RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (Full Version)

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porcelaine -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 2:54:51 PM)

In my opinion his silence is very telling, and I'm not addressing your response but the lack of followup from him. In spite of the ideas that run across my mind that inspire me to state my opinion, I'm aware when I've crossed the line. To storm off without offering an apology and seeking my partner's pardon is hard to fathom. I understand the need to gather ones thoughts and approach the situation in a calm state, but that's a slippery slope that implies a privilege that has not been granted in this case. You didn't direct him to do such, he took the liberty of doing it on his own. There has to be an internal willingness to cede to the authority one has sworn allegiance to. I'm a slave and at the end of the day He's the law. It would seem the gentleman has forgotten his place.

~porcelaine



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 3:30:55 PM)

She is a pro domme, as well as a private domme, This sub is her personal sub, NOT a client, so being a pro, has no bearing on this problem.
quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas

If you were a Pro, this would NOT be an issue.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 3:40:02 PM)

I don't agree. A dominant can be lenient, and still be a good Dominant, Leniency doesn't mean you're not a good dom or effective, or that it'll allow for bigger blow ups to happen. In  fact, and it's just me, but I wouldn't date a dominant who took such a hard ass view as no tolerance, even for the littlest things. To me it just makes the person come across as a bully, and not someone I'd ever get involved with, or come near with a 10 foot pole.  I behave myself properly, based on my respect for their position in my life, being a hard ass, about every little infraction and slip up, won't make me want to behave them more, it'll make me feel like they are a tyrant.

If I valued someone enough and the position they had in my life, out right tantrums or disobedience were very few and far between.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer


Whilst Rochsub makes us malesubs sound a lot more like bulldogs than I'd like with his 'they can smell your fear' views etc. (cheers for that, RS [;)]), that does serve to underline the principle.  This is that a dominant has to operate with a zero-tolerance policy from the outset and even with the smallest things. 



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 3:50:26 PM)

Most Doms, and not to speak for all of them, but a lot, feel it's ok to ask for things, and ask for activities PROVIDED the sub asking is respectful, and accepts the answer the dom gives as final word on the subject.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fitv27
I just think it is strange for a submissive to be asking his mistress what he would like to be done.



marie2 -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 7:03:53 PM)

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

If I were you, I'd purchase the lumber and hardware needed, and have the sub make the cross.

If he doesn't know how to, tell him to research it and learn.



xxblushesxx -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 7:19:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: aphotic

In regards to the OP...

I've had dinners that I paid for entirely that required more lucre than splitting that cross 3-ways, and at that, they were terrible one-n-done events. I don't even like crab... it's a hell of a lot of work for minimal gain (and that yellow stuff--damn the yellow stuff). Sorry, quite aside the point, but unless someone is your household submissive--or in your care by mutual decision--then he should be putting forth as much as everyone else.

You can't get two people up a hill without both parties walking, unless of course, one of them is a mule. Don't make an ass of yourself by carrying him.


Sorry for the hijack, but can I just say that the posts you've been making recently make me both laugh out loud, AND think.

So, thank you for that.

OP, as others said, if he wanted to come up off it he would. UNLESS there is a money issue at this particular moment you're not aware of. Money stressors can make people act in odd ways.

I do tend to think it's not the issue though, unless he's had three years of money issues. Come to think of it...many of us have these past three years, however.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/21/2010 9:11:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

As someone on the outside, my concern is over his lack of respect. He seems to have no respect for the fact that HE wants YOU to buy a cross for HIM at $500. He doesn't want to contribute at all.

Call me crazy...that doesn't sound very "submissive". It sounds more like a pushy, demanding, mouthy ass person.

If it had been me, I might be missing some teeth and being dropped on my own ass for being so disrespectful. As the s-type, he's not supposed to be the one making the demands.

If I'm wrong here, please let me know, cuz I think I may have this whole "In Charge/not in charge" thing backwards.



Bingo!  Particularly the parts that I have highlighted for emphasis.

I know that every relationship is different, and that the dynamic is a function of the two people involved.  Nevertheless, the definition of "submission" that M.A.'s sub is using is obviously different than the one that you or I are using. 

He seems to be treating her more like one might treat a pro Domme, rather than how an "owned slave" would treat his Owner.



MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 4:34:30 AM)

yes it is all unthinkable. as i told jen and how you responded to the same post, never in our relationship have i ever had a problem until now. there was no need for disiplinary action, and i'm not going to punish somebody when they've done nothing to merit it. why has he not contribued to things in the past? i pretty much buy everything on my own. toys, outfits, etc. yes they are expensive, but i already had a mind to buy them. why has he only bought me cupcakes(a whole box, not just one lol) and took me out to dinner once? we don't have that type of dynamic, and i'm just fine with that. my boyfriend whom i have been with longer also has a say in my D/s relationships to ensure he is comfortable. gifting, treating to dinners frequently, things of that nature- he feels is stepping into his territory. as his partner, i respect that. however, since this doesn't fall under the catagory of "gift" and moreso "investment" that all 3 persons would have split the cost for, i saw no reason for his reaction.



crazyml -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 4:59:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

well i'm glad you took the opportunity to get your opinion about me off your chest. thanks for the input.


Nicely done MissA



crazyml -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:18:37 AM)

Ello

I'm kind of with QSM here; as a basic rule:
quote:

ORIGINAL: AQuietSimpleMan

Yeah there are things you should NEVER Split the cost on because then who actually owns in?
Furniture.Car. Toys.Property.

When all things are said and done... who gets to keep it if everything goes to hell?

