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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:58:05 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		REGARLESS OF WHAT OME ONE IS SPREDING LIKE WILD FIRE IN CM,I HAVE 5 CHILDREN NOT COUNTING THOSE CHILDLESS COUPLES THAT I HAVE HELPED OUT, A DAUGHTER THAT IS 3 AND ONE 6 MONTHS, 3 OLDER DAUGHTER RANGING FROM 19 TO 33.. AND YES I WOULD DO IT AGAIN..JUST BE ABLE TO PEARPARE FOR THIER FUTURE AS I AM A BIT OLDER THEN MOST DOMS THAT START A SECOND FAMILY AND OH YES WE ARE MARRIED REGARLESS OF THE LIES SHE TELLS,HER LIEING TONGUE WILL TURN TO A FROG ONE DAY OH HELL I AM MOVING ON AND WISH HER NOTHING BUT THE BEST BUT AS ALWAYS SHE KNOWS WHERE HOME IS..BOUNTY..PS FORGIVE THE CAPS BUT HARD TO TYPE WITH A CAST ON..BH

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 10:58:54 AM   
PeanutTigerinBox


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quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

Thanks, those of you who pointed out that not every child sees it as a duty to look after their elderly parents. For two reasons.

1) I'm genuinely worried about how we're going to deal with getting ancient. It somehow helps to know that having kids might not have helped.

2) I gave up on my whole family 20 years ago, so I won't be looking after my own parents.



You are welcome and you obviously know out of own experience that it can happen

Apart from children who might not see it as their duty to look after their parents there are also many other reasons why children might not be able to do it e.g. due to own fragility (I was hit by a car twice as a kid and am lucky not having any form of disabilities/paralisation from those events) due to death before their own parents or due to ending up on the wrong track in life....so yes, there are many possibilities that you might not get anything in return for what you gave if you decide to bring children up You can give all the best you can...it simply won't mean that the child will turn out how you would like him/her to turn out due to outside influences into their lives or simply due to different expectations in life about what kids and parents might consider to be the right path of life for them.

In regards to other views that people said they would change their mind....last year my brothers godfather and my dad spoke about my godfathers son's wedding which was coming up and my dad said something which he thinks is a shame did not happen at my brothers wedding. My brothers godfather said that he would have my wedding for that where I also made clear there won't be wedding fuss if I would get married (I would be perfectly fine to just with him in one of those quick churches in america or so, I don't need the family fuss itself). He dared to cut me short a la I would change my mind, talking about his daughter who never wanted kids and now has a son....*snort*, I would love him to show me one (just one) situation where I did change my mind when I had made it up....if my future partner to be would dare to invite my parents behind my back I would not say yes to him, thats for sure. My wedding would have to be without my parents, to increase the chances that it would be a good day

Before my brothers wedding I got a nasty bug with temperature and so at the end did not attend his wedding.....I am pretty sure that this came more on to me due to my feelings of having no real interest to go to his wedding than just a normal cold.

< Message edited by PeanutTigerinBox -- 9/29/2010 10:59:29 AM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 3:43:15 PM   
hertz


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quote:

My wedding would have to be without my parents, to increase the chances that it would be a good day


I think I might love you!

I uninvited my parents from my whole life for exactly the same reason. Sometimes, I think you just have to dare to take what you need for yourself. Selfish? Yeah, maybe. But I wouldn't allow strangers to treat me like an idiot, and I don't see that family get any special dispensations.

Stick to your guns. You know it makes sense.



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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 3:45:37 PM   
hertz


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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Part of me - does feel like I broke the chain.



Make a new chain. You don't have to stick to the one you inherited.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 3:57:16 PM   
PeanutTigerinBox


Posts: 1624
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

My wedding would have to be without my parents, to increase the chances that it would be a good day


I think I might love you!

I uninvited my parents from my whole life for exactly the same reason. Sometimes, I think you just have to dare to take what you need for yourself. Selfish? Yeah, maybe. But I wouldn't allow strangers to treat me like an idiot, and I don't see that family get any special dispensations.Stick to your guns. You know it makes sense.



