RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (Full Version)

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wandersalone -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 5:39:18 AM)

I am not willing to accept less or " settle" as I get .....errrrr....less young [:D] however something I have noticed is that I am less hung up on looks. 

I freely admit that I have always been fairly shallow and that is probably why I have had a lot of short term relationships - they guys looked nice but we had nothing in common.

So for me now I look for different things than I looked for a few years ago, I look for someone who makes me laugh and who arouses my mind.  The person I am seeing now is someone that I would have walked straight past a couple of years ago ....I am thankful that I finally am maturing [:)]

I guess what I am saying is that my list of physical must haves has changed and been relaxed but the personality and inner characteristics have remained the same ...and none of this is out of a fear of being alone as I have a very rich and fulfilling life but more about me having grown as a person and recognising (finally) that the pretty outward facade can mask a very ugly interior.



wandersalone -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 5:46:07 AM)

HK, none of us can know what it is like for you to be living with chronic pain however this doesn't give you a get out of jail free card to be rude and abusive to someone else.

Most of us do not know the hardships in the lives of the other posters, I do know that chronic pain and health issues are something that many many people on here live with daily, not only you however we do not use this as an excuse to be rude or to diminish what others are experiencing in their lives.

Yes your experience sounds extremely frustrating for you but it may serve you well to remember that you are not the only person suffering.

I do sincerely wish that I had a magic wand to take away everyone's suffering (though I confess I would use it on myself first) [:)]



sexyred1 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 9:41:37 AM)

I don't want to be bitchy, but I am finding it hard to believe that everyone who is single is perfectly and totally happy to be so.

I also find it interesting that so many men and women are saying they have relaxed their standards; if profiles are any indication, that is untrue. You see all sorts of people asking for things that they probably will never find.

I also find it hard to believe those that are saying that those of us single people have something wrong with us that we cannot connect with another.

It is like the million emails and conversations I have on a daily basis where someone, male or female says, "how can YOU be single? shocking!"

It seems many cannot understand that it is who we meet that is the issue, not us, at least in my case. Just because I have not met the NEXT one, does not make me some psycho bitch for being suddenly single.

I think it would be more concerning had I remained in my toxic relationship for any longer time than I already wasted in it.

I honestly do like myself better now, feel I am a better woman and respect myself and what I have to offer than at any other time. So if I choose to only share myself with someone who I respect and admire and who offers me the same, that is what I will do.

I wish I was desperate; then I would be busy every night!! But alas, I am not desperate so will continue on my path towards whatever or whomever is waiting.




Lockit -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 10:46:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

I'm thinking it's great that you got yerself a dog. You don't have to engage with another human being. I'm guessing that some human being out there has been saved from trying to have a relationship with someone who would rather have a Collie.

How sad and pathetic that you cannot lower your defenses enough to connect with another person.

And that goes for the majority of you all who claim you aren't willing to "settle". It's not other people, it's you. You have problems and issues that you haven't dealt with, and possibly cannot deal with, so you pretend it's everyone else who cannot meet your standards.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that you voluntarily take yourselves out of circulation. Those of us who are looking to connect with another imperfect, vulnerable soul can avoid wasting time with you all.



HK, it is not a matter of not being able to connect with someone else and having issues that prevent it. It is a choice. Because I want a man who is honest, honorable, ethical, fun, intelligent and who fits well with my life and personality, doesn't mean I am expecting perfection and using that as an excuse not to have to connect with anyone. It isn't a defense. It is a choice in how I wish to live my life.

I don't want the crazy drama of some. Come on now... I know that we both have been involved with the drama filled and what good came of that? You might be willing to go there again, but I am not. I am not afraid to go there... I simply do not wish to waste what time I have left in this body, fighting to make something work that really is dysfunctional, painful and a waste of time.

I can be a bit lonelier or not as joy filled alone much easier than dealing with the drama of a bad fit. I am not looking for perfection, but perfect for me and perfect for me isn't perfect meaning no fault. We must be realistic. If I know I don't get along with a guy who must have his wine each and every night or with every meal... then it is best not to date a man that needs or wants this. If I need a man who can understand my health issues and not blame me for them or feel they have cheated him, then is that an issue that prevents me from getting close to someone if I expect him to be able to handle it all?

