darq
Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
Now granted i logically do not believe in internal slavery, i've always been absolutetly curious about it. Does it really exsist? How does it exsist, why does it exsist? Logically its virutally impossible.
a sub/slave can leave when ever they want - all they need to do is walk out the door.
Very very true. Yet no matter, they dont. Unless of course, i suppose, there is something they feel is wrong and its not "right" to stay. i suppose. i'm also told (by Himself) that its also not being able to even contemplate disobeying. Granted i've only been there once and for a short period of time. (as a mental state) Yet i always wonder, how much apart of my life is that. i've read a fair amount on it, but i always still wonder. Why? How? (okay so i sorta understand the how) It comes from being solely dependent. i even read about how to do it. Yet, its logically impossible or so i feel. i've of course spoken about it with Himself and how its impossible and other then him disagreeing with me thats about what i get.
This is prolly tmi - but i have yet to figure it out. No matter how it goes, or how unhappy i am for the time, or whatever - to contemplate being with out him, is too much to bear. Yet i've tried contemplating it. Yes i can see steps of another life with him not there - but future wise.. no thanks. Why (with out logic) does the fact of not being with him, leave me feeling like the world is being ripped into two? Oh and i've tried. Usually with the thoughts "this isnt right i shouldnt stand for it" i swear if i could get other ppl, and societal's upbringing out my head i would generally be very content. Even if he ignored me non stop and fullfilled non of my needs. This i know as i was in a similiar relationship (unrelated to BDSM) where i was content just to be. So it has come up of Master and i seperating. Why does it leave me in a state of panic? Unable to breathe? Literally, with utter chaos reining inside of me? Why, once when i managed to walk out while he was sleeping, was i at a gas station huddled into a ball unable to stand? Miserable? Why are all moods, thoughts centered around him.
Why is he the center of my life? Even when i dont want him to be? Why is he able to arouse me, no matter how unsexy, or pissed off, or if i dont want to be? Why, god forbid do i always obey? In 18 months, no matter how "strong" i swear i'll be, or how much i swear i'm going to stand my ground - do i always obey. This he knows. It seems, that no matterwhat it is that he would like, or want me to do - i always obey. Granted i could think of quite a few terrible things he could tell me to do. Yet i know that my mental state is very important to him. To ask me to, say steal, would leave me feeling terrible about myself if i did so. It would hurt me in an odd way, as i tend to be judgemental about myself. So theres never a worry about things of the nature like that. Basically, if i dont want to do something, say shoot myself in the foot, i can actually see myself doing it, purely on the fact that if he wanted it, i'd be just happy do to so. Okay mostly.
Yes, i have tested this all out. As i always test and try to figure out what confuses me. i hate being confused. i have pushed and pulled here and there, thinking all the while - logically i can do this.
Even my own frickin will, which i have always been proud of has turned against me. Its his. (scratches head) How is that POSSIBLE??? Its like everything about me, is his. Though i fight it, i fight it quite heartedly (as i'm sure you've seen) and he lets me fight it, until of course he's done with me fighting it and comes around and shows me me what just seems impossible.
the only thing "close" that i can come to a reasonable explanation is internal enslavement. Yet, that doesnt even really fit the bill.
i fight it, often, as i think the underlying cause is - its impossible. Yet no matter what i do, it comes back to it. Its impossible to really literally Own Some one. Yet time and time again, he shows this to me. Waiting for me to grasp the concept i suppose. Which i can not, as its impossible. Logically, sanely impossible. It goes against what i know, and what i've heard. How is it possible to even own them past their consent. (other then of course the consent given in the begining and its the last consent needed)
i'd like to clear this up for myself. As i think, it would please him greatly if i could finally grasp it. It'd probably save alot of frustrations, alot of "fighting it" on my part which generally creates unpleasentness. Which of course he doesnt enjoy, even though he usually ignores it. i just know what he wants and he doesnt want me fighting something he already knows. He prolly doesnt understand why i fight it, i should just accept, but i'm a thinking person and i can not accept something logically impossible.
