RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (Full Version)

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sexyred1 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 1:40:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

In my opinion there's another side of this that hasn't been addressed and it has nothing to do with settling but the things an individual does or refuses to do that compromises their ability to find a companion. I can only speak from the female perspective, but I've noticed some interesting things in my travels and during the moments I spend people watching and reading forums like these.

I encounter women everyday wearing a scowl, poorly coiffed, or oblivious to any of the things men find pleasing and vehemently opposed to employing them. They complain about the lack and have never considered if they're part of the problem. The expectation that he will see them as they do or adopt a female oriented mindset towards dating baffles me. It's my belief that many women could alter their situations if they did a little introspection and desisted in trying to turn men into quasi women while denouncing their femininity in the process.

I don't believe it's really an issue of standards but oftentimes a projection that sends a message to the other person that their presence is unwelcome and should it be entertained it will be according to a laundry list of things that rarely exhibit the uniqueness that manliness brings to the equation but is truthfully akin to a girlfriend in male clothing. While I'm not suggesting that there aren't problems on both sides, I cannot dismiss the fact that for many their singleness is a condition of their own making and not always one they did with that intended outcome.

~porcelaine



Interesting point of view. On the other side of the coin, I and other women I know who are single, are always highly feminine, perfectly groomed, dressed great, happy to be hanging with our friends, going about our business, engaging in activities that we love, flirting when we want to and living life as it should be lived.

And what we, and I hear alot is that we are high maintenance, we "look" expensive, we are intimidating or any combination thereof.

So what does that tell you? For every woman who runs around with bad hair, ill tempered and unkempt who is single, there are just as many fabulous, positive, smart, sexy women running around currently single.

I think there is really nothing to blame other than luck, opportunity, and not being proactive.

Finally, as it has been frequently mentioned throughout this thread, settling indicates something negative while being true to your preferences is positive. I for one, agree with others who say being alone is vastly preferable to being with someone who does not enhance your life.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 1:46:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

In my opinion there's another side of this that hasn't been addressed and it has nothing to do with settling but the things an individual does or refuses to do that compromises their ability to find a companion. I can only speak from the female perspective, but I've noticed some interesting things in my travels and during the moments I spend people watching and reading forums like these.

I encounter women everyday wearing a scowl, poorly coiffed, or oblivious to any of the things men find pleasing and vehemently opposed to employing them. They complain about the lack and have never considered if they're part of the problem. The expectation that he will see them as they do or adopt a female oriented mindset towards dating baffles me. It's my belief that many women could alter their situations if they did a little introspection and desisted in trying to turn men into quasi women while denouncing their femininity in the process.

I don't believe it's really an issue of standards but oftentimes a projection that sends a message to the other person that their presence is unwelcome and should it be entertained it will be according to a laundry list of things that rarely exhibit the uniqueness that manliness brings to the equation but is truthfully akin to a girlfriend in male clothing. While I'm not suggesting that there aren't problems on both sides, I cannot dismiss the fact that for many their singleness is a condition of their own making and not always one they did with that intended outcome.

~porcelaine



Interesting point of view. On the other side of the coin, I and other women I know who are single, are always highly feminine, perfectly groomed, dressed great, happy to be hanging with our friends, going about our business, engaging in activities that we love, flirting when we want to and living life as it should be lived.

And what we, and I hear alot is that we are high maintenance, we "look" expensive, we are intimidating or any combination thereof.

So what does that tell you? For every woman who runs around with bad hair, ill tempered and unkempt who is single, there are just as many fabulous, positive, smart, sexy women running around currently single.

I think there is really nothing to blame other than luck, opportunity, and not being proactive.



I am agreeing with both of you!

Been to the mall, lately? Or an airport? Look around, and see who is matched up. I am here TELLING you that the skanks in ill fitting sweatpants are just as likely to be paired as those slender things with the LV bags and matching shoes.

I've been single pretty much my ENTIRE LIFE. Yes, some of that time I was aggressively NOT interested. But other times I was not. Those of you that know me in real time know that I clean up okay. I don't spit on the sidewalk. I get a lot of compliments. What I don't get is a lot of INTEREST.

Just wondering here... those guys that tell me I am INTIMIDATING... *shouldn't* they be intimidated? I'm a DOMINANT! Sheesh.

