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Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 6:43:40 AM

atractivenuisane

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/13/2010
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At a play party a few weeks ago; my dom, a friend, and I were involved in a scene...when the friend's overly-possessive play partner comes over, plops down beside us on the couch, and she starts sucking him off.

My dom and I were just...boggled. He had absolutely not been invited to join, and in fact, we'd been turning down his advances all night (and before). It utterly ruined the night for us, and it makes me really anxious about going back to that play space...or any play parties he's going to be a part of. I spoke to him about it, I spoke to my friend about it, and it was made 100% clear that he was WAY out of line and that shit was not alright.

However, I'm undoubtedly going to run into him in the future. I am uncomfortable playing when he's going to be at the club, and I'm not really sure how to counter that. I could report him to the DM in an effort to get him banned, but I feel like that's a bit heavy-handed, and since he's more involved in the social scene than I am, I'm not sure it'd be effective. So what's Collarme's advice of getting over such an intrusion, other than letting this one jackass keep me from playing in public ever again?

Post #: 1

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 6:59:31 AM

AquaticSub

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Status: offline

I'm a bit confused. Was the friend who was in the scene the giver or the receiver?

If your friend was the one doing the sucking, I'd be annoyed with her. You'd been turning him down all night and she was the one who allowed someone else into the scene.

However, one could say that since she was in the scene too (unless you all agreed it would be just the three of you) that she could bring in her own play partner as well. Either way, in that case, I'd be less concerned about him than I would playing with her since she is obviously ok with that sort of thing.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 2

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:03:22 AM

atractivenuisane

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Joined: 3/13/2010
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She was playing with us, but then he came and sat down practically on our laps and she went over to him. So admittedly, she wasn't in the right either, but I mainly blame him for the intrusion. If he had wanted to interrupt our scene to play with her, he could have beckoned her over instead of interrupting us.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:07:52 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

She was playing with us, but then he came and sat down practically on our laps and she went over to him. So admittedly, she wasn't in the right either, but I mainly blame him for the intrusion. If he had wanted to interrupt our scene to play with her, he could have beckoned her over instead of interrupting us.

Why blame him? Was he in the pre-scene talks, did he know the set up of what was going on? She was the one in the scene, she knew what was going on and she made the choice to blow him and interupt the scene with you two, probably knowing that you guys had been turning him down all night.

I have a feeling that you want to put the blame on him because you like her and don't like him.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 4

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:09:28 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I think you shouldn't play with either of them again.

Can I ask, what was your dominant doing while this was going on? What was his reaction to this?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 5

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:16:32 AM

Carouselambra

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Joined: 9/9/2010
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I was getting fucked by my ex boyfriend in my buddies house one night and my buddy runs into the room and screams "LET'S GO FAMILY STYLE BABY?"

Might have been the greatest moment in a sexual experience I have ever had.

_____________________________

If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -Thomas Szasz

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 6

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:32:01 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

At a play party a few weeks ago; my dom, a friend, and I were involved in a scene...when the friend's overly-possessive play partner comes over, plops down beside us on the couch, and she starts sucking him off.

My dom and I were just...boggled. He had absolutely not been invited to join, and in fact, we'd been turning down his advances all night (and before). It utterly ruined the night for us, and it makes me really anxious about going back to that play space...or any play parties he's going to be a part of. I spoke to him about it, I spoke to my friend about it, and it was made 100% clear that he was WAY out of line and that shit was not alright.

However, I'm undoubtedly going to run into him in the future. I am uncomfortable playing when he's going to be at the club, and I'm not really sure how to counter that. I could report him to the DM in an effort to get him banned, but I feel like that's a bit heavy-handed, and since he's more involved in the social scene than I am, I'm not sure it'd be effective. So what's Collarme's advice of getting over such an intrusion, other than letting this one jackass keep me from playing in public ever again?

I'm with Aquatic Sub on this. It sounds to me like you prefer to blame him over her since she was the one who'd joined you in playing.

I don't know what kind of set-up the scene was, whether or not her play-partner was involved in the negotiations or what level of involvement the two of them are at. I find it interesting that you do not mention any of this as it seems to me that inclusion of this type of material might enable us to hav e a better understanding of what was going on. Some other information that might be helpful: did the scene involve sexual play as well as BDSM/D-s play? Was she brought close to orgasm through BDSM play alone? Is it possible that, if she was brought to sexual arousal, you and your partner wanted her sexual response to be towards you two and the interruption of HER play partner stopped that?