AND - for all those that say "a sub/slave can walk out when ever they choose, its as easy as putting one foot infront of the other" i disagree and i've even proven it with myself. i'd get as far as the drive way and thats about what my legs would carry me too. Its like a CULT! i'd have to be deprogrammed from the cult.
So ah.. anyone explain? Can anyone explain internal enslavement in detail so i can have a better understanding of it?
I've read this post over and over ...
Riot, I'm scared *for* you. You feel that your relationship with him is like a cult ... You'd have to be deprogrammed from the cult. That line keeps JUMPING out at me. It scares me.
I've been in a relationship like that before.
Its called Stockholm Syndrome.
Its not healthy ... Its not TPE ... Its not internal slavery.
Please keep in mind, I'm basing this from my own experience. You may disagree with it ... I'm going to describe what happened to me (at least as much as I can describe ... its hard to do and I know people are going to read this and judge me but I feel like it needs to be said) and you can either compare my experience to yours or you can dismiss me. Its up to you what feels RIGHT and SAFE for you ...
December of 2002 I met a man online ... He called himself a Gorean Master but I know now that he was and is not a Gorean Master. He only uses that term to justify his actions ... Get to know the majority of Goreans and you'll see the differences.
By January of 2003 he'd convinced me that I needed to give up everything in my life and become his. I don't know at what point I started being stupid ... Obviously at some point I stopped using my own common sense because I know better than to do what I did ... I moved in with him and his Free Companion January 12, 2003.
By Valentine's Day I'd seen enough ... He was horrible to his FC. He would scream and yell at her, throwing her into furniture, throwing things at her ... He would make me kneel in the corner of the living room and her children would be watching with huge eyes as he did this to her every single night. I didn't know what to do ... Sometimes I would hold the kids or try to get them to stay in their bedroom and play. After only a month with them the Stockhold Syndrome had started for me ...
I had no job, no life outside that house. My duties included tending to her as a handmaiden of sorts, tending to him (at that point I was not sexually active with either of them) and caring for the children. I cooked the meals, cleaned the home, did the laundry, helped the boys with their homework. He worked from the home so he'd be in and out all day. When she came home from work I'd serve dinner, draw her bath, dry her hair and comb it out afterwards, make sure the bedroom was comfortable and everything was ready for the next day. In between all that the fights would occur and I'd do my best to shelter the children.
The notion of calling the police or disobeying in any way was simply not an option. I was terrified of what that would mean .. What would happen to me if I did that? What would my actions cause? So I was obedient ...
My best friend noticed the changes in me. I had gone from being outgoing, talkative, sometimes downright pushy to being completely docile. I didn't voice an opinion ... I was quiet ... I was like a zombie of myself, she said. She immediately took it into her hands to come and get me out of there. Unfortunately, she got snowed in for a week. He worked on her during that week ... He told her that the arguments were not his fault. He went from screaming and yelling all the time to acting sugary sweet. He would bring me flowers. He would flinch when his FC came into the room as if he were afraid of her. After months of abuse from him, his FC would sometimes lash out ... She'd also immediately run to the bedroom and cry. She was just as scared and confused as I was.
By the time my friend was able to leave, he'd convinced her that she should take me ... But she should bring him along as well. The FC was supposed to be the problem and if we could just get away from her then all would be well. I'd become extremely ill at this point and literally could not speak. I was on medication that made me hallucinate so between February 20 and March 5, 2003 I was pretty much just along for the ride. I dont remember much about the trip with my friend. I hallucinated a lot .. I know he yelled at her, abused her, berated her and when we finally got to her place he stayed just long enough to get her evicted and then he packed me up in his van and we went to his hometown. At some point on that trip he tried to kick me out of the van somewhere in Virginia. I dont even remember why ... I just remember thinking ... Oh my god if he leaves me what will I do? I have to be with him ... I was willing to do anything. I promised anything ... Just as long as he didnt leave me.