There is wisdom in what our choices are or there is the chance for chaos. You've lived it and I know you have. When we accept chaos to have someone, I couldn't consider that someone, no matter how nice it would be to have a sleep time buddy. There can be a less likely fit that wouldn't amount to chaos, but still, it is a personal choice to take that chance or not. You could find a decent person who simply doesn't fit you and the joy of the first days of no more loneliness end in boredom and lack of excitement or trying to force feelings that one cannot bring about in gratefulness of just having someone there. Then chaos has a way of entering often times.

Here we are sharing how we feel and you are disrespecting people because of how they chose to live their life, right or wrong, good or bad... it isn't your business to be rude, correct or accuse here. Just because you think your way is the right way, doesn't make it so and I believe many would disagree with you. But... no... we can't have a disagreement in how we each live our own lives without what I see as red flags in temperament and how one acts with another. That says a lot to me and it says... watch out, this guy has a problem or two I don't wish to deal with.

Many people deal with their choice to wait for someone who is a good fit and if they get a pet, watch movies, go out hunting or whatever, isn't a sign of dysfunction. It is a sign of someone dealing with their alone time. It isn't a replacement, but a joy on it's own and believe me, when the right person comes along it won't be a hindrance to making something happen. To jump to the conclusion that someone filling their life during a time of being alone as a real emotional issue is rather presumptuous with a hint of anger, which I have seen in you before. I find that more of a sign of something wrong than someone loving a pet and enjoying being single until they find the right fit.



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 4:28:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

I'm thinking it's great that you got yerself a dog. You don't have to engage with another human being. I'm guessing that some human being out there has been saved from trying to have a relationship with someone who would rather have a Collie.

How sad and pathetic that you cannot lower your defenses enough to connect with another person.

And that goes for the majority of you all who claim you aren't willing to "settle". It's not other people, it's you. You have problems and issues that you haven't dealt with, and possibly cannot deal with, so you pretend it's everyone else who cannot meet your standards.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that you voluntarily take yourselves out of circulation. Those of us who are looking to connect with another imperfect, vulnerable soul can avoid wasting time with you all.


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I pondered all of this, and yes - I did come to a compromise. I got a dog. He's playful, affectionate and loyal, and he doesn't steal the remote.

Life's good.

WinD


Man, HK, you sure are a ray of fucking sunshine aint ya?

Bless your heart.



porcelaine -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 5:10:33 PM)

In my opinion there's another side of this that hasn't been addressed and it has nothing to do with settling but the things an individual does or refuses to do that compromises their ability to find a companion. I can only speak from the female perspective, but I've noticed some interesting things in my travels and during the moments I spend people watching and reading forums like these.

I encounter women everyday wearing a scowl, poorly coiffed, or oblivious to any of the things men find pleasing and vehemently opposed to employing them. They complain about the lack and have never considered if they're part of the problem. The expectation that he will see them as they do or adopt a female oriented mindset towards dating baffles me. It's my belief that many women could alter their situations if they did a little introspection and desisted in trying to turn men into quasi women while denouncing their femininity in the process.

I don't believe it's really an issue of standards but oftentimes a projection that sends a message to the other person that their presence is unwelcome and should it be entertained it will be according to a laundry list of things that rarely exhibit the uniqueness that manliness brings to the equation but is truthfully akin to a girlfriend in male clothing. While I'm not suggesting that there aren't problems on both sides, I cannot dismiss the fact that for many their singleness is a condition of their own making and not always one they did with that intended outcome.

~porcelaine



KatyLied -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 8:24:44 PM)

Not being desperate for a relationship and having a busy life gives me freedom to not have to settle.  I date, spend time with my family and friends and have a full social calendar.  I am able to connect with many people.  I have not yet found the one because our paths have not yet crossed.  I can be patient and wait.  It does not mean that I am damaged or unable to open myself to the possibility.  I think about it, visualize, imagine it and sometimes petition the universe kindly.  My life is good and will be fine, even if I do not meet the one.  It is not in my realm of thinking to accept less because I do not want to be alone.  I want someone who will enhance my life; just as I see myself enhancing his.  No need to settle here.