THAT is the person who should pay for it.

QSM
 

Now there can be exceptions, and I don't think you've been unreasonable. Ultimately your sub needs to be a little less of a baby and make some choices - either he contributes, or doesn't get to play.

Could you have handled it better? I'm sure you could. If I'd been in your shoes though, I think I would have handled it a lot worse (I would have told the sub to fuck off and not come back till he was ready to apologise for being such a fucking little baby).

There's been a lot of good advice here, esp from Roch, porceliane, and LadyP



DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:19:49 AM)

I have to ask, why are so many people so upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right? Does money spent really dictate how someone fits into our lives? Perhaps the fact that she also has a boyfriend outside of this D/s relationship plays a role in that, perhaps its simply not their thing. However, its bizarr to me to hear people say, because someone doesn't spend money on you they can't be devoted or really want to be part of your life.



crazyml -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:25:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I have to ask, why are so many people so upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right? Does money spent really dictate how someone fits into our lives? Perhaps the fact that she also has a boyfriend outside of this D/s relationship plays a role in that, perhaps its simply not their thing. However, its bizarr to me to hear people say, because someone doesn't spend money on you they can't be devoted or really want to be part of your life.


Eeek - I must have missed all these posts - Who is upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right?



MissAsylum -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:28:51 AM)

my boyfriend spoils me rotten, i really don't need money from somebody who isn't a client.



crazyml -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:30:38 AM)

Hmm...
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Yes, your clients pay for the cost of what is used through their fees. But if he is a sub you have taken on outside of your "professional" life, then you have NO right to even mention how you have never charged him for sessions.


I think she has every right to say what she likes provided that it is within the guidelines. Moreover, it is very germane, since we know her to be a Pro, it would have been one of the questions that I would have asked.

quote:


Lots of people talking here. Lots of people telling you that you need to look at what YOU are doing wrong. Grow the hell up and listen.


On reading the full thread MsA seems to be having a reasonable dialogue with pretty much anyone who is prepared to enter into one... What is it about her responses that is making you so very very angry?
quote:


The advice isn't suddenly gonig to swing your way no matter how much you disagree with it.


Alas, the advice isn't nearly as one sided as you pretend.



DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:39:43 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I have to ask, why are so many people so upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right? Does money spent really dictate how someone fits into our lives? Perhaps the fact that she also has a boyfriend outside of this D/s relationship plays a role in that, perhaps its simply not their thing. However, its bizarr to me to hear people say, because someone doesn't spend money on you they can't be devoted or really want to be part of your life.


Eeek - I must have missed all these posts - Who is upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right?




A couple of people keeping bringing up that he bought her cupcakes for her b'day and only took her to dinner once. That is what spurred my last post.



SirsJewel -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:44:43 AM)

What are You doing with this person then? They seem spolied and cheap and You're not being very stern as a Domme what is expected which isn't a free ride for anyone. It takes money to pay. Master and i often have split costs. He wants me there,He gives me gas and tolls to get back usually etc. i see a major power problem there with communcation. Best of luck ~ jewels



DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 5:48:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SirsJewel

What are You doing with this person then? They seem spolied and cheap and You're not being very stern as a Domme what is expected which isn't a free ride for anyone. It takes money to pay. Master and i often have split costs. He wants me there,He gives me gas and tolls to get back usually etc. i see a major power problem there with communcation. Best of luck ~ jewels



Again why does someone have to spend lots of money on someone to show they are devoted to them? Perhaps its simply not part of their dynamics. And I dont see her submissive asking for a free ride. That is a bit of a dramatization IMO.



crazyml -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 6:02:55 AM)

Ok, so just to level-set, we've gone from "so many people"..

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

I have to ask, why are so many people so upset that MissA's sub doesn't spend money on her left and right?


... to a couple of people...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

A couple of people keeping bringing up that he bought her cupcakes for her b'day and only took her to dinner once. That is what spurred my last post.


I don't think anyone has actually suggested that the sub ought to be spending money "left and right"... but the fact that in three years he's only bought her cupcakes for a birthday, and taken her to dinner once does seem to indicate to me that he could do a whole lot more spending before becoming even close to spending money "left and right..."

I get the impression that if there were a scale, with "totally tight fisted bastard" being 1 and "Total money pig" at 1000, this chap is .... well let's be generous and say "a four or five..."






porcelaine -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 6:07:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

A couple of people keeping bringing up that he bought her cupcakes for her b'day and only took her to dinner once. That is what spurred my last post.


I posed the question before my second comment was made to get a frame of reference regarding the relationship. She didn't understand his offense and I asked if he'd ever extended himself financially without provocation. The remarks regarding cupcakes and dinner came from the OP. My response was that the individual was not financially invested in the relationship and because of this he saw no reason to contribute to the purchase. And while you may be comfortable being in situations where the other party has no desire to share of themselves in this manner, there are many that think otherwise.

~porcelaine



BoiJen -> RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? (7/22/2010 6:30:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

Again why does someone have to spend lots of money on someone to show they are devoted to them? Perhaps its simply not part of their dynamics. And I dont see her submissive asking for a free ride. That is a bit of a dramatization IMO.


Honey,

This isn't about the money actually. It's about the disrespect. I don't care if Mr.Man had asked for a 50 cent lollipop to go with his sissy outfit and demanded that MissA pay for it...he DEMANDED that she pay for something HE wants.

Again, call me the one who flew the coop, this demanding shit doesn't sound very "submissive" to me and it sure as hell wouldn't fly in this house.

boi



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