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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 2:56:06 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i did suggest him building it, and i have no problem paying for supplies if he did. he response was simply- "i don't wanna".

Then he doesn't want one to play on.  It's that simple.

That is the response that you need to give in the future, whether you decide to make the purchase or not.


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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:06:31 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		you make a good point LM. like porcelaine had said, the cross would not be something i would have purchased anyway if he had not mentioned it. i get along pretty well with tying my boyfriend up to my bed and i would be quite content with it remaining like that. he has been with me for 3 years that have gone along quiet well- no arguments or anything of the like.so him throwing a tantrum is a big WTF to me. QSM- i understand your point clearly. my misunderstanding of the situation is that he brought up the idea so i would think he would want to at least help. and in the event that me and him were to part ways, he could have cross, so long as i were given my money back for it. before i bought my own place of residence, anything that i had bought with my roommate that we had purchased together but i had wanted it, i paid her back her share of the cost. i would have applied the same principle.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:18:39 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		Whoever is going to retain long term ownership of the item should pay for it. If you want to split it three ways and he was agreeable to that then there should be an agreement that he is paid his third if the relationship ends. If you are going to have an agreement like that then you should just pay for it yourself up front and be done with it. 

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:29:45 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Asylum,
This is a long term partner of yours.  You chose him.  To respond in a deliberately spiteful manner would not be appropriate in my world - I mean, why would anyone want to be involved with someone who deliberately is nasty and nee ner nee ner nee ner?  That would be a clue for me that they are not adult enough to be with me. 

As for the cross issue - it would seem that it is merely a symptom of a larger problem - the money issue.  In relationships, money often is an issue.  For you to be bringing this question rather than the deeper one suggests that you aren't even aware that it is an issue.. when it so obviously is.  You want him to chip in.  Be an adult and talk about it.  You've been doing this with your play partner since you were 18.  Circumstances change.  Dealing wth those changes is part of the process of becoming a more aware adult. 

Once you figure out what the real issue is, the cross will be a zit on the bum of a flea.

best,
sunshine

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:30:41 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		MissA, if you want to keep the submissive, then don't get the cross. When he asks, tell him that since you were unable to resolve who paid, you declined to buy it.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:30:56 PM   
BlackTigerDragon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/1/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i was thinking of doing an uneven split, but i was trying to keep things fair by all of us pitching in around 167 each. that obviously back fired. and as far as income levels go, he makes at least 50k a year, lives in an apartment, used and paid for car, unmarried and has no children. i didnt think putting in 167 would be a big deal.


I am a disabled art student on the benefit and I pay about 160 a week in rent. If he can't pay that once for something that he wanted he needs to stop baawwwwwing and stop treating his domme like his mother.

(in reply to MissAsylum)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:32:24 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		We split things all the time...dinner, toys, vacations, etc...<shrug>

In this economy it just makes sense. Neither of us are rich and I don't expect him to pay for everything just because he's "The Dom". Imo that's a ridiculous argument.

I don't ever worry about who will get what if we ever split up. It's just not a big deal to me. It's just things and things can be replaced.

(in reply to soul2share)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:38:24 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i got into a spat this morning with my longtime submissive. he has never paid to see me and has never paid for anything. yesterday after we had played together, he brought up the idea of getting a st andrews cross. i ran the idea past by boyfriend(whom my submissive has become friendly with) and he liked the idea for all three of us to use. he found one online that all three of us agree on that would be around 500 dollars. since its pretty expensive, i told them that we should 3-way split the cost because all of us would be using it. my submissive said he doesnt believe he should pay anything towards the cross since I am the Domme and that he was digusted by the fact that i would hit him up for money. i told him that if he felt that way, he could forget about using it since my boyfriend and i would be paying for it. he stormed out in a huff as a result. is there a rule somewhere that the top or dominant has to front the costs for all the equipment?


Ok, so I read all the responses and some of them are making a lot of sense. However, as is quite typical around here, the mind set tends to slant in favor of the domiant.

Think about what you said here. He is "your" sub, but you complain that he doesn't pay to see you. Yes, I understand that you bill yourself out as a pro, but obviously he isn't one of your clients. Do you feel "ownership" of all your clients? I highly doubt it. Seems obvious to me that on some level you are resentful of the fact that YOU chose to make him "your" sub and not maintain him as a client. At the same time, he is a secondary relationship and you really only deem him as someone you play with. Quite frankly, you have failed to communicate (as several have said) the scope of the dynamic between you. Based on the posts you regularly make here, it would seem that you regularly fail to communicate things and then question why they don't turn the way you want.

Do I think he should pay for a portion? There are a great many other variables to make a determination on that. I don't think him going off in a huff was appropriate. But two wrongs don't make a right, and you need to own up to your own shortcomings in order to start resolving some of the ongoing issues you seem to have (based on your posts here).

(in reply to MissAsylum)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:42:03 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMondenschein

Miss Asylum,
Once again, he should be OFFERING to pay for things for you. Especially if this latest piece of equipment is his idea. Regardless of how long he will be on it. Did you ever think to tell him that he should be helping you out financially with your overhead? He sounds like a major cheapskate to ME. Were I in your shoes, I would never allow that kind of behavior from someone who supposedly is a sub, and if that kind of behavior is not dealt with right here  and now, he's going to go on bein' a lil bitch brat boy who has a mind set like much of the children I see these days: that no one is going to discipline them for their nasty ass behavior. I would put MY high heeled foot down right now and tell him that he'd better change his attitude or else. And if you and your bf want to still get the cross, get it, but then if that fucktard for a sub you  have wants to play on it, have his ass pony up some cash for the privilege.