Twoshoes -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 11:20:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
The expectation that he will see them as they do or adopt a female oriented mindset towards dating baffles me. It's my belief that many women could alter their situations if they did a little introspection and desisted in trying to turn men into quasi women while denouncing their femininity in the process.
~porcelaine


I completely agree with you.

I recognized in myself, that physical beauty is not as important to me as someone's effort towards their physical appearance. My mind easily dismisses symmetry, echoism, golden ratios, averageness, wrinkles, dress size, hair color and just about anything else as long as it appears the person appears to be leading a healthy lifestyle and projects self-worth.

I do wonder why some women describe "a girlfriend in male clothing" for their potential partner. I'll give you the flip side. (Keep in mind I'm 22 so I have experienced this in recent years).

Some of the advice women give to men and young boys is absolutely insane. Directed at someone else: "You have a nice personality, befriend her and she'll develop feelings of love for you."

I've come to the conclusion, that the best way to go about it is for someone more experienced of the same sex to be doing the teaching. Then one can get a relatable explanation.

I asked a older gentleman (about 45), not long ago, what the point of pulling out chairs, putting on coats and helping a woman out of a car is. All my mother's friends and my many female friends from school had convinced me that it was supposed to make me appear nice and thoughtful, although it wasn't even necessary.

This man pointed out to me that all these things build comfort and trust. Then he added with a sly grin, that one can briefly view a woman's legs when you help her out of a car or smell her perfume while helping her on with her coat. That's all the motivation I'll be needing.

My uncle (~ 38 yo) constantly inquired about my nutrition and participation in sports. My mind wouldn't connect the dots back then, since I was lead to believe women don't care about muscles. My informed advice is to not worry about it, but stick to doing butterfly laps [;)].

If a woman wants a gentleman to put on her coat specifically for the sake of being nice or out of idealism, well...

Do I understand why women care about my shoes? No. Is this useful information even though I cannot relate to it? Yes. Am I going to get offended and wait for someone who doesn't care about shoes, since I cannot relate? Am I going to make a collarme profile and put naked pictures there and state that my target audience should adapt to me? Hahaha. [;)]

I do personally know men who fit these female-oriented mindsets, just as I know girls who've fit a more male-oriented one. I recall a young lady who inquired about oral sex, demanded a kiss and then sarcastically pointed out the shyness preventing her recently acquainted (~20 min) suitor to grope her. He didn't need any initiative, she did it all for him. (Yes, I do wish she had targetting me with her advances instead.) However, as a general strategy, it's abit silly to limit oneself to a particular minority.



Cherylmazana -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/11/2010 11:56:28 PM)

There is no perfect relationship, as one of the women on these forums who are in a very happy relationship and who probably looks from the outside as someone totally dependent I can say that no matter what it looks like the truth is usually something different.

All relationships take work and time, ours started with lust, which we confused with love, progressed to a shotgun wedding, went through separation, then having to see each other because of the kids followed by well a quickie won’t hurt which bought us back together again followed by hate, indifference and boredom and love then we repeated the various stages many times. At one time I would have happily danced on his grave and now I am his biggest fan. Now finally I am calm happy and more in love with him than I was when we first met and were all hormones, love and desire it’s much easier now we are both older, and have grown into ourselves.

But he didn’t start off being perfect, and somehow I doubt he will ever manage to be perfect, there are many things we do not do together because he doesn’t like them and never will, and things he wants that I will never do. We compromise, we have to, it’s the only way to make things work.

If you are persistent, you stay together long enough to get through all the shit and the problems and live through the indifference until you come back to seeing what attracted you in the first place. As long as there is no abuse from either side this is what all relationships that last go through, its normal, most simply don’t hang around long enough to get back to the love stage again because it’s very usual when bored and you feel as if you are living with a stranger to go looking for what you need elsewhere, after all talking is work, making a relationship last is work, looking for someone else is fun and exciting and after all there must be someone out there that is perfect.