I also find myself curious as to why the invitation was extended only to her. If the purpose was to create a scenario such as I described above and HER play partner was not let in on that agenda during discussion of the scene, then you two are at least guilty of withholding part of your agenda from him.

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 7

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:36:14 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

I also find myself curious as to why the invitation was extended only to her.

Honestly I'm kinda wondering about this myself. If I'd been turning someone down repeatedly all night, I don't think I'd be particularly anxious to scene with their partner - even if she was my friend.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 8

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:41:36 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I am wondering what her dominant said and did about all of this..

She keeps saying that she feels insecure, etc, to engage in the community because of this individual and his presence. Isn't it the job of her dominant to fix this shit? In my relationships my dominant was responsible for the scene. If something happened it was his job to make it right. My job was to provide him with information and to obey.

Why didn't her dominant address this at the time?

Why doesn't he find a solution?

Why is she coming here for a solution?

I know every relationship is different, maybe it isn't the job of her dominant to keep her safe emotionally and physically, maybe I am projecting my experience on to her. If this happened in a scene I had been involved in my past relationships, I wouldn't be the one coming on to a forum asking for advice. I would be talking to my dom about it. He would find the solution. I would abide by it.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/13/2010 7:42:15 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 9

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 7:43:48 AM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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To be fair, she doesn't say that she hasn't spoken with her dominant. Either he, or them together, may be interested in getting other points of view before a decision is made since it does involve a friend. The decision could have long-term effects on the friendship.

Edited to add: I want to know why this one thing would keep the OP from playing in public "ever again". And if she/the dominant specifically told the friend "we don't want your partner in the scene". I'd also like to know where in the scene this happened. I scene with others and, when it's wound down and the after care is starting, I usually prefer to fall into Valyraen's arms rather than the person I scened with. I could easily see both him and thinking it's over and it's time to enjoy each other. I also know of more than one person who likes to give blowjobs while in their "space".

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/13/2010 7:47:18 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:05:55 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Edited to add: I want to know why this one thing would keep the OP from playing in public "ever again".

It is this sentiment that spawned my response. If she had such a detrimental reaction to this, where is her dominant in the discussion? She has not really made any sort of comment on what his role in all of this is, or his opinion. If I had such a strong reaction to someone doing something, I would be talking about it with my dominant, not a bunch of strangers who were not there and who are not qualified to give a well informed opinion.

I mostly asked questions, which I think are the cornerstone of any sort of response that I may give, what did her dominant do already, what is his opinion about this? Did he send her here to find a solution?

Here is quoted from her OP as to the future, which is all "I" statements, not "we" statements....

quote:

However, I'm undoubtedly going to run into him in the future. I am uncomfortable playing when he's going to be at the club, and I'm not really sure how to counter that. I could report him to the DM in an effort to get him banned, but I feel like that's a bit heavy-handed, and since he's more involved in the social scene than I am, I'm not sure it'd be effective. So what's Collarme's advice of getting over such an intrusion, other than letting this one jackass keep me from playing in public ever again?

I find it very odd. When I was seriously involved with my dom, and I talked about play or going places... it was "we", not "I"....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 11

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:13:39 AM

AquaticSub

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*shrugs* Just trying to be fair to her and point out that she may have.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 12

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:19:33 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I have no judgment on the situation, I wasn't there. I was wanting to know what her dominant thought, because it would direct my response on how she could navigate future play to know this information.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:23:59 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Agreed. It would be useful to know how he responded. Just saying that we don't know that he hasn't been spoken to.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 14

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:27:44 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Wish I had a nickle for every time I had a scene interrupted.. play publically and it happens... one does hope, however, that it isn't people we actually know who do it...

your blame, mistrust etc is misplaced... the guy sat down... the problem is the reaction your friend had. Frankly I wouldn't play with anyone again who'd negotiated to play with me, was in the middle of it and decided to wander off and suck some dick... no matter who's dick it was... you negotiate a scene.. you kinda agree to finish it, with some nod to unforseen circumstances...

as to what you're feeling... like others, I'd love to know what your Dominant is thinking.. and why S/he hasn't done something/said something etc... where is he in all this?

