Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Childless ?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Childless ? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 4:28:40 PM   
calamitysandra


Posts: 1682
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		Right now I am in the thick of it. My sons are 6, 7, and 10. In fact, I just got home from a parent teacher conference.

I always wanted children, and I am glad I did have them. There is no question that having children shaped me, and that I would be leading a completely different live than I do now. If that would be better or worse, depends on where you are standing, and what glasses you are wearing. From my point of view, it would have been an emptier, less meaningful live.

I enjoy the interaction with my kids, seeing them grow, both physically and as persons gives me a sense of accomplishment that no job ever did.
I suffer and cry when they fail, are hurt,or ill, I celebrate their accomplishments and victories with them, I encourage them to reach for the stars, and to pick up those dirty socks, damnit!
I love the way they make me look at the world anew, the insights that come from conversations with them, the knowledge I gain while researching an question from out of left field, a new appreciation for things long ago taken for granted.
I laugh at their antics, and sometimes I despair of them.
I worry, I lose sleep , and rejoice.

And sometimes? I want to run for the hills.
But then they do or say something that makes it all worthwhile.


So no, I can not, and do not want to, imagine a live without my children.
I do however have an deep admiration for every person who does not feel that he/she should parent, or simply does not want to, and who has the strength to stand by their decision even if faced with social/familial pressure.
I hurt for those who wanted to be a parent, and for whatever reason where not able to. I am not going to pretend that I know what it feels like.
Reading that so many of you are making a difference in kids lives, be they their own or others makes me truly happy, because you know, it really does take a village.


Now, for the feeling that the world is geared towards children and families in an unfair way? I believe that this is a case of distorted perception. Many families feel that it works just the other way 'round. I guess the truth lies in the middle, and we tend to see the negatives while overlooking the things that work in our favour.

Lastly, being hurt about LaTs comments, while calling those of us with children "breeders" is just a little bit funny.

_____________________________

"Whenever people are laughing, they are generally not killing one another"
Alan Alda


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:06:48 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Well you are breeders, aren't you? :)

Slightly off topic, it's not too early to paint pumpkins, is it?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to calamitysandra)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:09:23 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline 		No Kids.

Why, well, I didn't much care for my situation in childhood. I won't by choice have a kid, unless I can ensure I have the time and money to do what I feel is right by them. I see to many people that have been forced into less than desirable semi-permanent situations because of obligations to their children, I'm sure most accept that because they love their kids (others don't like it though), I'm just the type that likes more ideal solutions. Or the other end of the spectrum people that have kids and can't reasonably care for them, by choice, or not.

What does that mean, it means I may die childless, or may have kids. I'm a guy, so, who knows maybe I'll end up pulling a larry king. LOL. Hopefully not that old though.

My idea of raising a child is probably not standard by others conceptions though.

Like, I would not want to send my kid to the schools around here. No way. So, private school or home school.
Like, I would want to expose my kid to the world. So, lengthy vacations to remote parts of the world are expensive.
Like, I would want to allow my kid to be able to learn by doing as well and learn what they want without hindrance. Like Build your own plane kits are expensive.

You get the idea. I will have the nerdiest, worldiest kid the world has ever witnessed. LOL.

Helping to teach a kid, and do stuff with them takes a lot of time, which means, I won't be working full time and pretty well be optionally "retired" if I selected when to have a kid.

LOL. I don't know, I really did not enjoy childhood at all, I think I'd probably be using the my kid as an excuse to have a desirable childhood via him/her.

I just want it to be fun, enjoyable experience without fear of crazy people breaking in, poverty, or other bad stuff.

I really disliked my childhood. Did I say that already.


Sure, I know people can grow up not having everything and I wouldn't supply "everything", just good things, but I'm a little fudged on the subject growing up with a crazy single mother that attracted scum like bees to honey, and having holes in the floor of your house and freezing in the winter time, type childhood experience. Wearing shoes 3 sizes to big... Etc... Shudder even thinking about it...

So, there will be zero chance that happens.

So, that is that...

That is why to this day, the only exception to my "cold hearted" libertarian viewpoints are issues pertaining to kids, well kids and animals. Kids and Animals don't have a choice about the situations they are placed in, adults well, they do for the most part. I understand shit happens, but a lot of shit is self inflicted.

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble.....




(in reply to calamitysandra)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:10:48 PM   
calamitysandra


Posts: 1682
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		I have no idea. Halloween is a quite recent addition over here. But I did just buy a pumpkin carving kit.

_____________________________

"Whenever people are laughing, they are generally not killing one another"
Alan Alda


(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:14:26 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Mom goes to florida over halloween, so she will miss the last minute carving--and those kits are great! My feeling is that a non-carved pumpkin will certainly last.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to calamitysandra)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:15:17 PM   
dcsub2


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/12/2008
Status: offline 		In my experience, whatever people decide to do about a major life decision like kids, they then justify as being the best course for them. It's very rare for someone to admit to regrets. It would be like wishing you were a different person.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:29:49 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		One reason I didnt have kids is that, let's just say that My upbringing was ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm very painful. I'm afraid I'd have done the same to one of Mine.