Cheryl



GreedyTop -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 12:06:08 AM)

~FR~

Years ago, I accepted that I would/could be an old lady with LOTS of cats (ok, only 2 at this point).  I see no reason why that would change, in certain circumstances.

I do NOT need another person to  'complete' me.  I am a complete person on my own.  The furbabies are just non-judgemental companions.



juliaoceania -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 12:14:08 AM)

quote:

I do NOT need another person to  'complete' me.  I am a complete person on my own.


I heard this once and it stuck with me...

"Two halves only make a hole to fall into when it comes to people pairing up"



lally2 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 3:53:08 AM)

i think as we get older we get used to our own company more - if we've spent any sort of time on our own anyway.  when we realise that actually being on our own is really alot of fun and gives us alot of freedom its hard to pass that up for just anyone.  that anyone has to be someone pretty special.

ive watched a girl friend of mine make one bad choice after another because she hates being on her own.  that desparation in her is actually quite obvious and guys know that they can have her if they want her, treat her like shite and leave again.  in the end i dont believe any of those relationships actually meant or mean a great deal to her.  when they end she's more upset with being on her own than losing the guy she's just lost. 

some people are all tied up with the idea that if youre not with someone then youre somehow some sort of failure.  the poster who suggested we should just get over ourselves and tally up with some vulnerable, imperfect sort isnt allowing for the fact that we really dont need to in order to be happy.  we dont need a relationship THAT much. i wonder sometimes if some men just dont 'get' how some women prefer to be on their own rather than in a relationship that makes them dream wistfully of their earlier freedoms and personal space.

as we get older and as society stands today, with more single men and women roaming around than ever before, the choice is out there but there is a reluctance with both genders to go leaping into anything too deep and committment based.

i think ive come to terms with the fact that im likely to end up a dotty old lady on my own.  and im cool with that.  there are plenty of dotty old ladies out there on their own who were married for a lifetime and lost their husband some years back and have really struggled to survive the lonlyness.  im never lonely, ive learnt to enjoy my life without being attached at the hip to anyone else.  which in the end makes it harder i think to enter any sort of relationship.  which is why they need to be decent, trustworthy, fun, intelligent, conversational, interesting and a little dynamic.  but then id expect them to want the same from me too.




leadership527 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 9:02:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop
The furbabies are just non-judgemental companions.
You have non-judgmental CATS? Just to make sure here, we're talking Felis Catus?? The little guys with 4 feet, 2 ears, and one tail?

Man, I got ripped off. ALL the cats I've ever owned have been extremely judgmental.



Jeffff -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 9:04:24 AM)

Really, I think whatever she owns is not really a cat.

Maybe a small funny looking dog?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 9:20:31 AM)

Perhaps Greedy's cats have judged and LIKE WHAT THEY SEE, huh?? Ever think of THAT?? [;)]

I really like my life, for the most part. I do not miss the company of a male companion. I don't even have any male FRIENDS right now. (and there I use the word "friend" to mean, "person I can tell anything to and call at 2 am"). The next ten or twenty years of my life are going to be focused on caregiving. My house is not a playroom, I can't just spontaneously DO things, I don't stay out overnight.

I could never go vanilla. I have tried. Vanilla folks---the eharmony crowd---are fucking boring. It's bad enough when kinky folks are boring, but damn! [>:] Besides, I am a perv since birth. I love being a sadist! There is just no way I could turn off a giant part of my life and my worldview. THAT would be the ultimate in settling.



yellowroses -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 9:26:57 AM)

Settling for less is not a good thing for any reason IMO. We are a couple seeking a second and this is very true. When we first started O/our search it seemed we were happy with just about anybody who responded. Now we have both come to realize that we didn't settle when it came to each other so why should we in looking for a second sub to join us. We are looking for a lifetime commitment and settling in not an option.

kim



LaTigresse -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 9:32:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop
The furbabies are just non-judgemental companions.
You have non-judgmental CATS? Just to make sure here, we're talking Felis Catus?? The little guys with 4 feet, 2 ears, and one tail?

