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How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 11:44:38 AM   
notomorrow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		I am new to all of this, and while methods of punishment for misbehavior is fairly obvious, what about rewards for good behavior? I assume it could be different for every relationship and person, but how do you handle that situation? If you're s sub/slave, how do you want to be rewarded?

< Message edited by notomorrow -- 9/19/2010 11:45:34 AM >
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 11:53:15 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notomorrow
I am new to all of this, and while methods of punishment for misbehavior is fairly obvious, what about rewards for good behavior?
Oh man. So you've got the negative incentives down cold and you wonder what positive reinforcements you can provide? And you're looking for a submissive, not a bottom? That is a serious problem. In short you want some woman to give at least a part of herself to you, but you have no idea what you can offer in return. I'd say your screwed and not in a good way. Were it me, I would never, ever return to this thread. Instead, what I'd do is go hide in the bedroom/attic/whatever all by myself and do some deep thinking about what you have to OFFER someone else. Not what you want out of them.

In real leadership scenarios, it is pretty much always the exact opposite. The rewards are the easy and obvious part. It's the disciplinary actions which take vast amounts of thought.

Unless... of course... it is your intent to build a fear based relationship in which case, carry on, all is well.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to notomorrow)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:20:02 PM   
notomorrow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		I am not involved in BDSM at the moment, I'm only learning through reading stories and advice. I can't say for 100% certainty what I'm looking for yet, and it's very obvious that many on this website are into a more extreme lifestyle that I could be involved in. I have no reason to hide from any questions I'm going to ask here, I'm very honest about my intentions and (in)experience. and I'm not going learn without asking straightforward questions that may be obvious to people who are more involved and experienced.

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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:22:23 PM   
BigDaddy723


Posts: 275
Joined: 5/7/2010
Status: offline 		I always enjoy reading your responces Jeff, but indeed you are very much correct at least I think so.  

And as for you notomorrow, I can think of one verbal reward without having to think at all the other ones seem to just fall in line with it. It is not always the big overt gestures that mean anything, sometimes the smallest thing you can do has the biggest effect. Good luck.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:29:21 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i am usually very happy when He shows His appreciation by throwing me a dog biscuit or when He honours me by letting me suck His big toe

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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:44:39 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notomorrow

I am new to all of this, and while methods of punishment for misbehavior is fairly obvious, what about rewards for good behavior? I assume it could be different for every relationship and person, but how do you handle that situation? If you're s sub/slave, how do you want to be rewarded?

That smile in his eye is all I need.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:46:37 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notomorrow

I am new to all of this, and while methods of punishment for misbehavior is fairly obvious, what about rewards for good behavior? I assume it could be different for every relationship and person, but how do you handle that situation? If you're s sub/slave, how do you want to be rewarded?


Well....I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman who couldn't act like a sane human being......it's pretty basic really....and I certainly wouldn't reward anyone for behaving like a decent human being...surely it's a minimum requirement?

Shouldn't she be rewarding me anyway? I'm the one who needs gifts and pleasure round here!

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to notomorrow)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:53:11 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
Shouldn't she be rewarding me anyway? I'm the one who needs gifts and pleasure round here!


Pins a First Place ribbon on NorthernGents chest. You are thus rewarded.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:54:41 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		First off, not everyone here is into an extreme lifestyle, so stop with the sweeping generalizations.

Second, you can read an entire library of books, and ask a million questions on a message board, but you are forgetting a very important step.

That would be first meeting someone you have chemistry and compatibility with.

Once that is done, all things should flow naturally; including learning to be a Dom.

No one size fits all here or anywhere and one man's reward is another's punishment; a little like one woman's trashy man is another one's prince.

Stop trying to figure it all out before you are even a relationship.

(in reply to notomorrow)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 12:55:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you're a good dominant, there should be damn near no reason to punish. You should be teaching her how to succeed. Helping her brainstorm solutions to problems. Having open communication so you can foresee the problems and prevent them from occurring.

Rewards sound like tossing a fish to a trained seal. Ick. Seriously. Is that what you liked from your mother as a kid or did you prefer a spontaneous thank you, a hug, a dance around the house? We're no different in that we need to be appreciated for what we do, we need "great meal" instead of a grunt while you go off to watch football while she cleans up. We need you to notice when we're down, and to hug us and ask what's wrong. Just like you.

Pay attention, just pay attention to her. Practice active listening instead of thinking up rebuttals and snarky comebacks. Don't be so insecure that you need to denigrate anything she suggests.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to NorthernGent)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:08:15 PM   
Inthewoods


Posts: 36
Joined: 4/5/2010
Status: offline 		I think maybe there is some unfairness here towards the OP.  He is not diving into a rlationship without thinking about it, he is reseraching and thinking.  Most stuff you read online is about punishment  - I commend him for even considering reward or positive reinforcement or whatever you want to call it.

OP - the answer will lie with your partner.  For some it might be a smile from you, for others a big chunk of chocolate.  Knowing your partner is the key to everything.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:09:17 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~FR~

If you're s sub/slave, how do you want to be rewarded?

