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Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 10:18:41 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I admit that my temper runs away with me. It's definately one of my flaws. And it recently... it completely escaped me. I said something I didn't mean to Valyraen and I felt terrible for it because I was speaking from a place of sheer hurt, frustration and anger.

He has already forgiven me. I apologized on my knees and we are working on the issue that sparked that anger in the first place.

Still... when I called a friend (BTW - I <3 lifestyle friends) and talked about it, they definately helped me realize that my intense and emotional reactions don't help the problem. And they certainly don't help create the power dynamic I need.

So... for those who have had trouble with their tempers, with their emotions in the past... how have you learned to control it? I have tried mantras and beating up on my punching bag but that doesn't seem to help when I'm seeing red. Honestly this is something that I really want to get some tips on since my emotions run deep - both good and bad - and if I could curb them, it would be lovely.

Thank you all for reading and replying.



_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair
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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 10:54:36 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Anger is a big thing for me, though I'm still figuring out how to control it myself. My thing is I remain mostly calm - albeit argumentative - until something really, really triggers me, or builds up, and then I hit the ceiling with a giant wave of fiery rage that almost feels good, it's so powerful. When I come off of it, after destroying whatever relationship was stupid enough to get in my way, I feel unbelievably awful and want to take back every single thing I said. The problem is that I don't just say crazy things when I'm angry, I say true things that back people into emotional/psychological corners. I'm like a surgeon when I get to that place, and I can cut very cleanly and accurately right to the core of anybody.

It's the highest high and lowest low I know of, including sub drop, and I can always see myself going into it with an almost cool clarity. Before it happens, I've been known to tell people "you need to say X right now," or "I'm about to get uncontrollably angry, I think we should stop talking for a few minutes," but I say it in such a normal voice that people rarely believe me and tend to keep pushing. Apparently I'm also "too cute" to be taken seriously when angry, which certainly doesn't help the rage factor when it gets there. I will say, though, that if people do listen to me - if they know that this is a problem for me and can swallow their pride for an hour and just agree to say "I hear and understand what you're saying, let's take a break" - then I don't get to that place.

If you have a problem controlling your temper, and know that you are capable of saying hurtful things, try to recognize the state you get into right before losing control and figure out a sentence to say to Valyraen that will let him know he needs to validate your feelings. Seriously, the biggest thing anyone can do to help control a temper is just to say "I see and understand what you're feeling." It's not about being right, it's about keeping the relationship healthy, and sometimes those of us who have some anger issues need a little bit of help. As for what you can do in your own head, without involving him, I have no idea how to advise you. I'm still working on it

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 11:14:25 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Part pf controlling it is to defuse it by making everything else work better. We think it's all in our minds but any kinds of physical stresses will make it worse. AA has an acronym, HALT. Means; hungry, angry, lonely, tired. So try to run over in your head if you've eaten recently, had some water, if you're overtired, if you need to be held.

What I will tell you is that nobody ever throws a tantrum while being hugged. Especially if we're naked and our skin touch needs are being fed. The Man's one of those stay up all night and talk it out. I have to tell you that sleep deprivation doesn't help me calm down. I request for us to go to bed and hold each other and put off the conversation until morning. And on occasion he's just dragged me into his arms and held me even when I didn't want him to. It works. Hugs and fury do not coexist real well.


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 12:43:02 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I have only learned to control mine as I have gotten older and realized what does and does not matter to me.  I would say til I hit about 40, I could go psycholunchlady for little or no reason.

Good luck Aqua. You seem to be way more mature that I was and I think if you just think about your relationship being more important than your hurt, that might help.  I was in a relationship that bred hurt and anger. Still aint sure if maturity or getting out of it is what gave me such patience and calm to be honest-lol.

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 12:50:46 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

So... for those who have had trouble with their tempers, with their emotions in the past... how have you learned to control it? I have tried mantras and beating up on my punching bag but that doesn't seem to help when I'm seeing red. Honestly this is something that I really want to get some tips on since my emotions run deep - both good and bad - and if I could curb them, it would be lovely.


