RiotGirl
Posts: 3149
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quote:
RiotGirl, however, bonds in another way to her master, she is part of him and the bond is strengthening more and more, until she ultimately will become him. He does not need to force her to do anything, she simply obeys him like any other part of his body is subject to his will. She is a natural slave, a true slave, instead of someone who is forced to perform some labour. She is the real thing. He's tortured me in the past = ) i can think of a few nights, where all it was was pain, then sleep, then more pain. i can think of alot of pain, past what i thought i could tolerate. Usually it was for disobediance, as i rebeled against him continueously. LOL he joked with some one in the begining that i only obeyed him 25% of the time. And it wasnt that i wanted to disobey. i just did. If i could get away with it, i did. Yet even though when i did obey, i was much happier. Could never figure it out.. He doesnt implement such pain anymore, randomly like maybe every blue moon. Sort of miss it, though even in an odd way i hated it. hate pain! Yet i love it! So confusing.. Love the attention, the bonding.. yet hate the struggle of accepting it. i do agree, he doesnt force me to do anything. He allows me to do it or not. i must admit, i do opt out of doing things, randomly. He allows it. Like when i'm cranky with him for some odd reason, i retaliate in an odd way of not asking permission for certian things. i disobey basically. Direct commands - those i can not disobey. Serious direct commands that i know he wants. There are tons of other things to obey and do, that eh, seem to be really unimportant to him. Which of course could be me reading things wrong! LOL i dont obey constantly and continueously. Today i swore and i get cranky and stressed and i get mad at him. Generally its on the mood. (which i'm doing better controlling) if i'm pissed off and cranky - i'm like screw you. If i feel connected and things are going well, i obey. <sigh> i can think of TONS of rules i break. Broke one yesterday and spoke to some one i wasnt supposed to and i didnt even tell on myself. Told on myself the last time i spoke to this person though. I speed, which is disobeying. Sometimes i doubt him, which is disobeying. Last night i was upset and he asked what was bothering me and since i didnt want to tell him, i side stepped the question a few times. Thats disobeying. Eventually i managed to phrase it in a way that wouldnt upset him. Generally, at times, i will disboey if i think it'll "go over" Other times i wont. Sometimes i'll even side step obeying. He lets me. i've still yet to figure out how to not move an inch when he's caning, or whatever me. Nor can i manage to stay still when he goes to bite something else, generally trying to convince him..... nooooooooo he doesnt want to do that. Sometimes i disobey and dont eat. Granted the bad behavior gets better over time. Sometimes i forget to put the seat back when i get out the car. That really makes him cranky! Sometimes, i seperate myself from him. i've got to work long and hard to do that and of course it makes me miserable. But i do it. Ya know thinking about it, i do alot of things that make me miserable. LMAO <chuckles> you know i think i've a self destructive personalitty. Thats so odd - never looked at it that way, i just tend to go around justifying my behavior. You know, i'd prolly be alot happier if i stopped fighting him.. now thats something to contemplate! Oh an the whole point of writing all this out is. i just cant see my way clear to say "yes i'm a slave" or even "its natural for me to be a slave" Maybe one day.. Nor cani see my way clear to saying "i'm the real thing" Cos i know TONS of ppl who are so much better at all this stuff. At times i just generally suck. i'm terrible. Didnt you see my post where when he told me to kiss it, i reach out and smacked it instead? (goooooood lord that was funny) i know he thought it was funny, but he had to quell his humour and get after me so i dont go thinking the lines been moved. See i am terrible. i've NEVER heard of a slave reaching out to smack their Master's penis, even if it is only playful. So while "No, i cant disobey direct commands" (it gives me butterflies) and he also knows (as he's told me) i'd never deny him anything, nor have i ever told him no. Well okay, i've done so playfully.. but that was only in the past 3 months. Yes, i've tried making a stand with him, yes i've tried holding myself back, and yes i'm good at knowing when its okay to break the rules when its not. Yes, i get away with anything i can get away with. See i'm terrible. No offense, and no disrespect intended, but i think yer wrong.
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