Being told "Good girl" goes a looooong ways for me. Quality time together is always great too. I guess you could say I'm low-mainentance in that I prefer the togetherness for rewards more than material things. lol

~sweetsub~



_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:14:24 PM   
Keliarra


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/13/2010
Status: offline 		Wow, ya know, from all the negative responses to this thread, it really puts me off from wanting to ask any kind of question. I don't see why it's such a big issue that notomorrow is wanting information on rewards, or really, wanting any kind of information before getting into a BDSM relationship. I think it's great that he at least wants to have SOME idea of what he's doing before unleashing himself on some unsuspecting subbie. Yes there does come a point where book learning and asking questions needs to translate into real life, but sheesh, give the guy a break people. At least he doesn't have the attitude of how Domly Dom he is in spite of being new. THAT is when all the negative, attacking responses should come in, NOT here. Also, the use of rewards doesn't make any Dom a bad one. If a girl thrives best on a reward system, wouldn't the Dom be considered bad if he did NOT then reward her? It all depends on the dynamics and needs of the two (or more) people involved, NOT what anyone else deems to be good or bad.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:25:26 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Fair enough notomorrow and I apologize. I obviously read that wrong and I normally try to be more positive in my interpretations.

So... to your question then.

Let's start with the door that I'm coming out of because there are different kinds of doms, subs, and relationships. I am generally non-kinky. We don't eroticize our dynamic. Think of it like I'm the manager and she's the employee. It's a way for us to make decisions in our marriage that works for us. So my thoughts are all going to be from the mindset of building a long-term sustainable relationship with one person having more authority than the other. That is very different from the kind of dominance involved in a scene. There are different objectives and pressures which then mandate different responses. So now, I hope, you can put my answer in some sort of reasonable context in relation to you and your hopes.

What I find for myself is that grand gestures do not work. Think about it for yourself. Let's suppose that by and large your sub ignored you totally and once in a while delivered on a truly awesome set of commands. Would that work for you in the long-term? It doesn't for most people.

So what I give to Carol is ME. I reward her by being attentive to her. I reward her by caring about what she cares about. At this very moment she's working on a new stained glass mosaic. I've stopped by the workbench at least 10 times today to take a look at progress... answer questions... provide critique... and in general demonstrate that I do in fact care about her and the things that are important to her.

In general, followers need to know that they have a clear place on the team and that the things they are being asked to spend their time on are valuable. Providing that is the essence of team building. I tell Carol that the things she does (for instance, her mosaic which has no immediate and personal value to me) are important by spending my own time on them (see above). This is why leaders throughout history do "military reviews", "ops reviews", "project reviews", etc. It isn't so the 5 star general can make sure everyone knows how to dress properly. It's to say, "You are important enough to me that I am making time in my busy schedule to acknowledge you."

People want a sense of security which comes from having a well defined role and a sense of importance (which directly comes from you as the leader by treating whatever it is as GENUINELY important). If you can find how to provide those two things for any follower... work... military... home... then you won't need to worry about positive reinforcement.

With any luck, that was a more "on-target" answer although it may be entirely off-base for you personally.

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to notomorrow)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:32:05 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
Shouldn't she be rewarding me anyway? I'm the one who needs gifts and pleasure round here!


Pins a First Place ribbon on NorthernGents chest. You are thus rewarded.



That's very kind of you...Poise.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:34:50 PM   
notomorrow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		I'm really not trying to generalize anybody, maybe my 'tone' seems to cold or harsh in writing and can be offensive, I'm not sure. I'm only curious about how positive reinforcement situations work for other people. I'm not looking for some cookie-cutter responses of 'do this and this, you get that'. It's going to be different for everyone and of course would be something to find naturally in a relationship, but I'm asking what works for YOU, not what could potentially be useful for me, although it's great to have ideas flowing around that may not be normally considered.

(in reply to Keliarra)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:40:41 PM   
notomorrow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		Great! That's more along what I've been asking for, but probably wasn't descriptive enough.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 1:49:20 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notomorrow
Great! That's more along what I've been asking for, but probably wasn't descriptive enough.
Naw, you were fine... the error was mine. I chose for whatever reasons to assume the worst. I generally like to avoid that and I failed here... hence my apology.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to notomorrow)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 3:02:45 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notomorrow

I am new to all of this, and while methods of punishment for misbehavior is fairly obvious, what about rewards for good behavior? I assume it could be different for every relationship and person, but how do you handle that situation? If you're s sub/slave, how do you want to be rewarded?


To be frank, *good behaviour* is rather expected in my relationship, on both sides....I'm not used to being rewarded for behaving in a way we both think I should. I don't really need to be encouraged to behave well as it's something I want for myself anyhow.

So, to sum that up....both him AND I expect each other to behave as well as we can in all circumstances.

I don't need to be rewarded for behaving in a way that I wanted to in the first place.

But this is all situational , as I can think of some situations where I haven't , but it's been understandable due to circumstances. If he thought I couldn't give a rat's arse and played up, showed off and generally behaved like an utter cow, I'd expect to be taken to task pretty severely.........but he knows I don't do that. He knows I DO give a rat's arse, he knows that I would be disgusted with myself if I behaved poorly. Not for HIM , but for me.

To sum all that up........ NO reward for behaving as we expect, but certainly expect to be questioned and called to explain if that falls short.

That's just how it is here.

agirl








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RE: How do you 'reward' your sub/slave? - 9/19/2010 3:21:58 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Something as simple as when he says thank you or good girl.
That's all I need.

_____________________________



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