Off to a... date? Dinner meet? Something. I will put on mascara. I bathed today. I will try not to scratch myself in an unseemly manner. [;)]



lally2 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 1:51:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

.
Have you seen some who do have relationships?! lol

.


yup! [&:] - was people watching the other day waiting for my mum to finish her weekly shop and oh boy!  men being dragged around the supermarket looking bored and detached.  women trying to decide on the roast for sunday and he's no help at all, gazing at some young girl in a short skirt and getting the evil eye from the wife . no ones happy - everyones fed up.  they slump along in some time honoured tradition.  i mean, why make youre man go shopping if he hates it that much (or is that the sub in me - seems crazy to me!)

this morning, i had to laugh.  i have a slow puncture and no spare, its a smart car (dont get one!), so i went to the garage to pump the tyre up.  theres this guy with some sort of a guage to check tyre pressures (the tyre pump does that for you).  each tyre was meticulously checked by this man and his guage, a tiny little spurt of air pumped into each tyre, the guage used again to check, too much and he let a squeak out, too little and squeezed a little more in.  woman in car sitting there, glazed - no other word for it.  elderly couple, years of this id imagine.  id have killed him by now and willingly suffered the consequences.




yellowroses -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 1:57:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster



How sad and pathetic that you cannot lower your defenses enough to connect with another person.
And that goes for the majority of you all who claim you aren't willing to "settle". It's not other people, it's you. You have problems and issues that you haven't dealt with, and possibly cannot deal with, so you pretend it's everyone else who cannot meet your standards.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that you voluntarily take yourselves out of circulation. Those of us who are looking to connect with another imperfect, vulnerable soul can avoid wasting time with you all.






WOW that was kind of a leap. Connecting with another person is a far different from choosing someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will not settle when it comes to who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Heck, I connect with the mailman but I am not going to marry him. Doesn't mean I don't talk to him just about everyday though.



sexyred1 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 2:50:15 PM)

LOL, that is funny LadyHib. I do agree with you about the malls...and Vegas. [;)]

I always wonder what the hell is going on when I see disgusting women with men on a Saturday night at the mall when I am wandering around alone, totally dolled up.

But then I remember, that I have NOT been single for very much of my life. In fact, I have only really been single recently, but I think because my last relationship was so long and insane, and I dated a lot through it, made me FEEL I was single the entire time.

I used to think meeting men was all about looks. Now I don't. In fact, the better looking you are, the smarter you are, the more likely you are to be single. I know a TON of gorgeous, bright women who are single and a ton of plain janes or unattractive who are partnered.

So who knows what the answer is?? It is a crapshoot all around. [:D]



LaTigresse -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 3:17:34 PM)

I agree, I think it is a total crap shoot.

And though, as LadyPact has said, there may be plenty of perfect matches at first glance........there are the little things that have nothing to do with gender, orientation, physical appearance, etc etc etc...

Example: forget the fact that I am poly so they have to accept that, forget the fact that I am not likely to share so they will have to be monogamous to me, forget the fact that they have to be female, forget the fact that their focus has to be service before kink.

Maybe they cannot imagine living in the country, far from any nightlife orrrrrrrr, the type of work they do they cannot find near here, orrrrrrr, they are allergic to furry babies, orrrrrrrrrr......they decided to go back to college, orrrrrrrrr, any number of things that all beginning/potential relationships end up dealing with.

It just is what it is.

The odds of my having the relationship I had that brought me here were not the odds you would want at a crap table. But it happened and wow.....look at me now.

Another large part of it, at least for me, is time and 'give a damn'. I don't have the burning desire, the give a damn, to devote the time to finding someone. I don't want to get involved in a local group. I don't answer all my emails quickly. I don't even try to do online relationshipy domination stuff. I realize that pretty much stuffs it for me right there. I accept the responsibility for my actions, or lack of. I am okay with it. I really would rather read than chat online. I would rather spend a weekend day/evening at a motocross event than a BDSM gathering. I would rather ride my horse than chat on the phone.