Greetings Aqua,

I believe the biggest contributor to my change in behavior is understanding the ramifications of losing control and the feelings that follow. I did a lot of soul searching and discovered it was usually related to a thought, feeling, or some aspect of my ego that was being challenged or maligned (in my opinion). Nonetheless the choice in response was always mine and on some occasions I made the wrong one. I'm saddened to admit that I usually felt justified at the time until my common sense returned and I settled my heels.

However, I finally accepted that being right is no longer important. I failed to take into account the other person and the relationship which is far greater than the issue. It is because I place a great premise of honoring and protecting that sacred union, I'm no longer willing to do things that might undermine it. Of course there will be instances when I'm upset or disheartened, but mindfulness and more constructive methods of conveying my feelings have taken precedence. I don't believe there's a surefire method. Much of it depends on the techniques that resonate with you. In my case I fast twice per week, meditate, and take an hour long walk each evening to keep myself in balance. This appears to be a successful formula thus far.

But in truth the real solution has been removing the focus from myself and the other person and understanding we're serving a whole (the relationship) that cannot function without each person doing their respective part individually and collectively to keep things flowing. By altering the way I view the partnership and M/s as a whole, it's difficult for me to assault a union I see as sacred. The change in conception ushered in temperance, humility, and a deepened subjection that has rendered many irritations of no consequence. In the end I ask myself how my thoughts or actions are serving the relationship. If I can't answer that question in a positive vain it's a good sign that I need to reconsider the idea or action I'm about to undertake.

Best of luck.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 1:19:56 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I rarely lose my temper but I've been told that when I do it's not pretty. My usual tactic is to be self-aware in the way that I keep tabs on what is bugging me. If something keeps coming up on my radar in a negative way then I start trying to see what I need to do about it. It might be as simple as talking to someone about something, or it might be something I need to switch up in my routine, or something that I just need to accept as part of life. I feel better with a proactive approach to my life in general, I think that is what keeps me from getting upset in the first place is feeling that I am in control of things and being able to problem solve on a continual basis to keep things on an even keel.

Having a best friend also helps immensely. We don't get to talk often but when we do we go over what's happening in our lives and do the proactive problem solving that I mentioned before. It's nice having a sounding board.

In my relationship we are both pretty fair, drama-free people. I take the proactive maintenance approach to things as I mentioned before. I'll talk to him if I notice that something is bugging me. It used to annoy him in the way that he's a guy and he found it unnecessary to talk about feelings but he sees now that we actually do better together as a result of working things out before they get to be a problem. An example, I was jealous of someone in his life, I told him about it after I realized that it wasn't going away. We talked, he listened and gave me support on it. I'm still jealous from time to time but it's not the drag on me that it was before and we never really had any problems from it.

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 1:29:22 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I seem to be different from most and may not be what you want to hear, i don't see a problem with people having tempers or expressing them in relationships.  As we are talking about i believe a D/s relationship, i see it very differently than most and i put it on the Man's shoulders.

The temper is a lot of who people are and many times is a extreme of concept of passion.  My former Master really didn't make a big deal of my temper, he never made me feel guilty or that my temper was necessarily wrong.  My temper usually is as the OP has indicated a combination of things and being my Master he usually figured that out long before i did and he dealt with the underlying issue rather than the temper.  I hate to say this but just because some people don't like arguments many times some of the BEST relationships are usually two high tempered people because they tend to have it out and get it out rather than holding it all in and not dealing with the issues then they get on with their relationship.   While they can at times be intense, there is nothing wrong with relationships that tempers flare.  It all depends on the type of people who are in the relationship.  Not all relationships are similar as to how emotions are expressed.