Thank you and exactly, well said

My dad broke up the contact to his family (mother and siblings) when I was 10 as his dad died....he tried to build up the contact again 10 years later but without much success. Now since my nephew was born he talked with disrespect about his mum, a la she doesnt even know her great grand child...well, who had broken up the contact in the first place

Sometimes people say I would need to forgive my parents as they are my parents...which just makes my eyes roll, what reason is that??? Naaah, I was a grandparents child, they truly cared even when grandpa wasn't easy and I know i have my resilience thanks to the way granny used to treat me (she truly unconditionally loved me and did not put up with any false claims from my parents or others outside of the family, she was kind of "naaah, I know my grandchild better than what you try to sell to me."). Without her I might not have the strength in life which I have and I treasure that she build that up in me.

At the end of the day you often get what you give and when parents couldn't have cared less most of their time whilst bringing kids up then they don't need to be surprised when their kids don't bother to care about them later. I learned years ago it's better to face reality and see it as it is than to pretend it would be different or to continue to live in hope it would change, which will never be the case when the effort remains only to be from one side.

Whilst I won't break up completely with my parents the contact will just remain on a shallow level. Which means if I would have kids and live in new zealand they will be able to see them and will be able to talk to them but will simply only be able to see them every few years, and quite frankly, thats more than enough

I didn't go home for xmas since granny passed away in 2007 and don't miss it....because I know it causes way too much annoyances if I would bother to go home and I don't need that.

< Message edited by PeanutTigerinBox -- 9/29/2010 4:05:12 PM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:13:40 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Ya know I used to hold grudges against my mom for things she has said and done but in the end and as I grow older I've learned to forgive her and while I still don't like to visit her often and I bite my tongue every single time I talk to her, she's still my mom and if she ever needed anything I would still be there to help.

Now if only I could do that with my one sister...tried to but she just backstabbed time and again. I'm convinced she's pure evil.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:25:08 PM   
hertz


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quote:

Now if only I could do that with my one sister...tried to but she just backstabbed time and again. I'm convinced she's pure evil.


My mother and your sister would get on, I reckon...

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:27:21 PM   
SorceressJ


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Status: offline 		I am sorry for everyone's pain and disillusionment concerning their kin, but I am glad just the same to see that I am not alone. Blessings to all of you..

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:29:38 PM   
PeanutTigerinBox


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ya know I used to hold grudges against my mom for things she has said and done but in the end and as I grow older I've learned to forgive her and while I still don't like to visit her often and I bite my tongue every single time I talk to her, she's still my mom and if she ever needed anything I would still be there to help.


For that simply too much happened. I know I could never rely on them and learned it the hard way, so I am more than happy to let them experience their own bitter medicine themselves one day. I would have done everything for granny and did as much as I could, but parents and I is just not meant to be. Well, it would be meant to be if I would be stupid enough to end up as their slave, but thats not gonna happen

< Message edited by PeanutTigerinBox -- 9/29/2010 4:30:27 PM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:35:36 PM   
pahunkboy


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Status: offline 		I get along fine with my family.

:-)

No trouble here.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:41:30 PM   
angelikaJ


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Status: offline 		I am someone who is not childless by choice.

I wanted children, I wanted the birth experience.

There were steps involved in discovering that having a baby wasn't going to be a possibility.

I still grieve now and then.

I have respect for people who decide that not having children is the right answer for them.

15 or more years ago, I had a maternal-child health assignment and the mother had a new baby girl whom she lavished attention on.
She also had a 3 year old son.
He was invisible to her and it went beyond the demands of a new baby.
She had wanted a girl, and he wasn't one.

It was the first time in my much younger life that I realised that it was even possible to have a child and not love him/her.

Some people like LaT weren't interested in parenthood and (in her case) became a wonderful mother.

Some people have children and they never should have.



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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:41:59 PM   
soul2share


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Status: offline 		I never wanted kids...never played with dolls, tea parties, all that silly girl stuff.....I was in the creek looking for turtles and crawdads with the neighborhood boys.  I was the son my dad never had.  I don't like kids, pretty much can't stand them, the sound of a crying baby will drive me absolutely batshit.  As in homicidal.......I'm way too selfish to ever want any more kids....I'm not even sure I'll know how to be a grandmother! 