If someone is interested in belonging to me, they are going to have to overcome those hurdles. They are going to have to interest me enough to make time for them.





lally2 -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 3:29:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
.Been to the mall, lately? Or an airport? Look around, and see who is matched up. I am here TELLING you that the skanks in ill fitting sweatpants are just as likely to be paired as those slender things with the LV bags and matching shoes.
.


theyre here in the UK too - the supermarket was full of them - it was horrible. [&:]

im of the opinion that people just stop making an effort after a while.  wearing hideous clothes, hideous hair does, no make up with a face like a spanked mackeral.  i swear - it makes no sense to me at all.  they must really be miserable!

what is it that makes people stop making the effort to look nice.

i was doing this womans feet the other day.  cracked, broken skin - a real mess.  i asked her why she'd left it so long to get some help and she said 'well my husband doesnt notice - he didnt even notice when i bought lingerie for our honeymoon' - i mean thats kinda sad, but then, like i said to her, making an effort for herself is just as important too.  but people seem to stop making an effort and maybe its because theyre partners have stopped caring so they stop caring - further proof therefore that relationships arent all moonlit strolls and picnics on the beach.

something i read once made me smile ' the happiest people are married men and single women'  not sure how that works out really, but its a cliche so there must be some truth in it somewhere.



pogo4pres -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 3:36:02 PM)

Well I've not read all the responses to this thread so far, but I have to chime in.  I settled the first time and while still together, it seems pretty clear to both of us this will come to an end some time in the next five or so years. So while I hate the thought of settling a second time, I hate worse the thought of never trying to achieve the Fem-Domme' relationship I desire.   I am at a cross roads, and I am just standing around staring, trying to figure out which direction in which to head.


Uncompromisingly,
Some Knucklehead in NJ



Twoshoes -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 3:55:42 PM)

quote:

but people seem to stop making an effort and maybe its because theyre partners have stopped caring so they stop caring - further proof therefore that relationships arent all moonlit strolls and picnics on the beach.


I know a marriage counselor who promotes the idea that the reason so many marriages fail in North America, is because people live together in bliss first and then get married and assume that's a cue to stop trying. He argues that people who get married before they live together or have arranged marriages don't run into this issue as often.



mstrjx -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 4:59:14 PM)

I'm probably certain to have told this story a few years ago, but it's relevant. I call it 'This here's a story about a Dom named Jeff'.

Way back in 1991 is when I decided to pursue the lifestyle full time. I was recently divorced, it was April. My first outing was what would now be called an 'event', although this was smaller scale. Held at a hotel, discussion groups in the afternoon (several going on at once) and a party at night.

In one or more of the sessions I sat in on, I was people-watching and I saw who, to me, was one of the FAR better looking women there (other than the femme lesbians, if memory serves). She was part of a couple with a rather imposing looking Dom (aren't we all?). Off limits, but definitely worth looking at while listening. Part Native American, long dark hair, sexy. We'll call her 'D'.

That night I met a woman who was one of the organizers of the event, we hit it off and became infrequent play partners. This woman eventually introduced me to my first D/s relationship partner. We were together for 5 years. I was never really attracted to her, and I always knew it was not a forever thing. She was wonderful as a first partner, and loved me dearly.

It also turned out that she knew 'the couple'. And in talking with them, she got us into a couples group that they were a part of. I was able to be near 'D' once a month and was never disappointed. Her Master and I became good friends. We had the same taste in music, we had similar play styles, we got along. He knew I was newer to the lifestyle but respected me a lot for how I treated my partner, how I played, etc. We ended up getting together periodically, just the four of us at one or the other's homes and we would play. I respected him to play well with my partner, and he had no problem with my handling of D.

A few years later, rather unexpectedly, D and her Master broke up. Her Master disappeared, but D and my partner and I would get together from time to time. No play.

One Saturday morning the three of us were supposed to have breakfast and I was going to give D a piece of art (I'm a collector of erotic art) that I didn't want any longer. My partner begged off, wanting more sleep. It was the very first time EVER D and I were alone. Now, being the monogamous guy I am, I never thought twice about being polite and friendly and not in the least bit flirty. I remember DISTINCTLY that I was saying something trivial at breakfast when D interrupted me by saying 'You know if you weren't with your partner, you and I could be a couple'.

Come again?

So, being the sport that I am, I found it within myself to stop settling and let my partner know that we weren't going to be seeing each other much longer. But since she had a hard time finding or keeping a job and didn't have the money to go, she could hang for another 6 months. If I remember right, she was able to get it together in 5 and moved out of state.