Man, I got ripped off. ALL the cats I've ever owned have been extremely judgmental.


Isn't that the truth![:D]

Hell, even my dogs are judgmental bitches.......(especially that little redhead with the huge ears...)



Lockit -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 10:38:50 AM)

I think blaming a person's single state on some failure on their part isn't reasonable. Yes there may be something going on in individual situations but to give a reason they are single and speak for them isn't really something I consider a sound basis.

Why can't a person be single and not at fault? Is there something wrong with being single? Does being single mean they really don't try to interact with others, don't dress attractively or they have some emotional problem that prevents a relationship?

Have you seen some who do have relationships?! lol

I love when a married couple will say... we have been married for forty years! We didn't give up! I have to laugh because length of a relationship doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship or one I would want! My sister has been married, god, for about thirty five years. The man told me once... I made my bed, I have to lay in it. He works, pays for all her needs and medical and leaves every single weekend to get away from her. I know many who stayed with an alcoholic or drug addict and because they did, they can say... we've been married this long... we are special. Yeah, special in a way I could never live! lol

In my situation there is a lot for someone to take on if they were with me, so there is something people could say is a problem, but I am not to blame for being ill. I was born with that. That doesn't mean I am not emotionally available, emotionally fucked up or am not trying to be all that I can be. It also doesn't mean I am weak or vulnerable and will accept less in the things I find important in a relationship. Many have thought that I would take less so they could use the good parts of me, simply because they thought my health would make me weak and vulnerable. I am also not looking behind every bush for the bad guy! lol

Because I have a health problem I don't assume that anyone else that is single is hating it and must have something wrong with them! I believe that when someone has made a choice for healthy and happy relationships and won't take less, some may have some problems, but many are very strong people who know themselves and want the most imperfect person for themselves that is a great fit for them.

Why must there always be some major problem? Are we looking for the problem in people rather than trying to see what is really there?



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 10:56:54 AM)

I'm happy with myself, and know what I like and what I don't. I see no reason to compromise or "settle". I have many friends, and have had some wonderful relationships with individuals that have lasted a long time, and some that have been just as good that have lasted a =short= time... but I've only had a -couple- of relationships that went belly-up and were a right mess when they ended... and in both cases, it was because I listened to the people who said that I should just take what I could get, and not worry about whether it was a good "fit" or not.

Nuff said.
Calla



LadyPact -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 1:31:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Why must there always be some major problem? Are we looking for the problem in people rather than trying to see what is really there?


Nobody said always.  Sometimes, yes, I do think there are folks who are single that it does have something to do with them.  I don't think it's a very significant section, but it does count for something.

I'd be willing to bet that anybody reading this thread could pass this quick challenge.  Can you think of five forum posters who are single that it would shock the shit out of you if they found someone that wanted to be in a dynamic or a relationship with them?  I'll go even further than that.  I'll bet that from that list of five, you know exactly what it is about them that makes you think they are bad relationship material. 

Overwhelmingly, over course, is the opposite.  You see intelligent folks with a great personality and a good sense of humor, who have these fantastic character traits, and you wonder why they are still single.  Shoot!  If I were a male Dominant on this site, it would take Me less than sixty seconds to rattle off at least ten female subs that I would absolutely pursue.  Same thing goes with other orientations.  If I was single and submissive, I know exactly who I'd be after.  Those are the folks that obviously aren't willing to settle.  At least that's what I see in them.

Still, it wouldn't be everybody.  There are some people I would avoid like the plague.  Pretty much for the same reason that I do now.  I'm not interested in being involved with folks who have a piss poor negative attitude, no sense of humor, complete lack of common sense, and just plain aren't appealing to Me in any way.  There are a lot of things that can make a person unattractive to others and some people have the whole boat load.  Those tend to be the folks who are hoping other people will settle.



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