Between March 2003 and July 2003 I was kept in a tiny hotel room. I was raped almost every day. Sex was a punishment ... If I was good and didnt piss him off I would be left alone. I could watch tv if I wanted to or color with crayons. I wasnt allowed to shower alone or close the door to the bathroom. I was only allowed to leave the room to go on one walk every night, around the block. I was timed ... If I took too long he'd come find me and bring me back to the room and rape me again. One night I made the mistake of threatening to call the police. He broke my hand, he slammed my head against the tile wall of the bathroom until I was unconcious and he injured my dog. (I still have that dog, by the way ... She has nightmares every night.)
I was told that if I ever left him, he'd send the dog to me in pieces. His family was just like him. I was threatened that if I ever broke his heart they'd come after me. Now you'd think that at some point I would go ... Hey, I should leave here. This isn't safe ... But I didnt think that way at all.
I would defend him up and down. If anything bad happened to me, it was because I was a bad person. I was a bad slave. I was a bad kajira. I deserved whatever I got. I felt fortunate that he kept me ... Sometimes he'd 'kick me out' ...He'd pack a bag and hand it to me and push me out the door, locking it behind me. I could be fully dressed or I could be wearing nothing more than a t shirt when he did this. It didnt matter to him. After an hour or two he'd come out and find me. After the first time I learned not to go very far. The first time I took my bag and just started walking. I didnt know where to go ... When he finally found me, I wasnt able to get out of bed for two days.
In this town, people loved and respected this man. He had helped to build the local woman's shelter. It was located next door to his own grandmother's home. He had been a volunteer EMT and most of the cops knew him by name. The police were called on him one time ... Because of the screaming. When they showed up, he invited them in and they actually sat and just talked for a little while. I just sat there quietly, not saying much of anything and he told them about the pills I had to take that made me hallucinate and said thats all it was. The police basically said if he felt like he couldnt control me they could take me in for the night until I was myself again but he said it wouldnt be necessary. They left. I hadnt had one of those pills in over 3 months by that time.
Finally in early August 2003 a friend of mine decided enough was enough. She didnt' know all the details. She just knew that something was terribly wrong. She got together with a group of Doms and someone came and physically removed me from that hotel room. I almost didnt leave ... I almost fought them. They had to actually take my dog out first and I followed for her sake.
Now, three years later, I still have flashbacks. I have PTSD, anxiety attacks, nightmares. I wake up screaming. Bu the scariest part is that sometimes I think to myself ... That if I'd been just a little better, he'd have kept me. I know everything I just said sounds pretty unbelievable. I'm pretty sure a lot of people are going to say I made it all up or that I'm taking what you've said out of context.
All I know is, I know what you mean when you said it feels like a cult. When you say that you would do things that you don't want to do simply because he tells you to do it, I know how that feels. I dont know, from your post, whether or not he does try to make you do things that would endanger you or if you're merely giving those as an example of your devotion to him.
Only you know what goes on behind closed doors. If you're struggling with accepting yourself as a slave, I understand that. Its a hard thing for anyone to accept especially in a society where women are raised to believe that we are equal or better than men, that we can do anything and to even entertain the idea of less is weakness and failure.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, look closely at the things he requests of you. *Would* he tell you to shoot yourself in the foot? When you're feeling unsexy or pissed off and he arouses you, how does it feel? Is it a completely good feeling or do you feel dirty from it? Does he use sex as a tool for pleasure ... Either pleasure for himself or for you ... Or does he use it as a means to punish you? There is a difference between rape and bad sex. Keep that in mind as well. Rape is about power, taking power from someone else. Bad sex is just bad sex ...
Also, what would happen if he were to no longer be there in your life? Is there a contigency plan? Would you be taken care of? TPE and 24/7 slavery is all fine and well as long as the Master bears in mind that he is not immortal and has something arranged so that if his slave should outlive him or the relationship, she will be provided for at least until she is in a position to provide for herself.
Is there such a thing as internal slavery? Yes ... Slavery as a way of life has worked for thousands of years. Up until very recently, slavery was simply a fact of life for many people ... But whether or not what you're experiencing is slavery or Stockhold Syndrome is unclear to me. I dont have enough facts about your situation ... All I can say is please be gentle with yourself.
< Message edited by darq -- 4/25/2006 11:48:49 AM >
_____________________________
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
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RE: Internal Slavery - 
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This is called 'being in denial'. It will pass. 
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