By that time, D had also met someone else (who was absolutely NOTHING like me) and eventually moved out of state as well. I never saw her again. And for the record, my partner never knew about D's part in this and D and I never got together. No play, no sex, no nothing. I'm a saint, or at least monogamous.

I'll let you draw your own conclusions. That's my settling story. Thanks for reading.

Jeff



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 5:18:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
snip

I used to think meeting men was all about looks. Now I don't. In fact, the better looking you are, the smarter you are, the more likely you are to be single. I know a TON of gorgeous, bright women who are single and a ton of plain janes or unattractive who are partnered.

So who knows what the answer is?? It is a crapshoot all around. [:D]
It is a crap shoot.  I just want to add that I know some plain janes and unattractive women that are smart, bright and all that jazz.  And many are single.  I also know some drop dead gorgeous women who aint so bright and they are single.  And plain janes that are dumb as a rock and they are single.  And built like a brick shithouse and smart as hell, and guess what!?  Some of them are single too!

I also know all of the above that are in wonderful relationships. 

I really think that finding someone you mesh with is a rarity, no matter your looks, smarts, bank account or astrological sign.




WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 5:19:22 PM)

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jeff
A poor domli man, barely kept his fetish fed,
Then one day he was hanging at the club,
And up through the crowd came a bubbly sub.

Owned that is, M/s gold, collared she.

Well the first thing you know ol Jeff's a smitten dom,
Kinkfolk said "Jeff stay away from "D"
Said another is who you ought to meet
So he loaded up his flogger and beat another she.

sub, that is. fetish slut, porn star.


Well now its time to say good by to Jeff and all his kink.
And he would like to thank you folks fer clicking on this link.
You're all invited back a gain to this locality
To have a heapin helpin of his hospitality

Fetish Kink that is. Set a spell, Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?.



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 5:23:38 PM)

[image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/applause.gif[/image]



mstrjx -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 6:02:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Come and listen to a story about a man named Jeff
A poor domli man, barely kept his fetish fed,
Then one day he was hanging at the club,
And up through the crowd came a bubbly sub.

Owned that is, M/s gold, collared she.

Well the first thing you know ol Jeff's a smitten dom,
Kinkfolk said "Jeff stay away from "D"
Said another is who you ought to meet
So he loaded up his flogger and beat another she.

sub, that is. fetish slut, porn star.


Well now its time to say good by to Jeff and all his kink.
And he would like to thank you folks fer clicking on this link.
You're all invited back a gain to this locality
To have a heapin helpin of his hospitality

Fetish Kink that is. Set a spell, Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?.



Right, then.  You can move in now.

Bed's made waiting for you.

Jeff



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 6:58:49 PM)

I heart WinD!!



Hippiekinkster -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/12/2010 11:32:11 PM)

Yeah, what Winsome said rubbed me the wrong way, and I went off the deep end. I just retrieved my dog's ashes from the Vet, and though I loved him very much, there's no comparison. And I have to go in and get some bone removed from my heel, as the radiogram revealed infiltration into the bone by some nasty bug, and then get a shunt and do IV antibiotics at home, and all kinds of other shit, to try and keep my foot. Her complaint about not being able to get out of bed some days struck me as self-indulgent self-pity. Most every day is like that for me. Some people can't function without that first cup of coffee (BTW, strictly speaking, coffee is not a stimulant, and the not being able to function is actually withdrawal); I can't get moving and do what I need to do without the oxycodone knocking back the pain.

I was too harsh in my response, and I apologize.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/13/2010 5:55:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

Yeah, what Winsome said rubbed me the wrong way, and I went off the deep end. ...I was too harsh in my response, and I apologize.


Sorry to hear things are so rough for you. Hope they get better.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/13/2010 6:28:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

Right, then.  You can move in now.

Bed's made waiting for you.

Jeff


If I knew it would only take a bastardized song to woo you, I'd have been serenading you long ago!



Jeffff -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/13/2010 8:37:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I agree, I think it is a total crap shoot.

And though, as LadyPact has said, there may be plenty of perfect matches at first glance........there are the little things that have nothing to do with gender, orientation, physical appearance, etc etc etc...

Example: forget the fact that I am poly so they have to accept that, what about the thing I have for Jeffff?





There......... all better



GreedyTop -> RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? (8/13/2010 8:46:44 AM)

~FR~

I have settled, and it left me nothing but sad. I'd rather be alone.



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