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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:26:26 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
for me it would be a dealbeaker. I can't submit to someone who has thoughts of wanting to submit as well. It's not the type of men I'm attracted to at all. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I had to think about this answer. I have "thoughts of wanting to submit" from time to time. But as I considered it more, I realized that Carol and I don't really change the underlying dynamic of our relationship. It's just not really possible even if we wanted to. In my case, the scenario is going to be something like, "I'm emotionally wrung out to the point of exhaustion." From there, it's quite possible that I'll delegate authority to Carol for some period of time... usually "the evening". She then figures out what needs to happen to fix me and makes it happen.

At no point in any of this was either of us confused about who was running the marriage. Given our two personalities neither of us can really even conceive of that sort of confusion. It'd be like getting confused about which way was down.

So in a very real sense I am "submitting" to her. She's giving directions... possibly even topping in the bedroom or at least orchestrating getting us into the bedroom if she thinks that'd be helpful. I'm doing as I'm told. But it's also true that for us, this kind of thing happens as an aberration to fix a momentary problem. It is, in a sense, role play since the roles we are assuming are not the actual roles in the marriage or native to us.

This sort of thing is what I meant by "complex". On one hand, our M/s relationship is strikingly simple. Carol is submissive in the world, with me, and that feeds her. I am dominant in the world, with her, and that feeds me. Everything lines up for us nice and neatly. But then real life happens and ... you know... reality never quite works out as simply as the theory said.



I see it completely different. He comes home from work and is extremely stressed. He can tell me to take over and make his evening relaxing and pleasant, but the way he's wired, that doesn't work in his brain, or in mine. To relieve his stress he's either gonna tie me up and beat my ass or tell me to dress in a certain way when he walks into the door and then proceed upstairs where I've been instructed to have the massage table out. He'll then get a nice, hour long massage and then he'll tie me up and beat my ass. For some, on both sides, it's not an option to have the dominant one receive the beatings or have the sub make the decisions. Even during stressed out moments.

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:30:53 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		He is very lucky to have you then. I wish there where more of you out there but it seems not the case my dear.

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:32:54 AM   
valoure


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2010
Status: offline 		[foD
nt="Verdana"]

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:40:57 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tewy01

He is very lucky to have you then. I wish there where more of you out there but it seems not the case my dear.


No. I'm lucky to have him. If he walked in the door and told me that he wanted me to dominate him because he was tired and it would relieve his stress then our relationship would end. It's not his nature. It's not mine. I'm lucky that he found me.
He has said many times that the way we express ourselves to each other, that power exchange (which is a one way street in our case) makes him happy and is a huge stress relief. I know it makes me happy. I left a marriage in order to have this power exchange with him. I don't want to make the decisions or to dominate any part of the relationship. I don't want equal say.

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:46:06 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		The first steady play partner I had was someone who had began as a male sub when he was in college and then was once asked by his Domme to co-top. He said when he did he realised he had been playing for the wrong team.

He never exhibited any submissive tendencies and only liked being on the topside.
His epiphany changed his orientation.

In your case however, it sounds like you miss aspects of being a bottom.

Is it the mindset or sensation play you miss.

There are people who are dominant partners with masochistic needs.

Seeking a particular sensation is just that, it is looking to have that want or need fulfilled and dominance is not determined by that, any more than a man who likes having his ass played with would make him gay.

If on the other hand you are looking to fulfill a submissive headspace then you may be either a switch or a submissive who is also a sadist.

Granted, finding someone who doesn't have issues with that may be a challenge, but I do think it much better to be honest with yourself and others about who you are and what your needs and wants are, than trying to define yourself by the labels of what you perceive to be acceptable in someone else's eyes.

Be true to yourself and eventually you will find someone who will value that.

edit: grammar and clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 10/16/2010 10:48:16 AM >

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:46:16 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		I just got out of a vanilla situation where the female said she was submissive and it destroyed the relationship.I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:50:34 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		Very well said angel. All of your feedback is helping my decision.

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:52:53 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tewy01

Very well said angel. All of your feedback is helping my decision.


It's not a decision you need to rush.

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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30 fluffy points!

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:57:19 AM   
lockedaway


Posts: 1720
Joined: 3/15/2007
Status: offline 		i would serve a Domme who had submissive tendencies, especially if i was in love with Her.  Wanting to be everything to Her that i can be and make Her the happiest (and most fulfilled) She can be, i would want to be the occasional Dom that scratched that itch for Her.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:57:40 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, I know my dear.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 10:58:28 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Part of my submissive nature is a need to be what my partner needs - in some cases, submitting to their desires/needs means taking control. Then again, I don't know that it is a submissive tendency exactly, or a dysfunctional personality trait to be a people pleaser like that. I wouldn't say it was normal or typical of the general mindset of others. I'm not even saying it is healthy. I've a history of being an enabler.

There was a time, not so long ago, that I stated I'd never be interested in a switch. That was before I met Chef. What worked for us, is he was a dominant male that enjoyed bottoming. I am a submissive who enjoys topping. That we both delineated between topping and dominance and submitting and bottoming is what worked for us.

Now I'm not so quick to dismiss switches (arrogant I know consider I identify as one). as I was in the past.

People want what they want. It is easier if you aren't trying to swim against the same current you are fishing in.!

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:01:39 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		So, the both of you are switchs and there is no conflict?

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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:07:09 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tewy01

So, the both of you are switchs and there is no conflict?


No conflict, no arguments. We weren't compatible long-term, but the area we were incompatible in had nothing to do with BDSM or D/s. We are still good friends, and keep in contact even though he's moved to a different state. If he's ever back in town, you can bet he has a place to stay.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:12:08 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		If it was so good in bed,why where you not compatiable long term if I may ask?

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:15:42 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tewy01

If it was so good in bed,why where you not compatiable long term if I may ask?


He kept stealing my remote control.


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:18:24 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		lol...clicker fights,nice.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:19:16 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry, couldn't resist! We COULD have been compatible long-term. I guess. Except that he is a hard-core swinger, and I am a chronic home-body who is extremely shy around strangers. I tried to do the swinger party thing for him, but just couldn't get on board with it.


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RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:25:16 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		I am the same way as you.I used to go to fetish parties back in the day when I served but people change in time I guess.

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:30:59 AM   
switch2please


Posts: 494
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		OP, I posted on your similar thread on the switch forum.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Would You Serve a Dom With Submissive Tendancies? - 10/16/2010 11:36:01 AM   
tewy01


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/9/2009
Status: offline 		Yes switch,I ask basically the same to another group.I will go there now and see ur post

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Profile   Post #: 40
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