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RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 1:43:24 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Does he know you don't like it?
If he does why did he become your master?
Is he really looking for another sub or is he playing a sadistic trick on you?

Do you have any say in who is gonna be accepted as nr2?
Can you scare other girls off?
Are you allowed to have a nr2 too?
Can you play a trick on him and start looking for another guy as a slave for you?

If he finds someone else and you can't hack it and leave him... is he then still poly or just monogamous with someone else?

Would he like more sex than you can give him?
... if you alone are not enough for him could you blow up a doll on occasion
or go swinging or to a sex club every so often?

Would you allow him to have a bit on the side that he does not bother you with?

Personally i like the idea of casual sex with others, and i can understand cheating in certain circumstances... but open poly would confuse me, it is not so much that i have jealousy issues, it is more that i would lose interest in one that would spread themselves thin and expect me to accept that... my drive is too high.

(in reply to Pleasememore)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 1:44:56 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Doesn't it work out if you can have an unlimited amount of boyfriends, though, amanda?

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 1:52:44 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

 He told you that he was poly when you started the dynamic with him. 


See that bit there is something i do not understand at all
it seems to me that when she started the dynamic with him they were both looking... both single... indeed a person might like the idea of a poly household, and indeed many wank off on it i presume, but to state you are poly when in fact you are single just sounds like a wish to me... and indeed one can only be in a poly situation if all other people go along with this too... otherwise people will leave and instead of poly you might not even be a couple anymore and back to being single and wanking over the poly fantasy...

So if indeed his wish to be poly is so strong that he states that he is poly even when he is single... and he takes up a relationship with a girl who is monogamous... to have something rather than nothing i presume... does that not make him a wanker?

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 1:55:20 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Doesn't it work out if you can have an unlimited amount of boyfriends, though, amanda?


i wish... i wish... i go dancing instead

< Message edited by ranja -- 10/19/2010 1:56:52 AM >

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 2:08:21 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		Because Poly like being monogamous to many is hard wiring just like sexual orientation, regardless of wither or not I'm in a relationship Im still Straight, I dont have to be in a relationship to know Im attracted to males.

Just like someone whos gay doesnt have to be in a relationship to know they are attracted to someone of the same sex.
Im monogamous regardless of wither or not im in a relationship, just like many are poly regardless of wither or not they are in a relationship.

And hes not a wanker, he was upfront from the start of the relationship that he was poly, if she was monogamous/unsure she should have hashed this out a year ago PRIOR to forming a deep relationship, now that he believes the relationship is settled enough to add another girl, shes crying foul.


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RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 10:46:05 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

 He told you that he was poly when you started the dynamic with him. 


See that bit there is something i do not understand at all
it seems to me that when she started the dynamic with him they were both looking... both single... indeed a person might like the idea of a poly household, and indeed many wank off on it i presume, but to state you are poly when in fact you are single just sounds like a wish to me... and indeed one can only be in a poly situation if all other people go along with this too... otherwise people will leave and instead of poly you might not even be a couple anymore and back to being single and wanking over the poly fantasy...

So if indeed his wish to be poly is so strong that he states that he is poly even when he is single... and he takes up a relationship with a girl who is monogamous... to have something rather than nothing i presume... does that not make him a wanker?


Or it is a step in the direction of where he wants to be.  Trying to establish a relationship with two people at the same time is extremely difficult, it's a lot easier to establish a strong relationship with one person and then have that person help to establish a relationship with the next one.

The fact that he was honest about his eventual ambition speaks in his credit, in my opinion.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 11:39:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You need to do what's best for you. Apparently this isn't. So wish him luck and next time don't agree to be with someone who does say he eventually wants a poly relationship. 

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 2:29:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
See that bit there is something i do not understand at all
it seems to me that when she started the dynamic with him they were both looking... both single... indeed a person might like the idea of a poly household, and indeed many wank off on it i presume, but to state you are poly when in fact you are single just sounds like a wish to me... and indeed one can only be in a poly situation if all other people go along with this too... otherwise people will leave and instead of poly you might not even be a couple anymore and back to being single and wanking over the poly fantasy...

So if indeed his wish to be poly is so strong that he states that he is poly even when he is single... and he takes up a relationship with a girl who is monogamous... to have something rather than nothing i presume... does that not make him a wanker?

Poly doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone is wanking to the idea.  A lot of people make the distinction between polyamory, which many see as multiple emotional relationships and polyfuckery which is basically just a sexual relationship with multiple partners. 