Now, that said.....I did end up having a child.....it sort of fell into place at that time of my life, however, had I known the future, I would NOT have had him.  I love him to death, and like my nieces and nephews, especially now that they are older, but as for wanting anymore.....well, for one thing I'm too old....my clock NEVER ticked!  When I called my parents to tell them they were going to be grandparents, after I dropped the bomb on my mom, there was a lengthy silence, and then I heard "What the hell are you going to do with a baby????"  That from my own mother. 

Today, my son is a well adjusted young man leading his own life.  We have a great relationship, and I'm proud of him.  When he was younger, he couldn't wait to be an older brother.....he'll make a great dad.  I may not have always made the right decisions, but we made it thru the rough spots over the years.  Would my life be differentif I hadn't had him?  Of course it would.  Would I be happy?  That I guess I'll never know.  I am, however, perfectly satisfied with my life as it turned out.

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 4:54:44 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


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Status: offline 		Yes, I had/have children. 4 boys, 2 grandsons.  I was young and didn't know then, that children came with such a stringent non-returnable policy.  Live and learn.  It wouldn't have been so bad, if they'd have at least arrived with a users manual. 

Can I imagine life without my kids?  I keep trying, but they keep coming back, with kids of their own.

PS - I adore my kids (and my granbabies).  Really I do. 

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 5:20:09 PM   
Wolf2Bear


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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Not having kids tho- is like breaking the chain.

Isn't it?




How?

Many of us who chose not to breed have also came from a mutli sibling family where our siblings are continuing this 'chain." Granted in my case, I only have a younger sister so I will not be continuing the family name. Oh well...no biggie.

I do commend couples who do procreate and do a damn decent job in child rearing as they have the fortitude to take on that responsibility that I turned my back on. I would rather see an infertile couple adopt a child than to see myself bringing a child into this world that I would not want. Now if that makes me selfish then so be it. many people make the choice to have children and many people choose not to - we all have that right to make a choice that we felt was best for us.


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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 7:04:27 PM   
MistressLavinia


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Status: offline 		I dont know where I fit in this. All I know is this is the only topic I read every single post on, I guess because I'm always drawn back to this. I once was pregnant, young and not knowing what my life would be like. I didn't even worry about my then boyfriend, this child was all mine to Love, and that's all I cared about. The only thing I wanted in my life was that child. I could have cared less if the whole world fell apart or just died, and instead the baby died inside of me. It was just another thing that tore my world apart at a young age. I wondered then as the nurses told me you'll get over it, would I ever? The bond for those months for me was already so strong, and that child was wanted so badly, I didn't think I would ever get over it, and years later, I havent, but I cope differently. I think, it would have changed many things for me, but also believe things happen for a reason for all of us. I don't know why or how, but I know no matter what, I want and love children.

So for me, it's still an option, and it's still a plan. I hope one day to be like one of the many wonderful Moms on here, like Daddysred who does so much for her children, and gives them a home and love. I guess for me its all about giving something that wasn't got. I believe I grew up in a home that was materialistic, and totally fucked up.

So for me, I want it, and hope one day it's all mine, maybe one day I'll be back to really comment here, on if I could imagine life without them, for now without knowing for sure, No - I can't imagine going through life without them. But respect all those who said why they didn't, because those are all really unselfish people.

Thanks for this post.



< Message edited by MistressLavinia -- 9/29/2010 7:07:47 PM >

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RE: Childless ? - 9/29/2010 7:13:49 PM   
LadyHibiscus


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Status: offline 		~~hugs Petal!!~~ I hope you do get your wish, darling one, and maybe adopt if you can't have one of your own? I don't think getting over a miscarriage can be easy, there is all that potential that you will never know! But these things happen for good health reasons, I believe, and I have hope for you. (yes, our Red and Things are a brilliant example, indeed! though T2 will be our future Queen so suck up now!)

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RE: Childless ? - 9/30/2010 7:29:09 AM   
NuevaVida


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This is a bittersweet topic for me, too.  Since I was little all I wanted was to be a mom with a busload of kids.  It didn't happen.  While I take responsibility for the choices I made, I married a man who had also said he wanted a ton of kids.  He held them over my head for years (and years and years...) - "Maybe NEXT year..."  Truth is, he didn't want me to have kids; he just wasn't honest about it.