(in reply to dcsub2)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:43:41 PM   
Aneirin


Posts: 6121
Joined: 3/18/2006
From: Tamaris
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcsub2

In my experience, whatever people decide to do about a major life decision like kids, they then justify as being the best course for them. It's very rare for someone to admit to regrets. It would be like wishing you were a different person.


Is it a decision though or does it just happen ? I am aware many do plan to have kids and there set aside the time to create kids, but are they a majority or a minority ? How many I wonder just succumb to nature and go where nature decides and live with the consequences thereafter, as being a mother is a natural thing, human females are designed for it. Males on the other hand, I am unsure, are they there for the precious fertilisation and no more, or are they meant to stay and provide, I guess the latter if one looks towards nature yet there are so many alone mothers.

Regards my own situation, I have built up a wall, a protective wall of intolerance or at least near intolerance towards other people's children for two reasons. The first reason is the joy of other peoples children wrenches at me, what could have been maybe, as I am told I am good with children, I meet them on a par, which might be because of immaturity due to not having been a father, or it is just me, but nowadays I keep away to save myself the woe. The second reason I keep away from children is I am single and given society the way it is, it is I feel best the questionable singles, especially single males keep away from children for obvious reasons, society sadly has formed that oppinion. I used to be a scout leader and outward bound instructor, but I left it all as I do not wish to be suspected because I am single but not alone. Single through choice, not ineptitude, I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have been asked given my youth work qualifications and abilities to go back into what I did before, but again the way society is, no way. for it seems there is always those who like to point fingers because they feel people who are not part of family units are suspect. Furthermore I will not subject myself to the police/social services scrutineering as to my suitability to work with children, I was never scrutineered before, I will not accept it now, as it comes across as everyone is a suspect until found to be innocent, I cannot accept that, when it is I give my time and my abilities for the good of others, not monetary reward.


_____________________________

Everything we are is the result of what we have thought, the mind is everything, what we think, we become - Guatama Buddha

Conservatism is distrust of people tempered by fear - William Gladstone

(in reply to dcsub2)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 5:57:08 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dcsub2

In my experience, whatever people decide to do about a major life decision like kids, they then justify as being the best course for them. It's very rare for someone to admit to regrets. It would be like wishing you were a different person.



Do you think so? I think that people want to avoid sounding bitter in person, and want to keep their feelings private, so as to avoid being judged.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to dcsub2)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Childless ? - 9/28/2010 6:57:11 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

To those who have children, can you imagine life without ?


Greetings Aneirin,

My daughter has provided challenges and a depth of fulfillment that I doubt I could replicate. Although I'm a young empty nester by most standards, I'm enjoying the opportunity to explore the next phase of my life. Admittedly I don't have a lot of answers about what that entails, but I'm keeping an open mind and consider the possibilities of what follows very intriguing. We've developed a very tight bond and watching her blossom and strike out on her own is a wonderful transition to behold. In spite of the difficult moments I wouldn't alter the landscape of my life that included her.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 5:13:41 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

when I was five, I announced that I would never marry and never have children. I was told that I would change my mind, but I never did. Choosing not to breed is the decision I can look back on with utter confidence that I did the right thing.


I was about the same age and my mum says I said the same thing and yes, she thought I would change my mind.  Mum still believes that this was a self fulfilling prophecy of mine and I am sure that at some level she thinks I made this choice just to piss her off

From very young I talked about the great career I would have and the nice car I would have and the holidays I would go on so maybe I was simply too selfish.

My decision was helped by the fact that I had a string of disastrous relationships so I never met anyone that I felt would be a good co-parent to any children but like many others I have always lavished my love on the kids around me and have a very close bond with my niece.

Just recently in particular I have had the what if thoughts  and a bit of sadness over what I will never experience but I also know that I am the kind of person who would have gone shopping and come back home and not realised till a few hours later that I had left a kidlet in the shopping centre.

and also like others here I have worked with young people a lot and have always loved them and their unique views on life and have been told by more than one young person that they wished  was their mum. 

I don't have any regrets though, my life is what it is and I have got my fulfillment in so many other ways, none of them worse nor better that from being a parent...simply different


_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 9:14:24 AM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

To those who have children, can you imagine life without ?


I could not imagine being without our daughter. She is a grown woman and a single mother now. Her mother was the same as myself regarding our daughter. She and I both bonded with our daughter in different ways of course. Now that our daughter is a mother and my beloved Companion/wife has passed on there are many moments of tears while watching our grandchildren enjoy life. Our daughter is, in my eyes, the most wonderfully intelligent accomplished young woman. I am ever so proud of her. I know her mother was also. I cannot imagine not having had the time of raising our daughter as the moments linger of times past as a family. Within our hearts the memories are imprinted forever. Nothing would be worth its weight in gold or otherwise for our precious daughter who has made me very proud to be her father & grandfather of her children. Certainly the same is true for all parents, I would think.

Take care!