Obviously you are among those dominant women who are looking for a boy toy to foot the bill for your life. I'm sure that like everything else, you find men willing to throw money at you for the pleasure of your disgust with them, but for most in RELATIONSHIPS, the princess looking for the free ride is really too humorous to talk about.

(in reply to LadyMondenschein)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:46:15 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		sunshine- i agree that there is a deeper issue at hand. he currently is not speaking to me. i'm simply waiting for him to come around in his own time.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:49:25 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Asylum,
I seem to have not been clear.  The issue is YOURs as the leader of the relationship, not his.  YOU are not taking charge of the relationship, having the discussions that need to be had. 

best,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:51:17 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i did suggest him building it, and i have no problem paying for supplies if he did. he response was simply- "i don't wanna".

It sounds to me like he doesn't want that cross very bad. He sounds like a gimmee gimmee gimmee spoiled lil brat. Wah wah, "i don't wanna." Spoiled lil brats need to be shown they don't get everything they want. Daddy and i neither one are unusually well-off and we share expenses.

~sweetsub~

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:53:29 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		MissAsylum,

I have a suspicion but I need confirmation of one thing first. Has the submissive ever purchased anything for you at all without prompting? Gifts, flowers, etc. in the three years you've been involved?

~porcelaine


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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:56:04 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Tell him you can't afford it. If he wants to buy it and have you use it on him at his place, that's fine. But you aren't in the market for one now yourself.

The person who is going to keep it should be buying it imo. But that means that's the person who decides whether or not to buy one.


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 3:59:19 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		uh no. there is no resentment towards him. i bill myself as both a lifestyle and a pro domme. i made the choice to take him as a my submissive. my clients are just that- clients. if they would like something to be used in a session, what they pay goes towards the equipment. i thank you for your input- but i have to disagree with the bulk of your post.

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I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 4:05:18 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		he buys me cupcakes for my birthday and took me out to dinner when i graduated from university last year. and thats it.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 4:07:31 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		MissA

I dont see an issue splitting the cost since it is a long term relationship. I dont think dominants should foot the bill for all the toys ect nor should the submisisve. There are things that Daddy likes me to have. He buys me those. There are toys I want. I buy myself those.

We do have some toys we  have purchased together. We are looking for some items such as furniture, those things will be purchased together and stay at my place since that is where we play. If we ever split up I would insist he either take certain things with him or allow me to pay him what he put into it.

Couples purchuse items together all the time. Why is this any different?

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 7/20/2010 4:08:34 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 4:15:59 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

uh no. there is no resentment towards him. i bill myself as both a lifestyle and a pro domme. i made the choice to take him as a my submissive. my clients are just that- clients. if they would like something to be used in a session, what they pay goes towards the equipment. i thank you for your input- but i have to disagree with the bulk of your post.


Well, of course you are going to disagree with my post. Just like this "sub" you have taken on and are complaining about, you tend to disagree and dislike anyone who doesn't pat you on the back for getting out of all the messes you somehow end up in.

Yes, your clients pay for the cost of what is used through their fees. But if he is a sub you have taken on outside of your "professional" life, then you have NO right to even mention how you have never charged him for sessions.

Lots of people talking here. Lots of people telling you that you need to look at what YOU are doing wrong. Grow the hell up and listen. Nearly every post you make is some wild ass crisis that you seem to find yourself in. It's been said many times that YOU must be attracting these types of things. So it is time to get off your holier than thou, I beat a drug addiction and being homeless horse and face that fact that based on your posts here, you haven't managed to put a good deal of your past behind you and continue to surround yourself with people and events that cause problems. If you can't manage or refuse to resolve what YOU are doing to cause the problem, then for fuck's sake, quit complaining about it all the time. The advice isn't suddenly gonig to swing your way no matter how much you disagree with it.

(in reply to MissAsylum)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 4:59:51 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

he buys me cupcakes for my birthday and took me out to dinner when i graduated from university last year.and thats it.


Your situation reminds me of the complaints some women make about their partners that never buy them anything. I can say that there are three contributing factors to this, though I'm ruling out one given the longevity of your dynamic and the response above. In my opinion this boils down to the fact that the gentleman is not financially invested in the relationship. While he may share other aspects of himself, in terms of money, that is not available to you.

As a woman, I can assure you that if he desired for you to have the cross you would. He might inquire if it was something you were interested in adding to your home, but that would be the extent of the discussion. You would never have to solicit money from him at all. And for the life of me I've never understood that about women. Men spend money when they wish to. He will make it abundantly clear that his preference is to provide and there will be no pussyfooting about it. Irregardless to the reasons involved, your response suggests that it isn't something he believes you're entitled to. And yes, I meant to say that.

Respective earnings aside, it wouldn't matter if his coffers were light. If he wanted you to be monetarily spoiled he'd do such without hesitating. He withholds that for a reason and given the other factors involved they may be a big part of his unwillingness to open his purse strings.

~porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 7/20/2010 5:03:17 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/20/2010 5:13:34 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		well i'm glad you took the opportunity to get your opinion about me off your chest. thanks for the input.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 40
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