No one should interrupt scenes in public space, its kind of the number one rule in public space -- I'd say something to a DM -- tricky part is hind sight is 20/20

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 15

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 8:38:15 AM

allthatjaz

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There is very little detail in the ops thread that makes her question answerable.

atractivenuisane, you say you were with your Dom and a friend and this friend had a play partner that approached her during this scene. Had any of you at any time approached this guy about doing a scene with his play partner? If not, why not? you say that this guy is overly possessive. Surely not talking to him first is asking for trouble.
If you did speak to him prior to the scene and he agreed to it but intervened anyway, you need to put that down as a bad experience. He didn't approach you, he approached his play partner and his play partner was willing. No DM in there right mind is going to get involved in something so petty.
Was she deliberately playing him up? were you all deliberately playing him up?

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 16

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 9:43:14 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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OK, I read this and My reaction was basically, WTF? I'm curious to know where it was that you were playing and who you were playing with that this was acceptable at all? As a Dominant, I'll be damned if anybody not of My choosing is going to invite themselves into My scene. I wouldn't give a shit if it was the event organizer themselves. Why didn't the Dominant who was the top in the scene put an end to this immediately?

If the Dominant who was playing couldn't lean over and ask the person who plopped himself down to please leave the immediate play space that was being used, why not the two of you cut her out of the scene and cross the room so your part of the scene wasn't interrupted? Sure, it would probably take a bit to get back to the head space that you were in, but at least the scene would have been salvaged for the two of you.

Oh, and you're damn right that I would have been speaking to the DMs about what had happened prior to Me leaving before the end of the evening. I also wouldn't be playing with either of them again in the future.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 17

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 9:52:44 AM

HELPsupport

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It does seem a little odd to me, the whole situation, and I would say everyone - all four of you - were at fault. Him for continually making advances, after he was turned down, and interrupting. Her for allowing him to interrupt and for playing with two people that were continually rejecting her partner, who so obviously wanted to play (she should have found a couple to join who liked him). You two for excluding him and yet choosing to use his partner, when anyone could see that a man who does not take no for an answer is going to continue trying for yes. I think the solution is to avoid playing with her, and find someone new to play with, who respects the scenes and who either has no partner or whose partner is someone you might wish to play with.

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 18

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 11:41:05 AM

atractivenuisane

Posts: 30
Joined: 3/13/2010
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We were playing at a local dungeon, where sex is allowed as well as kink.

As to her and her 'partner', he isn't her dom or boyfriend or anything much to her other than someone who occasionally plays with her. She'd made it very clear that he does not control whom she plays with or doesn't, and, in fact, she'd played with several other people that evening with no worries. I call him possessive because he spent most of the evening following her around the party, pulling her out of other conversations, etc. She knew I had no interest in playing with him (as did he). It's true that I dislike him more than I do her, and so it's possible she's at fault as well, but as she was very much in sub space and distracted and he had a clear head and knew he wasn't invited to play with my partner and I, I felt that he, more than she, breached the trust of the play space.

Additionally, her and I have an existing play relationship that extends far beyond the interrupter. I wasn't aware it was proper scene etiquette to invite all current play partners, no matter how occasional, into every scene. He wasn't included into negotiations because he doesn't own her or speak for her, he wasn't invited because we only wanted to play with her.

My dominant was in a state of shock when we were interrupted. Not only had he just played with two women for the first time (not the best thing for a man's mental functioning), he and I are both fairly new to the public scene and were pretty boggled at what had happened. Being the excited newbies we are, we'd both read dozens of play party rules list, and assumed that interrupting someone else's scene was so anathema it was never done. So, he didn't tell the guy off right away, but he spoke to him in the future and was absolutely clear on just how out-of-line that interruption was. As to referring only to myself in the OP, I do that because my dom is comfortable with public scening. He considers the matter dealt with. He'd be thrilled to play at the next party, which is part of why I'm posting here, since he doesn't want to do anything until I'm comfortable. He and I had different reactions to the same situation.

(in reply to HELPsupport)

Post #: 19

RE: Scene interruption: what now? - 9/13/2010 11:52:01 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

If you're still having trouble, then regardless of what he considers dealt with ... it isn't clearly... and frankly, in some cases, I would suggest he should be protecting you, so go to him with all this.. and have him make it ok...

by the way, if you have the slightest problem with this guy, quietly go to a DM and mention that -- if he acts that way, chances are, he does it a lot and his behavior is not unusual and is known

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to atractivenuisane)

Post #: 20

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