINAL: KariCloud

A very long time ago, someone illustrated to me her idea of what good submission was. She likened it to having a tiger on a ribbon leash. Her idea was that it was much more interesting and more meaningful to have a tiger on a ribbon leash than to have a timid mouse on a chain. She meant by it that she wanted a powerful woman to submit to her willingly, because the woman wanted to submit to her. She didn't want someone who's natural inclination is to submit to anyone. She also didn't want someone who was mindless, she wanted an active submissive, an intelligent submissive. Someone who constantly made the choice to submit, deliberately.

The image stuck with me even after all these years, though I can't remember who it was who painted said picture for me.

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ORIGINAL: ranja

Well, i am no free spirit, i am a married housewife... still quite my own person
My Husband has no 'thread of control', He simply is the boss... i may negotiate.

Before i understood much about my own marriage i did not really let him be the boss... i did not negotiate, i expected and demanded... it caused many problems, and i did not get my way, and we both felt misunderstood and lonely... i am very glad i learned my place.

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ORIGINAL: lally2
i really want to thank you for this, its made me think a bit on my perception of me.   i think i prefer the tiger on a ribbon to a balloon on a string.  i know its metaphors, but the imagery is important.

i think that in submission or in governing myself at times i become the pussy cat with retracted claws, i become passive and subdued and follow a mindset too literally sometimes.  its the slave-set i fall into i think, that allows me to settle into something even whilst my head is buzzing with questions.

odd! - i realise.

its a sort of self imposed entrapment.  oh bugger it.

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ORIGINAL: lally2

its not the free spirit that means i do as i wish when i wish, its much more of an internal thing, spiritual actually.  within the 'confines' of submission i am much freer to express that because in being allowed to be me and contained by submission and the control of another the freedom to express that side of me is then safe and can expand within parameters i trust to be there.

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ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I've had some submissives tell me that there are parts of my profile that bother them and I find that the parts that bother them is when I veer towards belief in things such as that expressed in the"bolded" statements of lally's above.  The first speaks to the idea of communication...surprise...and the idea that no one is a mindreader, not even us big, bad dominants.  The second speaks to the idea of "His/Her way...not mine...that's what I agreed to when I submitted.  And if I don't like His/Her way...is that on the dominant or on me?  Perhaps i should figure that out (introspection anyone?) before I put it off on the dominant. 
 
well, since writing that i had a wobble a couple of days ago.  its not that i stopped wanting to be His, i couldnt stop that now, just that voice of 'i want it to be this and it isnt right now and i need to take my power back a bit' came through - .  someone told me once that submission is all about taking two steps forward and one step back, the progression can be slow, but in a way it should be, it should be a mindful exercise in why youre taking those two steps forward and one step back, then reclaiming that lost step and adding another one forward.  the Dominant who responds to the step back with patience is the one that will keep the sub by His side.
 
'And if I dont like His/Her way...is that on the dominant or on me?' in my situation right now its entirely on me.  He has explained, more than once, very patiently, why i need to be patient.  its down to me now.  its not that i dont like its that i have to come to terms and theres alot riding on that.  but its His way and to keep in step means i accept that or lose something very special and im not going to do that.  i think in the end its about weighing up whether or not His/Her way holds you back from taking those two steps forward willingly.

 
Putting these into effect makes it easier then when the time comes for the dominant to "pull to heel" as cassandria noted.  From what I've seen here, it is an idea often expressed as something wanted by submissives and yet...fought against so many times.  And I am not just referring to those times when a dominant who is not yours and who you barely know tries to pull you to heel, I am referring to established D/s dynamics in which it happens.  How many times when it happens is there a bit of "it should be THIS way" thinking going on by the submissive?
 
i dont think you can stop the thinking processes.  the problem starts when the submissive puts their way over and above the Dominants way and allows that to take them over.  then you get a power struggle.  a submissive can struggle and often does - its in those moments of struggle that she/he takes that step back.  if the Dominant doesnt then pull her to heel by dealing with whatever caused the step back and if she doesnt respond to being pulled to heel you have problems.  in the end a sub can think what they like, but inside theyre looking for leadership at that precise moment, even if it isnt the direction they want, they need the reassurance of being pulled up close and taken passed the problem area.

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ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

The second speaks to the idea of "His/Her way...not mine...that's what I agreed to when I submitted.  And if I don't like His/Her way...is that on the dominant or on me?  Perhaps i should figure that out (introspection anyone?) before I put it off on the dominant.

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And I am not just referring to those times when a dominant who is not yours and who you barely know tries to pull you to heel, I am referring to established D/s dynamics in which it happens.  How many times when it happens is there a bit of "it should be THIS way" thinking going on by the submissive?