He loved my temper because he saw it as part of my passion and part of my emotions which he loved to exploit under his mastery, he used it against me, he drew it out many times, he also knew how to manipulate it because its such a part of me.  Just as he controlled my passion and other emotions, he also controled my anger or temper.  He never felt he should control all the good ones and leave what many consider a "bad" emotion for me to deal with.   He never really wanted me to learn to control it -- HE wanted to control it lol.  The thing is he was awesome at knowing how to deal with it -- sometimes he would laugh at me, some days he would ignore it, sometimes he would spank my ass until i stopped fighting him, sometimes he would allow me to fight him physically (he was much bigger than me lol and we both were very physical in nature), and sometimes he would simply look at me, point to the floor and simply say silence and leave me sitting in front of him as he watched me, sometimes grabbing my hair in his fist and lifting it up for a hard kiss or sometimes he would growl in my face or sometimes he would whisper in my earl and some times he would simply grab me and use me hard while i fought him or cussed at him etc.  grins i really do think he loved my temper lol. 

Many people i find are afraid of their tempers or believe they are wrong.  I am sure many people here will say how negative tempers are.  Many times i also think subs try and control their tempers because they don't think their doms can handle such a seemingly out of control concept.  But i don't think tempers are a negative thing and many times shouldn't be contained as if they are "bad."  Your Master should give you outlets and help you through them if he knows you -- in my opinion.  This shouldn't be left TO YOU alone. 

I would have a hard time being with a "Master" who demands control over me but wants me to hide a very real part of me -- my temper.  To me, when my temper was out of control -- THAT is when i needed him the most to exert his control as my Master over me.  I needed him the most at those times because many times i couldn't seem to gain control over it.  Those are also the days i needed to release all of who i was to him and let him deal with a concept that really does leave me out of control.  I was lucky -- he didn't want ME to do it especially not on my own, but he would do it for me.  I miss that lol. 

This may or may not be helpful, but maybe instead of trying to hide your temper, you learn that its not some guilt ridden concept and on many levels its your needing his mastery over you the most.  The problem i see with tempers is that they are indeed part of the whole person and people with tempers tend to be very emotional and expressionable people.  Tempers are simply expressing another emotion -- usually a combination of same.

i love a man who can deal with my temper as simply being part of the slave he owns and a part of her he also needs to control along with all the rest he chooses to control.  The thing is its probably the hardest thing to figure out so its probably very hard for Men to determine how to deal with.

Does your temper help your power dynamic?  I can't see how it would or wouldn't.  Its part of who you are.  Its a part he took on when he decided to own you.  So yes, this is also a huge part for HIM to work with and figure out how to deal with also.  If you can't turn to him and show your emotions to him during a temper, then why should you feel its okay to turn to him with your other emotions.  To me, its an all or nothing concept -- not just the good to him and allow him to bask in and then you deal with all the crap so he doesn't have too.

He's a big boy yes?  He has chosen to take the position as the DOM in your life, yes? Then as THE MASTER or even the DOM he should be able to work through your temper and realize what its all about and deal with it. 


angel

PS many times i think tempers are a built in safety mechanism for people who may be apt to hold in so many things that without their temper they would die because they would simply implode and it would drive them insane.

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 10/10/2010 1:52:41 PM >

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 1:48:11 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for responding. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one has trouble with their temper.

I will definately speak to him about if he could say something to help me feel like I'm being heard and maybe that will help. I definately share your experience about the too cute thing. People often don't take me seriously until I'm screaming. Which I think is part of why I scream in the first place!



_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 1:55:53 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I find that can help for me. Sometimes I can be so annoyed, and I am expressing it and he's just batting it down like it don't matter, or he starts yelling at me, or throwing stuff back in my face, and all it does is keep it going an going, and I don't feel I am being heard, I can't, not when he's like well you................



It REALLY takes the wind out of my sails, so to speak  if i am upset at something they did, or didn't do,  to have someone simply say. I have nothing to say to that. You're right. I should of.......... and I am sorry.
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
seriously, the biggest thing anyone can do to help control a temper is just to say "I see and understand what you're feeling." It's not about being right, it's about keeping the relationship healthy, and sometimes those of us who have some anger issues need a little bit of help.