I didn't see anywhere in the original that this is only a dream of his.  It's quite possible that the person the OP is involved with has had prior experience in being in a poly situation before and he prefers having multiple loves rather than monogamy.  Very much the same as if My situation would change or My marriage would end.  It wouldn't change Me being more suited to poly.  It would just mean that I didn't have current partners.  The situation wouldn't stop My preference for being poly.

If I were single, very much like the situation described in this topic, I'd still be telling people that I am poly and will most likely have additional relationships.  That's something that anyone that I meet interested in having a relationship with Me has to make their own determinations on whether they are compatible with the idea or not.


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 3:03:02 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
See that bit there is something i do not understand at all
it seems to me that when she started the dynamic with him they were both looking... both single... indeed a person might like the idea of a poly household, and indeed many wank off on it i presume, but to state you are poly when in fact you are single just sounds like a wish to me... and indeed one can only be in a poly situation if all other people go along with this too... otherwise people will leave and instead of poly you might not even be a couple anymore and back to being single and wanking over the poly fantasy...

So if indeed his wish to be poly is so strong that he states that he is poly even when he is single... and he takes up a relationship with a girl who is monogamous... to have something rather than nothing i presume... does that not make him a wanker?

Poly doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone is wanking to the idea.  A lot of people make the distinction between polyamory, which many see as multiple emotional relationships and polyfuckery which is basically just a sexual relationship with multiple partners. 

I didn't see anywhere in the original that this is only a dream of his.  It's quite possible that the person the OP is involved with has had prior experience in being in a poly situation before and he prefers having multiple loves rather than monogamy.  Very much the same as if My situation would change or My marriage would end.  It wouldn't change Me being more suited to poly.  It would just mean that I didn't have current partners.  The situation wouldn't stop My preference for being poly.

If I were single, very much like the situation described in this topic, I'd still be telling people that I am poly and will most likely have additional relationships.  That's something that anyone that I meet interested in having a relationship with Me has to make their own determinations on whether they are compatible with the idea or not.



Friend speaks my mind.

Also, as previously stated, the OP may have thought she would ok with it - or at least told him that she would be. So it's entirely possible he went into the relationship with no reason to believe that they wouldn't add more partners as time when by. The fact that he waited a year before looking for another partner indicates some level of experience or knowledge to me. He worked on the first relationship before seriously considering adding another. Considering that he told her he was poly instead of springing it on, I'd consider it more likely that she give him some assurance that things would be fine. The OP simply either didn't believe it would actually happen or didn't know that she wouldn't be ok with it.

Being poly or monogamous is a bit like being homosexual or straight. Your sexual and romantic orientations don't disappear just because you are single and stable poly families don't happen over night. One at a time.


< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/19/2010 3:07:20 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 3:07:19 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPxs_LXHYac

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RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 3:11:26 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It doesn't sound like he waited near enough time to add someone else to the mix. A year is certainly better than a month or two, but really, most relationships are still on honeymoon manners after just a year. It also may matter how or why he now broached the subject. You're not good enough in bed is certainly not the best way. You don't want to base it on someone's flaws, and say you're looking for someone better than them. You do want it to be based on making it better for everyone, a win/win situation, not one winning at another's expense.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 3:20:37 PM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		It is never wrong to feel anything. What may be wrong is actions that are caused by emotions. Talk to your Master about these feelings in an open way.

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When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 4:38:15 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It doesn't sound like he waited near enough time to add someone else to the mix. A year is certainly better than a month or two, but really, most relationships are still on honeymoon manners after just a year. It also may matter how or why he now broached the subject. You're not good enough in bed is certainly not the best way. You don't want to base it on someone's flaws, and say you're looking for someone better than them. You do want it to be based on making it better for everyone, a win/win situation, not one winning at another's expense.


If someone isn't poly, they will never be ready to add another partner, be it after one year or 50. It's not like the guy has a woman waiting in the wings. He's looking and probably will be for several more years.

Please show where in the OP she says that her owner broached the topic with her in such a callous manner - which, by the way, I would not regard as poly. Poly, IMHO, isn't about getting someone new because the one you have is lacking. The OP clearly states that she was made aware - from the begining - that he considers himself to be poly. So it's not like this was sprung on her or anything new.

He already broached the subject and, for whatever reason, she made the choice to be with him. So he must not have done too bad a job.