(in reply to Aneirin)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 9:30:41 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I never liked kids when I WAS a kid... babies do nothing for me, except give me the EW. No thanks, I do not want to hold the baby. Hand em over when they are eight! :)

I was born with a moderate/severe birth defect that meant a childhood of mockery, and lots of exciting surgical experiences. I was seriously afraid that I would give birth to another freak, and NO WAY would I wish that on anyone, ever. So, when I really LOOKED at my decision, it was really easy to keep saying NO. I know that my defect was not genetic, just one of those "fetal trauma" things, but You Never Know.

When I was young, I was willing to be a surrogate to my friends if they had trouble concieving. I still toy with the idea of becoming a midwife, something I would be VERY good at, but I wonder if I would be looked at askance for not being a breeder myself. (yeah, all those male obstetricians, no biggie )

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Zevar)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 9:48:24 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Not having kids tho- is like breaking the chain.

Isn't it?



(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:05:04 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		What chain? The "family"? I have cousins who have kids, good enough. We don't have a family business to pass on, just a family curse (if you believe my mom!) and there are far too many people in the world as it is. Lots of folks are picking up my non-breeder slack!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to pahunkboy)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:07:19 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Lady,

I have no kids either.   Part of me - does feel like I broke the chain.

Even still-  I am too old right now- even if everything else was great.  (which it is not)

It is what it is.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:12:37 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I think that all of us humans are "connected" via our DNA. Just a fast perusal of the boards shows that many folks did not have great experiences with their bio families, and what does that tell you? That the "chain" is what we make it. I have always been very pro-adoption, and I am still young enough to adopt an older child someday. It's all in the lives we enhance, not the people we produce.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to pahunkboy)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:28:36 AM   
PeanutTigerinBox


Posts: 1624
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: calamitysandra
Now, for the feeling that the world is geared towards children and families in an unfair way? I believe that this is a case of distorted perception. Many families feel that it works just the other way 'round. I guess the truth lies in the middle, and we tend to see the negatives while overlooking the things that work in our favour.


Being from Germany but living in aneirins country since six years by now I know what aneirin was saying with
quote:

Socially, well in this country anyway singles are generally not wanted, well not not wanted, but there is not much thought directed in their favour and it sometimes though it might I understand come across as a selfish thing to say, but I have to say it, becomes very wearing hearing about families coming first, children being the most important people it seems in society, then the parents, grand parents etc. Does anyone ever stop to think society is made up of others who are not connected to children, childless couples through intent or not, and singles who perhaps think in order to become part of society, they must shack up with someone and think about offspring to be accepted by society.


The limelight in day to day life for children and their families is very different over here than back home and I had many moments over here where it also got on my nerves, which I did not experience at home. So I don't think it lies in the middle, it depends merely where you are living how are going to see it.

_____________________________

RIP 08/09/07

aka Phoenixpower

one of my favourite songs :o) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_CuY4nMu8c&feature=related

(in reply to calamitysandra)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:40:20 AM   
PeanutTigerinBox


Posts: 1624
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I think that all of us humans are "connected" via our DNA. Just a fast perusal of the boards shows that many folks did not have great experiences with their bio families, and what does that tell you? That the "chain" is what we make it. I have always been very pro-adoption, and I am still young enough to adopt an older child someday. It's all in the lives we enhance, not the people we produce.


Whilst having kids are in my theoretical plans I also worked a lot with troubled kids back home which gave me experiences I would not want to miss in case I would ever bring up kids. It wasn't the case yet for many different reasons but some years ago I decided that not having found the right partner for me, will not stop me from having kids (unless my body refuses) as I don't see the reason why I should avoid having children just because I haven't met the right partner for me yet. However, if I would be going that way then I would wait until I would be stable enough (e.g. financially, after relocation) to be able to do so and not just jumping in, into the hope it will all be ok....so to be reasonably financially stable would be important to me before I would be going on a potential single mother project.

In regards to own kids or adoption, my ex was infertile due to cancer treatment way before we met and whilst I was with him I would not have mind to adopt children instead, so it does not have to be my "own" children for me. However, later it became clear that he does not want to have any kids at all and is happier on his own which is why we split but remained friends (and he would always be the first in line as a potential godfather....which he would not mind, he has often taken on that role already )

_____________________________

RIP 08/09/07

aka Phoenixpower

one of my favourite songs :o) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_CuY4nMu8c&feature=related

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:45:47 AM   
PeanutTigerinBox


Posts: 1624
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

I believe that is a small price to pay over being a bad parent and having offspring who would look at me with disgust and contempt.



Whilst of course I can't talk about others view and there can be oversensitive kids out there but IMO it takes a heck of a lot to look at own parents with disgust....my parents mastered that one, but I tell ya, they invested a lot of unbelievible major errors into my life and still keep doing so these days, but they still did not reach that title until just six years ago...since then I am done with them on a deeper level

_____________________________

RIP 08/09/07

aka Phoenixpower

one of my favourite songs :o) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_CuY4nMu8c&feature=related

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: Childless ? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094