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 1:59:53 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

He's a big boy yes?  He has chosen to take the position as the DOM in your life, yes? Then as THE MASTER or even the DOM he should be able to work through your temper and realize what its all about and deal with it. 


An interesting point of view. I, however, am interested in being able to get the reigns on my temper because I said something completely out of line for our power dynamic and because I'd like to know I won't say something so hurtful to other people.

I have no interest in hiding my temper and never used that term in my OP. I am interested in finding ways to avoid lashing out at those I love. As he can not wave a wand and change my personality, this is something I must work on.



_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 2:17:20 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Was it completely out of line or are you just deciding it was?  Was his ego hurt by what you said, did he feel less your dom because of something you said?   Perhaps you aren't giving him enough credit for understanding YOUR personality and temper.  It sounds to me like all you are trying to do isn't working either so maybe instead of trying to hide your temper or keep what your temper is requiring of you hidden, you instead GIVE that part of yourself to HIM as your Dom as your Master. 

I notice a lot of subs seem to think that their doms don't deserve what they the sub thinks is their bad qualities -- but they do -- why, because its a PART of you.  Sure you said something that you think hurt his feelings because in all actuality with your temper that is what you were trying to do.  So now you feel guilty.  Well hell, if that is the worst thing you guys have to deal with in your relationship count yourself lucky.  You two are close because of your relationship, this is not going to be the only time your temper lashes out.  Many times your temper lashes out to the one you are closest too because subconsciously you know they will take it and still love you despite of it. 

All in all, perhaps since nothing you seem to be doing is helping you don't so easily dismiss my words and instead utilize HIM as the Dom he is to you and allow him to take control in HIS way of something you obviously can't control.  There is no more shame in doing that just because its your temper than it would be if you allowed him to take control of your "good" emotions. 

You lashed out, you apologized, why beat yourself up about it.  Its as much of your personality as the good things he enjoys.  Let him be the Dom with regard to this and allow yourself to release that part you obviously think is ugly TO him.

I know its hard as a sub to do so, but perhaps this is a hurdle in giving yourself to him that you need to overcome.  Or you can just go on trying to leave him out of it and punch punching bags or meditate or other suggestions.  But in the end, your temper WILL lash out at him again, you will be in this same space again.  Until such time you let HIM be the dom instead of you trying to protect him.

angel

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 2:49:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've yet to ever have any temper problems with Master. He's never given me any reason to have one. I've become upset and even annoyed at times but never angry and never had a temper with him.

Now in the past though I have had them with the ex and my daughter because they both pushed me over the edge. We all wee very different people who couldn't agree on a single thing and both liked to follow me around and purposefully make me angry and explode until I was running out of the house just to get away from them.

That's how I controlled my temper with them...I left. I walked out. I didn't come back until I could breathe again and didn't want to hurt either one of them any longer. I went for long walks, I went shopping, I went to hang out with friends, I did something that would take my mind off of them until I was ready to return.

These days I haven't had to worry about such things. I haven't had to have any kind of temper problems...well, except at work but there I just walk away from my boss and bite my tongue until it bleeds and I look at the clock and remind myself that this is only a temporary situation...it's not forever since I don't plan on staying in this job much longer..hopefully.


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 2:50:21 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Not much help..... but what stops me lashing out indiscriminately when I am at my most frustrated is simply the experience of having lived through the consequences of doing so.

It's very hard when you're an emotionally intense person but after a while of having to mop up the mess it became preferable to not create the mess in the first place.

I still find it difficult to talk calmly about certain things when I'm feeling REALLY passionate and frustrated about them.....which isn't always helped by having an owner who is Mr Cool himself.

I remember once calling him *some kind of cunt*(not in some sexy bedroom situation....lol)..... and he barely blinked before saying. ''That's *some kind of cunt*.... SIR*!''