He was honest from the start, they've - according to her - got a great relationship, she'd not complaining that he is neglecting her to look, and he is looking. Seriously, why the hell would we even bring in the idea that he may have made such tasteless, callous, cruel and distinctly unpoly remarks? Unless you think he went into this going "Hey sweetie, I'm poly, BTW you suck in bed so in a year I'm going to start looking for someone else, k thnx?".

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/19/2010 4:43:10 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 8:02:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Aqua, the op didn't say one way or the other. I was just wondering how and why he brought it up right this moment. It seems odd that he suddenly announces he's searching for someone else when he wasn't last week. Being a devout cynic, I'm assuming he's been chatting to someone without her knowledge.

Maybe he has been picture perfect about this. But we see posts all the time about men who are far from that. And as I said, I'm a cynic.


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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 8:36:26 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Actually she did.... He didn't announce it out of the blue. Her exact words were "He's always been open about wanting a poly". The only thing that has changed is that now he is actively looking.

Just like a monogamous person can decide they don't want to date for a bit and cease looking for a partner/dates, a poly person can decide not to date others for awhile and then start back up. He didn't look to take on more partners while they were building their relationship. During that time he was, as she put it, always open about the fact that he was poly.

Now he'd like to date. I understand being a cynic but, quite franky, I think you are reading way more into this just to come down on the guy. It's not like we also don't see plenty of posts from people who think their partner will magically change if they just love them enough or who just don't realize what they are getting into.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/19/2010 8:59:17 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 10:38:32 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pleasememore

My master is looking for another Sub. I know he loves me but it's killing me. I hate it. I know he needs to do it, but I just wish it were over with. Am I wrong as a Submissive to feel this way. Please tell me.


I am afraid your dominant has confused the definition of need and want. No, it is not wrong of you to feel unnerved. It appears that you dominant is also lacking when it comes to reading his submissive as if he were capable, he would know how upset this is making you. You need to speak to him and tell him how you feel.


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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to Pleasememore)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 10:47:26 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		If he is poly, as he has told her from the begining that he is, it's not as simple as need and want. The OP is gone (or at least seems to be) and we can't get further details about how actively he is looking or how respectful he is being of her feelings while still maintaining what he told her at the start - that he is not monogamous.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Jealousy - 10/19/2010 11:17:36 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		This is why I will never get involved with someone who tells me that he is poly, except for casual play. There is nothing wrong with being poly, but I would likely find myself in the OP's position when my partner wanted to add another to our relationship. I am self aware enough to know that I don't share well, and it seems self defeating to build a relationship with someone when there is such a basic incompatibility. From the info that we have, the OP knew that her partner was poly from the get go. Getting involved with someone on the basis that you think you can change them or what they want is never a good idea, as the OP is now finding out. She and her partner have a lot of talking to do, IMO. 



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"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Jealousy - 10/20/2010 12:07:56 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It doesn't sound like he waited near enough time to add someone else to the mix. A year is certainly better than a month or two, but really, most relationships are still on honeymoon manners after just a year. It also may matter how or why he now broached the subject. You're not good enough in bed is certainly not the best way. You don't want to base it on someone's flaws, and say you're looking for someone better than them. You do want it to be based on making it better for everyone, a win/win situation, not one winning at another's expense.


How long it takes relationships to go through stages depends on the people involved.  My relationships are usually over before a year.  Not always, my wife and I have been married for 10, but other than that I don't think I have had one that has lasted more than a year.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Jealousy - 10/20/2010 4:35:41 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Many times people enter into relationships thinking something they don't really want to happen that someone has mentioned they want won't happen.  They willingly put blinders on.  In poly situations you see all the time women who say if i can just be THIS good he won't want someone else.  They enter into these relationships not understanding poly and they take the time he doesn't choose to find someone personally as if he is saying you are all i will ever need.  So when he decides he is ready to add someone to the family, she freaks out and takes it personally that obviously she isn't enough or is doing something wrong.

You know he may have been instigating this prior to her freaking out and she just didn't want to hear him so now he has simply made the decision.  Many times women in poly situations who don't want poly don't listen until the final "i am going to find an additional slave, sub, woman to join us."  And they freak out.

From the OP, it sounds like this is probably what happened because she didn't listen to the I am poly comments before she got into a relationship with him, so something tells me it could be she just turned a deaf ear to his bringing it up until such time he actually said okay its happening now.

angel

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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 40
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