When I realized the lie, I was almost 40.  By the time I left, divorced, and got my feet back on the ground, I was in my 40's.  Not having kids in my 40's, so the dream is over for me.

When I was in therapy during the divorce, I grieved the motherhood I would not be able to experience.  My therapist told me about 90% of his patients, when asked who was most influential in their lives, said someone other than their parents (an aunt, teacher, etc.).

Because of the sadness I still sometimes feel over what I didn't have, it's hard sometimes, to hear people complaining about their kids, to live in a world that is "family" oriented, to listen to claims of childless women being immature, selfish, not loving enough, or assumptions that something must be wrong with us.  The workforce is fun (not), in that co-workers are always leaving because the kids are sick, or have an event, or have a doctor appointment...Or they can't stay and work late because they have a family to get home to - so I'm often picking up the slack of the work that isn't done while they're away (I often joke that my cat needs me and I have to go).

Baby showers are painful.  I'm not a fan of conversations about diapers, toys, and car seats.  I'm not in that "mom's club."  And don't get me started when people say "Just be glad YOU don't have kids."  Yeah, thanks.

One friend at work made a joking comment about how often I travel and how spoiled I am and how jealous she is.  I said "You got the kids and family - I get the traveling."  She understood what I meant and said "Good point."

And yet, I'm soon 45, and I have the freedom to live as I choose.  I have adorable nieces and nephews, and Mr. Man's daughter and I are incredibly close.  I do have kids in my life, and I feel blessed by that.  I volunteer at certain childrens functions (local boys & girls club has a music and crafts day, for example), and at the end of the day I can go home to my quiet home. 

If I could do it over again, I'd give up all the "things" I possess - and pick a different partner, and would have the kids I wanted.  But that's not an option.  So I accept "what is" and ignore the whining many mom's spout, and pick up the slack at work, and enjoy the beautiful kids that are in my life.

A few weeks ago I had a little shin-dig for a friend at my place.  As we were all chatting, we all realized NONE of us in this gathering had children.  We laughed and toasted to it, but I know we all had our painful reasons (all of us wanted them).  It felt like a relief to be with women who understood my own feelings about unrealized motherhood. 


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RE: Childless ? - 9/30/2010 7:32:19 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: dcsub2

In my experience, whatever people decide to do about a major life decision like kids, they then justify as being the best course for them. It's very rare for someone to admit to regrets. It would be like wishing you were a different person.


Just wow.

I think people try to make the best of the life path they took.

I in no way wish I were a different person.  I wish I were the same person...with kids.  But guess what?  It didn't happen.  So rather than living with regret (what's the purpose in that?), I accept "what is" and move happily forward. 


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RE: Childless ? - 9/30/2010 7:36:02 AM   
pahunkboy


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From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

Not having kids tho- is like breaking the chain.

Isn't it?




How?

Many of us who chose not to breed have also came from a mutli sibling family where our siblings are continuing this 'chain." Granted in my case, I only have a younger sister so I will not be continuing the family name. Oh well...no biggie.

I do commend couples who do procreate and do a damn decent job in child rearing as they have the fortitude to take on that responsibility that I turned my back on. I would rather see an infertile couple adopt a child than to see myself bringing a child into this world that I would not want. Now if that makes me selfish then so be it. many people make the choice to have children and many people choose not to - we all have that right to make a choice that we felt was best for us.



It might be different for aunts-  but uncles can not - be too interested in any niece, nephews.   It just would not look good.

In one regard you are correct- but there is always that wonderment- "what if".

Of my siblings-  2 have kids- 2 do not.   The dynamics that go on- are quite interesting as this ratio has changed.



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RE: Childless ? - 9/30/2010 9:22:07 AM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		These so called "child bearing" hips are just an illusion. Display models.
Despite a great desire, and years of trying, it doesn't seem that kids are in the cards for me.
i have no siblings, so all my family's genetics die with me.

e2a

" There's a good chance if your parents didn't have kids, you won't either. "

< Message edited by FelineFae -- 9/30/2010 9:23:07 AM >

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