Almost all of my *tantrums* are borne out of frustration, not anger. I rarely ever feel anger. The only way I could sort it out was to tackle things before I got too frustrated and not to bottle them up to *avoid* having a difficult conversation. Basically tackle things sooner, before it gets to pop time. Easier said than done many times and I'm still a fiery little red-faced-tinkerbell-in-a-jar.

agirl












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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 2:55:43 PM   
frazzle


Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline 		This may or may not help, but was a piece of advice my father gave me years ago.

When i know im about to explode, remove myself from the situation and then go write down exactly what i would have screamed. Come back an hour later and rewrite it, the immediate anger tends to have gone, but what drove you mad in the first place remains. thats the bit that needs to be talked out.

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 2:56:36 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		I really don't go for curving emotions as much as I'm for being in control of them, basically, you have to aware that you as a human being make choices and tuned into how your emotions are playing in a role in your choices. Choices of how you respond or act, things you say and such. Are you still able to address or keep focus upon the specific things that upset you or do you let things digress to the point that other (unrelated) issues come into the picture. Things like that make a big difference. It's okay to be angry in my book, it's how you deal with it and the choices one makes out of it which I have a thing about. Then again, this is just how I view and look at matters on this topic.

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 3:18:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It helps to address the issues directly. Instead of screaming "You fucking idiot, I'm so mad I could spit" you say something like "I am very angry at you for saying X. It makes me feel as though you're negating me. Is this your intention?"

Just because I'm not high drama doesn't mean automatically I hide it and let it fester. I talk it out as opposed to scream it out.


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 3:20:33 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		I am not beating myself up about it. That would be pointless.

Finding ways to prevent such incidents from happening in the future is helpful.

Edited to add: Notice again - I am not trying to hide my temper. I am trying to learn how to redirect and control it so that I do not have another an incident where I lash out at people who do not deserve it. Of course it isn't working - I hurt people I love when angry sometimes, not just Valyraen. That isn't ok with me. That is exactly why I made this thread about how to control my temper!

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/10/2010 3:26:03 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 3:32:02 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

That's how I controlled my temper with them...I left. I walked out. I didn't come back until I could breathe again and didn't want to hurt either one of them any longer. I went for long walks, I went shopping, I went to hang out with friends, I did something that would take my mind off of them until I was ready to return.


I've done this a few times. I find that it helps sometimes but it depends on the nature of the issue.

Perhaps I need to give myself longer or become more skilled at removing myself from such situations. My temper and my flare-ups are nothing new and something that have always troubled me. What I did and what I said, while the incident itself, is resolved, is something I want to make sure never happens again. Either with Valyraen, my parents, my in-laws, anyone. *chuckles* Perhaps I posted this in the wrong section since it's really less a power dynamic issue for me and just a general life issue. My apologies for the moderators for that.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 3:47:27 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		For me, what helped a lot what figuring out the emotion behind the anger.

Anger is rarely a primary emotion.

If you can go back over the events that led up to your losing your temper, you may be able to catch what emotion fed your anger.

For me, when I was younger it used to be that deep disappointment made me crazy-angry. Many years ago it was seeing someone on a sitcom behaving the way I did, which finally enabled me to see it.

Lately, another trigger reared it's head and I figured it wasn't something he was doing, but a perception that I had that wasn't accurate at all.


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RE: Controlling your temper - 10/10/2010 4:06:29 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I can control my temper with everyone but one person, my ex. And that is because he has an anger issue , that triggers me and I get so mad I have said things to him I would never say to anyone else. But that was our dynamic for many years and even now, when I speak with him, I have to be careful not to fall into the trap.

He says things and then tries to take them back. I have said that you should be careful what you say as once words are spoken they can never be unspoken. He always knew when he went too far, but it did not matter. He always said, I cannot help it, I lash out when I feel frustrated. No excuse.

While I have forgiven things that people have said, I have NEVER forgotten them and the hurt I felt at the time.

One should really think first before one speaks, even in anger.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 10/10/2010 4:07:37 PM >

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