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ORIGINAL: porcelaine

I unspool when I see grave injustices that the other person refuses to address. More than likely I've tried to discuss it calmly and was ignored. But I recognize I cannot serve a man that doesn't emulate the principles he impresses upon me. Engaging in a power struggle is fruitless. I simply have to make a better decision next time around. Being willful just for the heck of it isn't my style. There's a definite reason that I'm rebelling. It isn't my usual countenance.

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ORIGINAL: ranja

Engaging in a power struggle with dominant is not advisable at anytime....
Though a better decision next time around? as in a new person? i do not think that is usually called for...
It is not about being wilful for the heck of it... nor rebellion... i think when somebody hits a seemingly unsolvable problem there often is something that they have not considered trying... my advice would be crafty manipulation and patience

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and in my experience success has a lot to do with getting inside the other persons head... really understanding them, and also seeing your own shortcomings... the more knowledge you have; the more understanding of the 'problem'  the more equipped you are to turn things around (your way)...

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i believe a person so often has so much more power to make things better than they are aware of, i think there are many situations that are unsolved or made worse because people feel it is the other persons fault and so within the other persons 'power' to resolve it, but often the other person is just as stuck and needs help too.

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Dominants generally do not like to be told what to do, and they do not like to ask for help, and they do not like to admit that they have no clue what to do, that is what a sub has to 'work' with... good luck to us all

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ORIGINAL: ranja

i understand what you are very eloquently saying... and i think you are not entirely right obviously sometimes to move on is the only option, i have no doubt that in certain circumstances it is the only and correct thing to do

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but one has to be very sure because a person can move from one person to the next and again and again... the down side to this behaviour is that it indeed leaves a lot of people very unhappy as do many of the people that end up walking totally alone...

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because the problem is that absolutely everybody is imperfect, mistakes will be made and the relationship will be tested ... if people can not work things out and run away from problems they will be alone and wondering why they have not met that one elusive lover...

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there are so many of them nowadays... ever-hopeful and that hope is dashed time after time after time... maybe they would spend less time being unhappy if they managed to work things out with their latest imperfect lover instead.

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ORIGINAL: ranja

Especially in our western society a person always has power even if they agree with their partner that they have none.
For the record, my Husband is the boss in our relationship that does not mean i have no power even though i am happy for Him to have it all

Some people are alone and want to be
more people are alone but would prefer to be with somebody
some people are with somebody and would prefer to be alone
more people are with somebody but wished they were with somebody else

and then there are some people who know they have to eat shit at times to be able to appreciate the good stuff too, because it never tastes all sweet...

but there are people who expect exactly that of course.

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ORIGINAL: lally2

i used to be one, until very recently in fact, who had a road map of sorts, methodology and expectation all sorted out - and then Bear came along  - the road map has gone out of the window and im realising that the ten or more years at this has in some ways pre-conditioned me to a format that there is no way i can impose on Him (lol) and i love that,  He has His own ideas.

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im not sure if it were anyone else id have capitulated.  He has listened to me, handled my wobbles but we continue as He wants it to continue and i realise i have no choice because i want no choice in this.  i want to be with Him for lots of reasons other than Ds and BDSM

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this creates a question in my mind.  how much is this about structure, design and expectation.  how much do we as subs arrive with a set format in our heads that needs to be met or we lose the thread of what we're doing.  isnt it then about the Dominant taking us through that 'rebellion' or wobble or momentary mismatch of ideas and us trusting that they have a keen idea where they are going and where they wish to take us.

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i agree that if there is a gross mismatch then its never going to work, but if there were a gross mismatch it would never have got going in the first place anyway.

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certainly for me ive reached a cross roads where its all about the road less travelled.  i trust the driver and im learning to let go of my pre-conceived notions.  it doesnt feel like rebellion when i wobble or ask or take a step back, im not testing Him - if i followed blindly without allowing myself to wobble (though i did fight the wobble and i did resist wobbling, but in the end it got the better of me and i, well, wobbled ) but it was ok because He remained consistant and emphatic and i was reassured.  each wobble simply reinstates His wishes on this and His wish is my command really, in the end.

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convolutedly then a step back or a wobble doesnt have to mean a failure in command, it isnt all on the Dominant in that instance.  much of that wobble belongs to the submissive, taking that wobble to their Master seems the next step and if that wobble is listened to, reassured and settled but nothing changes then it is an empass that the sub can choose to accept or reject.  in that situation the Dominant is only doing what Dominants do, emphasising their position on something and keeping true to it.  the submissive has done all that they can to alter that position in taking it to their Dominant - its then that the little voice either quietens down or refuses to.